JACK (21 page)

Rage made me tremble. “He only hurts people when they hurt him first!”

“He’s dangerous.”

“He’s not! He’s not dangerous, he’s just scared!”

“Jack, you’ve seen him. Dr. Chance didn’t have a choice but to do the surgery. He’s been treating Noah for years with no improvement.”

So he’d cut him. I kneeled in front of Noah and put my hands on his stomach. “Look at me.” He did, but it was empty. “Noah, I need you to see me. Look at me.” I picked up his hand, pushed my fingers through his. I squeezed. I squeezed so hard his knuckles popped. Nothing, no reaction.

“He’ll improve.”

I looked at Dan. “Is this like the medicines? Like before? Will he be normal again?”

His gaze shifted away and he scrubbed a hand over the top of his head. “It’s unlikely he’ll be exactly the way he was, but that’s a good thing. He won’t have the fits anymore.”

“He didn’t have fits, he was scared!”

“He could have killed you in that room. Just as easily as he shot that cop. He could have aimed that gun on you and fired. When he’s like that he sees nothing. Nothing but the fire. You have no idea the number of people he’s hurt. A dead man and another man missing an eye were too much. Dr. Chance couldn’t stand by and let it happen again. Whether you want to believe it or not, this is for the best.”

The best. Cutting out a part of Noah’s brain had been for the best. Rage shoved me to my feet.

“Jack?”

I went around Dan and into the hall.

“Jack, where are you going?”

“To do what’s for the best.” To make sure that bastard never hurt anyone else again. I didn’t know who I was in that moment. I’d never known such anger could reside inside me. I’d lied, I’d stolen, what was one more sin? This time I would make it worth it. I moved through the dayroom looking for Dr. Chance. I caught sight of him near the nurse’s desk. He was talking to the doctor I didn’t know, and laughing about something the man said.

Dan called out to me, but I didn’t really hear him. Like the roar of disjointed voices in the room, he was meaningless. Dr. Chance turned just in time to see me. At first his expression was almost arrogant, and then it was afraid. I could only imagine what I must have looked like, but I think I knew. I was consumed with the madness. The same rage that drove Noah when he saw fire.

I threw a punch, catching Dr. Chance in the jaw. All around me the patients went berserk, hooting and screaming, laughing like jackals. Dr. Chance stumbled back and it was all I needed. I lunged, wrapping my hands around his throat. I wanted to kill him, and God forgive me, because I was going to do it.

It was only a few seconds but it was enough time for him to see what I was capable of, what he’d made me into. Hands descended, yanking me back and pinning me down. I screamed, kicked, screamed again. Dan’s massive arms wrapped around me and I slammed my head back, cracking my skull against his face. He dropped me and as soon as my feet hit the ground I went after Dr. Chance again. More hands, more flashes of white. I heard them yelling but I didn’t understand what they were saying. I’d changed. I’d become one of the mindless madmen walking the halls and nothing made any sense to me anymore.

My arms were twisted back, but the pain only made me angrier, stronger, and I fought them like a wild animal, biting, spitting, kicking. I smelled mold, damp and stale air. Their footsteps made a hollow sound against the tile. They carried me down the hall to the water room and shoved me inside.

Before I could get to my feet a blast of water slapped me in the ribs, knocked me to the ground and sent me rolling. I crawled back toward the door, fighting the torrent of water. I struggled for a hold on the tile. Crimson streams were swept away as my fingernails were ripped off. I was knocked back again. The cold was as bad as the impact. It ripped the air out of my lungs as efficiently as being thrown into the wall. I turned on my side and covered my face to shield my head from the worst of the onslaught, muffling the wub-wub-wub of the water as it struck my temple. I was not going to give up. I shoved my feet against the tile and pushed myself to my knees. With my head tucked close to my chest, my shoulders took the brunt of the impact. The skin on my knees burned as I pushed myself forward.

Whoever wielded the hose was proficient. He changed the angle and knocked my legs aside. I went rolling into the corner. My will was intact but by then my body had given up. Every muscle ached, every nerve ending burned. I felt covered in ants, a million stinging bites, every droplet against my skin a point of pain.

Eventually the water stopped, but I was too tired to care.

