Illicit Canvas: political romance and stand alone romance (11 page)

Chapter Fourteen

What the fuck am I doing?
 

This is not me; I can’t be that person that he will hate later on. Ethan is staring at me with so much reservation and anger that it hurts to look at him. His chest rises and falls with rapid movements. It’s all my fault.

I put on his shirt in the bathroom after I decided to get rid of the dress. It smelled awful, but his shirt barely covered my arse, and when I came back to the room Ethan just stood there frozen, staring.

“I’m sorry, Arwen. I lost control for a moment. This will never happen again.”

Yes, he is pissed off with what I did and now I feel like a complete idiot. Within a moment I slipped into another person, and desire overcame my thinking process. This connection that we share is so strong that I couldn’t help myself. The throbbing between my legs won’t go away. The drop of sweat runs down my back.

“No, you shouldn’t be sorry. I kissed you first,” I say, forcing myself to look at him again. Those amber eyes are pinning me down. My heartbeat keeps slamming into me. There has never been anyone else in my life like Ethan. He woke me up from that long dream of misery. Now every day I want to touch myself until I can get rid of that frustration, knowing that we can never be a couple.

“Why did you kiss me, Arwen?” he asks with the same alluring voice. He sounds on edge, angry and probably frustrated.

“Because I can’t take it that Colin keeps us apart. I’m not saying that we could have been in a relationship by now, but this isn’t fair. We have this connection, this strong current, and my body–”

“It’s better if you don’t say anymore. This can’t happen again. I think from now on, we should only see each other when it’s absolutely necessary.”

 
I swallow my tears. “We both know that it’s impossible. We made a deal; we are friends.”

“It doesn’t matter, Arwen. I can’t expect you to run after my dream. You have university and your own life.”

“No, Ethan. I’m sorry. I promise that I’ll never touch or look at you like I shouldn’t, but don’t cut me off. I won’t accept your help with finding the painting if you won’t accept mine.”

 
He sighs and I know that I’ve made this very difficult for both of us, but I was caught in the moment, lost in a wave of sensations that kept wrecking my soul.

 
“Arwen, you should start seeing someone else. Maybe that will help.”

His words are like a long sharp knife, pushing inside me slowly. He can’t mean that. I don’t want anyone else. I lift my eyes to look at him.

“All right, I’ll think about it, but promise me that you will let me know when you have another viewing?”

“Fine. Come on, drink your tea. It will be cold. I just need to check something.”

He leaves, probably to deal with his anger and to be away from me. Fuck, I’m stupid and inconsiderate. He is a man, so of course he’ll lose control, but I’ve crossed the line. There is so much to consider, but Colin is mature enough to understand that I want his father. I don’t want to stop seeing Ethan. Our friendship means so much to me.

There is probably going to be another woman. He won’t stay single for long. There isn’t anyone that I want to date, and I can’t stand that Ethan might choose someone else for the sake of keeping away from me.

I walk up to the table and sit down in his chair. Ethan comes back after I’m almost finished with my tea. Now I feel so embarrassed that I can’t really look him in the eye.
 

“Today we had a good lead, Arwen, but next time you will be prepared. No more surprises. I promise,” he says, suddenly back to himself again, referring to my earlier panic attack.
 

“I know. Everything was happening so fast. One moment we were looking for properties, the next I was talking about a stranger who used to be my father.”

“I shouldn’t have pressed on.”

“No, it’s not your fault. I should have handled it better.”

He nods and for a moment we sit in silence, a safe distance away from each other.

 
“Can I ask you a question, Arwen?”

Oh, here we go again. I don’t want to tell him that I was so fucked up that I spent my teenage years being involved in pointless relationships. The melancholy pushed me to do stuff that I’m not proud of.

These problems are mine, and I have to deal with them.

“That depends—what do you want to ask me about?”

“Why do you think your father left your mother and you?”

I was afraid that he might ask that. I start rubbing the nape of my neck, thinking what to say. Not the truth, of course.

“Him and Mum, I don’t think that they were good for each other. They were not a good match.”

“But he vanished, Arwen. He disappeared from your life and neither of you had heard from him. No one does that.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Ethan. I just need to find him and then close that chapter in my life.” I take a bite of a biscuit. He looks at me intensely for a while. I can’t let him see me as the real me.

 
When he switches the subject, I relax a little, but the conversation is forced and we are both thinking about other things. Twenty minutes later, Ethan drops me back to campus and I’m glad to finally be away from him.

