Inconceivable (22 page)

The amnio was done, the 3-D ultrasound was complete, and the pregnancy was healthy. There was nothing else to do, no reason to communicate with Shannon until my next prenatal appointment in a month. I pledged to take the opportunity to focus on our own family. I would refocus my attention and energy on Drew, Ryan, and Mary Kate and on the search for a gestational carrier.

After sixteen years of marriage, Sean still surprised me from time to time, as he did when I brought up the idea of finding a surrogate. I thought we’d be arguing about it for the duration of this pregnancy, but I was wrong. All it took was three discussions and one canceled appointment before he agreed that we shouldn’t waste any time and that this was the only course if we wanted to give all our embryos a chance at life. We had our lawyer Mary Smith begin a search, and I started to look at the women who had posted
their biographical information on surrogacy websites. There were some afternoons when I was surfing the web for surrogates, caring for MK, and trying to manage my pregnancy symptoms and I’d just have to pause for a while to marvel at this life we were living. I wanted to get away from it. I needed some rest. I decided that as soon as we had chosen a gestational carrier I was going to get out of town. I wanted to spend some time with my mom and dad, who would be happy to take care of me, and the visit would be great for MK and the boys too.

SEAN

As I drove to pick up Carolyn for the meeting with Jennifer, the woman we thought might be the right gestational carrier, I thought about the fact that a year before I didn’t even know what a gestational carrier was. Now Carolyn and I were meeting a candidate to be
our
gestational carrier.

I resisted when Carolyn introduced this idea, but I know now that one reason for that reaction was that I didn’t understand the process. It was more, however, than lack of understanding. With everything else going on, we didn’t need another task to tackle. Slowly I embraced the idea, but only after learning more and concluding that we really had no other reasonable alternative. As I anticipated meeting Jennifer, a woman who seemed like a good candidate, I hoped the beautiful day was a good omen. The memory of the harsh and anxious winter seemed to evaporate in the seventy-degree temperatures. As we got off at the exit Carolyn’s cell phone rang. It was Jennifer.

We had agreed to meet her at a spot halfway between our home and where she lived in Indiana. Carolyn picked an exit off Interstate 69 and searched the web to find a place where we could meet. She chose a Huddle House, a setting that would add another layer to the surreal experience.

“Jennifer says the Huddle House is out of business,” Carolyn repeated. “She wants us to meet her at the Dairy Queen just down the road.”

I nodded yes.

“Sean, what’s that grimace?” Carolyn asked.

“Dairy Queen! That’s a place for post–basketball game celebrations. Now we’re going to use it to have one of the most important meetings of our lives.”

“Nothing should surprise you about this at this point,” Carolyn said. We smiled. She was right.

I pulled into the Dairy Queen parking lot and saw a neatly dressed woman with perfectly coiffed hair sitting at one of the picnic tables. Carolyn identified her instantly from the picture she’d posted on the surrogacy website. As we shook hands she stared at Carolyn, not knowing what to say about Carolyn’s pregnant belly. I am sure that at that moment she was thinking:
How fast can I end this meeting? Are these people so crazy they do not realize my services are not needed?

After exchanging handshakes and introductions, silence descended. Who was going to start?

“Well, just to get the obvious out of the way, I’m sure you noticed I am pregnant,” Carolyn began. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about this prior to now, but due to the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy, we are hesitant to put anything in writing with regards to our situation.”

Jennifer looked confused and perhaps a little regretful that she had agreed to meet with us.

Carolyn explained the mistake and that after this pregnancy she wouldn’t be able to carry any more children.

“Our embryos are still cryopreserved. We wanted to proceed as soon as we found the right person to help us,” Carolyn continued.

“Oh, how can something like that happen? I feel so horrible for you!” Jennifer said. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Well, yes
, I wanted to say.
That is why we are here today.

Jennifer explained her background and how she had decided to become a gestational carrier to help others.

“I’ve been an egg donor a few times to a fertility clinic in Indianapolis, and I’d always thought about being a carrier,” Jennifer explained. “My reproductive endocrinologist recommended me to a couple in 2006, and in December 2007 I gave birth to an eight-pound baby girl. The pregnancy was textbook, and I loved giving this couple the chance to fulfill their dream. That’s what made me want to do it again.”

I like this woman
, I thought. She seemed professional, reserved, and articulate. More than that, though, what appealed to me was her gentle nature and her genuine empathy for our predicament. She shared with us that she was a nursing student.

“Do you have any children of your own?” I asked.

“Yes, I have a daughter who is twelve,” Jennifer said.

“That’s the same age as our second son, Ryan,” Carolyn said.

“Are you married?” I asked.

“No, I’m engaged to a man I’ve been with for many years,” she said.

We talked about the legal aspects of surrogacy, and I was impressed by how much she knew. She wasn’t put off by any of the complicated arrangements we needed her to agree to. I told her that we’d transferred our embryos out of the clinic that made the mistake and to one in Atlanta. Although the embryos were a thousand miles away, if Jennifer agreed to be our surrogate, she’d fly to Atlanta for the transfer, but she’d be monitored in Indianapolis where she lived.

“We want to be part of your pregnancy,” Carolyn said. “How do you envision being involved after delivery?”

“I don’t expect anything from you after the delivery except a few pictures, and maybe you can let me know how the baby is doing once a year or so. I understand that this would be your baby.”

In my view, this was a perfect answer. She had found a calling
in life that would help bridge things for her economically. She was involved in surrogacy for the right reasons. There was a comfortable pause after she finished speaking. Jennifer had said all the things we wanted to hear, and she seemed like a lovely person.

“Well, okay then,” I said, sensing that we’d each exchanged enough information. “Let’s talk on Monday after we’ve had the weekend to think about this and to speak with your references, including the family you worked with in 2007.”

