Authors: Ichabod Temperance
“Ha, ha! Yes! Welcome, my esteemed colleague Count Onyx’Ula! With the addition of yourself and Pol Steele, I count two more to our party, yes! One, two, three, four, five, six,
Seven members do I count of this little group, yes! My most favourite number! My luckiest, too! Ha, ha!”
“Heh,heh,heh, h-h-h-let’s be on our way, henh...”
“Yoodally, yoodally, yoo, hoo! Excuse me, Mr. Steele? I am afraid we still have just a weeee bit of a transaction to perform before you depart the gracious diggs of our humble hotel.” The dysc clerk of the Hotel GnuTerry pronounces this as he smiles at our Scottish mate. “May I have a word, sir?”
The stout little Scotsman turns an open and affable face back to the bearded clerk, “Eh, huh-whouot’s this abouots then?”
“Wel-l-l-ll, It seems that your rooms were generously paid for up front and in full by Mr. WrenneFeyldde & Co. for which the ‘Hotel GnuTerry’ is most grateful and appreciative. That is, until last night’s stay. I am afraid that we will have to ask you to compensate the hotel for this extra amount of time you have since spent in our care.”
The tiniest trace of a cloud passes over the happy features of the tweed bound scientist before his cheerfulness reapplies itself.
“Oh, ho, you’re jouost havin’ me ouon a bit, are ye’ naughtte? Ha, ha, my clerksy pal o’mine, I thinks ye’ be taeasin’ me to try and get a rise o’ me anger. Ho, ho, you fouonny mahn, ye’ knows I beh checked oout well by the eleven o’ clock prescribed houor.”
“Wel-l-l-ll, this hotel has very strict policies, you see. You
checked out by the specified time, and though you did make up the bed and actually left your room much cleaner than you found it, which was very kind but completely unnecessary, the problem lies in the fact that you have waited in our lobby this entire day awaiting your associates. As the time is now five minutes past midnight, it seems you have stayed on for an additional thirteen plus hours in our care.”
“Boot I’ve beaeen sitting right here in your lobby!”
“We-l-l-ll, the lobby is most certainly a part of our hotel, is it not?”
“You’ve been paid for three nights’ stay, ye’ chintzee briarknaughtte! Ye’ cannae charge me for bloouody sitting in ye’ darnable larby awaiting mae associates!”
“I am so sorry, Mr. Steele, but our policy is clear. This sort of thing could lead to even more flagrant transgressions of our estate.”
“Did ye’ jouost calls mae a traunsgressor?”
“Perhaps I misspoke. No, you see, we must be ever wary of allowing our premises to be open to acts of vagrancy.”
“Oh! I’m a vagrant now am I! That’s eet! I’ve stoouod ahlle I can stahnds ande I cahn’t stahnds nae moore! Awe-RAWRRRR!!!”
“Woah! Grab a leg, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn!”
“Si, Temperanci! Steele is going over the edge of the dysc. I have seen that look in the face of man before. This is the passion of Death. He means to end this hair-splitting clerk.”
“C’mon, Mr. Steele, please don’t kill this man. We’ll all chip in and pay the bill. What do ya say, pard’?”
“Nae! Arrrgh! Lemme jouost strangle him a leetle beet! Please!”
“Senor Steele, this is most unbecoming behavior for a scientist of our caliber. Please to think of your position, sir.”
“Mae poosition be’s ahtoop this flinty heeel as I cuts oout his shriveled oop prooone o’ ah hear-r-r-rt! Arrgh! Meess Ploomtartt! You’re ah nice gel. Be ah loove an’ fetch me a nice sharp knife m’dearie.”
“That might not be the most prudent course, Mr. Steele.”
“Heh,heh, Herr Steele! Please to calm yourself! The estate vill compensate you for any expenses incurred. Hennnhh...”
“Nae! I moost keell this puddle o’ haggis uppsies! Eet’s naughtte ahbooot the money! Eet’s the
o’ the thing!”
