I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (18 page)

Thanks Mel

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.41pm

To: Mellissa Peters

Subject: Re: Hey

Count me in Mellissa, I’m looking forward to it. On talent night, I am going to perform a disappearing act featuring a bottle of scotch and a kayak. What’s your plan?

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From: Mellissa Peters

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.53pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Hey

I don't know yet. Probably a dance or something.

Buying a Canada Goose jacket online

Call me a cynic, but I still have my doubts that John was actually emailing me from Canada.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 8 February 2011 1.10pm

To: John Michaels

Subject: Canada Goose jacket

Hello John,

Can you let me know if the jackets are actual Canada Goose products or Chinese reproductions?

Regards, David.

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From: John Michaels

Date: Tuesday 8 February 2011 3.13pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Canada Goose jacket

No made in china. Made in Canada. In 1957, the city was founded in Toronto, Canada flourish in the textile industry. The brand launched by the company CANADA GOOSE is. It is high brand of many claps. You outdoor brands move production to other countries in Asia and the earth in order to promote value for money and be still to look beautiful, I stick to innovate technology and product is always strong. I promise. Standing higher than 50 years since its founding, CANADA GOOSE Product of Siberia and northern Canada, and the people living in a cold land, such as Alaska, Antarctic expedition, Snowy lands with wind and ice and animals. No to the wind. I will not be cold. Feedback has been based on data from the product of real experience in their field it is. I promise. High-quality functionality and comfort with solid technical force, has received high praise from humans of the world it is. There are no lies.

Buying an Omega Speedmaster online

I don't actually know why or how it happened. One moment I was looking at an expensive watch on Amazon, and the next I had clicked the 'Buy with 1 click' button.

Instantly experiencing the sweaty, panicky version of buyer's remorse, I considered calling the bank and reporting the credit card stolen but it is unlikely they would believe a robber, in possession of my card, would log in to my Amazon account and order me a watch. My second thought was to call Amazon and cancel the order but this would mean I wouldn't actually get the watch.

Boys like watches. Girls like watches too, but not in the same way as they get to wear as much other jewelry as they want. It takes my partner Holly almost twenty minutes to remove her bracelets going through airport security and if she stood on the roof of our house with her arms outstreched, she would be able to pick up Japanese television broadcasts.

Or be struck by lightning. If it was the latter, I wouldn't have to explain the watch.

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From: Holly Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 10.16am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Amazon order

Did you order something from Amazon with the credit card for $2,280 on Tuesday?

Holly

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 10.22am

To: Holly Thorne

Subject: Re: Amazon order

I'm offended by the question. How irresponsible do you think I am?

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From: Holly Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 10.31am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Amazon order

I'm at work, I don't have time to write the ten pages that question demands. It was charged to the credit card on June 7. If you didn't order something, I will call the bank and find out what's going on. Did you buy something for $2,280 or not?

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 10.42am

To: Holly Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

Yes. But I blame Amazon's 'Buy with 1 click' button. Evaluating the consequences of clicking it takes longer than clicking it and you know how little patience I possess.

You experienced first hand the button's seductive propensity last week when you were browsing for books about glassblowing and purchased a kayak.

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From: Holly Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 10.47am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

The kayak was under 300 dollars and you bought a model of the space shuttle and an orange NASA jumpsuit at the same time. At least we can both use the Kayak. It's good to try new things. What the hell did you buy that cost $2280?

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 10.59am

To: Holly Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

It's not a jumpsuit, it's a flight suit. Discovery doesn't jump into orbit.

I purchased an Omega Speedmaster Professional. Apparently it keeps terrible time, can't get wet, has to be wound daily and its Hesalite crystal face scratches in a mild breeze, but it was the first watch worn on the moon.

Buzz Aldrin wore the exact model during the Apollo 11 mission and it has the words 'Flight qualified by NASA for all manned space missions' stamped into the back. It also has a tachymeter.

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From: Holly Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 11.14am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

That will come in handy the next time someone asks "Has anybody got a tachymeter?" I don't care if it was the first watch worn on the sun, $2,280 is a ridiculous amount of money to pay for a watch even if it has a tachymeter.

We're supposed to be saving money, not buying everything that has the NASA logo stuck on it.

I'm going to get home one day and find a space shuttle in the driveway and you sitting inside wearing your jumpsuit. When I didn't finish my food at Jalisco's last night you said "There are children in Africa who would kill for that taco."

How does a $2,280 watch fit in with your newfound altruism?

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 11.33am

To: Holly Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

I'm pretty sure the kids in Africa would want me to have the watch. And given the choice between a watch and a taco, I doubt any African child would choose the watch. It's not as if they have business meetings to attend or need to know when it is dinner time.

They could probably use a kayak though. When asked "what's the time?" by passersby, they would reply, from beneath the shade of their new kayak, "Why? Are you late for a business meeting?" and the passersby would respond, "Sarcasm is the lowest form of... is that a taco?"

I'm also fairly sure that if I showed the African kids the watch and asked, "Should I have sent you a cheque instead?" they would reply, "No, charity is detrimental unless it helps the recipient become independent of it. Besides, I'd rather have a taco.” They would probably then ask what the tachymeter is for and I would have to admit that I have no idea.

While I am all for altruism, it shouldn't entail exclusive concern for the welfare of others over one's own needs. It is all about balance; I ate all of my tacos so I get a watch. Which, incidently, was actually only $2,100. As it retails for nearly $4000, this means I have effectively saved us nineteen-hundred dollars. If I were to do this every week, by the end of the year we would have saved 4.7 million dollars. We could purchase as much altruism as we want with that kind of cash. And jetpacks. It's good to try new things.

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From: Holly Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 11.41am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

4.7 million? Even with a space watch I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for NASA to call as they probably prefer their astronauts to be capable of basic math. If we were in space and ground control asked you to plot the trajectory for re-entry, we would burn.

If the watch was only $2,100, what did you buy with the other $180? And does it also have a NASA logo on it?

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 11.44am

To: Holly Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

No, the extra $180 was for a pair of G-Star pants.

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From: Holly Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 June 2011 11.47am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Amazon order

Did Buzz Aldrin wear them on the moon?

The horn in the grill procedure

Step 1

Purchase one of those horn things that roll out when you blow into them. You have to get the ones that make a loud “brawwww” sound, not the stupid ones that you blow into and they are just a tube that makes no noise. This time around, I accidently bought the kind that don’t make the noise but as there is no sound in the book, I will just pretend that the one shown above is the kind that makes the noise. If you are going to carry on about the availability of the ones that make the noise, a plastic whistle will do. It’s really not that complicated.

To describe the horn in the grill procedure, I probably could have just said “You hide a horn/whistle in the grill” but cutting things up, rolling poster-putty and taking photographs, made it look like I was busy. During the process, My partner Holly asked if I wanted to go with her to Target to buy a shoe cupboard but, unfortunately, the horn/whistle/grill photographs weren’t going to take themselves.  

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Step 2

Cut the bit off that rolls out when you blow into the horn.

You can throw that bit away unless you have another project or something you are working on that requires it.

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