Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow (5 page)

They went rooting through the bins and found plenty of food and supplies, but no spacesuits.

Jacob ran out of the supply room and into his bunk. He threw open the metal trunk. “Jackpot!”

He pulled out a spacesuit. It was made of a lightweight material that gave off a soft glow, and was entirely silver except for a white triangle on the chest and orange bands around the shoulders. He also found a clear helmet, orange gloves and boots, and a small gray jetpack that attached with an orange belt. “Here we go!” he said.

Dexter ran in, saw Jacob's spacesuit, and opened the other trunk. “My boots are green!”

They ran into the captain's room with Sarah, who threw open the great armoire, and said, “Oh, you gotta be kidding me.”

She pulled out her boots and showed them to Jacob and Dexter.

“What?” Jacob asked. “They're purple.”

“They're
lavender
!” she shouted. “Oh, sure, give the girl the lavender boots. I'm trading. One of you has to give me your boots.”

Jacob and Dexter ran out of the room to go put on their spacesuits.

“This is so sexist!” Sarah yelled after them.

Dexter and Jacob quickly put on their spacesuits and waited for Sarah. When she emerged from the captain's quarters wearing her spacesuit she shook her head. “Don't you think it's a little bit strange that there were spacesuits that just happened to fit us already on board this ship? In the same rooms we chose? Did someone plan this trip for us?”

Jacob ran over to the rear of the hold and found the exit button. “Yes, it's very strange. In fact, let's talk about it some more. In
outer space
.”

He pressed the button. The rear door opened with a hiss, and Jacob dove out into space.

Dexter stepped over to the edge and watched Jacob sail around, twisting and turning in loops and doing a series of awkward somersaults in zero gravity.

Sarah dove out right after Jacob, and Dexter gingerly stepped out and felt the outer space vacuum pull him away from the ship.

Jacob quickly figured out that his spacesuit and jetpack had a self-propulsion system. When he put his hands forward like he was diving into water, he zoomed forward. Every lean sent him in a different direction, and all he had to do was put his hands to his side to hit the brakes. He zoomed in a straight line away from the spaceship before doubling back in a graceful arc.

“This is pretty much the coolest thing ever,” Jacob said through the intercom.

“I would have to agree,” Sarah said after doing a perfect figure eight.

Dexter was just drifting in space by himself and not making any sudden movements. “I think I'm getting space sick.”

Jacob marveled that he was spacewalking with his favorite people from Earth, floating around and doing flips and seeing what zero gravity really felt like: kind of like swimming, only waving your arms and kicking your legs didn't get you very far.

Jacob went zooming after Sarah and gave her leg a strong shove, which sent her careening in circles. She righted course and charged straight for Jacob's stomach, slamming into him with her shoulder. “Oof,” Jacob said, doubling over.

He grabbed her by the shoulders, and Sarah and Jacob made eye contact, floating together slowly. Sarah smiled. Then she gave him a fierce head butt, helmet to helmet.

“Ow!”

“Ha-ha!”

Jacob flew away in the opposite direction.

That was when he saw the lights of the police cruiser.

T
wo policemen with bright pink skin emerged from a sleek police space cruiser striped with blue and black bars. The officers wore dark blue spacesuits that barely contained their massive bodies, and they looked as if they were pumped full of air to the bursting point. As they ushered the children back onto the man in silver's spaceship, Jacob realized he was probably in violation of a surprisingly vast array of interplanetary laws. Now that he knew there really were humans in outer space, he wondered if the planets they had destroyed had actually been inhabited. He leaned over and put his face in his hands.

The two space officers introduced themselves as Officers Bosendorfer and Erard.

“First question,” Officer Bosendorfer said, “who is responsible for this disaster?” “I—” Jacob said.

“Not you,” Officer Erard said.

Sarah and Dexter shook their heads. “You either,” Officer Erard said.

Jacob heard a pained sigh, and a sassy female voice said, “I was giving these children a perfectly good and incredibly fast tour of their star system when they decided to override my systems and managed to destroy a very nice planet and several star systems. It's been simply ghastly.”

Sarah gasped. “The spaceship can talk?”

“What did you expect?” she said.

“Why didn't you tell us?” Sarah asked.

The ship sighed again. “I am so bored right now.”

