Jesse's Soul (2) (17 page)

Jesse decided for her. Using the hand he’d been holding, he swiftly pulled her close to his chest, possessively and unyielding. Crushing her into his hold.

“Please.” He mumbled into her hair.

Barely able to breathe in the cage she was locked in, Emery nodded a second time. There was a connection between the two of them that was unexplainable.
It was that connection that told her he needed to know. It was his strength that afforded her the ability to continue retelling her nightmare. From the diagnosis, to the treatments. And each time she stated the word
cancer
, his grip on her would surge momentarily. She could feel him shudder as she recounted how scared they were and what the doctors decided. And he seemed to relax, albeit minutely, when she told him about moving in with Riley and Lauren so they could help her when it was time for her father  to leave for the season.

Emery didn’t know if he’d been around someone that
had gone through anything similar to know that she was feeding him the glossy version of the story. It wasn’t a part of her to be a complainer, and she only spoke of the highlights. Those alone seemed to be more than enough to scare the hell out of him though.

Pulling out his hold afforded her some much needed air.
She closed her eyes and stopped for a minute, mustering up another deep breath so she could tell him about Collin. Emery had already decided that he was as much of her problem as the actual cancer itself. She knew Jesse’s view on talking about past relationships and how he’d been careful of her feelings.

Emery also knew men in general didn’t like to think of women as having a past at all, as if they were all unclaimed virgins or something. Normally
, it could just be assumed that there were past sexual experiences and everyone moves on, not needing to hear the details.

But in this case, Collin had done the kind of damage that would haunt her, and unfortunately, every man that came after him. He’d caused the kind of damage that made her question everything.

“So see, I kept telling you that I’m fine. It’s just my hormones are all still messed up, and then you add in the blood pressure and anemia problems, and it just leads to the issues I still have. But we’re working on it with different meds. It’s just…some work and some don’t. It will just take time.”

Emery read the fear, the worry, the pain, and the love in his eyes. She had watched him go through emotion after emotion throughout her whole explanation. There was never pity, though. There was understanding in his light brown eyes, but not pity. The coolness and fear she felt from him before vanished, his face and his eyes back to being the warm, caring guy that cooked her breakfast that first morning, then sat and made sure she ate it. She placed her palm to his cheek, stroking his whiskers soothingly to try and reassure him.

They’d made it through half of the story. Feeling the warmth of his skin as he leaned into her hand, she felt the fear coil in her. The second half was what would hurt the most.

“I’m fine now. Except for having to have tests run every so often. I’m okay. I promise.”

It was a lie.

She didn’t know if she was
all right, and she didn’t know if everything was fine. The last few months things had been getting worse. The dizzy spells, the headaches, the fatigue—it was adding up. Her dad was all over her. After he had left for the start of the season, she had been able to ignore things. Now that he was hovering over her twenty-four hours a day, it made it impossible for her to forget her problem. Now that Jesse was added to the equation, it scared the living hell out of her.

“Em, honey.”

He pulled her back into his arms and held her. Reveling in his warmth, she felt safe for the first time. He was strong physically and she needed that some days. She needed him to just hold her so she could feel like everything really was going to be all right. After trying to tell herself that for almost two and a half years now, she had started to lose faith.

“I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that. And I want to kill that asshole Collin. I’m sorry, I know you don’t need me to act that way, but that is not how you treat anyone, let alone someone that needs you.”

“It’s really okay, Jesse.” She snuggled her head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “I’d rather find out on the front end than ten years into a marriage. It all works the way God intends.”

“That’s funny.” He sounded floored.

“What’s funny, that he left?”

“
No!
Oh, God no. What you said. That it all works the way God intends. That’s a saying I’ve heard my grandpa say a million times. It just struck me, is all, because I’ve never heard anyone else say it exactly like that.”

She could hear her own grandpa saying it again in her head. She adored that man and grinned thinking of him. “Yeah, I’ve grown up with that one, too. And a hundred others.” She smiled, feeling a tiny bit better. But she knew she had to finish the conversation and t
his was the part that she dreaded the most.

“So.” She took a shaky deep breath. “Here’s the part I wanted your promise for.”

She pulled away to look at him, wanting to read his face. Jesse couldn’t hide any emotion. She could read it all in his eyes and mouth. It sometimes flashed between layers, but she was always able to pick them apart and read them—read him.

“I like you…a lot, or I wouldn’t have told you any of this. But I can’t handle another situation like Collin. I just can’t do it.”

She took a sharp breath and cringed, swallowing hard before admitting the last piece to her puzzle. “I cannot have kids, Jesse. I can’t.” Emery gave a defeated shrug. “There’s nothing I can do to change that. It was my choice, ultimately, but for my health only. There are two things I don’t want to happen... I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, and want to be with me because you started this and you think it’s the right thing to do because you’ll hurt my feelings if you walk away. I also don’t want you to say you want to be with me because you think I need you, and then eight, ten, or twelve years down the road, you end up resenting me because I couldn’t give you children.”

She shook her head. Nerves forced her words to tumble out faster. “I just can’t do or handle either of those situations. I’d rather you be completely honest now. We can be friends, that’s okay with me. You’re a great guy
, and I love your group. I’m going to still want to hang out with you and the rest of them. We can continue to work together. I won’t make it weird, I promise. I won’t have any hard feelings. It’s just—”

He cupped her face in his hands and cut her off with a kiss so sweet her eyes welled with tears. More than two years’ worth of unshed tears spilled out. He continued to kiss her softly until she finally opened enough for him to sweep his tongue lightly over the tip of hers. He gripped her face tighter, her tears running over his hands and to her chin, then deepened the kiss. There was more emotion in that one kiss than she’d ever felt with another man before. More electricity, more connection than she’d ever experienced. She didn’t want him to stop.

