I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (17 page)

To escape, I dove as they approached but one reached under the surface and grabbed my foot - causing me to hang upside down and swallow water. Gasping to the surface, I was met by the other man pushing a surfboard towards me, which hit me in the side of the head. While the next few moments were a semi-concious blur of waves crashing and losing my shorts while being pulled over a surfboard, I recovered lying on the beach in the centre of an applauding crowd with my genitals covered by an old lady's sun hat.

Wrapping a borrowed Spongebob Squarepants towel around my lower half, I waded back into the water in search of my shorts and was stung by a jellyfish.

Understanding science Part 2: How aircraft work.

More statements my offspring has made that make me wonder if there was a mixup in the hospital.

Vehicle number plates

"We should get the words 'Bad Boys' on our number plate. That way when people are behind us at the traffic lights, they wont mess with us. If they do, we will just lock the doors."

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Our Furniture

"We should sell everything we own and use the money to buy something nice instead.”

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Being told to take a bath

"I can't have a bath. Nobody can. I saw a spider in it yesterday so it will have to be disinfected."

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While watching Jack and the Beanstalk

"That actually seems like a good deal to me. I would much rather have magic beans than a cow. Who wouldn't?"

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Watching the movie Terminator

"He's the robot? Well that's a bit weak. He wouldn't last two seconds against a transformer."

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Shopping for school clothes

"I will need a black leather jacket. It is part of the new school uniform. I don't even want a black leather jacket but I have to do what the school says. It's the rules."

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On being told his messy bedroom looks like a brothel

"What's a brothel? Is it a kind of soup?"

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Corduroy pants for Christmas

"I hope you kept the receipt because these are going back."

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Finding an Amiga 500 in the shed and plugging it in

"It's like a computer but with big squares instead of pixels."

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Being told off for wandering off while shopping

"When I am an adult I will go for walks without telling anyone where I am. I will walk into shops and if anyone asks what I doing, I will say "just looking" and then walk back out."

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While watching the television program Glee

"Is the guy in the wheelchair acting or is he a real parallagram?"

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Being told to "go hard or go home" at the park

"I'll go home them. It's warm and has chairs."

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A girl at school named Emma

"I know that she likes me because Andrew asked Kate to ask her if she liked me and she said 'no'. If she didn't care she would have said 'he's ok'. Girls do that.”

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Explaining why he no longer likes Emma

"She doesn't get the rules of hand-ball. It's not that hard and I made her a complete list. Tornado's are 10 points, Spinners are 5 and a Benny means everyone moves right one square and is not allowed to speak until the next point. Girls huh?"

People don’t wear Spandex doing yoga. That’s Jazzercise
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Surprising as it may seem, I am not a huge fan of time spent with co-workers. Mainly because it usually means being at work and I am a huge fan of not being at work. When I do attend, I spend the whole day coming up with an excuse not to be there the next day so really it is just time that would be better spent on a hobby or something.

Occasionally, I am expected to spend time with co-workers outside of office hours. Last year, it was three days on a houseboat stuck on a sandbar. The year before that, Mike organised a camping trip to a lake he had visited when he was a child. After purchasing kayaks and tents, renting a trailer and driving for eight hours, we arrived to find the town abandoned, due to the lake drying up several years prior, so we drove back. I did get to poke a lizard with a stick though, so it was not a complete waste of time.

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From: Mike Campbell

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 9.06am

To: All Staff

Subject: Staff weekend

Kevin and I had a meeting on Friday to discuss doing one of those staff team building weekends. It's tax deductible and we can get a package deal with one near the river that looks nice with activities like yoga, canoeing, talent night, hiking and orienteering. It's a 3 hour drive so if we leave Friday lunch time, we will get there before 4pm. The plan is to lock in the 25th to the 27th of this month so can everyone check their schedules and confirm these dates with Mellissa please?

