Jerk (11 page)

“
S
o
, you guys going to get married?” Brenda asked as we walked around the mall. I needed to buy things for the baby. Practically everything, and as much as Sebastian said he was going to change, it was clear that walking around every single day buying things for the baby was too much for him.

When Brenda showed up and asked if I wanted to go to the mall, put it this way: I knew he could run.  But I didn’t know he could run that fast!

“Dunno, we never talked about it.  For now our focus is going to the same college.  Getting our bachelors and being good parents.  What more could we want?”

“Your mom. It’s written all over your face.”

I sighed. She was right. I was gloomy, so everyone I met told me.  There was something missing from my life.  That was my mom.  We had never really been apart.  The whole idea of her ignoring me just made me feel sad.

Sebastian had a generous allowance, which his dad had increased by a few thousand dollars, most likely because the baby was on the way.  He hadn’t been in touch either, but Sebastian didn’t care.  It did bother me.  In a few weeks or less, Sebastian planned to go to college.  His college was still in Jersey just it was a little far, so it would have been difficult to commute each day.  No, I wanted things out in the open.  “Right now, I don’t know what Mom is doing. Where is she living? Is she going to get a divorce? We’re living in a house which basically doesn’t belong to either of us.  Sebastian will go to college in the next couple of days and I will  be all alone.” I huffed, because we only had three months left until the baby was here.

“Only three months!” I screamed and then sipped on my glass of water.  I was trying to be semi healthy.  The doctor told me I was putting on too much weight.  So much in fact that it wasn’t good for the baby.

“You need to chill, girl.  Otherwise that baby is not going to make it to three months’ time, more like two weeks’ time.” She gave me a disappointed look as she moved strands of her red hair away from her eye.  I swear she changed her hair color like crazy.  Part of me was resentful that she, Dwayne, and Sebastian were all off to college.  The one thing I thought that I would be doing this time of year.  Mom and I were going to take a beach holiday, a few days in Miami.  Thank goodness we never booked it.  I was going to help her in the salon until I was ready to go to college.  Nice and simple.  She was going to get  used to me not being around and I the same.  It was all planned, and now everything was completely different.  Absolutely everything.

I flashed her a look and she waved her finger in the air. “Don’t you dare give me that look.  We both spun the bottle. You didn’t use protection, and this is why we’re here.  It is all going to work out. One step at a time.” 

I hated her voice of reason.  I was emotional, hormonal. Who the fuck wants to listen to sensible suggestions when your whole head feels like it has been in a train wreck?  No pregnant woman.  No teenage pregnant woman for sure.

“Everything’s going to be a complete disaster. I can tell.” I waved like a madwoman as I asked the waitress for some dessert.  I needed something sweet.  I was supposed to be watching what I was eating, the doctor said my weight gain was through the roof.  I just didn’t understand the meaning of control. Don’t get me wrong, before I was pregnant, I completely watched my weight.  Now, I found it so hard. Too hard in fact.

Brenda was going to open her mouth to speak, but she didn’t as the waitress approached me and asked for our orders.

“I’d like some pie.”

I don’t know what happened to me, or where those words came from.  I never ate pie.  I hated the stuff.  Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had pie once.  The pretty brunette waitress didn’t even ask what kind of pie I wanted. She just came back and laid apple pie in front of me.

I spun my head around, wondering if the waitress from the diner near the abortion clinic was here.  How did the waitress know that I wanted apple pie?

It was almost like Brenda read my thoughts. “That’s weird.  She didn’t even ask what pie you wanted. Also, it says the special is blueberry pie.” She pointed to the specials hanging on the wall written in chalk.

I remembered the words of the other waitress. “Apple pie makes everything seem alright.” 

“Funny you should say that.  Grandma used to say that to me all the time.”  She grabbed her fork and tucked in.  Our conversation was different now.  I was calm as I thought about how good the apple pie tasted and how it was going to make everything alright.

A
cold wind
tickled my face as I poked my head out of the window.  I couldn’t move, because I was having difficulty breathing.  Brenda was preparing to go to college.  Running around her room, packing and talking about the exciting time she was going to have and the new people she would meet.  We both planned to have an adventure this time of year, yet mine was something unexpected.

“Hey,” Brenda’s mom Fiona said as she walked in.  I had hardly seen her these days.  She was always busy at work. 

“Kelly, how is your mad friend going to cope without you by her side?” Fiona had tears in her eyes as she sat on the bed.  She was wearing a red suit.  I swear that I never saw her in sweats or anything casual.  She was always dressed for the office no matter what time of day it was, even on the weekend.

