Igniting the Wild Sparks (55 page)

I look to the floor and mutter, “I deserve it.” Cara grabs my jaw and forces me to look at her. “No, you don’t. I can see the pain in your eyes.
She broke your heart.”

She drops her hand and I finally concede, “Yes, she
did. She only wants to stay with me if we get married. She gave me an ultimatum.”

She sympathetically frowns. “I’m here for you, Finn. Whatever you need me to do to help you.” Her hand goes to my inner leg. “What can I do?”

Looking back to the floor, I move my leg away, but it doesn’t knock her hand off. “There’s nothing you can do.”

“I can try to
help you, if you let me.”

I marginally shake my head. “You can’t.”

“If Hadley’s having an affair with Greg, don’t you want to hurt her like she’s hurting you?”

“She’s not cheating on me.” I do believe her.

“Do you know that for sure? They’re really close friends. She even spent days in another state with him. Who knows what they were doing. I wonder where she slept.”

Clenching my teeth, I
glare at her and growl, “Stop.” Cara’s hand creeps up, but I still haven’t told her to move it.

Shaking her head, she sighs. “I hate how they’re making you look like a clueless victim.”

I object through my teeth, “I’m
not
a victim.”

“I think everyone on the team suspects them. They’re all coworkers. They know what goes on. I’ve
heard murmurings about Hadley’s and Rod’s behavior. They all feel bad at how weak it makes you look.”

“Weak?” She nods and I snap, “I’m
not
weak, either.”

“No, you’re not. You’re strong. She doesn’t deserve you.” Her fingers brush over my zipper. I glance down at her hand and then up to her face, my mounting anger falling by the wayside as bafflement pervades me.

I suspiciously ask, “What are you doing?” I’m pretty sure I know, but then again, I can’t comprehend her tenacity.

“I want to make you feel better. I want to help Finn Wilder exact his revenge.”

I shove her hand off me. “I’m not cheating on my girlfriend.”

“How can you cheat on her if she broke up with you?
”

I swallow through the agony suffocating me, and whisper, “I don’t know.”

“I don’t care what she told you about Rod. I think something happened between them.”

I accused Becks of fucking
Greg Rodwell and she said she’s not. Oh, shit. Am I stupid to think she wouldn’t lie to me when I lied to her about the skydiving?

Looking at Cara, the horror slithers in. I peer over to the nightstand to the pictures of Becks and me. We were so happy and
so deeply in love. I thought we were. At least I was. Could she really be cheating on me and lying about it, while throwing tantrums about me lying to her? I’ve been hiding the skydiving, but I don’t think having an affair behind my back justifies that.

No. I trust Becks. I determinedly maintain, “No. She wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Even if she isn’t, she’s still throwing you away, Finn. She broke up with you because she wants you to be someone you’re not. To do something you don’t want. To give up your life for
her
. She doesn’t want to give you anything in return, and she’s not getting her way, so she’s dumping you. I think you’re perfect the way you are. She doesn’t appreciate that.” Cara leans against me and her hands move to my belt buckle of my gray pants.

My hands clamp onto her wrists to stop her
and I growl, “No. I
love
her.”

S
lanting her head, she looks up at me. “She doesn’t love the
real
you. She wants to fulfill her own desires, forgetting about yours. She only wants you on
her
own terms. She doesn’t give a fuck what you want. She wants to trap you in a marriage that you don’t want, and since you don’t want it, she’s getting rid of you like you’re yesterday’s sports scores. Fuck that. Let me take care of you. Let me help you get over her.”

I
torpidly stare at Cara, letting go of her wrists. Becks has left me. She pitched our love into the fucking trash because I’m not giving in, only wanting me if I marry her. Anything less is unacceptable. I have to be her husband in order for her to love me, not loving me just for being me. I wanted to marry her…maybe someday; however, she doesn’t have to be my wife. Legal or not, I’ll eternally love her no matter what she is to me. Though I guess in her eyes, our love
does
have an expiration date.

Becks, how can you destroy my heart like this? My life?

