Jerk (7 page)

“
Y
ou really surprised me
,” Dwayne blurted out as I sat on a stool and he made a sandwich.  I hesitated to look at him. I wondered if I had disappointed him too.  I wouldn´t be surprised. I felt like a failure all around.

He continued to talk. “You managed to spend the whole year avoiding every guy that looked at you.”

 I nodded he was right. I had done that.

 “But the one guy that treated you like dirt—you gave in to him. Not just once, but a good few times.” He laughed to himself.  “Now you are paying the price.”

 He had summed it all up in a nutshell.

 There could only be one answer. “Lust.” I repeated it to get it clear in my head.

 “You lust after men.” He sighed as he sat down next to me and drank a soda.  I started to devour the sandwich, and as quick as it was placed in front of me, it was gone.  Yep, I had a heavy appetite. I didn´t know if it was the pregnancy or just nerves. 

 “I wanted the one guy that all girls dream about. You know, the moody one. The bad one. The—”

 “You mean not guys like me.” He lifted his hand up, probably insulted by what I was saying, but he took it the wrong way.

 “No, you got me all wrong.” I sighed as I jumped off the stool and followed him around the kitchen like a lapdog. “You are the one guy that every girl wants to be with, but Sebastian is just the kind of guy that you want to—”

 I felt crude wanting to say the word, but it was the only way I could describe it.

 “Fuck!” I blurted out, he avoided looking into my eyes so I quizzed him, “I´m an idiot. This is what you think?”

 He hesitated in replying to my question, taking in my features, bit by bit. I couldn´t tell Dwayne the truth. That my best friend had a big crush on him, so he was always off-limits.  I’d listened to so many girls in the hallway talk about Dwayne.

 Oh, the way he smiles.

 Oh, he´s on the basketball team and smart too.

Oh, those abs.

 Chris Hemsworth, eat your heart out.

 No, if I told him the truth, then he would have a big head. Just like Sebastian. Plus, I didn´t know him well enough to talk to him like that. I was surprised at how easy he was to talk to. Brenda had said it so many times. Even a subject like this he was still the kind of guy that you could talk to. Right now, I needed someone to talk to.  Anyone would do.

 “You´ve really shocked me.” Dwayne said as he shook his head as we walked back to the stools and he pushed another sandwich in front of me.  I promised myself this would be the last one for the night. I was eating way too much. I´d look like I was ready for delivery by the sixth month!

 I took small bites, remembering our conversation, and I said, “Why?”

 “Cause you snubbed every single guy that even looked at you.” He was pacing up and down, half laughing and waving his hands as he spoke. “You didn´t just ‘fuck’ Sebastian once, but a few times—unless he was exaggerating.”

 I shook my head in denial.

 “Then what was it? You had the fuck—why go back for more?”

 “Because for some reason some stupid thing in my brain said that Sebastian liked me.  Said that Sebastian wanted me.  Finally, it said that Sebastian was starting to fall in love with me…” I stood with my hands up in the air and tears falling down.

 Dwayne rushed over to me and said, “I´m sorry. I´m so sorry.”

A
s he comforted me
, I felt like such a fool.  I had all these thoughts in my head about the way the situation would be, without any regard for what was actually going on.  We moved to the living room.  Dwayne held my hand, and as soon as we arrived, I laughed.

“Wasn´t this the place that it all began?”

Dwayne looked at me, confused for a minute, and then he said, “It sure was…spin the bottle.”

I sat on the rug near the fireplace away from the flames. The exact same spot where I had spun the bottle.  Yep, it was where I was sitting when I was forced to spin it. 

I started to cry again. 

“Hey, what´s wrong this time?” He whispered as he sat next to me.  I couldn´t even answer him because the one thing that was missing was Sebastian, and it made me sad.  It hadn’t up until now. I had been the one having the baby. The driving force. Now, it just felt too surreal. 

“My mom said that she will look after the baby while I go to college,” I blurted out through my tears.

“That´s excellent,” he replied while continuing to soothe my back.  He made me feel relaxed and as if everything was going to be okay.