“Mom, please don’t start.” Brenda sighed as she faced her and then she must have caught sight of me, because she screamed, “Kelly, what you doing?”  

I put my head back into the room.  I hadn’t realized that I was moving more and more out of the room.  It was suffocating me.  Jealously, disappointment, and every different type of emotion was coming out of me.

“Both of you don’t you dare,” Brenda said as she dragged me from the window and made me sit by her mom on her bed.  I stroked her covers. With my increased sense of smell, I could smell her delicate aroma. She pushed her black curls behind her and then waved her colored hot color painted nails in front of us.

“You are having a baby.  The most exciting experience of your life.  I will be damned if you make it out to be some crappy experience, because you are not going to college now.” She nodded slowly. “Not never. Just not now.”

I agreed with her. I was being selfish.  Sebastian was not the boy I’d thought I was having the baby with, he had changed and was acting as a man.

S
aying
goodbye to Sebastian was the hardest.  I didn’t even go with him to college, he jumped in his car, promising to be back on Friday night.

Every night we talked on Skype, not too long, but enough for me to know that he cared.  Enough to know he loved me, and I was safe in the knowledge that while he was not with us, he was studying and thinking of our future.  His dad was in the process of signing the house over to Sebastian and never coming back to the house.

Most of his dad’s stuff had been moved to the cabin that he was staying at the moment.  I got up and kissed Brenda on the lips.  A delicate kiss, like sisters would give to each other.  I loved her, and she was a true friend.  I was being selfish not thinking about what she was going through.

She hugged me with all her might and I laughed as I pulled away and said, “Hey, you’re killing us.”

“Good.” Brenda chuckled. “Maybe I am squeezing some sense into you.”

I could hear her mom sighing and thought she was crying.  I couldn’t see her, because I was too busy with my back to her trying to get Brenda to let me go.  But she wouldn’t. Her laughter was turning into silent tears as she continued to hug me so tight.

Finally, she let go of me as Fiona started making wailing like a seal.

“I can’t believe you’re going to college.” She was going to the same college as Sebastian; she’d changed colleges so she could be near me and come home weekends easily.  I knew Brenda she wouldn’t be coming home every weekend.  Especially when she would be having a good time, but I loved the thought that she would go to such great lengths, because of me.  I couldn’t believe that she gave up her first choice of studying at USC in sunny California to stay in Jersey.  Also, it meant that she wouldn’t be near Dwayne.  They were really quiet about their relationship.

Every time I brought up the name Dwayne, she changed the subject. When we went out as a foursome, as we had a few times, they were all over each other.  Dwayne and Brenda were crazy about each other.  Everyone knew it.  They loved each other and kept denying their true feelings to everyone around them.  But no one was fooled.

I knew what was going to happen when she went to college.  It would hit her: not having him around and not being able to jump in the car and see him all the time.  Would he feel the same?

Fiona jumped off the bed.  “I’ve been such a bad mom to you.  I don’t see you half the time.  Always working and now you’re going.”

I started crying and then Bob, her dad, must have seen that we were all a mess and he joined in the group hug.  He was tall so he hovered over all of us.  Squeezing us as we all reminisced about all the good times that we had in her room and all the times that we had been caught doing things we shouldn’t have been doing.  Which wasn’t often.

I
was alone
in the house.  I suppose part of me felt relieved that Tom had agreed to give us the house so that we could raise our baby.  I had to keep saying to myself that it was only Monday to Thursday, and that Friday night Sebastian would come home and stay until late Sunday evening.

I knew the real problem; it wasn’t him going or even Brenda leaving, it was that up until now I hadn’t needed any friends.  I was quite happy hanging out in the salon or with Brenda and her friends.  There was no desire to have my own crowd until now.  The idea that the only person I would have to talk to on a regular basis would be my child scared me.

I searched on the net about local groups as they had told us about at the hospital, and I put my name down for a couple of them.  By that time it  was eight, time to catch up with Seb on Skype.

“Hey you,” I said as I picked up his call.  I sighed. “Sorry I forgot the time.  I was just about to sit down and set up on the Mac.”   He shook his head; he looked tired.  The same way I was feeling right now, but loneliness was creeping in too.

“What were you up to?” he said with concern in his voice. 

“Babes, I’m okay, seriously.  I just signed up to the ante-natal women’s group and I’m going tomorrow.”

He nodded, not completely satisfied with my response because he said, “And walking? You exercising?  Seriously, Kelly, remember what the doctor said, you need to keep mobile.”  I took a deep breath as I looked into his eyes, wondering if he was a my mom in disguise or something, because they were talking the same language.

