Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (8 page)

Chapter 7 - Paxton

Seeing Vincent with Stella, I’m beginning to understand. She’s not the monster I made her out to be.
Yeah, she’s selfish, mean and sneaky as fuck, but as far as the shit she did with Vincent…she was just another tool in his box. I stare into her eyes and I know her words are true. She always loved me. She never loved him. He worked her over with his lies until she ran into his arms. I actually feel bad for the girl.

As I look at her; at her pain and at her tears, I can’t help but see Jessa. Stella is the living representation of all of Jessa’s fears where I’m concerned. I never loved Stella
like she loved me, but I made her believe that I did. She gave me everything and I gave her nothing. It hurts to look at her. It hurts to know that I hurt her that way. “I did love you, Stell,” I tell her because it’s the truth. At some point I cared about her enough to call it love – the kind of love I have for Violet, not the kind of love I have for Jessa. “But not like I should have. Not the way you loved me. You’re right. I get that now, and I’m sorry.”

“It just sucks that I gave up what we had for him,” she whispers.

I shake my head at that statement. “We didn’t have anything, Stell. Not really. I understand that now, and someday you will too,” I tell her, taking my eyes off Stella to look at Jessa, but she’s not there. My eyes start scanning the bar, but I don’t see her. “Where did Jessa go?” I ask Vi.

Vi
looks around like she’s just realizing Jessa isn’t in the booth with her. “I don’t know.”

“Shit,” I mutter. “Check the bathroom,” I tell her
, turning around to go check the bar. I scan the whole place but I can’t see her. I take out my phone and call her number but her voice mail kicks on immediately.
Shit.
I head back to meet Vi just as she’s heading out of the ladies room shaking her head, telling me she’s not in there.

“Did she leave?”
Vi asks me.

“I don’t know, I can’t find her. What the fuck?”

“Damn it, Paxton. It was that conversation you had with Stella. You need to go find her.”

“What?” I ask, confused.

“Just… ugh, when you talk to her, Pax… it’s intense. Shit. I was so caught up in your drama I didn’t even glance her way to make sure she was okay. She’s not, Pax. We have to go find her.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I ask, but she’s already turned around and heading for the door. I follow her. We head around the back of the building and when we get to the parking lot I see someone standing by my car and my body floods with relief. It’s Jessa.

“What are you doing out here?” I ask her as I approach. The parking lot is dark and I can’t make out her expression. When I’m close enough I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close to me.

“I’m sorry,” she tells me. “I just wig out when you and Stella start in with your
shit,” she tells me, like she’s trying to be reasonable, but her voice is telling me that she’s about to lose control.

“Beso, it ain’t li
ke that. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything…”

“Stop, Pax. Just… stop. I don’t even want to talk about it.”

“Yeah,” I tell her, my heart sinking with her obvious pain. “You ready to go home?”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to bring me.”

“What does that mean? I don’t have to bring you? I don’t stay where you aren’t,” I tell her, unlocking the door and pulling Jessa away from it so I can get it open. “Let’s go.”

Jessa lets out a breath, tells
Vi goodbye and then climbs into the car. I get in, then pull out of the lot. When I reach out to grab her hand, it’s not there. I look over and see her hands tucked tightly between her legs. “Jessa,” I say, waiting until she looks at me. “Please don’t go there – in that place in your head where you are thinking something’s happening that ain’t.”

She shakes her head at me with a bitter smile on her face.
“Don’t
you
fucking go there in that place in your head where you are going to tell me there is nothing going on. That I’m delusional and making shit up. What the hell are you trying to do to me?”

“Fucking awesome. You’re already there.”

“Am I? Am I there? It’s so weird because how the fuck would I get there? Maybe it was when you told her that you loved her. Or, no, it was probably the remorse on your face when you told her you didn’t get it. Or maybe how you couldn’t take your eyes off her and the way you looked at her like she was breaking your heart all over again.”

“Jesus, beso, you are so fucking dramatic. You are making something out of nothing.”

“You know what, Pax, you don’t get to make me feel like I’m crazy. Like I’m making this up. You can tell me every lie in the world in order to make me believe anything but the truth. But the truth isn’t in your words and I’m not stupid. Stop telling me you didn’t get hurt by her. That you don’t feel anything for her. That you never loved her. It’s fucked up… what you are doing to me is fucked up and I’m done.”

I pull over to the side of the road because my body is shaking with fear and anger and panic and I can’t focus. I throw the car in park and grab a hold of Jessa’s shoulders and turn her towards me. “What does that mean? You’re done? What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means that the truth is clear and I’m done listening to lies.”