She just wasn’t sure if this was a kiss he needed to give her to make her feel better—or if it was a kiss to say…
goodbye
.

He slowed down, pressing one last soft kiss to her lips. “Em.”

She couldn’t help it, between the tenderness he was showing her and his slight southern accent, her tears came even faster.

“Oh, honey, don’t cry.” He wiped away tear after tear, but they just kept coming.

“Em, it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere. But…”

Oh God.

But
.
One of the worst words in the dictionary. A single three letter word that had her feeling like she was going to throw up at any moment.

She braced herself, completely terrified of what he was going to say. She was beyond keeping her face neutral or even smiling. The panic was there. She felt it and she couldn’t hide it. She hadn’t wanted to fall for him. He wasn’t in the plan. She had tried to stop it, tried to keep things between them professional. But, damn it, he wouldn’t listen. And as hard as she fought him, she realized it was too late. She was completely in love with him. Now she was absolutely petrified it was going to be like Collin all over again.

“Look at me.” He brought her chin up with his finger. “Em, I don’t want to be just friends. Can you give me a chance? Please?”

Her world stood still for a moment in time. Everything froze around her. All she heard was the pounding of her heart. After several long moments, she swallowed hard, pushing the knot in her throat back down. “But Jesse…
children
?”

“I knew the minute you said hysterectomy what it meant
, honey. I want to be with you. I want to see if we have something and can make it work. If we can’t, I promise you it will have nothing to do with children.” He gave a tiny smile of encouragement. “If we can’t, it will be because you want to kill me or I’m a slob or something totally me. I would never, ever use that against you or resent you because of it. I like kids, they’re great. If you want to adopt someday, that’s fine. But I want to be with you because of
you
. There are so many things I love about you. Can you give me a chance to show you?”

He smiled sweetly at her, brought her knuckles to his mouth, and brushed his lips over them. “I know you’re scared. After what Collin did to you, I can’t believe I’m even able to get this close to you. Everything makes complete sense now.”

He leaned in again and softly touched his lips to hers. “But I’m not Collin. I will never do that to you, I promise.”

Her tears started to taper off and the start of a relieved smile hinted at her mouth as she absorbed his words.

“Jesse,” she whispered, not even knowing what to say to his response.

She had been prepared for pity, for him to not care, and even for him to want nothing more to do with her. But, she had never once, for even a minute, let herself believe in the good outcomes. Her head was spinning and half of her was scared to death she was dreaming.

“Please, Em. I know you’re terrified, but can you please give me a chance to make you happy again.”

Emery saw the hopefulness in his eyes, heard the reassurance in his words, but this wasn’t playing out like the various scenes had in her head. Shock kept her quiet. Good old Jesse and his patience waited her out. He was letting her process it all in her own time, without rushing her. Letting her eyes drift closed, it was the warmth and strength of the hand holding hers that she concentrated on. He was there. Kissing her hand, holding her, wiping away the tears that had started rolling down her cheeks all over again, whispering soft words of encouragement—he was there.

“You’ve already done that,” she whispered.

Opening her eyes, she saw the happiness wash over his face, along with what could be relief. The familiar crinkles formed around h
is sparkling golden-brown eyes.

“Is that a yes?”

Happy, but still reserved she nodded.

“Come here.” He pulled her to him tightly, tucking his face into her neck. He began to kiss her skin there, softly at first.

Emery hadn’t kissed another man since Collin left her lying broken-hearted in a hospital bed two years ago. She was attracted to Jesse from the moment her dad introduced them. But to have told him about her medical issues and have him still want her was more than she could have ever prayed for. Now she was suddenly feeling something she had buried two years ago, but even more intense this time because of the man who was kissing her. Her breath caught when he began to trace her neck with his tongue. She let her head fall to the side and felt his whiskers brushing her skin. The visual she’d kept to herself for times when she was overwhelmed and needed an escape was coming true. It felt so good, so right. She couldn’t help the whimper that drifted from her.

She hadn’t allowed herself to think about this, about being with another man, hadn’t wanted another man—until now. The hesitations she had moments ago were wiped away with a touch of his tongue against her bottom lip.

Jesse gently shifted her to lie down on the couch, then dropped sweet kisses on her forehead, cheeks, and the tip of her nose until finally he met her lips again. He’d been bracing himself above her, but Emery needed more. His face was in her hands, her thumbs stroking the five o’clock shadow she’d been longing to touch for weeks. Tentatively, she slid one hand around his back and pulled him to her, wanting him to lie down beside her. Feeling the strength and warmth of the man next to her, Emery let herself melt against him.

She laid her palm against his chest and felt the pounding of his heart beneath her hand. Emery knew she wasn’t the only one on fire. If he’d been trying to play coy, the erection pressing into her hip gave him away.

A thousand and one thoughts, fears, and emotions swirled through her. The only one that won out was need.

It was a bold move on her part, but he’d ignited a fire and she yearned for more. Her eyes were still closed, his lips still on hers, his tongue still claiming her. With timid fingers, she slowly slid her hand down from his chest to the hem of his t-shirt, briefly pausing. His kiss deepened instantly, urging her to continue. At the first contact of her hand against his skin, he flinched, but the palm he had cradling her neck tightened its grip.