Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) (9 page)

“Just don’t let go of me.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how to hold onto you the right way. I don’t want to be this girl. I don’t want to do shit like I did last night. I don’t want to hate you and doubt you. I just want to love you right.”

“You always love me right. That’s stupid.”

“It doesn’t feel right. Worrying that you are going to leave me, that you don’t love me the way I love you doesn’t feel right.”

“‘Cause it ain’t right.”

“I know, Pax. I need to g
et myself right. I’ll be better when I come back.”

“You shouldn’t have to leave me to do that.”

“I know that, babe, but I’m messed up right now.”

He stares at me for a while and I fight to keep my tears at bay. I run my hand over his face, my thumb drags over his bottom lip and pain sears through my body. “I love you so fucking much,” I whisper, and then I can’t hold back my tears. They trickle down my face.

Paxton’s eyes become glossy and his jaw becomes tense. “Why does this feel like goodbye, huh? Why does it feel like you’re telling me goodbye?”

“I’m not, Pax. That’s not what this is. I love you so much. That’s all this is. I love you so much.”

“We can never love each other too much, you know that right?”

“Yeah,” I whisper, but I don’t believe that. I know I love him too much.

“The way you love me… I love you more,” he says with intensity in his voice.

“No, Pax,” I tell him with a sad smile. “No.”

“Yeah, beso. Don’t start telling yourself different. Don’t start telling yourself you love me more than I love you. That you need me more than I need you. ‘Cause I can’t live without you. I’m not me without you. When are you going to understand that?”

“I get it, Pax,” I tell him, leaning in to kiss his lips. I hold onto them and he clings to me. I lose myself in the kiss as our tongues run over each other’s, as our lips grip each other’s. I pull away and look into his eyes. “I have to go. Can you drive me to the dorms?”

“Yeah, beso. I’d love to bring you to your ex-boyfriend so you can go home with him.”

“Thanks,” I tell him, forcing myself to smile. I climb off his lap and he stands. He walks to our room and I don’t follow. I wait for him, my stomach tightening with knots. When he comes back out he’s wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, his keys are in his hand.

He gives me a tight smile and picks up my suitcase, heading to the door. I follow him, staring at his shoulders and his neck. His body. I need to get a hold of myself. I’m missing him already. I force my eyes away from him and stare at the steps I’m descending, and then the sidewalk, until I’m in his car.

He whips his car around, pushing too hard on the accelerator. Once he’s heading down the road he reaches out and takes my hand in his. “If I can’t handle this, if it’s too much, I’m coming there to get you.”

“Okay,” I agree. I’m not sure that I will actually be able to do this.

“You need to pick up your phone when I call. Don’t go forgetting it somewhere. I need you to pick up when I call.”

“I will,” I tell him.

“You need to remember how much I love you, beso. Don’t start thinking all kinds of fucked up thoughts.”

“I won’t, Pax. This will be good for us. I promise.”

“You’re full of shit, kid. I can’t believe I’m fucking driving you to Dylan. This is fucked up.”

“You know you don’t need to worry about him.  You know you don’t have to worry about anyone.”

“Wha
tever,” he says, shaking his head as we pull into campus.

“Stay away from her, Pax. I don’t want you around her while I’m gone.”

“She doesn’t matter, beso. You know that.”

“Please, Pax. Just stay away from her. Just while I’m gone,” I say, my voice cracking.

“I won’t go near her. I don’t want to be anywhere near her.”

“I’m sorry that I’m being so stupid. That I’m a crazy jealous bitch.”

“You’re the only one I see, beso,” he says, his voice angry. Frustrated. “Where am I going?”

“It’s that one,” I say, pointing to Dylan’s dorm.

“Jesus, kid. I can’t believe I’m fucking doing this,” he says as Dylan, standing by his car, comes into view.

Paxton pulls up next to his car but he doesn’t release my hand. “Stay here with me, Jess.”

“Don’t, Pax. Don’t do that. I don’t want to go, so don’t do that.”

He lets go of my hand, shaking his head. He gets out of the car and slams his door shut. I get out too and wait while Paxton brings my suitcase to Dylan’s car and puts it in the trunk, slamming it closed. He walks to Dylan’s side and stares down at him. “Get her home and then stay the fuck away from her. If you even look at her the wrong way I will kick your ass.”

“Jesus, relax.”

“Don’t tell me to fucking relax. I’m sending my girl off with you – the fucking pathetic asshole who’s still trying to get her to notice him. I know you’re thinking you’re going to have all these hours with her and you
’re already coming up with words you are going to say to her. You’re already wondering if you can turn this into something with her. So don’t tell me to fucking relax.”

“I’m not interested in your girl, okay,” he says, stepping out of Paxton’s space and getting in the car, shutting the door before
fliping him off.

Paxton manages to ignore him and turns his attention to me. “You know he’s going to try and talk you into something. If you even hint at the fact that you are struggli
ng with what’s going on with us he will play it up, Jessa. Don’t talk about us with him.”

“Paxton, stop. He’s nothing. He’s my ride home.”

Paxton picks me up and wraps me in his arms, I fasten my legs around his waist. “Get your shit straight and then come back to me.”

