Joy Comes in the Morning (21 page)

Before I could even react, I heard a rustling sound in the bushes. I turned away from Seger to follow the noise. The air was humid and smelled of wet grass. Then I heard that strong familiar voice.

“Alex,” Joshua said.

I jumped to face the unexpected. “Joshua?”

“Yes, it's me. I'm here. Will you come with me to talk, please?” Joshua looked directly into my eyes.

I was so surprised to see him standing there in his caramel tallness with his low-cut hair and smooth shaven face. He smelled of cologne, and although I couldn't name the brand, it was raw and masculine. His brown eyes were piercing, and they drew me into his web.

“Yes, we can talk.” Then I turned to Seger to make the obligatory introduction. Seger, this is Mr. Joshua Bennings from the United States. He's a deacon at Brooklyn Missionary Chapel. Joshua, this is Seger Abasi. He's a missionary here.”

“It's good to meet you, sir,” Seger said.

“Right,” Joshua looked Seger up and down.

“Seger, thanks for everything, but I'll see you tomorrow.” I signaled that it was all right for him to leave.

“Are you sure?” Seger looked concerned.

I nodded my head. “Yes, I'm sure.” Seger said goodnight and walked on ahead of us. My mind raced with thoughts of why Joshua was here. Then Joshua and I continued the lonely walk down the hillside and stopped near the guesthouse.

“How did you find me?” I asked.

“Dr. Harding gave me all the information I needed.”

“Of course.” I didn't dare look into his eyes. “So what brings you to Kenya, Joshua?”

“I missed you.” Joshua reached up and touched my face.

“You missed me?” I tried to be cold as ice, but with the warmth of hishands, my resolve was melting.

“Yes, badly. I made a big mistake.”

“A mistake?”

“Yes. I shouldn't have given you up.” Joshua took my hand. “I'm sorry.”

I looked at my hand in his. “I'm sorry too.”

“What has been going on with you? It has been really bad not knowing—”

“Well, a lot has happened in the weeks since we've been apart.” I wanted to be totally honest, no matter what.

“First of all, what about that guy I saw you with at the church?”

“Ahmad.”

“Do you love him?”

“No, of course not. He's just a guy from my awful past. He just showed up somehow.”

“Yes, unfortunately my mother had something to do with that.”

I wasn't surprised. “What?”

“I'm sorry, but she was involved with that dude showing up.”

“Really? How did—” That woman never liked me.

“Look, we'll talk about her later. I want to talk about you now.”

“Well, I know you heard everything I said. I mean there I was unprepared and spilling all of my business to the masses.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

“So you know my issue.” I began to fumble with my shoes.

“Yeah.”

“And you also know that I haven't been happy with my whole life. I've been as paralyzed as my sister is.”

“Okay.”

“Stagnant. I've wanted to teach for a long time, but it took me going halfway across the world, here to the Motherland, to accept that.” Overcome with emotion, I buried my face in my hands. “I wasn't willing to go forward and do what it takes . . . until now.”

“So?”

“I'm a different person now. I'm going back to school. I want to make a difference in the lives of children. And I'm also going to work with young ladies, teaching them to love themselves as God loves them. In fact, I'm going to adopt a child from Africa one day. I decided that just yesterday.”

“I see. It seems like you've done a lot of growing since you've been here.”

“I have. There is so much I know God wants me to do.”

“I'm happy for you,” Joshua said.

“I've always wanted this. It's just that I had been carrying the burden of . . .” My words trailed off.

“The abortion?”

“Yes, and it had been giving me nightmares.”

“Nightmares?”

“Yes, they'd calmed down for a few years, but when we got together and you started bringing up motherhood and Lilah, they came back. I thought I was over it, had buried it, but it came back to haunt me.”

“Why didn't you tell me? I mean, this thing you did was so long ago.”

“Ten and a half years ago, to be exact. I was scared and blind.” I wiped the tears that had emerged. “I didn't want to lose you.”

“I've got to admit I was shocked when I heard you confess everything at church, but it all makes sense now; your commitment to Michelle, your reluctance with Lilah, everything.” Joshua's eyes pleaded for forgiveness. “I'm sorry I didn't understand.”

“I didn't expect you to understand. I didn't even understand it myself. And to be honest, I don't think you were ready, until now, to hear it. But now that you know about it, I've got to tell you everything.” I sat down on a rock.

“You don't have to—”

“Yes, I do. It's important, and it could affect our future, now that I think you might want one with me.”