“Don’t do this, Jessa. You told me. You promised me you wouldn’t take yourself away from me. You fucking told me that.”

“I told you that I would never take any of me away from you as long as you remained inside of me. As long as you never took what belonged to me and gave it to someone else. But every time you look into her eyes I can feel part of you leaving me and it fucking hurts. It’s fucking painful and I can’t handle it anymore.”

“No,” I tell
her, shaking my head. “You can’t say that shit to me. You can’t leave me. You can’t do that. Because of her. I won’t let you do that.”

She pushes at my chest, trying to get me to take my hand
s off her, but I’m not doing that. “Let go of me, Paxton,” she screams at me. “You don’t belong to me. Get your fucking hands off of me.”

“No, Jessa. You are mine. I’m the only one you get,” I tell her, gripping down harder, trying to force her onto my lap. She’s got
one foot propped on the seat and one on the dash and she’s not yielding to me. I lean into her and move my hands to her waist while she pushes her hand into my face. “Stop it, Jessa,” I tell her.

“Get your hands off me, Paxton.”

I force her onto my lap and hold her there while she wraiths and slaps at my face. “I hate you,” she tells me. I hold onto her tighter. I will never let her go. “You’re a fucking liar,” she screams and I feel her pain. I feel how badly she wants to run from me and it hurts so bad.

“Stop it, Jessa,” I mutter. I don’t want to feel this.

“You stop it. Stop doing that with her. Stop looking at her like that. I told you. I already told you how bad it hurts but you keep doing it. Get your fucking hands off me,” she screams so loudly my head is ringing. She opens my door and uses all of her strength to try and wrench her way out of my arms.

“I’m never gonna let you go. Stop this, Jess. Stop fighting with me.”

She pushes my face sideways against the headrest, her teeth bite down on my jaw. Her nails make their way to my hands and they dig in, but I will never let her go. She takes her teeth off my skin and puts her mouth on my ear. “Let me go,” she seethes.

I pull her closer
to me and separate my hands so that I have one on the base of her head. I force her eyes onto mine. “I. Will. Never. Let. You. Go. Cut this shit out. It’s me and you and there is nothing you can do about that. I will never let go.”

Out of nowhere, she rams the palm of her hand up into my nose and before I can think, both my hands are holding my face.  She jumps out of the car. I take a second to feel the blood running out of my nose but then I’m out of the car chasing after her. It doesn’t take me long
to catch her. I grab a hold of her waist and back her up into the building she’s running parallel to. I pin her against the brick and hold her arms against the building looking at her crazed eyes with my crazed eyes. I’m so pissed all I can do is breathe ragged breaths onto her mouth. “What are you doing?” I eventually ask her.

She tri
es to ram her knee between my legs so I release one of her hands to block her. “Look at me, Jessa. Look into my fucking eyes. Why are you doing this to me? I love you. Stop telling yourself that I don’t.”

“I know you love me, Pax. It’s not enough. It’s not just me and that
does not fucking work for me. You can have me, but you can only have me. You can’t give part of your heart to her. I only want all of you and all of you is not something you can give me.”

“You are so blind,” I tell her desperately. “You have no fucking idea how much I love you. How much I need you. How much you are hurting me.” I know she thinks she doesn’t want this right now, but I bring my lips to hers and I pull them into mine. She’s
not moving, she’s not reacting. I bite her and lick her and I force myself into her mouth, but she doesn’t react. I feel her leaving. I know what it feels like to not have her and the pain escapes my body and out of my eyes and I can taste the salt of her tears and my tears mingling with my frantic lips and her dead lips. “Beso, come on,” I beg her, my lips resting on hers. I kiss her and I taste her. “Don’t fucking do this to us,” I tell her before forcing myself back into her mouth. I push my body up against hers and it hurts so bad because I know it’s so right, but she’s not letting me in. I press my entire body into hers and I scream into her mouth.  She tugs hard on my hair with her free hand, but then… she kisses me back. The small movement in her lips, the way her hand relents on my hair and digs into my skull in a deliriously familiar way makes my bones weak. I kiss her until she is kissing me back. Until her tongue is willingly wrapped up with mine. Until we take over her fucked up head and she is clinging to me like I’m clinging to her. I kiss her with desperation and need and want and she kisses me back.

After a while, but not long enough, she pulls out of my mouth and pushes on my chest without the anger that was there before, and I let her. I let her push me away. “Let’s go home, Pax,” she tells me.