It’s just after five when I lock myself in the room. My brain seems fuzzy and I head straight to the shower. My dress is in Ethan’s laundry basket; yet another thing that he insisted on. The afternoon with him was awkward. The confirmation that my father has been in Brussels brought all these dark emotions from the past. That kiss in Ethan’s apartment blew me away, tore my body into small damaged pieces. In the shower, I’m back to square one, imagining him making love to me in his bed. But I start shaking my head, knowing that I’m dreaming of something that can never happen. Ethan won’t allow me to get close to him again.

Maja shows up later with her backpack full of books and we have a late dinner. I don’t mention my father. It’s just better that she can’t judge how pathetic I really am, getting sick because I found out that he decided to remarry.

In the evening I put a new canvas on the easel, hoping for some sort of inspiration to come. When my mind starts to wander to the kiss and my uncomfortable past, I start painting. I have always liked creating after intense events and tonight I’m trying to recreate a landscape from a place in Saint-Malo. I went through the same process back home. I’d paint for hours, then destroy it, convincing myself that it wasn’t good enough.

This time around, I’m creating it for Ethan. I don’t know yet if I would be able to handle seeing it on the wall in his new gallery. This evening I lose myself in my new world, knowing that someone might enjoy it someday.

 
I get to bed by twelve. Over the next couple of days I work on the painting when I have some spare time later in the evenings. Ethan doesn’t call or text and I’m worried that he will continue his dream on his own, without me. On Friday night it’s been raining all day and after Maja and I come back home soaked, Colin phones. I haven’t heard from him since I didn’t show up at the party, so I assumed that he was angry with me.

I answer the phone.

“Hello, stranger, long time no see,” he says, probably to wind me up.

“Hey, Colin, how are you?”

“You have to make it up to me, Arwen. You stood me up last time pretending that you had some work to do.”

Right. I hate lying to him, and this has gone too far now. I can’t tell him that I’m seeing his own father behind his back.

“Listen, about that night. I was going–”

“Nah, I’m only messing with you, sugar, but seriously, I want to come over with your favourite bottle of wine to catch up.”

I look at my unfinished painting and bite my lip, thinking about wine. It’s time to have some fun. Next week I want to get back into the search again and I won’t have time for any socialising. Ethan will occupy my mind again.

“That sounds good. Maja is here also, so can you bring some beer? Maybe we should order some takeaway like the last time?”

“Smashing, sugar. I’ll be there in an hour.”
 

It’s sorted then, but when he hangs up I feel a little guilty that I can’t tell him about Ethan. For the next half hour I try to put some final touches on the painting that I’ve been working on. Then I change, informing Maja that Colin is on the way. She gives me a sharp look that says, “Watch it, he is still not over you.” I tell myself it’s just one evening with a few friends hanging out; there is nothing to worry about.
 

Colin shows up alone, winking at me and teasing Maja about their drunken night out. She goes red in an instant but promises me in the kitchen to get him back. I don’t get it. She is so confident around me.

 
I relax probably more than I should, drinking the red wine and listening to Colin’s jokes. Thoughts about Ethan circulate in my mind. I still want him, but I’m trying to move forward.

 
The evening stretches over a few hours. We laugh and drink. Colin drinks a lot more than usual. When I finally glance at the clock I realise that it’s just before midnight. I don’t know where the time has gone. Maja is nearly falling sleep on the sofa, holding a beer. I feel tipsy, but it’s Colin who looks slightly over the limit.

“And the other week I made a great tackle on that huge player. You should have seen. Anyway, why aren’t you coming to any of the matches?”

Football. Colin has been ranting about his team for a while and I’ve tried to listen, but after some time, my thoughts diverted back to Ethan and our naughty encounter in his apartment.

“You know, I’m busy on the weekends. I have a lot of coursework.”

We are sitting on the floor and only now I notice that he is quite close to me, his eyes staring straight at me. I swallow, wondering if he is planning to say something inappropriate or awkward.
 

“Yeah, but you’re my good friend, Arwen. I like you. I like you very much.”
 

He has definitely had a bit too much to drink because he is leaning over with that stupid smile on his face. I can smell the alcohol on his breath. When I look closely at his face and that charming smile, I can see a small resemblance to Ethan; he has his high cheekbones.
  

“Colin, I think you should ease off on the beer,” I suggest, moving away a little.
   

“Arwen, give me your hand for a second,” he asks.

I sigh, wondering if I should get up now. This won’t end well. “Colin, I don’t–”

“Shhh,” he cuts me off. “Don’t ruin the moment. Please give me your hand, sugar.” He looks seriously sad now and I feel guilty.

“All right,” I agree and place my palm on his.

“I can’t keep pretending that I’m fine with this Arwen, and I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with you.”

All of a sudden I feel like I have a brick in my stomach. Colin’s eyes are heavy and he doesn’t know what he is saying. People always say stuff that they don’t mean when alcohol is flowing. I have seen it many times.