When we got back in the car, Carolyn had a huge smile on her face.

“So what did you think?” she asked me.

“I like her. A lot!”

“Me too. You know, she has such a soothing voice. That’s a voice I know would be great for the baby. The baby would feel the warmth of that voice in the womb.”

“I was surprised by how quickly she said she only wanted a few photos after the baby was born,” I said. I liked the fact that she was in a city a good distance from Toledo. It would be awkward if we were bumping into her in the mall.

“I know, but I don’t think it’s going to be that way,” Carolyn said. “I just can’t imagine taking the baby from her at the hospital without maintaining a relationship with her. If Jennifer is our carrier, we will be connected to her forever.”

“I agree!”

CAROLYN

Now that we had found a wonderful, honorable, and genuine young woman who was willing to carry our baby, I felt so happy. There were many things to arrange to make this happen, but I tackled them with joy in my heart. I called our new fertility doctor in Atlanta, who explained that there were several cumbersome FDA requirements to complete prior to getting Jennifer to a transfer. As
a result, Jennifer, Sean, and I all had to fly to Atlanta to undergo numerous medical tests. Then we had to make arrangements for Jennifer to be monitored by an Indianapolis fertility clinic, as well as arrangements for Jennifer’s second trip to Atlanta for the embryo transfer in early August. It was a lot of work, and it quickly became obvious to me, with some amusement, that the fastest way to get a woman pregnant with someone else’s baby was to do it by accident.

Fortunately, I was able to wrap up everything that needed to be done regarding our surrogacy in time to leave it all behind, get one more ultrasound, and then retreat to my parents’ home for rest and relaxation. My mom and dad live along the shores of southern Lake Michigan, and their house is something of a vacation home for us. I was ecstatic about getting away from the monotony of my day-today life at home, and I knew the kids would love spending the days playing on the beach, going fishing, and sailing the afternoons away on Papa’s boat. Though Sean had to stay back for work and I knew I would miss seeing him daily, I really needed the escape and the extra sets of hands to help me with Mary Kate.

The surrogacy and the possibility that we might soon have a baby in our family helped me redirect my emotions. The bitterness and resentment that had consumed me for the past five months were finally giving way to hope for the future. Surely Karma would circle back around and repay us. Could Shannon be right? Could this be God’s divine plan unfolding behind the scenes in a way that was meant to be? What if, through this event, my baby would be born from Jennifer and escape the dangers of a premature delivery due to the failure of my body? What if this Little Man carried to term because he didn’t have a genetic link to me, sparing him the autoimmune response I had with Ryan and MK? What if Shannon’s body would have failed this child? What if this child would have been doomed inside of her? Could it be that Shannon was actually right? That this was all “God’s plan”?

Nope. Sometimes things just happen, and it is our job to pick up
the pieces and take steps toward a better place. In order to do that I needed to stop stressing about God’s plan and worry about my own, which would have to include an improved attitude.

You are turning toward hope. That is good. What next? Where do you go from here?

I had an idea, but I still wasn’t sure I was strong enough to act on my new perspective just yet.

You are strong enough. You can do this. This is the right thing.

And without giving it any further thought, I grabbed my computer and frantically wrote a message to Shannon.

Hi Shannon,

Everything is still fine with me and the baby. I wanted to let you know that you are more than welcome to come to the ultrasound next week. As difficult as this has been for us, I think it would be okay for you to come and meet my ob/gyn and see the baby. It might take some of the mystery out of delivery day for you.

Also, as for the delivery, Sean and I are gearing up for that day with our counselor. Our plan is to have you and Paul there so that as soon as the baby is ready to be taken to the nursery, you can see/meet him outside of the operating room. I seem to remember they took my daughter and my son very quickly from the room, so it would only be a few minutes from the time of delivery to the time you would be able to meet him. We’d also like some private time to say hello and good-bye to him in the operating room.

As for the hospital stay, I think we can get a room arranged for you all to have with the baby in the maternity wing. This would only be overnight, or until they discharge him. It would, however, give you some privacy to bond with him as normally as this situation allows. Let me know if that is what you want, and we can start pulling the necessary strings to get this done.

We have been told that it is psychologically advisable to have our boys meet the baby. Just to put some concrete reason behind all of the disruption in our lives. We would most likely do this the day of delivery. After that, we will move on and let you all carry on with him without disruption from us.

Of course, all the above is subject to carrying to term. If anything should happen prematurely, we will let you know immediately. You’ll be our first phone call, I promise.

The appt. next week is on Monday at 1:10 pm. It is an ultrasound followed by a prenatal appt. with my ob. Let me know, and I will get you directions on how to get to her office.

Carolyn

I finished the message and surveyed my work while I wiped the tears from my face. It was a plan, but was I really strong enough to have Shannon at an appointment with me?

You are strong enough. This will help her.

Was it right to ask for just a moment to say “hello and good-bye” to a child we loved so much? After all, I wanted for so much more.

Perhaps they’ll understand and honor your bond with this child. Maybe they will have mercy on you and you’ll all move forward together.

I knew deep inside that inviting Shannon to be present at the next appointment was the right move. Before I could give it much more thought, I pressed Send, turned out the light, and drifted off to sleep, satisfied in my decision to move forward, hoping it was a sign of grace.

The Third Trimester

C
HAPTER
14

Reaching Out

CAROLYN

T
HE MONTH OF
J
ULY
had given me time to think. I needed to make peace with this situation, which meant making peace with Shannon. To make this turn of mind, I relied on the feedback of my friends. My closest friends, JoAnn, Linda, Tracy, and Ann, helped me reflect on how I could escape from my pity party. In addition to those women, I also had the help of an amazing group of women from around the United States and Canada.