If You're Not the One (30 page)

Jennifer was getting used to finding out things she never could have predicted. Poor Steve. Of all the people to be infertile. Sometimes life didn't half play cruel tricks on people.

For a while Jennifer pondered over the lives she could have had and the children she'd borne in each of them. If she'd been with Aidan she'd have had endearing, sweet Nathan who she knew she would have loved fiercely with every inch of her being. Then there were the four children she'd shared with Tim, each one lovely but very much a product of their upbringing and ultimately all to be damaged by losing their mother at such tender ages. Then she thought of Polly and Eadie and with a stab of potent, maternal love, her insides lurched with a sense of urgency, another sign that slowly reality was taking hold. She needed to return to them. She needed to feel their small bodies in her arms. Her little girls. Her real, living, breathing, little girls who thrilled and drained her every day in equal measure.

Suddenly, Jennifer could sense that her experience was
beginning to draw to a close. Something was either going to change or end soon. But first she had one more journey to make. She hoped, really hoped, that everything was going to be OK. Not perfect. She would probably never expect that ever again because she no longer believed it even existed, but OK would be just fine. OK would be nice.

What Could Have Been—Steve

Jennifer got out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel before removing her shower cap. She'd been to the hairdressers earlier and hadn't wanted to ruin her hair before the party. She was very pleased when it tumbled out and didn't look frizzy.

‘You all right, gorgeous?' called Steve from the bedroom where he was also getting ready. ‘You excited?'

‘Very,' replied Jennifer, applying a nice generous portion of Lancôme moisturiser to her face. As the steam started to clear from the mirror she regarded her reflection. Her hairdresser had done a great job. All the grey was covered and recently she'd started having a few low lights which helped soften everything up a bit. She was confident that once she had her make-up on and was wearing her nice new Phase Eight dress, she'd look really nice, elegant, ‘good for her age'. Although when your age was sixty you were never going to be exuding a youthful bloom or the kind of sex appeal you once had in your thirties
and to an extent forties. Still, one of the few advantages of getting older was that you tended to care less about things that weren't really important in the grand scheme of things. Walking past a building site and not being whistled at wasn't the end of the world. These days Jennifer was happy to blend into the background and be a spectator rather than the main event. As time marched on she had an increasing amount of life to look back on and less future to worry about which enabled her to enjoy the present more.

Her patience levels had definitely improved too. Take the arrangements for today for instance. The person she'd been in her twenties would have spent the last few weeks panicking that it wouldn't be perfect, that people would be bored/not come/hate the food. As it was she'd taken all the planning in her stride, knowing that of course her guests would have a lovely time and that if the caterers she'd hired to do a barbecue weren't very good, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Perhaps people should put off getting married till they were in their sixties, she mused idly? For if she had her time again, she certainly wouldn't waste all that energy fretting over tiny details no one cared about.

‘Who's dressing your mother?' she asked, poking her head out of the en-suite as the thought suddenly occurred to her.

‘I'll do her,' replied Steve, bending down from where he was sat on the edge of the bed, levering his shoes on with a shoe horn. When it had come to what suit he was
going to wear he'd been spoilt for choice. As one of
Price Smash's
highest sellers he was provided with a new suit every quarter. Over the years he'd accrued so many that he regularly sold them on eBay.

‘Thanks love,' said Jennifer, glad he was happy to do it. She wanted to quickly paint her nails and getting June dressed would have meant she couldn't.

Three hours later, glass of champagne in hand, Steve stood under the gazebo which they'd had erected on the patio the day before. He tinged his glass.

‘Hi everyone, can I have your attention please? And don't worry, I'm not going to try and sell you anything.'

The forty or so assembled guests laughed with varying degrees of gusto determined largely by how much they'd had to drink. Jennifer experienced a huge pang of thankfulness as she surveyed the scene. So far the day had been blissful. The garden and house looked fantastic, the weather had held, the food was delicious, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. To be surrounded by all their friends and family was a wonderful thing and so rare too. She loved the mix of generations present and it was great watching her parents, who were both still in rude health, catching up with some of her friends. She could tell they were having a wonderful time, as was June who, despite driving Jennifer mad on a daily basis, had earned her respect over the years. She may have been in
a wheelchair for the last five of them but today she was sat upright in it surveying proceedings almost regally. Of course she loved the fact that so many of
Price Smash's
presenters were currently standing in her back garden.

