Humble Boy (7 page)

Oh, Felix. Take me to the long grass. Please.

Felix
   The long grass?

Rosie
   The long grass.

He lifts her up suddenly and carries her to the hammock. It is all a bit clumsy and improvised.

Rosie
   My big brave astronaut.

Felix
   I think I'm out of my depth.

Rosie
   I'll super-adrenalate you.

Felix
   I don't want to take any more clothes off.

Rosie
   I'd forgotten what you tasted like.

Felix
   I don't even know if it's fully operational down there any more.

Rosie
   You taste like fruit.

Felix
   You might not be able to find it. You might need the Hubble Telescope.

Rosie
   Apricots. Yes. Ripe apricots.

Rosie laughs throatily. Felix stops suddenly.

Felix
   What's that? What's that?

Rosie
   What?

The sound of laughter off. Flora and George are arriving back in high spirits.

George
   (
off; singing
)

A–B–C–D–E–F–G–H

I got a gal in Kalamazoo

Don't wanna boast

But I know she's the toast of Kalamazoo

Years have gone by, my my how she flew

I liked her looks when I carried her books

In Kalamazoozoozoo.

Flora
   (
off, laughing
) George.

Felix
   Oh God!

Rosie
   Don't panic.

They lie quietly in the hammock or run to a place where they cannot be immediately observed. It is quite dark by now. A moment then George lurches into the garden. He is fairly drunk. He does not see them.

George
   Bun, bun! Bunny girl. (
He almost stumbles into the hive. He knocks on it.
) Anyone in there? Or have you all buzzed off? (
He is very amused by his joke.
) We got the better of you, you little bastards. Buzz. Buzz. (
He starts to buzz disdainfully, then laughs so asthmatically he has to lie down on the grass.
) Just need a little rest. (
He looks at the sky.
) Bugger me. Look at the size of it. The moon is out for us tonight, bunny girl. Bunny! Come and look at this.

He starts to sing or whistle the tune to Glen Miller's ‘Moonlight Serenade' loudly, while kicking his legs in the air occasionally. Flora enters from upstage. She does not come right into the garden. She is a little tipsy. George lies on the grass and sticks his arms in the air.

George
   Do you wanna dance?

Flora
   George! Be quiet, you'll wake up my thirty-five-year-old. (
She laughs.
)

George
   Bunny, the sky is falling on me. I require your urgent assistance.

She giggles, then hushes herself.

Flora
   No, no, shushy. I'm making some coffee.

George
   No coffee. I'm allergic. I need your urgent-lying-down-here assistance.

Flora giggles.

Flora
   I'm not lying down anywhere.

George
   Why in God's name not?

Flora
   I'll get wet. I never get wet.

George
   Oh no, bun. Look it's bone dry, dry as toast here.

Flora
   Keep the noise down, Georgy.

George
   Shushy! Georgy is very shushy now.

Flora
   Come and get your coffee.

She exits. During the next he staggers to his feet.

George
   Don't go, bun … Look at that wonderful arse!

She waggles it for him and then exits.

Bunny! It's very, very dry. It's a ruddy heatwave. We're in a drought, bunny. I'm dying of thirst. (
He is on his feet, but still a bit wobbly.
) It's a bloody desert out here. Needs irrigating. (
He undoes his trousers and urinates in a zigzag fashion across the lawn.
) This is a very dry bit. You want to talk to the sod who looks after your garden for you, bun. 'S very, very patchy. It's a good job I'm so full of piss. (
He laughs and then he comes across the pot of ashes.
) Who left a bloody pot in the middle of here? Bloody pisspot. (
He urinates a bit on it and then laughs and steps daintily around it. To the pot:
) Excuse me. Much obliged. (
He does his trousers up.
) Bun! I've done this garden a big favour, I can tell you. It's positively lush now.

He exits unsteadily. After a pause, Rosie sits up. She does her top up, straightens herself out.

Rosie
   I hope he's not going to drive.

Felix
   We've got to stop this.

Rosie
   Well, he says he drives better when he's rat-arsed. He says it doesn't matter if you live in the country.

Felix
   No. My mother. And him.

Rosie
   What?

Felix
   She's making a fool of herself. She doesn't know what she's doing. She's b–bereaved.

Rosie
   Are you serious?

Felix
   I know he's your father, but he's taking advantage of her.

Rosie
   You really don't know?

Felix
   What?

Rosie
   This has been going on for years. Everyone knows about it.

Felix
   What?

Rosie
   They've been having an affair for years. Five or six at least. Look, I thought you knew. I'm sorry.

Felix
   But this is terrible.

Rosie
   Felix, if you're like me, you'll keep out of it. They're old enough to know their own minds.

Felix
   This is – this is –

Rosie
   This is not about you. Or me. I'm sorry, I've really got to go.

Felix
   No, please, Rosie, stay and talk to me. I have to talk to you ab–bout this.

Rosie
   My mum died a long time ago. My dad injected her with a sixth of a grain of morphine every four hours. She begged him to kill her, but he wouldn't. I don't like your mother, but I want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy.

Felix
   No, don't leave me, Rosie.

Rosie
   I have to. I've got to get back for the babysitter.

Felix
   What? Oh yes. I'm sorry. Your baby! You haven't said anything about your baby.