Joshua sat on the ground. “All right then, go on.”

“I never told you much about my college sweetheart, Ahmad, because it hurt too much. We broke up right before my junior year.”

“Right.”

“I was so sure he was the one. We had dated for the entire sophomore year, and I thought I was going to marry him. In fact we even planned to work together and everything. I thought he was going to be my husband, not that he was even marriage material. But in the romanticism of my young mind, I made just one compromise and that mistake cost me everything. I became pregnant, he ran off to California to become an actor, and the rest is history.” I looked up into Joshua's brown eyes.

“You don't have to—”

“Yes, I do.” I paused, and then continued. “I snuck down to one of those inner city clinics, and before I knew it they had me up on a table and in stirrups. I waited for him. He was supposed to meet me, but I never heard from him again. Without even knowing, I had let them kill two babies.”

“Two babies?”

“Twins. I didn't know I was carrying twins until it was too late. Anyway what's done is done.” I sighed and looked down at the ground.

“What did your family say?”

“No one ever knew, only Taylor. She was the only one who was there for me. But she was taking her personal trainer exam that day so I never even told her I was going. She never knew until it was over.”

“That was a lot to go through by yourself.”

I looked into Joshua's eyes and knew he was a good man. Mom had always told us to find a good man. “And when you find him,” she'd say, “marry him.” She believed in keeping it simple and keeping it holy.

“I thought I was saving my life, my reputation, my career. I didn't know at the time that I was destroying a life. Theirs and mine.”

“So that is what the nightmares have been about?”

“Every last one of them. I've had to live with myself ever since. That's why I couldn't teach. I couldn't work around kids, not after what I had done. Every time I'd look into one's eyes, I'd see my babies. My twins. I'd hear them crying, and I could never turn it off.”

Joshua put his arms around me. “You should've told me sooner. We could've had this resolved.”

“I couldn't. I felt like I had done the worst thing in the world until I had to speak for Michelle. It was like I was also speaking for myself or at least like the Holy Spirit was speaking through me.”

“That's the past. You've already repented, so God has already forgiven you and cleansed you from all unrighteousness. He did that the day you got born again, remember?”

“I know, but I've only recently come to accept His forgiveness for that particular thing. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before.”

“I understand. We've all done things before we knew Christ that we're ashamed of. We regret it, but we can't take it back. God wipes it out, and we keep on going in Jesus' name.”

“Amen.”

“I have a confession to make,” Joshua said.

“What is it?”

“I felt paralyzed too. Pastor Martin helped me to see that.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, I've been in counseling since you've been gone.”

“How were you paralyzed?”

“I wanted to marry you ever since the first week I met you. I knew you were special when I joined your church and saw you on the praise team, but I . . .” Joshua stood up. “I just couldn't find the courage, even when we were engaged, to open up to you.”

“What could you possibly be afraid of?”

“Of losing you like I lost Delilah.”

“I know that feeling of loss. It's hard.”

“Yes, it is.”

I picked up a stick and started writing in the dirt. “What about Yvonne?”

“Are you kidding? She never was anything at all. Just an innocent distraction.”

“Innocent? I don't know about that.”

“I'm sorry it didn't seem that way, but I never had any interest in Yvonne.

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way what she had in mind for me. I should've listened to you.” Joshua took the stick out of my hand and threw it. Then he took my hands in his.

“Oh, really?”

“Yep. Don't worry; I put her in her place.”

I gently pulled my hands out of his. “But she was always there, always around. You let her be around. At first it didn't bother me too much, but after awhile, it was threatening.”

“It was my fault. I should've cut it from the jump.”

Little hot tamale Yvonne, always following Joshua around like a little puppy dog on the pretense of church business. It was ministry all right, the ministry of how Miss becomes a Mrs. No, I didn't think so. And then she was so bold that she tried to steal Joshua right up under my nose. Yeah right; like I was going to sit back and let that happen. That girl had so many tricks up her sleeve, but not one I didn't recognize. The only reason she was able to get as far as she did was because I was so busy covering up my own mess, I didn't even realize I was out of the game.“When you broke up with me I thought my whole life was over, but through the blood of Jesus, I'm more than a conqueror,” I said.

“You're a strong woman. I want to be as strong as you,” Joshua said.

“When God heals your heart, you'll know you're strong,” I said. “When the time is right, you'll know you're strong.”