Officers Bosendorfer and Erard gave each other meaningful glances. “Children, this next question is quite serious. What rank are you in the Earther army that has been sent to destroy Astrals once and for all?”

“Generals at least, by the looks of them,” Officer Erard whispered to Officer Bosendorfer.

“We are peace-loving people,” Officer Bosendorfer said, holding up his hands. “We just want to enjoy life. We know that by age twelve most Earther children have already served in several wars, but we don't want to fight with you.”

Jacob looked at Sarah, who shook her head with her eyes wide. “What's an Astral?” Jacob asked.

Officer Bosendorfer snorted. “Young man, we are not that easily fooled. Please answer the question. Are you generals or is one of you the Earther leader?”

“Um,” Sarah said. “That whole space kapow thing was an accident! We didn't do it on purpose. This isn't a war.”

Officer Bosendorfer looked at Sarah as if she were speaking nonsense, but Officer Erard said cautiously, “Young lady, are you telling us the truth?”

“It was an accident!” Sarah shouted.

Officer Bosendorfer slumped into his chair in relief. “Oh, thank the universe. I'm too lazy to fight a war.”

Jacob turned back and looked at the Spilled Milky Way galaxy, still flashing with explosions. “What about those planets?” he asked quietly. “What did we do?”

Officers Bosendorfer and Erard turned to look at the space kapow. “Oh. Yes. While apparently it was not an act of intergalactic war, you children made quite a serious mess.”

Jacob's chest tightened as he readied himself for charges against outer space humanity.

Officers Bosendorfer and Erard nodded to each other. “And after painstaking deliberation we will let you kids off with a warning. You're very fortunate those planets were very ugly and uninhabitable. You're also lucky that Officer Erard and I have a powerful aversion to paperwork.”

“Overpowering,” Officer Erard agreed.

Jacob felt like he could breathe again.

“Now we can go home!” Dexter said.

Officer Erard tapped his head with his finger. “Now hold on there. Aren't you from Earth?” he asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“That's what I thought.” Officer Erard nodded. “You can't go home.”

“What?!” Sarah shrieked.

“Why not?” Jacob asked.

Officers Bosendorfer and Erard peered at the children as if they were quite dim. “Because you broke the universe,” Officer Bosendorfer said. He pointed out the window at the white smear across the sky. “You can't very well fly through that. That is the way to Earth.”

All the blood in Jacob's face rushed in the direction of his space boots as it dawned on him that they could be stuck in space for a very long time. He could scarcely imagine the creative, sadistic measures of grounding his mother would employ upon his return. She would take away fun things he never knew he appreciated. She might even invent fun things that had never before existed only to deny Jacob the pleasure of participating in them. He didn't even have a way of telling her they were still alive. Of course, that assumed that the space kapow didn't also . . .

“Is Earth okay?” Jacob asked quickly. “We didn't destroy that too, did we?”

Officer Erard looked at his handheld computer. “It's probably fine.”

“Probably?!” Dexter cried.

“Couldn't really say. The important thing is that no Astral colonies were destroyed.”

Dexter wiped his face with his hands and tried to use his words. “Could we . . . go . . . around the . . . uh . . . Spilled Milky Way galaxy? To make sure . . . our planet is still there?”

Officer Erard waved his hand vaguely. “Radiation.”

“That sounds bad!” Sarah shrieked.

“But don't worry,” Officer Bosendorfer said cheerfully. “These things usually clear up in a couple thousand years.”

Dexter had a sudden coughing fit.

Officer Erard's handheld device squawked to life. “Officer Bosendorfer and Officer Erard, come in. Officer Bosendorfer and Officer Erard, come in. Please respond immediately to a code brown.”

Suddenly it was Officers Bosendorfer's and Erard's turn to look pale. Officer Erard gasped for breath. “Do you . . . do you mean . . .”

“Mick Cracken is headed your way. You must give chase!”

“Mick Cracken?!” Officer Bosendorfer shuddered. His bottom lip began to quiver and he looked as if he might cry. “Do we have to?”

J
acob had read that outer space is completely silent because there's no air or water or anything else to transmit sound, just one big vacuum of nothing. That didn't apply to the insides of spaceships, of course, because they were filled with air, but still, Jacob never would have guessed that the quietest moment he would experience in outer space would have involved two space officers stunned into silence by the name Mick Cracken.