I Kissed Dating Goodbye (24 page)

Bringing Romance Home

One of the most unfortunate aspects of contemporary dating is the way it has removed the process of romance from the warmth and reality of the home. So much of dating separates two people from the people who know and love them best instead of fusing their two families together. Later in marriage a couple will value the support and involvement of both sides of the family. Now is the time to strengthen those relationships.

Parents' support and guidance during this time, when available, is invaluable. One family wrote the following guidelines to help their daughter and her suitor. Although these guidelines were written for a specific couple with specific circumstances, I think you'll find them helpful in clarifying the purpose and focus of this stage.

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1. Winston is to build Melody's trust.

2. Begin building an intimate relationship. Talk abmany subjects. Discuss feelings, concerns, visions, hopes, dreams. Learn each others basic convictions.

3. Attempt to understand each other: the differencesbbt men and women, goals and roles, how each other thinks and responds to life.

4. Attempt to understand what things each values anddetests.

5. Begin investing in each other by praying for each othereaserving each other, gifting each other. Examples: Letters, phone calls, flowers.

6. Spend time together mostly in the family circle but alsoin short alone times--walks together, sitting in the swing together. Please avoid a "dating mentality." This is a learning and communicating time.

The period of testing and winning the heart need last only as long as it takes for both to feel confident about getting married. The moment comes when the time for observing, praying, thinking, and talking is over. Then it's time to "pop the question," as they say (stage 4). By this time, it should come as no

principled romance 219 surprise, yet it's still a moment to make special.

Obviously if, during the stage of testing, problems and concerns arise regarding the wisdom of the union, you should halt the relationship's progress or even consider calling it off. But if both of you are confident of your love for each other, and both sets of parents support your relationship, you have no reason to delay getting engaged and planning your wedding.

7. Reserve passion for marriage.

Finally, throughout your God-honoring relationship, set clear guidelines for physical affection. Here I can only reiterate what we discussed in chapter 6: Purity is a direction, not a line we suddenly cross by "going too far." The enemy of your soul would love to mar the beauty of your blossoming love by leading you down a path of lust and sexual compromise. Please don't give him a foothold.

I like Elisabeth Elliot's advice to couples: "Keep your hands off and your clothes on." Until you're married, please don't treat each other as if your bodies belong to each other. The kissing, touching, and caressing that take place in today's dating relationships often lead to confusion and compromise. Such behavior is often based on selfishness and awakens desires that you can righteously satisfy only in marriage. Protect each other and reserve your passion for marriage by refusing to start the process.

Personally, I've committed to waiting, even for a

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Focus on the Soul

Holding off the physical side of the relationship, though difficult, will enable you to focus on the soul of your spouse-to-be. A couple once told me their motto was, "Where physical progression begins, depth progression ends." In other words, as soon as they began to focus on the physical side of their relationship, the spiritual and emotional side ceased to deepen. Make a commitment to God, parents, Christian mentors, friends, and your partner to let your passion sleep, storing up your desire for the marriage bed. It will awaken with joy at the proper time.

Part of keeping this kind of commitment involves avoiding settings given to temptation. This doesn't mean you can never have privacy. But two people can have privacy and time alone without completely isolating themselves from parents and friends. When you do have activities that involve just the two of you, make sure you carefully plan your time, avoid a sensual focus and atmosphere, and let someone know where you'll be and when you'll be home.

Remember, by delaying sexual involvement, you're storing up passion and making sexual love within your marriage that much more meaningful. Don't allow impatience now to rob you of an undefiled, passionate sexual relationship in marriage.

Guided by the Holy Spirit

The new pattern we've discussed is only an outline. As with anything, a couple can manipulate it to fulfill only the minimum requirements. But I believe such manipulation will rob a couple of experiencing God's best. "But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives," the Bible tells us, "he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" (galatians 5:22-23, NLT).

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When the Holy Spirit guides our journey toward marriage, our relationships will exhibit the same

chapter sixteen writing a love story you'll feel proud to tell

Nothing is quite as romantic as hearing an honest, unabridged account of a married couples love story. And you are quite privileged when you can hear this story from your parents.