“Let me help you relax. You’ll be able to think clearer tomorrow.” Cara pushes on my chest and I involuntarily recline back, not having the strength to protest any longer. I feel like a damn zombie. All I can think about is how Becks doesn’t want me anymore.
My Becks
. She asked me to marry her and I told her no. Now, she wants to end our love like these past three years have meant not a fucking thing to her. I know I broke her heart, but she broke mine by saying we can’t work it out. Her love is conditional upon only if I become her husband. She won’t love me as her boyfriend or even if she can call me her fiancé. She thinks I’m nothing but a waffling asshole that refuses to grow up because I won’t sign a piece of paper and say “I do” in front of a shit ton of people I don’t know.

That’s what my brain tells me.

My heart, on the other hand, wants to fight for her until I’m bruised and bloody. Until my final breath on Earth. I should beg her to marry me, but now, she’d just laugh in my face, as she should. At any rate, I know she’s better off without me.

When she disembowels me, will it be Mortal Kombat and I instantaneously die in a heap of bones as Becks cheers over me in victory?

Still, I love her.
Fuck! I love her!
I will always,
always
love Hadley Beckett. My Becks. I just wish she loved me as unconditionally as I love her.

As Cara works on my fly, I look up at the ceiling. My body belongs to Becks… it did. I want to stop Cara, but my arms won’t move and my voice is gone. I can’t even breathe. I shouldn’t let her do this, but I can’t be without Becks even more, and that’s unquestionably happening since I turned down her proposal. She doesn’t want me now.

I don’t even deserve her if she did.

Becks, I love you so much. Baby, I need you. I always will. Always…

Imagining it’s Becks’ touch, my vision begins to blur, so I close my eyes.
Becks…
She’s all I see and she’ll be forever in my heart.

My numb body slowly begins to
unfaithfully respond amid my raging thoughts. I don’t want to do this with Cara, but I don’t want to feel the excruciating misery incinerating me alive in my chest. I have to do something to get rid of the torture. Please just take the pain away. Whatever it takes. I’m dying. Don’t let me think anymore. Make me forget for now because tomorrow, it’s going to hit me like a speeding bullet.

I
am
weak.

God, help me. Forgive me.

My Becks…

I love you.

I can’t do this.

Fuck.

CHAPTER 25

“Here, pumpkin pie.” my dad says, handing me a glass of lemonade. I mechanically take it from him, setting it on the small glass table next to my rocking chair on the back porch. It’s early Monday afternoon. I’ll have to leave soon because I’m out of vacation days. I haven’t talked to Finn since I left the beach, though, he’s been calling me nonstop, leaving me 29 messages—well, that’s what my phone claims. That total could be a little off. I haven’t spoken to Morgan, Rod or Val yet, either. Rod’s calls have also been numerous. I know they’re all worried, but I honestly don’t want to brag about me being an absolute idiot.

“Thanks,” I
feebly mumble, not really wanting a drink or a talk; although, I feel like the lemonade should come with a disclaimer that a lecture is imminent.

He sighs and takes a seat in the rocking chair on the
opposite side of the table. “Hadley, please tell me what happened. You show up here at 4:30 Sunday morning, but you won’t say why. You won’t talk to me. All you want to do is sit out here. Did you and Finn have an argument?” An argument. I guess you could call it that.

I watch the leaves flutter on the trees in my dad’s wooded backyard. I grew up here. I loved playin
g in the trees with my brother, but this doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. My home is a state away, persistently calling me.

“What happened?” he asks again, his craggy voice is soft and comforting. I tighten my folded arms around me and
hesitantly peer over at him. He’s wearing a white T-shirt and khaki cargo shorts. Adam Beckett. My dad. He’s tall and thin. I definitely lost out on that lottery. My brother lucked out, though. I was born when my dad was in his early 20’s, so he’s still a young dad to me, and he’s still boyish-looking, even with his bushy, brown hair, heavily peppered with gray. If he’d color it and shave off his light, graying beard, he’d look even closer to me in age. There have been so many times when I’ve been with him that people remarked that he’s too young to be my father, or that we look like brother and sister. His youthful handsomeness comes close to rivaling Finn’s baby face.
Sparks…

“I think we’re over, Dad.” I unwind my arms and cover my face with my hands.
Vaguely, I hear him get up, and he puts his arms around my shoulders from behind my chair.

“Baby doll, I’m so sorry,” he gently says over my head, which only makes me cry harder. I love my dad. I miss his hugs. Finn would be a good dad like mine is.
Oh, Finn…

Dad
says again, “Talk to me.”

