Joy Comes in the Morning (17 page)

It was a beautiful summer day in the city, with only three weeks to go before the wedding. The invitations had been sent out. The caterer, the florist, the live band, the decorator, the photographer, and everything had been perfectly planned, thanks to my mother-in-law to be. How she managed to find time between her busy church activities and her duties as a congresswoman baffled me. She had taken on the role of wedding planner and decided every meticulous detail. Yet nothing was right between the bride and the groom. We hadn't spoken in a few days, and the vision of me walking down the aisle was beginning to fade.

As I was on my way home from work, I decided to stop at the corner store for a six pack of Diet Coke, scotch tape, and a roll of paper towels. When I came out of the
bodega
, I saw Joshua and Yvonne together. He was holding the door of his car open for her. She was wearing a skin tight pair of jeans and a pretty, red, low cut blouse with matching platform shoes. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. They were laughing and talking. Yvonne leaned on his shoulder before he opened the car door for her. Even though my heart didn't want to believe it, I didn't put anything past brothers these days. Not where sisters were concerned, especially not sisters like Sister Winifred's neice, Yvonne. She looked like she was notorious for man stealing, and she'd had her eye on him from day one.

Immediately, my eyes filled with tears. I was so angry I couldn't think. How dare he? For a moment my mind snapped, and I almost forgot who I was in Christ. I wanted to go upside her little red head. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit brought me back to who I was. Besides, being arrested for assault would not be a proper testimony for the kingdom. So I sucked in all the rage I felt, slammed the car door shut and was about to take off like I was in the Indianapolis 500.

At the precise moment, I turned to take a last glance, and he spotted me.

“Alex.” Joshua ran toward my car.

I didn't answer. I just kept going.

“We're just . . .” Joshua yelled across the intersection.

“Sure.” I had never been the jealous type, but Satan had been playing tricks on me lately. Since things weren't right between me and Joshua, I assumed there was someone between me and Joshua. I initially thought it was the memory of his late wife, Delilah. Now that I knew that it was Yvonne. It made sense. Another woman. A loose woman.

Driving home, I began to pray, “Lord, maybe that's what I deserve for not being honest with Joshua, but after the way he talked to me on Independence Day, things are still not right. Please help me to understand. Give me wisdom on how to handle the mess I've made of this relationship. In Jesus' name. Amen.”

Before I knew it, I had pulled up in front of my building. As soon as I walked through the door of my apartment, I started to tell Taylor about what happened. No matter what we went through, she was still my girl.

“Can you believe I just saw Joshua with Yvonne? She was all over him,” I fussed.

Taylor rolled herself over to me in her wheelchair. “Maybe there is an explanation, but I don't want to hear it right now.”

“I don't blame you for being angry because men are trifling like that.” Taylor snapped her fingers. I just can't believe he'd fall for Yvonne after all we've meant to each other, or after all he has meant to me.”

“Look, I told you men are dogs. Don't get all worked up over it. They're not worth it; none of them are.”

“I can't believe I just stood there looking like a fool and didn't do anything. I couldn't even move at first.”

“But at least you had someone who cared about you.” Taylor stuck out her bottom lip like a spoiled child. “I ain't got nobody.”

“What do you mean you've got no one? You've got me.”

“I don't mean that. I mean you had a shot at being happy, and I'm not joining your pity party.”

“What?”

“I've got my own problems.” Taylor turned her face toward the wall, and I could see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

“Can I help?”

“No, not unless you've got serious dollars. I've got this business deadline to meet. I only have three more months.”

“Anything is possible with God.”

Taylor ignored my comment. “I'm doing my best with getting information, but it doesn't seem to be coming together fast enough. I mean, Keith has been trying to help me, but my time is coming to an end.”

“It'll work out. Just keep trying.”

“That's what Keith says, but look at all these rejections so far.” Taylor threw a handful of papers into the air. “Time after time, and no one has accepted my proposal. All the credit apps have been turned down.”

“Have you tried personal lines of credit?”

“You mean like credit cards?”

“Yes, and even personal loans. Check it out.”

“Cool,” Taylor seemed to perk up.

“A lot of entrepreneurs have had to start that way when they couldn't secure an official business loan. Sometimes you've got to finance the dream personally when no one else believes in you.” I remembered hearing that piece of advice from a local talk show host.

“Never thought of it like that.”

“Believe me, when all else fails, you believe in you.” If only I could take my own advice and believe in myself, my problems would be solved.

I pushed the door of my bedroom open wide, kicked off my shoes in the doorway, and threw my favorite purse across the room. I checked my phone for messages from Joshua. There were none. There was only a message from Sister Trudy telling me about an emergency member's meeting at the church tomorrow. I wondered what that was all about, but I was in no mood to dwell on it.

I jumped into the shower, believing that would calm me down. All I felt, however, was pressure, like I was being squeezed between a wall, not knowing if I'd come out alive. I didn't know if I should give up on the time Joshua and I had spent together and start again, or go back and fight. I contemplated whether or not I'd accept rejection or maintain defeat, knowing that for now he had chosen another over me.