“Yes, it is.  But then I got paranoid and felt as if she wanted to take my baby.”

He nodded. “Sebastian really did a number on you.”

I agreed.

“There´s something you need to know.  You´re not the first girl—”

“What?” I interrupted. “There´s another baby out there? Or did he dumped her at the abortion clinic too?”

He sighed. “I didn´t word that correctly. There was another girl. It was a false alarm.  He never handled that well too. She was just late.”

This is when it hit home.  “Brandy Meyers.”

He nodded in agreement, as the whole incident came back to me. “She was on the track team too.” I played with my fingers, wondering if Sebastian’s grand plan was to make every girl on the track team pregnant.

“So that´s his thing—make all the girls on the track team pregnant?”

Dwayne laughed as he said, “No, that is not my point.  His mom was on the track team.  I don´t know. His mom died a few years ago, and sometimes I wonder if he ever got over it.”

I remembered the whole thing. That’s when Sebastian changed and started being cold.  He was never like that before. He used to be on the basketball team. Social. Friendly, just like Dwayne.  Then after his mom died, he became cold. The bad guy. The moody one.

Why was I so slow at times?

“To make matters worse, today was her birthday.”

“What? So he dumped me at the abortion clinic because it is his mom´s birthday?” I questioned, looking into his eyes.  They were so sympathetic.  Alive, whereas I was tired and felt the complete opposite.

My emotions had been toyed with, and I’d known we were going to the abortion clinic. But I had hardly slept the night before and couldn´t get over the change in his reaction the day after I was talking about my college plans.

Sebastian never said a thing. He just kept nodding his head and never said, “Hey, by the way, I´ve booked you an abortion at the clinic.” Nothing, that was not an excuse for him to treat me the way he did or constantly seemed to do whenever he felt a bit sad.

I had emotions and feelings, and he needed to start realizing it.  If he couldn´t, then it was clear that I didn´t want him in my life.

“He just needs time. I think in time he will see sense. What he did was wrong and I told him that.  Just give him time.”

I sympathized with Dwayne, as it felt like he was stuck in the middle of this whole mess that Sebastian and I had created.  He told me about the crazy things that Sebastian had done. Maybe to see him in a different light or maybe to convince himself that his friend wasn´t such a prick.  The fire blew fake flames, and I found comfort in sitting and talking with Dwayne, something I had never done with Sebastian.  Something I wished I was doing with Sebastian right now.

F
irst Dwayne called
Brenda and asked her to pretend that I was at her house.  She called Mom and told her that she didn´t want me driving home late, so I was going to stay at her house.  After that, she called back and I told her bits of what had happened when she left me, but not all of it. 

She vowed to come over in the morning, explaining that I was in safe hands.  Dwayne said that his parents were going on holiday again. I swear his parents had the best job in the world.  The lives of celebrities.  Well, not quite, but his dad was the producer of some top movies.  His mom just tagged along for the ride.

“I´m coming in the morning. Okay, no more shutting me out.” She huffed as she put the phone down.  Then, Dwayne took me by surprise as he led me to his bedroom. It was a typical guy´s room.  A few trophies hanging above his desk and the biggest bed that I had ever seen.  Wow, I thought Mom´s bed was big.  I was too tired for conversation, and I simply nodded as he told me I was sleeping in his bed for the night.  He could have stuck me in the guest room.  I sat at his desk and watched him change the sheets with such precision and care.  He was a true gentleman. Dwayne gave up his bed. The beautiful black throw on top of the bed and the beautiful cream sheets made me want to sleep.  I couldn´t believe it, and some part of me wished that my best friend wasn´t crazy about him.  I could do with a support like him by my side. 

“Night, Dwayne,” I whispered as he left a shirt on his bed for me to wear.

I felt a bit odd wearing one of his shirts; he saw the frown on my face and said, “Don´t worry, it´s clean.” I laughed, because that was the furthest thing from my mind.  He changed the sheets—I doubted that he was going to give me a shirt that wasn´t clean too.

“No, I´m just tired.”