*** *** ***

Stripped of my privileges, I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I hurt in ways I never knew possible. My skin had gone from flesh colored to a collage of blue and black marks. My knees were shredded, and my fingertips swollen.

But I refused to be sorry for what I’d done. I decided that if I had it to do over, I would have made sure to grab something sharp before going after Dr. Chance.

The injection Dr. Chance had given me made it hard to move. It dulled the pain but it also dulled my senses. I felt like I did the day I jumped off the bridge, staring up at the sky through a haze of water. Part of me wanted to stay there, drifting in limbo, not caring whether or not I took another breath. The other part wanted to fight. Fight Dr. Chance. Fight where I was. Fight against whatever was coming next.

It was the sound of thunder that forced me to come up for air. Rain slapped against my window and I thought of Noah hiding under the bed. It wasn’t easy getting to my feet, and my hands didn’t want to cooperate. They felt like lead filled balloons. I fumbled with the grate over the vent. It fell, bouncing off the head rails of the bed. The sharp ping of metal on metal rang out. I froze, listening. When there were no sounds of anyone coming to investigate, I climbed through the vent.

Halfway through, I didn’t think I was going to make it. I couldn’t seem to turn myself around to grab hold of the pipes. I twisted hard enough to pop my back and make my shoulders scream. The rest of my muscles protested in a series of sharp throbs. I got my fingers around one of the supports and kicked with my legs until I was on the other side.

I lost my balance when I tried to step down onto the head board and slid off into the floor. But not before whacking my tail bone on the bed frame. Pain shot up my spine and down my legs, cold and hot, a searing blast across my nerves. I bit my lip to keep from crying out. I had to wait a moment before I could move and when the worst of the agony receded I headed for the edge of the bed. Noah wasn’t underneath. Had they taken him away again?

In a flash of lightning I saw Noah standing in the corner. His face was upturned as he stared at the window with no expression or fear. I wanted to be happy, but the distant look in his eyes wasn’t normal. Even for someone who’d never been afraid of the thunder and lightning.

I went over to him. “Hey.” I touched his hand and it was limp. “It’s me.” He blinked twice slowly but said nothing. I pulled him over to the bed and got him to the floor. With some pushing I got him to crawl under it. I pulled the blanket and pillow down. I put the pillow under his head and covered us up.

I hoped he would recognize this place and come back from wherever it was he’d gone. Noah lay on his back and stared at the springs under the mattress. I put a hand on his chest to feel his heart beating. I needed something to convince myself he was alive.

“Noah, look at me.” When he didn’t I made him. “Please, please say something.” Even a whisper, just the smallest whisper, I’d take anything. I put my cheek on his chest and thought about all of our checker games, his drawings, and how he made me laugh. I thought of the day in the garden when he showed me the rabbits and again when he told me he saw who I was. I couldn’t lose him, I wouldn’t lose him. I wanted to bring him back from wherever he’d gone to, but I didn’t know how.

Thunder rattled the building. The gentle thump of his heart skipped, then resumed. It happened again after there was a crack of lightning. The tiniest response. I sat up and waited for another flash so I could see his eyes. He still stared, but my hand over his heart told me somewhere deep down Noah was in there.

“I’m thinking about allowing you to visit the dayroom again, and the cafeteria. Would you like that?” A week later Dr. Chance still had bruises around his neck and stitches in his lip. “Jacqueline?” His tone had changed too. There was a tinge to it. It was especially evident when he said my name. He looked at the orderly standing near the door. The man unfolded his arms as if readying himself to come to Dr. Chance’s aid.

As much as I wanted to hurt him, I stayed quiet. I had to. I didn’t want him to start giving me injections again. I needed my wits intact.

“Perhaps if you do well with trips to the dayroom we can work on the garden next.”

I counted my breaths. I needed my privileges. I felt like I was on some sort of time table. As if I didn’t do this soon, Noah would be lost to me forever. I made sure to school my expression before meeting his gaze. “I’d like that.”

He smiled and the orderly went back to his post, arms crossed.

“Good, I’m glad.”

