Igniting the Wild Sparks (51 page)

He finally whispers, “Becks.” I fearfully
peer up at him, waiting for him to say more, but he stays silent as he continues to gape.

My voice shakes. “Finn?” My heart is thundering in my ears as I beg, “Please say something.”

He blinks and his eyes fly around me. “I… I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

“Why really? You said we could get engaged.”

“Yeah, but you’re
engaged
means something entirely different than mine.”

I retort, “Yours is slightly askew.” He cringes and bows his head. I reason, “I
gave
you time.”

He mumbles to the sand, “Not enough.”

And then I feel it. The knife. The familiar stab cuts through me, and rejection floods my body like a dam breaking, reminding me of the club in front of all those Finnatics shrouded over him. However, this is 1,000 times worse.

Licking
my salty, dry lips as the tears threaten, I hoarsely ask, “Are you turning down my dare? Are you saying no?”

He stays mute. Needing him to verbalize his answer, I restlessly probe again, “Is this a no?” I watch him struggle as he bites his lip and
closes his eyes since this is obviously something he doesn’t want to face. What the hell is going through Finn Wilder’s mind and heart right now? Doesn’t he love me? He said he does, but can I trust him with saying that?

When he finally pops his eyes open, his internal battle is gone, his expression is
determined and his voice is resolute. “Yes, Becks. It’s a no.”

His answer misleads me and I have to strive to comprehend
what he just said. When it gradually sinks in, I gasp and look down at the ring. How could I have been so incredibly stupid to think he would change his mind because I bought him a piece of jewelry and got down on my knee? Why would this piece of metal mean anything to him? He’d rather see me on my knees to give him a blow job, not for a promise of a future with me.

I wipe the tears that have streaked my face
while Finn is quiet. He’s not even going to apologize for balking at my proposal? I knew very well that this was a huge probability —him saying no—but for him to
actually
reject me is entirely different than just imagining it. Still, I was hoping and praying he’d say yes, and right now we’d be hugging, kissing, and crying happy tears. Maybe we’d even go back upstairs and make love again to celebrate.

I snap the box shut and squeeze it in my fist
until I feel it buckling. I glance up at him. “You’re really saying
no
?” He doesn’t make me relive it again as he doesn’t reply. His hands are in his pockets and he glowers at the sand between us, circumventing my eyes. Despairingly, I state, “You
said
you wanted to be my husband.”

At the ground
, he mumbles, “Becks.”

“What?” I bite. “I guess that was
another
one of your lies?”

He meekly
answers, “No.”

I dismally laugh and shake my head. “You’re so good at saying that word.”
Standing, I impulsively stuff the box into my pocket and grab my shoes.

He finally raises his head. “Where are you going?”

“Anywhere, but here.” I didn’t think I’d feel like this. I have to be the most idiotic woman on the planet to think that this wouldn’t have deep repercussions on our relationship. How can we go back to
normal
after he turned down my official proposal?

He snags my arm and stops me. “Wait.”

I choke on a sob. “I’ve waited long enough. I’m tired of waiting for you to grow up.”

“You
knew
how I felt. Why did you put yourself into this position?”

I whip around to face him. “And you knew how
I
felt! How could you
not
move from yours?” I put my hand on my chest and shout, “Why do
I
have to give up everything? I’ve changed so much in my life for you, but you won’t do
me
any favors! I went off the Pill for you! I agreed to move in with you without marriage! I gave up waiting for you to truly propose to me! I gave up having
your
kids because that’s not what you want!
What are
you
giving up, Finn? A ball and chain? Dirty diapers?” I fight to not cry harder, but I’m losing. I swallow more sobs and shriek, “Oh, those aren’t ever happening! So, nothing! You’re giving up
nothing
for me!”

He drops his hand from my arm, puts it on his hip, swinging his other arm out and barks, “I’m giving up a better-paying job in a bigger market to stay in Richmond with you!” He might as well have punched me in the face and hit a line drive to my stomach all at once.

My hand flies to my mouth, choking back vomit and more cries. “I
never
said you had to!” As I sob, my stomach muscles cramp underneath my bruise. The pain there still isn’t as bad as the pain in my heart. Again, he lied when he said I wasn’t keeping him from taking the job.

I
suddenly turn to leave, but he blocks me and grabs my upper arms, holding me prisoner in my misery. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

“You didn’t what? Want to admit that you lied to me
again
? You said I wasn’t holding you back! And before that, you refused to marry me!” I lower my head and as I cry harder, I garble, “Where does that leave us now?”

“Becks, don’t—” I glance up to his terrified expression.
Why would he be afraid? Finn Wilder isn’t afraid of anything not worth fighting for. Like that fucking bridge.

Well, maybe I’m
not
worth it.

“I need to get away from you. Morgan’s right.”

He guardedly asks, “About?”