“Colin, you've had too much to drink. I think you should go,” I say, angry with myself and him. Maybe Maja was right all along, maybe there was always more. I can’t believe that he could have fallen in love with me after such a short while.

“No,” he adds, raising his voice and gripping my hand tighter. “I do love you and if you give me another chance, we could be really happy together.”

“We really should talk about it when you’re sober,” I suggest and pull away, getting up.

It takes him a while to lift himself up and he loses his balance. “You’re right. I’m an idiot and I should be going.”

He stumbles over, moving some furniture on the way. A hot guilt settles in my stomach and I know that I shouldn’t be letting him leave. He lives quite a distance away from here.

“Colin, wait. I think you should stay over. You’re too drunk to walk home.”

There are those puppy dog eyes and he looks relieved. I maneuver him to my bedroom. Then I go back and take the bottle away from Maja. I really am a bad influence on her. She is already fast asleep and when I get back to my bedroom to check on Colin he is snoring loudly, spread-eagle on my bed.

Shaking my head in resignation, I start clearing the mess in the kitchen, finishing my glass of wine.

As I do the dishes I begin to wonder if Colin really meant what he said earlier. Does he really love me? We haven’t gotten serious or anything, but he did spent a lot of time with me during the last three weeks. I misjudged him and now I’m paying the consequences. He can’t love me, not now when I want his father. God, this is so wrong and I don’t want to think about it, but I know, eventually, someone will get hurt.

That evening I stayed at home searching through suitable properties. I flagged up a few, rubbing
 
the nape of my neck and feeling tension in my groin. I have been slacking on the gym in the past few weeks. This will change tomorrow. I’ll get up early and work out until I’m sore. Maybe physical exhaustion will help me forget about Arwen.

It’s early, just after nine, and I think that I’m being paranoid, but I can still smell her in the apartment, even after a few days. That day after our conversation with Alain, things got out of control, but I can’t deny it. I was ready to break all the rules and simply make slow and tender love to her. She injected something new into me, a passion that I never knew I had. Her body responded to mine as if it–

For God’s sake, I really have to stop thinking like a frustrated teenager. It would have never worked between us. Colin would have hated me for it.

I open the browser and stare at the Google search engine for several minutes, wondering what else I can do tonight. On Monday I’ll arrange a few more viewings. I need to have something solid, as I want to hand in my notice as soon as possible. I run my hand over my hair and type “internet dating.” I don’t believe in this kind of thing—maybe I’m old fashioned—but somehow I have to get Arwen out of my head. This won’t happen if I keep thinking about what I want to do to her.

Another woman would be a good distraction. Millions of results pop up, so I click the first few, finding a site that I like.
 

I’m bored and I want to hear her voice, but I know that I can’t see her now. She pushed me away, which means that she is much stronger than I thought.

The website takes me to the profiles. I hesitate, laughing at myself, but this is the way to move forward. Maybe I’ll find someone suitable, a woman possibly in her thirties, more appropriate for me. It takes me half an hour to set up a profile. I add my picture and a few witty details about myself and then, voila—I have a dating profile.

The site suggests a few women pretty much straight away. Several hours and half a bottle of Scotch later, I manage to send a message to two women that caught my interest. When they don’t reply, I close my laptop and head for bed. I don’t have time to overthink what I’ve done because I’m drifting fast.

In the morning I’m cursing the alcohol as I wake up with a massive headache. It’s been a while since I had Scotch. I only open it for special occasions. My plan of going to the gym is scrapped and instead I cook a large breakfast, thinking yet again about Arwen and how good it felt having her in my apartment.
 

For the rest of the morning I toy with the idea of calling her. I should really check on her. I don’t want to put too much distance between us and she was pretty sick outside Alain’s house. At twelve I pick up my phone and dial her number, not thinking about what’s right or wrong anymore.

She picks up straight away.

“Ethan, hi.”

She sounds strange, tense.

“Morning, Arwen. How are you?”

“Good; great actually. Have you had a good night?” she asks. I hear someone in the background, someone is laughing. A girl. It’s probably her roommate.

“I’m fine. I found a few more properties and I’m going to book viewings on Monday.”

Now I hear a male voice, asking her about breakfast. It’s definitely a male voice, but I can’t get paranoid. She isn’t mine.

“Hold on. Let me just get back to my room,” she says quietly. I wait for a moment, hearing the door being opened and then shut.

“Are you okay?”

There is a silence and I wonder if she has listened to me. I told her to start seeing someone else.

“Colin spent the night here,” she finally says and for a moment I wonder if I’ve heard her correctly. Did she say that my son spent the night at her place?