“Are you done? Done with this stupid mind fuck you play on yourself.”

“I don’t know, Pax. I just want to go home.”

I grab a hold of her chin and tell her, “Don’t do this to us. You know better.”

“I don’t know what I know. I hate that I love you so much.”

“Don’t, beso. Don’t hate that. It’s all we have. It’s all that matters.”

“I don’t know if it is, Pax. I can’t think anymore. Just bring me home. Just let me sleep in your arms.”

I stare into her eyes and I can’t help but feel like, even though she is asking me to bring her home, this could be the last time. I grab a hold of her hand and bring her back to the car, getting her settled on her side before getting in on mine.

The rest of the drive is silence. I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t want to fight with her. I hold her hand and run my thumb over her skin.

When we get home I can feel the blanket of discontent on top of the situation. Things aren’t right and I don’t know how to make them right.

I take her clothes off of her and lay her in bed before stripping down and joining her. Her body resting on mine is too calm. Her breaths are too even. “You told me,
Jessa, that it hurt to see me with her. I shouldn’t have even looked at her. It was stupid and I’m sorry. But she is right – I never loved her like she loved me. I never loved her like I love you. Not even close. I shouldn’t care, but I felt bad.”

“You shouldn’t care, Pax. But every time she’s in the room you
have a hard time ignoring her and not getting sucked into whatever space is created when the two of you are together.”

“There is no space created by us together,” I say as calmly as possible, already regretting having said anything at all.

“I’m tired, Pax. I’ve never been so tired,” she tells me.

I run my hand through her hair, bending down to kiss the top of her head. “I love you, beso,” I whisper.

Her body goes completely limp on top of me. Her breathing becomes heavy. I close my eyes and will her to come back to me. For all of this to go away. In my mind I turn back time and I never look at Stella, never speak a word. Not once. I don’t even start playing music again. Jessa and I have gone – left Chicago and went to California like she wanted to. We got out of here before any damage could be done. I drift off to sleep with her at the ocean, in the water, holding her, looking at her smile, feeling the heat of the sun and smelling the salt in the air.

Chapter 8 -
Jessa

I wake up in Paxton’s arms like I do every morning. His warm body is still comforting. His hands on me still feel perfect. In his arms is still the only place I want to be. But more than that I feel pain and sadness.

He couldn’t take that away with his words of reassurance. Not like he usually can. This time it stuck and it feels real. It hurts. I close my eyes again
and I see them through her words. Through the story she told me that made it clear that he changed with her too, he was trying to start a life with her too. I see his face as he looked at Stella. I see her beautiful, fragile face as she talked about him. I try to find the truth – the reason for this sadness in my body. She’s always going to be part of him. There is nothing either of us can do about that. It’s just something I have to accept. I can deal with that. But what I’m having a hard time dealing with is what they had. 

For me, I will never care about anyone like I care about Paxton. No one will affect me like he does. But for him… he’s already had this with someone. And he left her. He moved on from her. He found someone else. It wasn’t just her and it’s not just me. I don’t want to be Stella.

I feel completely fucked up. I can feel the urge to run. I can feel the painful memories from my past that are telling me to leave before I get left again. To shut this down and run. I’m terrified because I know I am capable of fucking things up permanently like I almost did once already, especially now in this city where she is so close to him.

I need to clear my head and gain perspective because I know that he loves me. That he’s not going to
leave me for her, but right now I can’t get that fear to leave me. I am so scared that if I see her again I will lose my shit again like I did last night and I will cause irrevocable damage to us. That I will do something to make him go permanently.

I think I need to leave before that happens. I think I
need to get away from her, from this environment that I can’t extract her from. Just for a few days so that I don’t do permanent damage to Paxton and myself.

I reach over to the bedside table and grab my phone, pulling up Dylan’s number.

Can I still get a ride home?
It will be good for me, for both of us, to take a week off.

Always.
I’m leaving at 12. Should I pick u up?

I’ll meet you at
ur dorm.

C u
then.

I put my phone down and take a deep breath. I push my body back, further into Paxton’s. God, I love him so much. His hand starts moving on my stomach and then he pulls me closer to him, his body wrapped tightly around mine. “Beso,” he whispers in his sleepy voice.

A tear falls from my eye and I want to let them all go. I want to cry and purge and let it all go. But I don’t. I hold them all in and wrap his hand in mine.

“Are you mine today?” he whispers into my ear.