“She said you’re only going to keep breaking my heart!” I bury my face in my hands and yell, “I’m such a fucking idiot!”

His grip tenses and I feel him shaking his head. “No, no, you’re not. It’s me, baby.”

I snap my head up. “Oh, so it
is
you
and not me?” I sarcastically seethe.

He nods and bluntly replies, “It’s all me.”

I growl, “You’re so fucking confusing. You make my damn head spin.” I jerk my arms, but he won’t relent.

His eyes are wide and continu
e to scour my face. “Stay here.”

“Why? I
just proposed with a ring and you rejected me. I’m such a stupid moron to think you would change your mind.” I swallow the bile rising in my throat.

Finn
tilts his head close to my face and urgently asks, “You’re
not
. I want so fucking much to say yes to you, but I can’t.”

I
morosely look at him. “So again, you’re turning me down. Nice.” I vainly yank my arm and tearfully plead, “Let me go, Finn.”

His voice
is undecidedly wobbly as he says, “No, because if I do, I think I really am letting you go.”

I snap, “
Then, at least you got laid one last time!” As that cold statement leaves my mouth, I gasp for air and crumple to the sand, bringing him down with me.

“Becks, no! No!
That’s not true. Don’t let it be.”

Sitting in the sand, I bring my kne
es up so I’m curled into a ball, wheezing as I slip my arm around myself to hold my aching stomach. He drapes over my body and holds onto me so that we’re a huddled mass. He whispers, “Baby, we’ll work through this. I promise, I’ll get there. I just won’t promise you that I’ll marry you soon when I know I can’t.” He lays his forehead on my shoulder as I shake us both with my weeping. He keeps whispering empty promises and maybe more lies. “I love you so much. I need you in my life. I can’t live without you. You’re my Becks. I’ll never love anyone else. You’re my best friend.”

My mind is
jumbled as I contemplate what to do next. I thought I would just mope back to my apartment, but this feels so much more devastating than I thought it would. This feels final.

We’re quiet
with only the sounds of the waves crashing and our close breathing surrounding us. “Baby, talk to me. Yell at me. Knock me on my ass. Just don’t go.” He takes an unsteady breath. “Becks, you’re my life. Without you, I’m nothing. We have to be okay. Please tell me you still love me.”

I sniff
, and wipe my cheeks and nose on my hand. Abruptly, I shift and he hesitantly moves off me, watching me, panicked, as I stand. “Becks, where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Me?” I give him a pointed look and notice his beautiful brown eyes are reflecting the light, making them shine. Is Finn Wilder going to cry? No. He would never shed a tear for me. He coolly turned down my proposal without blinking an eye.

“I don’t know.”
As I walk past him, he clips my hand, but I elude his grasp and run to the hotel for my car keys.

Outside of the lobby, I quickly put my shoes on
, rush to the elevator and repeatedly hit the call button, as if that really helps speed things along. I get to my room and hurriedly dump what I can into my suitcase, leaving what I don’t need. Right now, I just want to get out of here.

I run over to the window and I can see a huddled figure still sitting on the sand in the distance. He actually stayed there. Feeling somewhat less frantic, I finish packing. I toss my room key on the table and head to my car. I don’t even know where I can go. I need a day or two. Before I leave the lot, I make a decision and call my dad to tell him I’m on my way. I don’t care if it’s
more than four hours away from here. I’ll drive all night to get as far away as I can from Finn and my broken heart.

From the ultimate dare to the ultimate rejection.

Beckett is down for the count.

CHAPT
ER 24

FINN

“Finnigan, I’m giving you the ultimate dare. Will you
really
marry me?”

Holy fuck, Becks
!

No. She’s not doing this.

I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t even blink. My world has come to a screeching halt. All I am capable of doing is to stare at my girlfriend, who is on bended knee offering me a ring and asking me to marry her, and for me to
actually
do it. I’m so fucking torn.
I’m
the man.
I
should be the one begging
her
to marry
me,
yet I won’t. I can go through the motions, but not through the vows. I can’t believe Becks went out, bought a ring and planned this. Is this another way of giving me an ultimatum? She
knows
how I feel. We’ve talked about it so much lately that it’s a damned broken record. Yes. I was going to propose to her at my mom’s after our fight, and I truly was considering going to the altar with her, but my mom and stepdad’s divorce has changed all of that for me. Now, if I were ever to propose, it’d just be an in-name-only kind of thing, for now at least. And just like our fight in front of my apartment, I was going to ask her then, too, but actually making our relationship legal and binding before God, I’m not anywhere near ready for that, and I’m not sure when or if I’ll ever be that close again. I can’t risk losing her, but her proposing puts me right into that very predicament. I can’t win!

How am I suppo
sed to fucking respond to this and not fuck up our relationship?

This is
my
fucking nightmare.