“I’m going to miss you so much,” I tell him.

“Good, I hope you’re miserable.”

“I will be,” I tell him.

“You deserve it for doing this to us. I’m going to be miserable.”

“Don’t be, Pax. Focus on your music. You’re show is going to be great. It’s going to be good. We’re going to be good.”

He kisses me long and hard and when he lets go I have a hard time doing the same thing. “Get the fuck out of here, beso. I’m pissed at you,” he whispers, setting me down on the ground.

“I love you, Pax.”

“Yeah… I love you too,” he says, walking to his car and getting inside. He slams the door and doesn’t look back before he pulls away.

Chapter 9 - Paxton

It’s seven o’clock, which means Jessa should be home. She should have called me by now. I’m trying to focus on the song that the guys and I are running through but I’m staring at my phone that’s on the coffee table in front of me and thinking about why she left. I know exactly what this is. It’s her trying to get control over a situation where she feels like she’s lost it. She’s still afraid of her feelings for me and having Stella in town is exasperating her fears. I’m wondering if this is a battle I’m ever gonna win. Will she ever believe that I will always love her, that I will never leave her? Maybe she was right. Maybe she needs to go home for a week to realize how much we need each other. I don’t fucking know. All I do know is that I already feel wrong. I literally don’t know who I am without her.

“Paxton, motherfucker, can you focus for one damn second? This is your song, we’re not gonna be able to get it right if you can’t focus for a minute.”

We plugged in the acoustics to try and mellow out the sound and even smoked a few joints to help the process along. It’s better, but it’s still not right. Partially, ‘cause I don’t have my head in the game.

“Yeah,” I tell Billy, shaking my head. Jessa couldn’t have picked a worse time to pull this shit with me. I need to be focusing right now. We only got a few days ‘till our show and all the new songs are so close but something’s still off. And if this shit is getting recorded and distributed then I want it right. I shouldn’t have signed on for this shit. I grab my phone, turn the ringer off and throw it in my open guitar case on the floor.

“I don’t know about this, Pax. It’s really fucking mellow,” Billy says. “I don’t want to go all emo, man. I really don’t. I don’t want to have to shed tears on stage.”

“You’re such a pussy, Billy. You don’t have to rock out and scream in order to make good music, get in touch with your emotions, man,” Jimmy tells him.

“Okay, fucking Hall and Oats over there on your little love seat singing about the girls you love.”

“Maybe that’s your problem. Maybe you need a woman,” Jimmy says.

“Yeah… no thanks. Louis and I are the only ones keeping it real around here. Where’s your girl anyway? Isn’t she supposed to be here, hanging off your arm?” he asks, his eyes directed at me.

“You missing her?” I ask him.

“Yeah, I kind of am. I like your girl. She’s cool. And after having that psycho Stella hanging around… I can totally appreciate Jessa.”

“She went home for the week,” I tell him, trying to play it off like I’m cool with the situation.

“Awesome. That means you’re going to be a grumpy asshole until she gets back.
Fuck
.”

“It’s fine. We’re going to be in this rank hole all week anyway. She don’t need to be around for this.”

“So what’s the plan man?” Billy asks me. “I mean, that shows five days away. Maybe we should give up on this new shit and just work on getting our old material good and shiny.” I don’t respond. I’m not really listening because, all casual like it’s a pack of fucking cigarettes, Billy took his vile of coke out of his pocket and started cutting it up while he was speaking to me. I know he and Louis are using again now that we’re playing. But he knows better than to tempt me. He takes out his stainless steel straw and sucks up a line like the expert he is. Louis is right there with him. When he sees Jimmy and I kicked back on the couch he looks at us, holding his hands up, “What the fuck? Hall and Oats don’t do blow? Come on assholes, it’s just the four of us. We’re just kicking back, man. Partake. It ain’t gonna kill you. Let’s bond.”

“Shit.
Vi’s not gonna like this,” Jimmy says as he takes the straw from Louis and hits the table.

“So you’re the pansy in the group? Shit man, you used to suck this stuff like a hoover.”

“Yeah, I did, and I don’t really want to be a fucking addict again,” I tell him, staring at the coke, wanting to snort it more than anything. Fucking Billy – shoving this shit in my face. He knows I ain’t got it in me to resist. Not on a night like tonight when I don’t want to go home and face the reality that Jessa is gone.

“We’re not gonna let you become an addict,
it’s one line.”

“Yeah,” I say, feeling the straw in my fingers, watching myself leaning into the table like I have no control. I chase the line until there is nothing left to chase, then I drop the straw and lean back against the couch. I pinch my sinuses, sucking the substance further into my head. I can feel it almost immediately. “Fuck,” I mutter because I shouldn’t have done this. I love it too much.

“See, no big deal, man,” Billy says, and I can hear him cutting more lines.

“Put that shit away now, man.”

“I got you, brother. You don’t gotta worry.”

I stay kicked back on the couch, feeling the drug taking over me. It covers me like a blanket until it’s all that matters, until everything else is invisible.  This is why I love this shit. Everything is alright when you’re high on it. Everything is euphoric. Everything is easy and possible. All that matters is who you are and what you’re doing right now.