“Always, Pax. I will always belong to you.”

“Don’t do that to me again, beso. Don’t tell me we’re done. I can’t hear those words.”

“I’m sorry.”

He kisses the back of my neck and the feeling spreads through my body. He turns me until I’m on my back and stares into my eyes before leaning in and kissing me gently. I feel his lips and it just makes the pain worse. I love him too much. I cling to him like he’s slipping away from me. He kisses me like it’s the first time – desperate and needy, sweet and painful. Just like the first time.

I pull his body on top of mine, needing him inside of me. Needing him as close as possible. He pulls out of my mouth and stares down at me with desperation in his eyes. He grabs a hold of my face and tells me through his ragged breaths, “I love you.”

“I love you,” I tell him back, my hands gripping him hard, my legs wrapped around his hips. “I need you inside of me.”

“I belong inside of you,” he rasps, as he enters me with a groan. I let out a breath of relief. Things are perfect when he is inside of me. He leans down and takes my lips in his again as his body begins to slowly thrust inside of me, running over every inch of me, turning me into liquid. His teeth pull at my lips and my hands move to his skull. I wrap myself tighter around him, pushing myself deeper until it’s painful, until his thrusts hurt. “I need you deeper, Pax,” I mumble through my breaths.

He holds onto my hips and pushes deeper inside of me. I cry out with the pain and he pulls back. “Don’t, Pax. I need you all the way inside of me.”

“I’m hurting you, Jessa,” he rasps and his voice sounds crazed.

“No, Pax. Please.”

He pushes back into me and a groan escapes his mouth and I unintentionally bite down on his lip to keep from screaming. His thrust become wider and deeper and it feels so good. Sounds escape my body. Screams and moans and cries.

I keep kissing him, I keep pulling his mouth deeper inside of my own. Every inch of my body is clamping down on him, clinging to him, trying to hold onto him. He leans into me, covering me completely and telling me words through his moans. I can’t distinguish them but they are full of pain and longing and I need him closer. With each thrust of his body I push myself into him. When his mo
uth pulls back for breath I pull him closer. When his body pushes off of mine to gain leverage I hold him closer. Right now, I cannot get close enough.

“I’m losing it, beso,” he moans.

“I’m there, Pax,” I tell him as the waves start to cover my body. “Stay close to me. Don’t leave me.”

“Fuck,” he moans pushing harder, growling with the pain that he is trying to hold onto.

I let it all go then, release my own pain with a moan until I fall into the utopia of my orgasm. Even when it’s gone, when the last shutter has left my body, I’m still crying into his mouth, desperate for more of him.

Pax moves slower and
eventually stops. “Jesus, beso,” he says, his head falling to my chest. “That was intense. What the fuck?”

I feel the same way, but I can’t speak. I feel t
he tears pressing down again but I’m not gonna cry because he will know. He will know what’s happening inside of my heart.

He lifts his head and stares down at me, his gray eyes full of intensity. His wet lips parted. “What was that?”

I reach my hand up and run it over his beautiful face. “What do you mean?”

He cocks his head and narrows his eyes. “What’s going on with you?”

“Stop, Pax. Nothing’s going on with me.”

“Don’t lie to me, kid. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Shit.
“We fought last night, Pax. It was just all of that being released. It’s okay. It’s just us, okay?”

“You’re here with me?”

“Yeah, baby. Don’t worry. I love you.”

“Forever. You’re going to love me forever.”

“Yeah, Pax. Forever.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“We’re good, Pax. Don’t be afraid.”

He closes his eyes for a moment and then pulls out of me with a low moan. He lays down on his back and wraps me up in his arm. “I don’t like this, Jessa. Something’s wrong. I need you to tell me. I need to know that we’re good.”

“I don’t know what to say to you, Pax. I love you. I’m never going to stop loving you – no matter what you do. I can’t stop loving you. I will never be able to leave you.”

“You wish that wasn’t true. You want to be able to stop loving me? You want to be able to leave me?”

“Yeah,” I admit. “When you leave me I want to be able to let you go. But I won’t. I never will.”

“You have to stop this shit now, beso. It’s not right. What you’re doing to us isn’t right.”

“I’m going to go home for the week. Back to River Bluff.”

Before I have a chance to take a breath he’s got me flipped over, my body on top of his. “What?”

“Don’t flip out, Paxton. It’s not because of what happened last night. I just… I feel bad that I haven’t been there for Natalie and you are going to be so busy all week. It just doesn’t make sense for me to stay here.”