Mike

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 9.34am

To: Mike Campbell

Subject: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Mike,

Although I am usually the first to embrace any excuse for absence from the workplace, my absence usually involves a direct correlation to the absence of people I work with. Spending several hours in a vehicle to participate in activities that involve being sweaty, wet, judged and then lost together, sounds pretty much the same as a normal week in the office. Will we be paid to attend?

Also, what is the difference between hiking and orienteering?

Regards, David.

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From: Mike Campbell

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 10.04am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Staff weekend

One is where you walk around and the other is where you have a compass. The point isn't what the activities are, its that we do them together as a team. I should have known you would be the first one to complain. Everybody else had a good time last year on the houseboat.

Mike

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 11.22am

To: Mike Campbell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Mike,

When did I indicate that I had anything other than a good time aboard the houseboat last year? I am the last to complain about anything. If I were on a television game show where points were awarded for complaining, my only complaint would be participating in a show that is clearly beyond my means of winning. At the end of the show, I would thank the host and say I had a wonderful time anyway.

My favourite part was when we were stuck on a sandbar for three days. Unable to radio for help due to your hair dryer usage draining the reserve batteries, you claimed yourself captain and ordered me to swim ashore in search of a tall tree to climb with the hope of gaining mobile phone reception. It is not mutiny if the captain cannot provide sufficient evidence to support his title, and you refused to accept my title of Grand Admiral Emperor King of Everything the next day.

My second favourite part of the trip was when you drank our entire week's alcohol supply on the first afternoon, fell from the bow, and yelled at me for not diving in to rescue you. In my defence, I was wearing new shoes and did give the area a quick visual check for anything of sufficient buoyancy to cast to you. Failing that, I felt the next best thing would be the ability to later provide an accurate eye-witness account. I would have left out the bits where you screamed, "Something touched my leg" and "Not like this. Not like this."

Just this morning I was sitting here thinking, while nodding randomly to portray interest in Jodie’s dilemma regarding missing Farmville credits and watching Simon pick his nose and wipe it under his desk, that the one thing missing in my life is a greater percentage of time spent with these people.

If I take a compass with me on the hike does that mean I can skip the orienteering? This would leave me with only yoga, canoeing and talent night to avoid participating in.

Regards, David.

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From: Mike Campbell

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 11.46am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

It wasn't 3 days. It was less than an hour. What is the point of you even going this year if you are not going to participate in TEAM activities??

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 1.09pm

To: Mike Campbell

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Mike,

My point exactly. It might be interesting to see what talents the staff comes up with for talent night though. I have been working here for a year and haven't seen any. Yoga is out of the question; seeing Kevin and Simon clad in Spandex, kicking and rolling around on the floor like a couple of neon walruses engaged in a territorial dispute, is probably a breach of Occupational Health & Safety regulations.

I’m fine with canoeing though. As long as I can sit in the back and pretend to paddle only when the person in the front turns around to complain about me not paddling; it might be a nice break from avoiding activities. If it is one of those little single-person kayaks, my non-paddling will have the added benefit of failing to keep up with the group. As you all pass around a bend in the river, I will have the opportunity to roll the kayak and drown.

Also, what are the sleeping arrangements? I won't share with Simon again after the last time. I was unable to sleep due to his controlled breathing and rustling. It was around 3am before I realised why he had placed the mini hair-conditioner bottle from the hotel bathroom on his side table and what the clicking and squeezing sounds were.

I have attached a diagram indicating proposed travel, sleeping and activity arrangements. I am A, everyone else is B, and C is a lockable door. Will we be paid to attend?

Regards, David.

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From: Mike Campbell

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 1.18pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

You don't wear spandex doing yoga. You wear loose clothing. And no you don't get paid to go on a staff weekend trip. What a stupid question. Not counting food and travel, it costs us $3200 just to stay there and Mellissa has budgeted another $500 for alcohol.

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From: Mellissa Peters

Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.26pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Hey

Hi,

Are you coming to the staff weekend event on the 25th? I am booking it today.