Damn it, Becks!

“Sparks? Aren’t you going to say anything?” My bemused gaze focuses on Becks holding the black box, and I nearly spiral out of my mind all over again. With her frizzy braids from vigorously making love to me and her even wearing an old sweatshirt, she looks so beautiful. So…hopeful.

Could I say yes? Can I marry her? I know I’d love being married to Becks. I
do
want to be her husband. Shit! It’s ripping my fucking heart out I want it so much!

What’s my biggest problem of all? I’m scared. That’s what it all boils down to.
Even though I can deny it until I’m blue in the face, I’m a fucking pussy like Pam says. I’m not as valiant or daring as people think, yet I don’t care about everyone else’s opinion. I only care about one paralegal’s thoughts and consequently, hers are what I fear the most. I don’t want her to know how utterly afraid I am. It’s not the commitment because I already am committed to her. Hadley Beckett owns me: heart, body and soul. I have a permanent reminder of my commitment to her over my heart. It’s more than any wedding ring could represent. What scare me are the indefinite possibilities. They usually don’t, but in my personal life with Becks, I’m terrified of what could happen to us. I want to know exactly what we’re in for in our future. Divorce isn’t an option for me. I won’t do it. Would Becks?

Needless to say,
her love is what I live for. I don’t know how I got through my life before I met her. I want to drop to my knees and kiss her, while I tell her yes over and over. I’d wipe away her elated tears, as she’d have to wipe away mine, too. I’d then let her put the ring on my finger, listening to her tearfully giggle if she couldn’t get it on, and then kiss her again. After that, I’d sweep her up and happily yell to everyone still on the beach that we’re engaged and I’m her fiancé. We’d call everyone in our phone contacts and both tell them together, not caring it’s midnight. We’d gaze at the ring and our physical pledge to get married soon. We’d go up to our room and make love again because I know I’d want to reaffirm my love for her. I’d then put the greatest spin on it by proposing to her days later with a ring of my own.

Maybe in an alternate universe where I was a worthy enough man to marry her. Becks was right at the tennis court, there’s no doubt about that. I’m a 100%, grade-A prick.

Unable to fully speak, I huskily whisper, “Becks.” Her expression is so anxious. I don’t know what I can say to her. She really does want me to commit to marrying her; however, as much as I am committed to her, I can’t commit to the institution of marriage.

“Finn? Please say something.”

Snapping out of my trance, I study her sweet face. Is she going to make me say the word she doesn’t want to hear? Can’t she read it on my face? “I… I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

Her eyes flicker over me in puzzlement. “Why really? You said we could get engaged.”

“Yeah, but your
engaged
means something entirely different than mine.”

She derisively replies, “Yours is slightly askew.”
I know it is, Becks.
I’m so fucked up. She inserts, “I
gave
you time.”

I can’t look into her eyes as I conclusively admit, “Not enough.”

I know I’m breaking her heart. It’s breaking mine, too. I want to be the man she deserves. I want to be the man to give her everything she wants. I’m trying. I really am. I’ve given in to one of her desires. She already knows what I’ve been doing. I just don’t want to confirm that I am.

My attention is jerked back to her
when she anxiously asks, “Are you turning down my dare? Are you saying
no
?”

I don’t know what to say. I’m praying that I find the courage to be honest with her, yet I can’t even be honest with myself. On the other hand, after I met Becks, that’s when I started dreaming about
marrying her. Nevertheless, I can’t and now I want to marry her more than ever.

She impatiently demands, “Is this a no?” She’s going to make me give her
the straight-up answer? She can’t see me losing it here?

I close my eyes to shut everything out. I don’t want to break her heart, but I can’t set her up for an even more massive disappointment by saying I’ll marry her
, and then not follow through. I think that would be worse.

Fuck. How in the hell am I going to do this?

I don’t know, but I have to.

I open my eyes. Becks is so defeated.

I’m so sorry, baby. I love you. Please forgive me…again.

I have to give her the truth since I’ve told her enough lies
.

Inhaling
to gather breath and courage to not promise her something that I can’t guarantee, I say, “Yes, Becks. It’s a no.”

She rapidly blinks, but that’s all she does. I want to hold her and tell her I’m so sorry. I want to explain why I can’t marry her, yet she already knows all of this. She just doesn’t know the depth of my fear. It’s keeping me from giving us both what we want more than anything.

Becks takes a sudden breath of air and looks down at the ring. That’s when I really see it for the first time. The light is shadowy here, but it appears to be black because it blends in with the black velvet around it. Light reflects off the sides, making them look silver. Very cool and something I would’ve picked out myself. Shit. I bet she even has it engraved with something meaningful. I hate my fucking self!