“I’m an idiot!” I cry. “I thought he would… I didn’t think…” I sniff and rub my nose with the back of my hand as my dad hangs
above me. I summarily eek out, “I asked Finn to marry me and he said no!”

“You did?”

I avidly nod, shaking the white chair and his arms as I do. “I bought him a ring and I got down on my knee because I knew he’d never truly do it. He might have, but he wouldn’t have meant for us to really get married.”

“Did you do it because of what I said to you about getting married?”

“No. I already had bought him the ring and was planning to do it when I talked to you. I’ve wanted to marry him since our first date, when I fell in love with him. I love him so much, Dad.” I again quiver with sobs and my dad moves around my chair to kneel down in front of me. I only saw Finn on his knee for me once, but his rainy proposal wasn’t even going to be real.

My dad lays his arm over my leg. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you’d do that or even that he’d say no to you. Why would he do that? I thought you two were so happy?”

I tuck some hair behind my ears, but careful to not expose my concealed love bites to my father. “We were, but it’s my fault. I’ve been harping on him for two years about us getting married, especially the last six months or so, yet he told me from the start he doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t believe in marriage. He’s been scarred several times by his parents’ divorces.”

“Oh. Well, I guess I can understand that. Divorce is rough. I know.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean
we’ll
get divorced. I would never up and leave him.”

“Do you think anyone plans on getting divorced when they get married? It happens. I never thought your mother was going to ditch me. We were in love once. We had two kids together.” I brush hair off his forehead and give him a wistful smile. He says, “I wouldn’t change it, though. I wouldn’t have you or Jared. We made it through.”

“I don’t want to be without him, Dad. Even though he rejected me, I still love him and want us to still be together. My heart is aching, but thinking about not having him at all, is
killing
me.” I wipe the tears as my dad patiently waits for me to go on. “I just talked to him on the phone. He was begging me not to leave him. He sounded so desolate, saying he wanted to fix it and that he’ll give me anything I want.” I shake my head and glance at the trees in the yard. “I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I’m such a horrible girlfriend for pushing him anyway. Then I get mad when he turns me down, even though he’s told me time and time again he doesn’t want to get married. I’m so, so stupid!” I cry again and my dad reaches up to dry my tears.

“No, Hadley. You’re in love
, but you don’t want the two of you to just live together. You’ve always wanted to marry your one, true love and have always believed your soulmate was somewhere out there. I remember your little-girl dreams.” He smiles and lovingly rubs my knee. “My little girl wants to be married to the love of her life and now that you’ve found him, you want to be Finn’s wife, not his girlfriend. You want to vow to each other before God and call him your husband. I understand, baby doll.” He shakes his head and sighs. “I told you to marry him and I know that’s what you want and I would love to walk you down the aisle,” I tremor again with sobs and he smiles remorsefully, “but if he’s honestly struggling with his feelings about divorce, he needs to work those issues out first. If he really loves you, but turned down your proposal, his issues are deeper than
you
even know.”

“I don’t want him to think that my love for him is stipulated on us getting married. I’ve been out here since this morning thinking about that. After he said no, I only thought of getting away from him and maybe letting him go, but I can’t. Even though I’m hurting right now, I knew this could be the outcome of my proposal. I told myself beforehand that I’ll still love him and stay with him, no matter what. I love him so much it hurts to be away and angry with him. I want Finn to be my husband, but I’m not going to force him to change. I’ll move in with him and maybe someday he’ll change his mind, but I’m not going to expect him to any longer.”

He sighs and says, “The only thing I can suggest is to be there for him. Don’t abandon Finn because that’ll only make him close himself off even more to people. Talk to him about it, but don’t push him to get married. Maybe try couples’ therapy. That may help him open up more and address his reservations.”

I raise a dubious eyebrow. “Who are you
and where’s my dad?”

He chuckles and pats my leg. “I’ve learned a thing or two over the years.”

“Dr. Phil.” I remember Finn mentioning him to Ricky and my eyes tear up again.

“No, not Dr. Phil.” He teasingly frowns. “Dang.”

“Then why aren’t
you
married?”

He shrugs. “I haven’t found
the right one yet.”

“Who wouldn’t want you? You’re such a catch.” I
touch his scraggly cheek and he rolls his hazel eyes. Smiling at him, I then think about what he said. “I suspect Finn is a little scared, but maybe it’s more that he doesn’t want to marry
me
than he is
scared.
He makes a living being unafraid.”