Rosie
   I don't remember the conversation ever being steered in the direction of my life.

Felix
   I'm sorry – I wasn't thinking. Tell me about your … baby.

Rosie
   (
curt
) Well, she's not a baby any more, thank you for asking.

Felix
   Oh. Right. I'm sorry – I'd forgotten – not forgotten – it had slipped my – I can't imagine you – with a child –

Rosie
   Thank you.

Felix
   No, I mean – I don't know what I mean. I'm sorry.

Rosie
   So you did know about her?

Felix
   Yes. Yes. My mother told me you'd had a child, not long after –

Rosie
   (
quickly, quietly
) No, not long after.

Felix
   But I was in the middle of, you know – and I should have written to congratulate you – but I didn't know if it was appropriate.

Rosie
   No.

Felix
   How old is she now?

Rosie
   (
slowly, looking at Felix
) She's nearly seven. Her name is Felicity. And yes, she's just like her father.

Felix
   What? What? Rosie? Are you saying…?

Rosie
   For someone who is supposed to have a brilliant mind, you really are slow on the uptake, aren't you?

Felix
   But my mother said – she said you'd – she said you were with –

He trails off. Rosie smiles wryly.

Rosie
   And Felix always believes everything his mother tells him. (
She goes to go.
) I'll see you around.

Felix
   Wait, Rosie. I need to talk about this. You can't just –

Rosie
   Felix, do your trousers up, eh?

Rosie exits. Felix stands there. He does his trousers up slowly. The humming starts again but it is more dissonant now. The humming increases in volume.

Felix
   I can't be her – I'm not a – I don't even have a –

He lies himself face down on the lawn on his stomach by his father's ashes. He stretches himself out.

Suddenly a light is shone in his face. He looks up blinkingly. Jim, the gardener walks on. He is holding a torch and a packet of salt. He walks up to Felix lying in the middle of the lawn. The humming starts to recede or become more harmonious.

Jim
   Hello. (
He shows him the salt.
) I was just looking for slugs.

Felix
   (
indicating himself
) Bingo.

He holds out a hand and helps him up. Jim shines his torchlight once more round the garden. It is almost black except for the torchlight. He shines the torch on the hive. He lingers for a moment. Then the light snaps off. The humming stops.

End of Act One.

Act Two

Late summer.

As for the first act, except now the garden is set for a party. There is a large table which has been laid for five people. Flora has gone to quite a lot of effort. During this act the light fades very slowly.

Jim is there. He is tidying up round the garden. He sees the pot of ashes on the floor. He absently picks it up and places it on the table. He exits at the same time as Mercy enters. Perhaps he makes way for her.

Mercy comes out, carrying a very large bowl of soup, with a ladle. Her shoes are a little too high and she proceeds with extreme caution. She is dressed rather eccentrically for the party and in a state of excitement.

Mercy
   (
shouts back towards the house
) I can manage! (
She places the soup and ladle on the table. Shouts back:
) Oh it looks heavenly out here, Flora. (
She puts out her hand to check for rain. Shouts back:
) I think it'll hold out, you know. (
She adjusts several settings on the table. Shouts back:
) We're a chair short, Flora. (
She waits for a response. There is no response. She sighs, looks around and sees the gardening chair that Jim sat on earlier. She brings it over to the table. It is considerably shorter than the other chairs.
) That'll do for me.

Then she tastes the soup. She wrinkles her face, indicating that the soup needs something. She spots the ashes, which are now next to the salt cellar on the table. First of all she adds a little salt. Then she takes the lid off the honey-pot and sees what she thinks is pepper. She takes a sprinkle and adds it to the soup. She tastes again. She is still not sure. She adds a bigger handful. She tastes. She is more pleased.

George enters. He looks dapper. He carries flowers and a bottle of champagne. He comes up behind Mercy and pinches her bum. Mercy is absolutely delighted. She is obviously infatuated with George.

George
   There she is, the little corker!

Mercy
   George!

George
   Looks delicious.

Mercy
   Gazpacho. Although I held back on the pimentos. I'm worried it hasn't got enough zing.

George
   Gazpacho! Where did you learn to make that?

Mercy
   Oh, I just followed a –

George
   Don't tell me, Spanish Civil War?

Mercy
   What?

George
   Don't try and fool me. I can see through the innocent act, Mercy Lott. You were out there with Franco, giving it some.

Mercy giggles, hits him playfully. She revels in this attention.

Mercy
   (
laughing
) You know I've hardly even been outside the Cotswolds.

George
   Balls! We've got a little red under the bed, haven't we? She's only small but she's at the nub of things. Cuban Missile Crisis. Fall of the Berlin Wall. There she is in the background, waving. Cooee!

Mercy
   You do tickle me, really you do.

George
   Where's the main girl?

Mercy
   Inside making the salad. I did the starter and the pudding. To help Flora out, you know. I've done my fig tart.

George
   Well, bugger me.

Mercy giggles.

I hope you're not intent on giving us all the trots.

Mercy laughs.

Mercy
   No. Although I say it myself I think it's quite a good one. I added a little twist, marinated the figs in honey and thyme.

George
   I'd better go in to her.

Mercy
   Oh yes, listen to me wittering on.