I grew up hearing how my parents met and married. Polaroids from family photo albums serve as visual aids helping me "see" Mom and Dad as they were when they caught each other's eye. In my mind, I step back through time, silently observing their moment of destiny...

Dayton, Ohio, is an unlikely setting for a stirring romance. Dad likes to point out that Dayton was the birthplace of both the airplane and the self-starting car engine--devices, he jokes, to help you get out of town fast. But, despite my fathers humorous sentiments, in 1973 this town served as the stage for my parents' love story.

As I "time travel" to 1973,1 decide to visit the church my parents both attend. First Baptist Church sits on the corner of Maple and Ridgeway Street, a mix of old tradition and the young, sometimes unruly group of "Jesus

224 joshua harris people" of which my parents are a part. I find a seat at the coffeehouse located in the basement of an old house next to the church. "The Rock," as they call it, is full of high school and college students. A young man in faded jeans and a T-shirt sits on a stool in the comer of the room, playing guitar and singing. He's my father.

His hair is long and scraggly I can't help but

Time's coming, and it won't be long. Everybody's going to be gone. We're going to meet at the Great White Throne; Some are going to wonder what's going on.

I had forgotten that as a young man my dad faced an unknown and confusing world too. At this point in his life, he has only recently returned to the Lord and to his hometown of Dayton. For the last several years, he has moved from resort to resort--Laguna Beach, Lake Tahoe, Vail--playing his guitar and singing for tips in restaurants. Now the one-time hitchhiking runaway plays his guitar for Jesus. Many wonder if he'll ever amount to anything. (he will.)

My mom is here tonight too. What a strange thing to see my mother as a beautiful young girl. I can't take my

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eyes off her. She has all the mannerisms as a young woman that I've observed in her throughout my life. She's so different and yet so much the same. Is it any wonder Dad grew to love her? I see her give my dad a quick glance while he plays. She's trying not to seem too impressed.

At this point in her life, Mom has been a Christian for only a year. She's still a bit headstrong and independent. At nineteen, she's a talented ballet dancer whose conversion to Christ has disrupted her ambitions for a professional career. Uncertain of her future, she's leaning toward the possibility of foreign missions. Of some things she is sure: She never wants to marry, and she never, ever wants to have children. I wonder how she'd respond if I introduced myself to her as the first of her six kids.

I steal closer to her table when I notice my dad walking over. I don't want to miss their conversation. Dad tries to appear aimless as he wanders in her direction, but he obviously wants to talk to her.

"So this is the night!" I think to myself. I've heard the story of this conversation countless times. I lean forward to hear my mom's reply.

"No, thanks," she says. "Newton Tucker is driving us home."

My mom can be curt when she wants to, and tonight she's in full form. Completely unconcerned, she barely attempts to be polite.

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"Well...maybe I can give you a call sometime," my dad says.

"Thank goodness he's so clueless," 1 think to myself. "Any other guy would take a hint and give up. But not Dad. No, siree! And it's a good thing, too. If it weren't for that indomitable Harris spirit, 1 wouldn't be here!"

My mom looks up at him again and gives a noncommittal "Mmm-hmm," obviously inconvenienced.

"Uh, what's your phone number?" he asks as she stands up to go.

She looks at him, pauses momentarily, then says, "It's in the church directory."

"Ouch!" I say out loud. "Mom can be so cold. "It's in the directory" Now that is harsh."

My dad stands silently as she walks away, and he sighs as she disappears up the steps. The situation looks pretty hopeless.

But then, I know the end of the story, and it's my favorite part. This is where God gets involved.

That night, after the infamous "It's in the directory" speech, my mom and dad prayed about each other in the privacy of their two bedrooms.

My mom's iciness toward the guitar-playing boy at the coffeehouse was not without explanation. She enjoyed his music, and his seriousness about the Lord had caught her attention. But since coming to the Lord, she had been hounded by girl-crazy Christian guys whose faith hadn't done much to reign in their hormones. More than one had told her that God had spoken to him and said she would marry him. My mom quickly learned that many guys would use religious overtures just to get the girl. She was fed up and disgusted.

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