“Are you really questioning his commitment to you? You did see him get a tattoo with your nickname on it, did you not, on TV, no less? That is pretty permanent and quite a declaration of his love for you. Only a drunk guy or
one undeniably in love would do something like that. Finn seemed sober to me.”

I beam. “He did admit that he thinks of it like his wedding ring.”

My dad smiles back. “Even
I
knew that. Hadley, he’s
crippling
scared. Marriage is a huge deal, more so for him since divorce has affected him this significantly. I didn’t realize it had. He’s afraid of marrying you and then losing you to a divorce.”

“But he doesn’t want more? Sometimes he acts like he wants more from his career than he does for us.”

“Don’t doubt his love for you. He got that tattoo to substantiate it to you and a whole bunch of people. Not a lot of men will do that. He declared how much he’s yours. Marriage or not.”

Nodding, I
dab my cheeks. “On the phone, I gave him an out. I told him to take the job he was offered in Baltimore so that I’m not anchoring him to Richmond.”

“Baltimore? He’d be about 45 minutes from here.”

“Yep.”

“You wouldn’t come up here with him?”

“I don’t want to hound him anymore about marriage. He deserves to be nag-free. I’m making him miserable.”

“What does Finn think about you not going with him?”

“He said he won’t go without me.” The tears build again as I mumble, “I’m holding him back.”

“Hadley, he loves you. I think he’ll be worse off without you than he is with you and you wanting to get married. Don’t leave Finn. Don’t do that to him. Go with him to Baltimore.”

“You just want me to live closer to you.”

He grins. “Maybe.” I giggle and he says, “Really. I want you to be happy. You and Finn won’t be happy apart. I see how you look at each other when I’m with you two. He looks at you like there’s not another woman on this
planet for him. I haven’t seen a love like that in a long time.”

“
You
think he really loves me
that
much?”

“Yeah. I do. He’s a lovesick fool for my daughter. I knew it in the ER. He couldn’t take his eyes off of you. He was so concerned about you, too. He seemed like a
truly nice guy. I mean, he was there with his sister because she was sick and he was worried about a woman he just met. When you were getting your cast on, he asked me for your phone number so he could check on you. Then as we were leaving, he looked worried that he’d never see you again. I saw Finn Wilder falling in love with my pumpkin pie.”

“That sounds sort of like what Simone said, too. I was a complete stranger, though. How could he love me that soon?
I only talked to him for a short time since I was crying so much, and then I was taken back to get X-rays and a cast. And then, after I had my cast on, we only talked for a few minutes before we left. He said he’d check on me, but I didn’t believe him.”

He shrugs and gives me a small smile. “Love can bring strangers together in just one look. It’s pretty mysterious like that.”

“Did you and Mom have a love like that?”

He sighs. “No. That’s why I know what you have with him is so much more miraculous.
Even if you’re not married, he’s still my son-in-law. I love that kid.”

I questioningly smirk. “Kid?”

“You’re both kids.” He puts his hand on his chest. “Look at me. I’m an old coot.”

I laugh and lean forward to push on his arm. “Shut up.”

He squeezes my knee. “So, you should go on home and work it out with Finn. Tell him to take the job and you’ll go with him. Maybe your boss can help you network to find another job. I’m also sure Finn will help you find something with his connections. I’ll ask around, too.”

“So, you’ll understand if we’re not married?”

“Well, I’m sure it’ll happen, but yeah. I’m okay. I only want you to be happy and if just living together is enough for both of you and
you
are sincerely happy, then I want whatever you do. I want you to be loved. That’s all I want for you, and you have that with Finn. He takes care of you and that’s all that matters to me.”

I hug him, crying on his shoulder. “I love you, Dad. Thank you for talking to me. I knew you were the only one to help me through this.”

I feel him laugh. “Anytime, but try to visit me at a more reasonable hour, would you? I love seeing you, but 4:30 in the morning is a little extreme to visit your old man.” I giggle against his neck. “And next time, bring your
other
old man.”

I laugh and pull on a handful of his hair. “I will. Get a haircut first.”

“Yes, ma’am.” That makes me lightly punch his arm.

He pats my back. “Now get going so you can spend a little time with him to talk. Does he work later?”

I sit back and nod. “I’ll probably catch him as he gets off work.” I hug him again before I get up to go get my suitcase.