Joshua took my hands. “But that time is now.”

“What?”

“I've been praying for courage for a long time. Like you, I've been trying to help people when I couldn't help myself.” Joshua squeezed my hands as he gazed into my eyes.

Apprehensive, I pulled my hands away. “But what's different now?”

“Now I've been delivered from fear. I had to do a lot of praying, souls searching, and counseling, but I know exactly what I want in my future.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very sure, and I bind up any hindrances in the mighty name of Jesus.” Joshua held one hand up toward the sky.

“Well, amen to that.” I remembered our better days, back at Missionary and at the college, praying and serving together, discussing his vision for the future; our future. “So?”

“So what?” Now I was lost.

“Will you?” Joshua asked, getting down on one knee in the grass.

“Will I what?”

“Will you marry me? I'll accept everything you've got, if we have kids together or if we can't, even the child you want to adopt from Africa. We'll adopt together.” Joshua offered me back my beautiful ring. “I don't care anymore. I just want to be with you.”

I took the ring from him and held onto it. “Yes, Joshua, I'll marry you, but only after I get situated in school and in this young women's ministry. Can you give me six months this time?”

Joshua breathed out a sigh of relief. “I'll give you anything you need.”

“You see, I've been delivered too. And I must fulfill God's will for my life. I've waited long enough,” I said.

“That's fine with me. I won't pressure you. I'll wait.” Joshua hugged me as if he didn't want to let go. Then he placed the engagement ring back on my finger.

And we laughed and talked until both of us were filled with love. Then we prayed together before it was time for Joshua to go back to his hotel room. It hadn't been the most romantic evening, but it certainly was spiritual, so I felt at peace.

When I finally went to bed, I had no nightmares. I only had dreams about my bright future.

When Joshua left after a week, it was back to business as usual. I spent the remainder of my time with the children I knew that God had assigned to me. I stayed for another four weeks delivering supplies, working in the fields, teaching at Vacation Bible Schools and attending occasional public relations events. I was even able to help a few of the villagers to build a bridge. One day Pastor Njoki invited the missionaries and me to his parents' home at The Mount Kenya Game Ranch, which was just outside the city of Nairobe. An older, distinguished couple, they gave us a warm greeting as we arrived. There I saw another side of Kenya, a land of lavish living nestled in the foothills of the mountains, exclusive residences, and panoramic views of the forests of Kenya National Park. For the first time during my trip, I was able to kick back and just have fun. Since the climate was very moderate in the mountains, it was virtually pest free, so there were no screens on the windows and doors. We not only soaked up the sun, but we also went on a helicopter safari, and went fly fishing. A few people from the group went to play tennis or golf, but since I'd never played, I stayed away from that. At nightfall we admired the majestic snow covered peaks of Kerinyaga, called God's Mountain.

Although the temperature that night was cool, the private estate was cozy with a log fireplace. We had dinner there. Pastor Njoki prayed for us, and then we were on our way back to the guesthouse in Nairobe.

It was raining when we returned. We stepped out of the van and ran through the wet grasslands up to the front door. Seger stopped me on the porch before I went in.

“So you'll be going back to the States soon?”

“Yes.”

Seger narrowed his gaze. “I don't want you to go.”

“I've enjoyed my time here, but my fiancé is waiting for me.”

“I know, but are you happy with him?” Seger lifted my chin so that he could stare directly into my eyes.

“I'm very happy.”

“But I thought he didn't understand you, didn't want to accept all of you, your past included.”

“That was before, but he's okay now.”

“Really. How do you know this?”

I sighed before answering him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was a good man. “We've reconciled everything. Things are good between us.”

“What if things get not so good again?”

“Then I will look toward the hills from whence cometh my help.” Nothing would stand between Joshua and me ever again.

Seger let out a hearty laugh. “Good answer, Sister Alex.”

“Thank you, Brother Seger.” I took in the sparkle of his eyes. “I'd better go now. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Seger said.

As soon as I went inside the guesthouse, I used the Internet to e-mail Joshua.

The next day I checked my e-mail, and Joshua had written me back.