“Mom never called or anything.  Still, Seb.  This is really it.”

He shook his head. “Babes, you need to worry about the baby. Get your health back and then get your butt in college.  Your mom has time.  She’ll come around.  It’s natural.” He paused for a moment.  Motherhood and being a wife had been so much work for his mom that she’d committed suicide.  We never spoke about the note.  About what it said or what it meant.

I tried to keep the past in the past, but every so often curiosity would venture into my mind.

“So, what class did you have today?” I whispered as I sat at my desk in my room.  Sebastian had made his old room into a nursery.  He had colored it a neutral color.  So, I never knew whether it was a boy or a girl. He knew, but both Brenda and I didn’t want to know.  I did at first, but then I changed my mind. 

“Changing the subject.  Nice touch. Okay, so you don’t want to talk about exercising, and I certainly don’t want to talk about class.  Agreed.”

We talked about food, because that seemed to be my favorite subject.  It was becoming my only pastime.  The one thing that I relished at all times.  That and Sebastian, he was becoming my life, and as much as it scared me, I hoped that he wouldn’t disappoint me.  Or even worse, hurt me.  We had been here before, right before he dropped me off at the abortion clinic.  I didn’t want to be a victim of history repeating itself.  I hoped I wouldn’t be, and I promised him I was going out for a fifteen minute walk.  After we hung up, I buzzed across the street for Melissa.  Luckily she was home too, and she said that she needed someone to keep her motivated to exercise.  So, we were doing each other a favor.  I had a feeling she was saying it to make me feel better.  Either way, it worked.

“That walk really got me going, Brenda, I’m so full of energy,” I blurted down the phone.  Yep, Sebastian was my night caller and Brenda was on the phone first thing in the morning.  Crazy I know, but they were both worried, and Brenda said she had a better day knowing I was good, and Sebastian slept better if he heard my voice.

Any girl would feel like the luckiest one in the world.  Me, not really. I just want them both with me.

“I miss Dwayne,” she pouted. “Like really miss him.”

I’d been waiting for this conversation. I’d just expected it a couple of weeks ago.  Not today. I thought for one split second that I was wrong. I was slowly getting dressed to go to the baby group, but I stopped because she needed my attention.  She was probably hurting the way I’d expected her to be.  Alone and confused.

“So, have you spoken to him?” I asked her quietly, wondering if they had stayed in touch.  She hadn’t mentioned him at all.

“Not really. One time I was having lunch with Seb and he called.  He said hi.  I said hi and that was it.  It’s kind of funny in a way.”

I waited for her to continue.  Shoot, it was nearly nine.  I had to leave at ten to be there on time.   I had bought a new car, just before Seb went to college.  Something sensible and comfortable.  I wanted to point out to him that the only comfortable type of car that a heavily pregnant woman needs is one where they are in the passenger seat.

“What is?” I lost patience and asked the question. I wanted to talk to her, but it was getting clear that I needed some company.  Some pregnant, going to be mothers for the first time, people.  Seb and Brenda were great, but as my due date was getting closer, I was getting nervous about looking after the little one.

“Kelly, I need to go.”

Was she being serious?

“Oh, what was funny was Seb asked me the same thing. Bye. Love you and chat tomorrow. But earlier.”

That was Brenda for you.  She would probably be dying her hair a different color to deal with the loss that she was going through.  I knew the real reason she used to dye her hair.  Whenever she was feeling insecure, she did it, and up until she went to college, it felt like practically every week.

 I put on my sweats and headed out of the door. The first time mother’s group was an informal meeting in Starbucks where first time moms met and talked about their fears or just got to know each other.  I’d managed to partner up with moms who were exactly six months pregnant and a few years older than me. Obviously none my own age everyone appeared older and more mature I just felt like a kid.  Not a woman expecting her first child.  It would have been great to have someone my own age. As they say, something is better than nothing. 

 Just as I opened the door, there my mom stood as if she had only seen me yesterday.  Days that turned to nights and weeks of not being in contact were ignored as she hugged me in her arms.  “Oh, my baby. I am so sorry,” she cried as she hugged me.  I dropped my bag to the floor, shocked by her appearance and her behavior.

Had she not left the house and given me an ultimatum?

Had I not been trying to get in touch with her for weeks?

Why did she come back today as if nothing had happened?

There were so many questions that were going through my mind.  I couldn’t think what to say apart from, “I’m so glad you’re here.  We only have eleven weeks left.”

She cried and said, “I know, that’s why I’m here.