“Say, fellas, this here Pol Steele is a bit heavier and a might bit stronger than he may at first appear. Could you all give us hand with him before he kills this awful clerk?”
“Perhaps we should assist the humans, er, I should say, our esteemed guests, in the extradition of the Scotsman, Count Sezami?”
“Such mundane matters I prefer to leave to others, rather than add to my own responsibilities, but since we are in a hurry, ha, ha, let us add our assistance. I count four limbs on Mr. Steele. The American has one leg, and the Spaniard has the other leaving the Scot two free hands. One grips the dysc’s edge, while the other stretches toward the hairy, trapped, rat, cheat. I shall bear this arm that stretches out, if you, Count Onyx’Ula, will break that dysc grip.”
“Eh hem, thank you, gentlemen. WrenneFeyldde, please pay our clerk and I shall hold the door as our unhappy burden is borne out of doors.”
“Oolright, lads, I theenk I’m cooled doon now. Ye’ may sets me agrouond.”
“No tricks, sir.”
“No tricksies, Mr. Teemperahnce, I’ll behave.”
As we set the Scot on his feet a shadow knocks Pol Steele from my vision. Tempseranci is knocked to the ground by a flash of blackness and I receive a tremendously strong kick in the abdomens. A muscular black man is now knocking our erstwhile bodyguards about with impunity. Count Sezami has more fight in him than I would have given him credit for, so too Count Onyx’Ula, but they both receive incredible punches delivered with an artistic flair that collapses them both to either side of the monster that attacks us. My instincts launch me into battle without further thought.
Perhaps further thought would have been a good idea for the black skinned and black garbed man is able to catch my arm and turn my generous physique’s glorious size against me as he uses the staggering weight of my powerful muscles to throw me to the harsh mistress of the merciless sidewalk.
“We’ll nae be ‘avin’ noone o’ that! Awra!”
Pol Steele has made a good recovery from his blind-sided assault and now unleashes the fury he had held for the dysc clerk upon our attacker. The dark target nimbly makes an adjustment to one side and sinks a fist deeply into the charging madman’s stomachs.
I have just a fraction of a second to access our adversary.
I make him at six feet even or a little more. Two hundred muscular pounds are spread out upon an athlete’s body. Close fitting black clothing encompasses the panther like physique. He is wearing darkened lensed eye-wear, though it is the middle of the night, that wrap around the top part of his face.
Something in his stance and the language of his bodies movements indicate that he is eager for more combat.
With a quickness and agility that I would never have thought dwelled within him, Ichsabodi is on his feet and in two fast paces he is able to gain the inertia and momentum to propel himself up into the air granting him the airbourne ability to throw the outside edge of his boot at his opponent’s head. Sadly, his opponent is able to step back and allow Tempseranci to sail past in graceful flight to land without grace in a stack of refuse containers.
“You have the well-trained fighting moves I am thinking, Senor. I think that I should like to try my hand again with your amazing skills, amigo.”
“Happy to oblige, amigo.”
His attack is fast! However, it seems, my counter is faster as he runs into a fist that he did not expect to be there. I punch again but the elusive, ebony-hued man has spun away.
We circle each other, each man takes the measure of the other. The horrid excuse of a man, WrenneFeyldde, has shown no sign or move to become involved. I must handle this brute myself.
“You are a worthy opponent, I am thinking, Senor. I am ready to begin again when you are adequately recuperated.”
“Hey, I’m good to go. Let’s do thi...Arghuh!”
“I do apologize for so rudely poking you in the buttocks with the point of my parasol, young man, but I felt slighted for having been left out of the battle assessments. As it is, I think I have proven to be an admirable distraction for Senor MontalKahn’s attack. Oh, I see. You have already been made aware of that fact.”