While Dr. Chance made notes in my file, I closed my eyes and ticked off the faces of the people working today. Who smoked, who didn’t smoke. Two nurses and an orderly. Sometimes they left their lighters out on the desks in the nursing station. Most of the time they kept them in their pockets. They’d leave in groups to go out front and smoke or in one of the back rooms.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to get one of the lighters. In my mind it was easy. In reality I was sure it would be next to impossible.

Friday I got my chance.

Markus erupted. Like a simmering volcano, a Hawaiian god, he went from staring at the TV set into a screaming rage. Several patients scattered. A few were too drugged to care. He shoved the old man who wore the diaper and he went tumbling over the back of the couch.

The two nurses at the desk ran out and the orderlies descended. The door to the office pulled shut, courtesy of a spring, and automatically locked as it always did when it was closed. All the orderlies and nurses carried keys to get in and out of the office.

I’d studied the nurses and orderlies moving around the dayroom, going from the office to the garden, and out front. It was something I’d never paid attention to before. But now I had, and I knew, unlike the door, the slide window didn’t lock.

While they were busy trying to subdue Markus I pushed aside the pane of glass. A pack of cigarettes and a lighter lay next to a handbag. I reached for them but my fingers would only brush the very edge of the Marlboro box. I stood on my toes. Again, still too far away. Behind me the shouting increased and chairs crashed into the wall. I heard Markus grunt and knew they’d taken him down. I only had seconds now. I grabbed the desk calendar and yanked, knocking over a cup full of pens, and made a mad grab for the lighter.

“Jack!”

I whirled around to face Dan, keeping my hands behind my back.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” I worked to slide the lighter into my pants and not the two pens I’d grabbed along with it.

Dan held out his hand. “Hand it over.”

“What?”

“What you took off the desk.”

Did he know? If he did, he would report me to Dr. Chance and I was sure my privileges would be pulled again. “But I didn’t take anything.” The cold plastic of the lighter slid into my underwear and along my butt crack. I clutched the pens.

Dan held out one of his large hands. I noticed he had a bite mark on his thumb. It was old and not from the scuffle with Markus. I wondered who’d bitten him. “I’m not going to ask again.”

I held out one of the pens and he took it.

“The other one, too.”

I gave him the second one. “I only wanted to give Noah something to draw with.”

“You know the rules.”

“Please don’t tell Dr. Chance.” I made sure to stare at the floor.

“You stole two pens. Don’t you think that’s grounds for punishment?”

I shrugged. The movement caused the lighter to shift. Would it fall out of my pant leg? I didn’t think so. The hospital had given me panties and not boxers. For the first time I was grateful for women’s underwear.

“I’ll tell you what. You go to your room for the rest of the evening and don’t come out till morning, I’ll think about not telling Dr. Chance.”

I hoped the look on my face was sincere. “Thank you.”

He reached around me and slid the window shut. I shuffled back to my room, careful of my strides so I wouldn’t cause a gap in the underwear and lose the lighter. As soon as I got to my room I took it out and stuffed it into the hole in the mattress.

I assumed Dan had kept his word because Dr. Chance never showed up. The night shift arrived and Dan went home, leaving a few orderlies I only knew by their face. Some were like that, friendly. Others were just there to shove people around.

After lights out and all the doors had been shut, I grabbed the lighter and climbed through the vent. Noah sat on the edge of his bed staring at nothing.

I whispered his name but he didn’t respond. The swelling around his eye was less now, looking more like a black eye than an entry wound. The red had receded, leaving the white pink.

“C’mon.” I took Noah’s hand and led him over to the corner of the room. He didn’t resist when I made him sit down. I moved behind him until he was cradled between my knees. “Noah?” I had to try again before I did this. “Please talk to me.”

Still nothing. I stared at the lighter, small and green. It was hard for me to comprehend the kind of fear it could cause him. I understood the storms. They were a powerful force that could tear down houses and flatten buildings. But the lighter was insignificant in comparison.

I ran my thumb over the flint, feeling the rough surface. I spun it slowly and it made a rasping noise. I did it a second time close to Noah’s ear. He didn’t respond.

I slipped my free arm around him and pulled him back against my chest. His warmth seeped through my scrubs and into my skin. I inhaled. He still smelled sterile, as if the antiseptic they’d used had stained him. I kissed his temple and spoke close to his ear, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you but I don’t want to lose you more.”