I can hear the guys fucking around on their instruments and laughing, but all I can focus on is the energy that is searing through my body. It feels so fucking good. Jimmy starts playing a repetitive rhythm on his guitar and I focus on it. Lyrics start forming in my head. They are about Jessa. About her hair and her eyes and her mouth and her body. About the fact that she took them from me.
Fuck
. I want her now. I want my hands on her now.  It’s painful how much I want her. And she’s not fucking here. Won’t be back here for days.  “Shit,” I yell. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Hell, yeah,” Billy says, jumping up. He starts boxing the air, like he’s
Pacquiao. “Let’s go,” he says.

I get off the couch and head out of the warehouse. I take in the cool night air and I want to run. So I do. I take off down the street like an idiot
with the guys following. They’re screaming and hollering like lunatics and I laugh at their stupid asses.

We get to the end of the street and end up in a lit up parking lot. Louis starts hopping on the barriers, doing some acrobats like a
parkour motherfucker. I wish I had my board. Why don’t I have my fucking board? I wonder as I look at the parking barriers on the ground that I can feel and hear my deck scraping over. If I had my board and if I had Jessa, shit would be perfect right now.

Louis jumps on the hood of a car and then flips off it. Jimmy tells him to calm down and wrestles him to the ground. They’re rolling around like a couple of fifth graders and Billy is yelling, “Beat his ass, Jimmy.”

“Hey,” a booming yell comes from behind us. A bulky, bald, white guys comes out from the little building he was sitting in. He’s got a bat in his hand.

“Shit,” I yell, before laughing. The guys get their asses off the tar and start running with me. We climb the fence at the back of the lot. Louis gets caught up in one of the links and the three of us are on the other side, cheering him on as the guy with the bat nears.

“Fuck,” Louis yells, when the guy gets a hold of his boot. He finally pulls out of it and gets his ass over the top of the fence, falling most of the nine feet onto the ground. We pull him up and continue to run. I’m laughing the whole way. It feels good.

When we finally stop we’re knee deep in grass and surrounded by trees. “Jesus, where the hell are we?” Louis says, collapsing on the cold ground. “That motherfucker took my shoe.”

I lay down by him, looking up at the stars, feeling my heart race. “Funny how you were so agile flipping off that car, but some bald dude with a bat chases you down and you turn into an infant.”

“Dude was scary. Have you ever been beat with a bat? It fucking hurts.”

“No, man. I haven’t.”

“Seriously,” Billy says joining us on the ground. “Where the hell are we? Who knew there was a grassland oasis behind the parking lot? This shit ain’t bad.”

“Is this how it was in Minnesota? You guys just lay around on grass looking up at the stars?” Jimmy says, dreamily.

I always keep my worlds separate so I don’t talk about River Bluff with the guys but right now that don’t matter. “I had a friend there, she lived on a farm and yeah, we spent a lot of time sitting out in the grass.”

“Doing what?” Billy says with a laugh.

“Listening to music. Talking about nothing. Or talking about everything. All the weird, terrible, beautiful shit in your life. Everything’s different there. The smell. The air. The people. It’s a different world,” I tell them, closing my eyes, feeling like I’m right back there with Emily and Jason and Jessa. I can see Jessa – the sun shining down on her tan body, her hair blowing in the wind, a tiny tank top covering her tits.
Fuck
. I never even checked my phone after I turned if off. Or maybe not fuck. Maybe it will be good for that girl to worry. To realize she shouldn’t just take off on me.

Jesus,
I’m already acting like the asshole I was before she came into my life. But right now I don’t care. Right now I’m with the guys feeling free and having fun. The best part about life. The reason I love Venice and the reason I loved that farm town too. Freedom. Air. Being out in the open, not locked behind doors. “We should do this more often.”

“What? Get our shoes stolen and lay on cold, hard dirt?” Louis asks.

“Yeah. Get out of that space. Get out of all the spaces.”

“I keep telling you guys, you gotta come camping with me. Paxton’s right. You can’t just live in the city and never leave. Sometimes you gotta get away from the buildings,” Jimmy says and someone chucks something at him. “Ouch, Jesus, you assholes.”

“You guys are fucking nuts. The mellow rock. Snorting coke like amateurs. Trees. Camping. Next thing you know you guys will be forcing granola down my throat and trying to get me to go to yoga,” Billy mutters.

“No man, they’re right. This is good for us. Just the four of us, no distractions. Man, I’ll totally go camping with you, Jimmy,” Louis tells him.

“This better be the drugs talking you pussy,” Billy says. “Let’s get the fuck out of here. It’s cold and Louis only has one shoe.”

“Hold on
, man,” I tell him. Out here, in the night air, with the guys, adrenaline running through my body, my mind on high alert, I’m hearing all the songs. All the songs that are written and unwritten clicking together in my head. The sound… it’s obvious. I close my eyes and see the notes forming in front of me, the lyrics fitting into the correct slots. “We’re changing everything,” I mumble, standing up and heading back the way I came, running again

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Billy calls after me.

“The songs, the words, the tempo, the pulse-it’s all changing. Get the fuck up.”