Senorita Plumtartt’s distraction has allowed me to deliver several powerful blows, before taking our fearsome foe into my grasp. The man is an expert fighter, indeed, for he has rallied and now gets the better of me again. Extricating himself from my clutches, he is able to maneuver himself into a position to execute a most extraordinary of martial techniques. Grabbing my head with both hands, the warrior simultaneously leaps and pulls himself up to wrap both his legs around my head and then to throw himself backward using his momentum and leg strength to fling me by my head, tail over mane, into a very stationary post. I find this sudden stop to my flight to be most painful.
Through warbley vision, I can see his blurry silhouette moving at me. I order my limbs to protect me but they are sluggish and do not respond as I would want them to do.
“Gotcha, big boy.”
Tempseranci has leapt upon the man’s back and clings to his head. The inky intruder spins about trying to get at Ichsabodi but cannot get a good grip on the squirmy boy.
“Ye’ great awful meanie! That was an unworthy blouow I sooffered. Pol Steele, will settle ye douon m’dearie!”
The mad Scot has duplicated Temperanci’s action but from the opposite side as he leaps upon the man’s front and clings to his head. Our obsidian-hued terror is starting to resemble a three headed octopus.
The sea monster throws off his human leeches just in time to receive a hard, upward trajectory moving, blue-toed kick in the nether-regions from the plucky Miss Plumtartt.
The coal coloured combatant staggers back, clutching the place of assault. When he looks up, his teeth are bared in a grimace of pain that exposes two large fangs in the incisor positions. Our midnight marauder is very angry to have been kicked where he was. From a place of concealment on his spine, the grimacing groin-grabbing gargoyle reaches back to draw a reflective, shining, broadsword of modern manufacture.
“Let us take advantage of this juncture to withdraw our forces, gentlemen, eh hem.”
“Blast it, as none of our forces appear to be armed in any sort of fashion and these men must be presented to our Liege, we shall retreat and deal with
“Ha, ha, I count this as a good idea, Count Onyx’Ula. Let us flee!”
“Hey y’all. Let’s everybody hop on the tryke an’ I’ll get us skedaddled out of here lickety-split!”
“There bae no alternative! Everyone hurry abouord.”
“Icksibodi, allow me to reach back over the top bench to assist in evacuating the driver’s seat. Adios, my semi-comatose conductor.”
“Thanks, Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn! Hang on, y’all!”
“Awra!” “Muthuh!...” “Multiplication!” “Wild Stallions!” “Eep!” “My word!”
“Woo, wee, we’re moving right along now folks! That’s good, but this thing was not built to move at this speed! This steering control is very,
“Si, Senor Tempseranci.
This craft, with its wheel of steerage located in
the rear, is excessively sensitive to the touch in her control I am thinking. It is the good
thing we got away from that madman, for I would not want to go any faster than the
fantastic speed we are already going.”
the slightest touch
of the steering mechanism causes a most abrupt change in our direction, thus causing us to
emit these little involuntary calls of concern, eh hem?”
“Si, Senorita Plumtartt, the controls
are more than the ‘touchy’, ehhh, I want to calls them something else. Something that
conveys the danger and limited control... Oh! How about, ‘sketchy’?”
“What is this ridiculous
contraption you have gathered us in, Wrenne
“Hennnh! Eet is not my fault,
Count Onyx’Ula! Eet was that idiot
Teemperauntz’s idea to convey the elegant personage of yourself in this undig
“This cannae bae one o’ your inventions, can it, Icksy?”
“Nossir, Mr. Steele.”
“I think we have safely made our escape from our abominable assassin, my amigos.”
“My word, look there where I point with my parasol. That diabolical diablo chases us still! Running along the top of a wall with incredible agility our persistent pursuer harries us still.”
“Aye, you’re right, lassie, fae’re the fiend just stuck two fingers in his mouth tae give a sharp whistle. Mind ye, he was careful in doing so that he dae not inadvertently cause himself an injury with his monstrous fangs, don’t ye know.”
“I say, if I may now direct your attention to where I now indicate gentlemen, you will see where, almost immediately and from seemingly nowhere, a black horse has come charging out of a side street and flies up the street in pursuit of our vehicle, eh hem?”