‘Come on you rowdy lot, listen up now,' bellowed Steve, a huge grin on his face.

Jennifer felt a swell of pride. Steve had aged very well and was still incredibly good looking. He hadn't let himself develop a paunch unlike so many of her friends' husbands. She glanced now at Pete who was still tucking into the remains of the buffet. That must be at least his third plate and the way his shirt was straining to contain his belly suggested that one small portion would have been plenty. Some people mocked Steve for being groomed and taking care of his personal appearance, which he did because of his job, but she had no complaints and knew his fitness levels contributed to his still healthy libido.

As Steve waited for quiet, some people persisted in carrying on chattering, forcing others in the crowd to eventually do some very loud ssshhing until those who weren't listening finally shut up.

‘Thank you. Right,' began Steve. ‘So, as you know we're all here because, as hard as it is to believe, Jennifer, my beautiful wife, has turned sixty years old today.'

A few people cheered and someone at the back did a wolf whistle which made everyone laugh.

‘Jen, I don't want you to go anywhere near that man,' joked Steve, pointing at the culprit. ‘He simply can't be trusted. Take it from me I know,' he added, winking at his work colleague to show he was joking. ‘Jen, actually where are you, babe?' he said scouting the crowd, one hand up to shield his eyes from the sun. ‘I want you up here next to me where we can all see you.'

‘I'm here,' she waved, from where she'd been attempting to keep a low profile by the buffet table.

Lucy who was stood next to her gave her an encouraging shove.

‘Well get up here,' Steve insisted.

There was another loud cheer at which point Jennifer realised she definitely should have served the food earlier. They were all three sheets to the wind. Grinning madly she went up to join her husband.

‘Come here beautiful,' said Steve, loving the whole thing and waiting for the cheers to subside. ‘Now, I just want to say in front of all our friends and family that I honestly feel like I owe you my life, for you, Jennifer, are the kindest, most unselfish, gorgeous woman ever to have walked this earth.'

Jennifer could feel herself welling up. Steve had never been anything but lovely to her. Sometimes he drove her mad, like when he insisted on watching his
Price Smash
shows back as soon as he got in, or when he refused to go to the theatre or watch anything that wasn't certified a ‘blockbuster', but over the years he'd almost drowned her
in love, partly due to the guilt he felt over not being able to give her a child. Still, she'd always tried to reassure him that she was happy with her lot. Having their own family simply hadn't meant to be. It had taken a while for true acceptance to arrive but she'd got there in the end. Strangely she'd been experiencing fresh pangs of grief recently as she'd contemplated not just never being a mother but never being a grandmother. Though she refused to dwell on it for too long, knowing that in so many other ways her life was very blessed. There had been some massive advantages to not having children, ones which they reminded one another of regularly. Over the years she'd witnessed how the very tiring years when children first arrived had damaged some of her friends' relationships, had turned marriages stale and left people with no energy for anything until they resembled empty, tired husks. Without anyone else to focus their time, energy and indeed money on, she and Steve had been able to concentrate on themselves and what they wanted to do. There had been periods when unlimited time for one another had felt like a luxury they didn't want, but she simply had to look at the upside or die bitter and full of sadness which would never do. Determined never to lead a life which felt even remotely empty she and Steve had made every effort to achieve the opposite. As a result they were one of the most well-travelled couples she knew, having toured round the continents of India, Africa and America. They'd climbed the Himalayas, raised £110,000
for their charity and, thanks to Steve's ever increasing salary at
Price Smash
and not having to shell out on dependents, had never had to worry about money to fund all these ventures. They entertained constantly, played golf, did yoga and took classes. Their lives were full to the brim. Different to the one they would have had given the choice but a perfect example of making the most of your lot and probably far more diverse.