She shuts the box and I hastily look away again, hearing it creak and
snap.
I’m so sorry, Becks. Damn it!
I stare at the sand because I can’t face her. I’m such a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. It’s probably all the better for her if I’m not her husband since I’m a fucking dumbass, like Ricky says. Ricky is going to murder me when I tell him what I did. If Ricky had met Becks first, he would’ve married her by now. The hard part would’ve been as his best man at their wedding, I would’ve had to watch the woman I was in love with become his bride.

“You’re really saying
no
?” she asks, and I hear the devastation in her voice. I can’t repeat my answer. I already told her once. I wish a bolt of lightning would hit me right now. Maybe it’d make me a normal guy who would jump at the chance to marry his girl.

She disconsolately accuses, “You
said
you wanted to be my husband.” I know what I said.

“Becks.” I wish I could make her understand, but I don’t understand myself
, either.

“What?” she snaps. “I guess that was
another
one of your lies?”

Not having a rational answer that she’d accept,
I miserably reply, “No.” That’s
not
a lie. I’m merely a fucking asshole.

She grimly laughs. “You’re so good at saying that word.” I hear her shuffling in the sand and I look up to see her
tucking the box back into her jeans pocket and grabbing her shoes.

“Where are you going?”
Becks, don’t leave.

“Anywhere, but here.”

I leap, grabbing her arm in time. “Wait.”

She tries
desperately not to cry and it slays me because I’m the reason she’s crying. She emits, “I’ve waited long enough. I’m tired of waiting for you to grow up.” Oh, fuck. This
is
an ultimatum.

I argue, “You
knew
how I felt. Why did you put yourself into this position?”

Spinning around, she angrily glares
at me. “And you knew how
I
felt! How could you
not
move from yours?” She stops to regain her composure, but doesn’t truly because she yells, “Why do
I
have to give up everything? I’ve changed so much in my life for you, but you won’t do
me
any favors! I went off the Pill for you! I agreed to move in with you without marriage! I gave up waiting for you to propose to me and mean it! I gave up having
your
kids because that’s not what you want! What are
you
giving up, Finn? A ball and chain? Dirty diapers?” She cries and gasps as she squawks, “Oh, those aren’t ever happening! So, nothing! You’re giving up
nothing
for me!”

Nothing? She thinks I’m giving up
nothing
? My hand falls from her arm. She doesn’t realize what
I’ve
sacrificed for her or am actively trying to give her!

My hand goes to my hip and before I can stop myself, I divulge, “I’m giving up a better-paying job in a bigger market to stay in Richmond with you!” She is surprised at first, but then she scrunches up her face and covers her mouth with her hand. Son-of-a-bitch. My fucking mouth. I shouldn’t have told her that.

Becks cries, “I
never
said you had to!” Her other hand goes to her stomach and I glance down. Her bruise has been bothering her for weeks now. Maybe it’s because I can’t keep from hammering my cock into her every time we’re alone.

She goes to leave and I bound in front of her, clutching her arms to stop her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—” mean to be a raving jerk.

“You didn’t what? Want to admit that you lied to me
again
? You said I wasn’t holding you back! And before that, you refused to marry me!” Her shoulders slump, and her head falls as she loses the battle to not lose it. Through her sobs she asks, “Where does that leave us now?” No. She can’t be alluding to what I think she is. We’re
not
over. She’s can’t hold me to saying yes or we’re done, yet there’s no way in hell I’m going to let her go. I’m fucked.

“Becks, don’t—” She looks up and her distraught gaze takes on a glint of surprise. Why? What is she thinking now? Her expression is only fleeting because she again is miserable.

She states, “I need to get away from you. Morgan’s right.” What is Morgan right about? Did she tell Becks what she saw?

I cautiously ask, “About?” I will kill Morgan if she told Becks. She said she’d give me a month.

“She said you’re only going to keep breaking my heart!” She hides her face in her hands and yells, “I’m such a fucking idiot!”

Holding her arms tightly,
I adamantly shake my head. “No, no, you’re not. It’s me, baby.”

Becks
looks up at me. “Oh, so it
is you
and not me?” she asks mockingly.

I nod and truthfully say, “It’s all me.”
Everyone will tell you that.

She angrily grumbles, “You’re so fucking confusing. You make my damn head spin.”

Becks tries to escape, but I hold onto her. I have to hold on. I beg, “Stay here.”

“
Why? I just proposed with a ring and you rejected me. I’m such a stupid moron to think you would change your mind” She closes her eyes and turns her head away from me. She can’t be breaking up with me. Is she actually going to put marriage as a requirement now? Is my mother right? Fucking hell.

I angle my head and step closer to her, on the brink of hysteria. “
You’re
not
. I want so fucking much to say yes to you, but I can’t.”

She glares at me. “So again, you’re turning me down. Nice.” She tries to
wriggle out of my grip, but can’t and she mournfully implores, “Let me go, Finn.”