“I know, I´ll leave you. Anything you want, I´m just in the room opposite, okay?” Those were his last words as he gave me a kiss on the forehead like a father would do to a child and shut the door.

I sighed as I threw my sweats on the side chair and greeted sleep with every last ounce of energy in my body.

T
he sun rose
, and I had no idea what time it was. I heard a gentle knock on the door. I straightened myself out, unsure if it was Dwayne knocking or Brenda.  Brenda had seen me naked many times.  With my small body changes, the last thing I wanted was for her to see me naked now.  I was self-conscious about my body.  Worried that everyone who saw me would know that I was pregnant.  I sighed at the idea of covering it.  It was silly, as in a few weeks everyone would know.  My stomach would be large, and soon when I stood up, I would be unable to see my feet.

 God, that is so scary!  Soon, I´ll be a mother.

 Excitement and fear took over me as I sat up and called out, “Come in,” thinking that it was either Dwayne or Brenda.  I hoped whoever it was bringing me a ham sandwich with a glass of orange juice for breakfast.  I need to get me some of that ham for home—it was delicious.  I could still taste bits of it in my mouth. I hadn’t bothered brushing my teeth before I went to bed.  I should have asked Dwayne if he had a spare toothbrush.  Maybe when he came in I would. I couldn’t leave my bed, because if it was Dwayne on the other side, then I’d have nothing covering my legs.

 I took a deep breath when I found out that I was completely wrong.  It was neither Brenda nor Dwayne, but Sebastian.

With a big smile on his face.  I was confused by the change of heart.  I couldn´t believe it. He had something behind his back as he closed the door and made his way in, and I felt as if my heart had stopped beating.  What is this? Are my eyes deceiving me? I blinked over and over again as he came closer. 

 He looked tired, as if he hadn´t slept.  I felt guilty, because I had slept well, knowing that everything was going to be okay.  The tears that I had cried after leaving the clinic had become a distant memory.  As he approached the bed, he whispered, with a red rose in his hand, “Please forgive me…”

***
S
ebastian
***

I
was wearing
my heart on my sleeve.  Kelly was not saying a word.  Sure, I didn’t deserve to have her open her arms to me.  I’d been a jerk.  God, what makes me act that way?

Angry.

Selfish.

Arrogant.

Sometimes, I looked in the mirror and thought the reflection back was nothing like what was inside of me.  I didn’t know what to fucking do.  She wasn’t saying anything. I was even smiling.  Well, my lips were curled, I think that’s smiling?

This was a fucking joke. I needed to go all out.  I bent down on my knee.  My lips curled, and I held the rose close to her, practically pushing it in her face.  Shit, she’s not blind.  Her mouth was wide open, and her hair was a mess.  She looked as sexy as hell, and the only thing I could think to say was, “Sorry.”

Kelly, please say something, anything–swear at me, cuss me, tell me to fuck off. Anything.  Her baby brown eyes made me want to kiss her cherry lips.  All the hurt and anger of the last few days were showing up in front of me.

I wanted to dig Mom up and take her place in her grave. I deserved that.  I started to do the one thing I never thought I was capable of doing.  I had only done it once before, and that was when they lowered Mom into the ground. 

Tears ripple down my cheeks, flowing like a stream.

Kelly’s shocked expression turned into one of sympathy.  She still didn’t say anything.  I couldn’t blame her.  I did the one thing I was good at doing. 

I got off my knee and left. 

All I needed to hear from her was one word.  Something that would make me stay. 

I heard silence as I paused by the door, ready to shut it. I couldn’t even turn around to look at her.  I felt so ashamed.  There was only one thing left to do: go and see my dad and her mom.  I had to face the music. The coward inside of me wanted to do it with Kelly. I needed to know that she forgave me and knew that I was with her all the way.  Now, I got the one thing I deserved, and the voice inside my head that said I was worth nothing crept back in. 

I wasn’t sure why I was chasing my mom´s ghost, when I should really just spit on it.  Tell everyone the truth about her and stop pretending that she was something she never was; the problem was, dad would never let me.

He´d have to start, beginning now.