‘Not only does she look after me,' continued Steve now, ‘but she's always helped take care of my old mum, the duchess, June. All right Mum! In fact, we should all raise a glass to my mum because without her, shopping channels would probably go bankrupt. In fact, if you don't believe me, take a look at how many figurines are crammed into our cabinets. And in case you were wondering, four combination ovens for a three person household is three too many but there's no telling her is there, Jen?'

Laughing, Jennifer shook her head in agreement and gave June a little wink who in turn cackled away, adoring being the centre of attention.

‘So here's to June,' instructed Steve and there was a long pause as everyone drank from their glass and then raised them. ‘To June.'

‘And watch out Kevin Jameson. She's got her eye on you,' he quipped which again got a raucous laugh from the
Price Smash
crowd. ‘Right, lastly I'd like to thank Jen's parents as well, Lesley and Nigel, you've been a constant support to us both over the years. Nigel, we still can't
believe you ran a half marathon only twenty years ago for our charity. I'm not sure we'd want to see you attempt it now but what an achievement that was, mate. I'll never forget it. And also, Jennifer's gang of friends, where are you girls? That's Esther, Karen and Lucy who between them have given the two of us five godchildren in total. We may not have been blessed enough to have our own but they've made sure that we've had lots of wonderful little people to spoil at Christmas. Of course they're all grown up now and it's so lovely that three out of the five could be here today. We really do love you as our own, don't we Jen?'

She nodded, a huge lump in her throat constantly threatening to ruin her eye make-up.

‘You've honestly all enriched our lives, well, apart from the time Suzy stayed over and wet the bed…Sorry Suzy! You were only four, it's all right, we know you wouldn't do it now. Although the way I'm drinking today…I might.'

Another huge laugh.

‘Anyway, on a serious note you've really all meant the world to us.'

By now Jennifer had properly gone. She frantically tried to stem her happy tears with a hanky.

Steve leant in and gave his wife a kiss on the forehead. ‘My darling Jen, you're one in a million and if we could please now all raise our glasses to my wonderful wife. To Jennifer. Happy birthday, babe.'

‘To Jennifer. Happy Birthday,' said everyone pretty much in unison.

Much later Jennifer was slumped on the sofa with her best friend. The rest of the guests had left, either having been seen into cabs or, in a couple of cases, had arguments about who'd drunk less and swerved off into the night. Jennifer hadn't wanted Karen to leave though so she and Pete and their daughter Suzy had decided to stay over. Suzy, Pete and June had all hit the sack leaving Jennifer and Karen to have a good gossip and to laugh from time to time at Steve who was snoring loudly, passed out in the armchair.

‘Bless him, he's wiped out. Ah, you're a lucky girl you know,' said Karen, patting her friend's wrist.

‘I do know,' said Jennifer and it was the greatest feeling in the world to actually mean it.

‘Not many people can say their husband adores them like he adores you.'

‘Pete adores you,' said Jennifer.

Karen gave her an arch look and raised one eyebrow. ‘I'd say adores is a bit strong,' she countered. ‘Tolerates more like.'

‘No. Don't be silly.'

‘Oh we're all right,' said Karen. ‘We're fine and I'm very fond of him even though I do wish he'd take a leaf out of Steve's book and do a bit of bloody exercise.
These days it's like going to bed with a big hairy buffalo.'

Jennifer snorted.

‘It is! When he rolls on top for a quickie I feel like I'm getting crushed,' she complained.

‘Yeah well, I think you two are great and you've got lovely Suzy,' said Jennifer, the drink making her sound more wistful than she would ordinarily allow herself to be.

‘I know, love,' said Karen, ‘although you know she sees you as her second mum. You are her second mum.'

Jennifer squeezed her hand. ‘Right you, come on. Time for bed. Now we're old crones and eligible for our bus passes we need all the sleep we can get.'

‘We do,' said Karen, heaving herself reluctantly from the sofa. ‘Love you, Jen.'

‘Love you too,' said Jennifer, going over to attempt to wake up Steve so she could get him up to bed where they would both sleep very soundly.