“We already talked about this shit. I told you I would bring you home. You told me you didn’t want to go. If you are going, I’m going with you. I’m not letting you swim around in that disoriented brain of yours for a week without me. No fucking way.”

“Pax, calm down. We’re good, okay? It’s just a week. You can’t come with. You can’t get out of your show.”

“Perfect. That’s a perfect plan. Leave me knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. What the fuck, beso?”

“You can focus on the show and I can focus on clearing my head. When I come back it will be good. It will be better.”

“Nah, nah, nah
, beso. Don’t act like I’m stupid. Like I don’t know exactly what is running through that head of yours. You’re going home ‘cause you need to detach yourself and make sure that you are still capable of living without me. Of not needing me. Of moving on. When the hell are you going to accept that that’s a survival skill you no longer need? You don’t need to figure out how to live without me ‘cause that’s never going to happen.”

I shake my head at him, but he’s right. He knows me too well. He understands too much. “Stop, Pax. I know that, okay. I don’t want to live if I’m not part of you. It’s not possible. It’s just a week. I don’t want to leave you, okay, but I have to go home eventually and I’d rather it be when I don’t have to miss school and when you are going to be too busy to be with me anyway.”

“I’m coming. This is fucking stupid. I’ll figure shit out with the show – we’ll reschedule. I’m coming with you.”

“You can’t reschedule the show. It’s sold out. You signed a contract with the station. You are going to be with the guys twenty four seven anyways. You won’t even know I’m gone.”

“I won’t know you’re gone? Really? When I fall asleep and wake up without you in my arms I won’t know you’re gone? Fuck that, Jessa.”

“You can
facetime me. I’ll lay in my bed and you’ll lay in ours and we’ll fall asleep with each other, okay. It’s a week. We’ll survive.”

“How are you
gettin’ home?”

“Dylan.”

“With Dylan?” he asks, his nostrils flaring, his eyes darkening.

“Yes, Pax, with Dylan. And don’t even start. Don’t even talk about him like he matters. Not after what I’ve been going through with you. Don’t even fucking say
it.”

“So you’re driving home with your ex-boyfriend, going to spend a week in that town with him and I don’t have a say in any of it? Shut the hell up.”

“Can we not do this? Can we not fight right before I have to leave you?”

Paxton shakes his head, “Jesus, kid. You are a piece of work.” He sits up and picks me up off of him, setting me on the bed and then standing. I watch him as he goes to the dresser and pulls on his sweats before turning back to me. “This is fucked up
, Jessa,” he tells me, shaking his head and laughing before walking out of the bedroom.

My heart sinks. I really don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to sleep anywhere but in his arms. I stand up and grab my robe, putting it on before going to the bathroom to shower.

Under the hot water I let my tears flow freely. I don’t know why I’m crying. Because being with Paxton is too much. It’s too emotional. He makes me feel too much. Everything is worth crying for – the way I love him, the way I need him, the way he needs me too. The fact that it’s painful to be apart from him. It’s too much. People shouldn’t feel this much. It’s wrong.

When I feel like I can, I shut off the water and get out of the shower. When I head back to our room, Paxton is not there. I throw my hair up in a bun and put on my jeans and a tank top. I start digging through my drawer, looking for
a comfortable shirt to wear in the car – something my wardrobe is lacking. I see Paxton’s hoodie on the floor and pick it up. I’m going to miss him. I need part of him with me, so I put it on.

I grab my suitcase and start throwing enough clothes in it to get me through the week, I also grab a couple of Paxton’s t-shirts and one of his guitar pics that’s laying on the bedside table by my phone.

When I head out to the living room Paxton is on the couch, his phone in his hands. He glances up at me with a pissed off expression, but then smiles. “Something to remember me by?” he asks, looking at his sweatshirt.

I drop my suitcase and walk to him, straddling his lap and wrapping my hands around his shoulders. “I’m going to miss you, Pax. Don’t think I’m not going to. Don’t think it’s not going to be physically painful for me to be away from you.”

“Then why are you doing this, beso? I don’t want you going away from me.”

“You know why, Pax.”

“Yeah I do – because you’re fucked up. This isn’t necessary.”

“It is for me. I’ll be better when I come back to you. I haven’t been myself. I need to be myself again, okay?”

“Don’t change too much,” he whispers, his eyes full of sadness and I almost break. I almost say fuck it. But it’s true. I haven’t been myself.

“I need to see us clearly again. I need to get all this fucked up shit out of my brain, right?”