After reading his e-mail, the words became real to me, and I knew in my heart, it was time for me to leave. I had spent three months here, and it was time to go home. It was time to prepare to be Joshua's wife. Although I called Dr. Harding to tell him that I was coming home and that I would not be accepting the promotion, he seemed to understand. My destiny was finally clear to me, and public relations was not a part of it. I headed out toward the school to say good-bye, and at that very moment the clouds darkened and hung low. When I looked up into the sky it was as if the heavens had opened up for me once again. The rain began to fall all over me, and within seconds, I was drenched. Knowing it was the rainy season, I should've taken my umbrella. There wasn't a dry spot on my body, and yet I felt magnificent. I knew this purifying rain was a sign from God and that He had filled me with everything that had been missing. I had a second chance to start over and right the wrongs of yesterday. I ran through the puddles, deep inside the marshes and ended up at the little schoolhouse with the mud roof.

The people in the villages, especially the children, were sad to see me go, but I promised them all that I would return. One particular boy at an orphanage, named Kiano, who Seger and I had bonded with, cried because I was leaving. “I'll be back,” I promised him as I headed out the front door. Both Pastor Njoke and Seger escorted me to the airport, although Seger was obviously disappointed that I was engaged again. I was excited to be going home, whole, for the first time in a long time.

 

 

Back in Brooklyn, the weather had changed. It was the second week of October now, and the red and orange leaves were scattered onto the pavement. I buttoned up my leather jacket as I sat in the leather guest chair, waiting patiently for Pastor Martin to end his phone call. I observed his various degrees from college and graduate school, his ordination certificates from various churches, and other honors of all kinds. I was impressed that his sense of direction seemed to have always been so clear.

Finally, Pastor Martin hung up the phone and rubbed his balding head. “I'm glad you finally came to see me.”

“So am I.”

“That was some speech you made a month ago.”

“I'm a little ashamed.” I looked down at my feet.

He smiled. “You shouldn't be.”

“Believe me, it wasn't planned.” I looked up into Pastor Martin's face. “It was only the Holy Spirit.”

“I know that. I wouldn't have let you take over my pulpit if it weren't.” Pastor Martin smiled.

“Yes, sir.” I let out a deep breath and began to sit up straight in my chair.

“I knew that you'd been hurting for a long time. My wife and I both sensed it, and we had been praying for you, like we do for all our members. The Holy Spirit never shared with us why you were hurting, just that you needed special prayer.”

This statement took me by surprise. “I had no idea.”

“I know you didn't.”

“I'm so ashamed though.”

“You shouldn't be. Old things are passed away. Behold all things are become new.”

I felt a hint of excitement run through me. “Pastor, since my trip to Kenya, I do feel new. I know that was what I needed; to be away from everything and everyone that I knew, just to hear God's voice.”

“I'm glad you finally received the blessing, Sister Alex. It has been there all along.”

My tears began to fall from my eyes. “I know that now.”

“God forgave you a long time ago. I'm glad you finally decided to forgive yourself.”

“You're right, Pastor.”

“It's all behind you now. God is a forgiving God. You know that. He's a God of the second chance, third chance, and so on. God loves you.”

“I know.”

“They were twins, weren't they?”

“Yes. How did you know that?”

“The Holy Spirit just told me.” Pastor Martin looked down at his desk. “You'll meet them someday.”

“I know.”

“It doesn't make the pain any less real, but . . . my wife and I lost our first child, and we still remember. We still feel the loss even twenty-five years and six kids later. But we go on, and that's what you have to do. Go on. Get on with the business of living.”

“My mom used to say that all the time.”

“Your mother was a faithful woman. We really miss her here at the church.”

“I miss her too. But you're right. I must go on. I feel like I have to do something, like there is a ministry in me, something that was missing or undeveloped before. I learned so much while I was in Kenya. Now the ministry is big in me.”

“I know that feeling when it's ripe. It's your season, Sister Alex.”

“Yes, it's my season.” I sighed. “I want to help others like me and like Michelle, like I want to mentor young women, particularly in the area of abstinence.”

“Maybe you can start here at the church.” Pastor Martin appeared to be searching for something.

“Sounds great.” I jumped to my feet. “When can I start?”

“As soon as you're really ready. Pray about it, get your information organized, and we'll have a meeting with the board on next week.”

“Thank you, Pastor. I've been praying for answers a long time, and now I finally understand what I have to do.”

“I'm glad.”

I picked up my leather purse from the chair. “I'm going to graduate school, and I'm going to major in education. I'm also going to take a few classes in Christian counseling at the Bible college.”

“Good for you. I'm happy that you've found God's will.”

“This time I have.” I was finally certain about what I wanted to do with my life.

Pastor Martin stood up and smiled. “Well my dear, then you're on your way.”