I checked my phone again when I came out of the shower. Still no call from Joshua. I asked Taylor if she wanted to go out to dinner, but she said she didn't feel up to it. So I decided to go out to dinner by myself, something I didn't usually like to do, but I was desperate. I drove downtown, found a quaint little seafood restaurant, and sat at a table in the back to sulk. I ordered a shrimp platter, complete with a salad and baked potato. I was busy spreading butter onto my potato, minding my own business, when I looked up into the eyes of Ahmad.

“Alex, imagine seeing you here.” Ahmad licked his lips like he was hungry. “I know a brother didn't let his beautiful woman eat out alone.”

“Ahmad, please. Not now.” I wasn't in the mood for his foolishness. “All right, all right. I see I've struck a nerve. I promise not to get on your nerves again if you let me sit down.”

It wasn't my intention to agree with this handsome man from my past, but despite my better sensibilities, in my most vulnerable state, I let my lips utter the unthinkable. “Sure, why not?” I was still angry with Joshua.

I didn't know why Ahmad was here, back in my life, but not quite in my life. He was making my heart beat faster, bringing back precious memories of my youth. Not that I was a senior citizen now, but I was noticeably older. Not him. He just grew smoother with age. I wondered what the real reason was for him being here, running into me. Or was he stalking me? Maybe he had been thinking of me all along. Nah. No way had he been thinking of me while he flounced around L.A. looking for his big break. He put his hands on the table, and I noticed how strong looking they were. Long, well manicured fingers. I remembered his hands and how they had once been all over my body. I blinked away the thought quickly.
Lord Jesus, deliver me from my own mind.
I found myself watching his lips as he spoke, listening to each word as if I were out of my own body. He licked his lips as he ate and chewed gently. He had the most sensual looking lips, ones that could just drink a woman in. Then all of a sudden I found myself lost in his eyes, not because I was feeling him or anything, but because those pools of hazel took me to another time and place, the time before the storm.

Ahmad leaned in close. “So you're happy with the deacon?”

“Yes, I'm very happy.” He was so close to me, I could smell the aftershave lotion on his face. I pushed myself back in my chair.

“Well, you don't look happy tonight.”

I yawned. “I'm just a little tired. It has been a long day, that's all.”

“I didn't know a church boy would be your type.”

“There is a lot you don't know about me.” I sat up straight at the table. “I've changed.”

“So I see.”

“No you don't see. I'm a different person now since I've given my life to the Lord.”

“You sound like your mother, now.”

“I'll take that as a compliment.” I paused. “She was a good woman.”

He took my hand. “Yes, she was. I'm sorry I missed her funeral.”

“Right.” I wasn't really sure how to answer that.

He had missed everything. The crying and screaming I did right after I left the clinic that day. The depression shortly after and the relapse I had a week later when the infection set in.

Mom was out of town for the weekend, so I had gone home. I didn't want my misery to become the center of attention on campus. I called Taylor as soon as I got home, but she was out on a hot date, so I was home alone. First the cramps came fiercely. Then the hot flashes and the nausea. Soon I found myself sweating and bleeding profusely. I knelt down to pray, too weak to hold myself up. I was too afraid to call anyone. I fixed myself a cup of tea, but the cramps came faster and stronger, cutting off my already sporadic breathing. I wheezed and clenched my teeth until I dropped down to the floor in a pool of my own blood.

I couldn't figure Ahmad out but I wanted to. What did he want? What made him tick? I wasn't sure, but for some odd reason, I wanted to know. I needed to know. This man had done everything evil to me that was humanly possible, and yet here I was sitting with him, eating, and prying into his mind.

“Your sister hates me, doesn't she?”

“Pretty much, yes.” I let myself laugh at that one.

“I could tell by the way she didn't want you to talk to me.”

“Well, she's just being protective. It's a twin thing.”

“Oh.”

“You wouldn't understand.”

“I think I can.” He winked at me. “She hates me.”

“Well, she doesn't care for you at all, no. She thinks you're heartless and trifling.”

“And what do you think?”

“I don't know what to think. I don't know why you're here or why I'm even talking to you either.” I smirked. “But I must say in the past you've been heartless and trifling.”

“I see.”

“No offense,” I said.

“None taken.”

My legs were shaking underneath the table, maybe from guilt. I kept eating without looking up at him again. That was dangerous territory. I had forgiven him a long time ago, but I never expected to see him again in person. I never expected he would resurface in my life. Not when I was trying to disassociate myself with the past. Disassociate myself from myself.

I excused myself to the restroom and tried to call Joshua.

“Hello,” she said.

“Hello.”

Upon hearing Yvonne's voice, I hung up. I was livid. How dare she answer his phone? Who did Yvonne think she was? Where was Joshua anyway? I was tired of his arrogance, of doing things his way while all the while he was pretending to be Mr. Holy Righteous. Didn't he care that he was hurting me? He was supposed to be my future husband, and there he had been with another woman draped comfortably around his arm. I think not. It was over with this game playing man. Then my anger bubbled over. I fixed the makeup around my eyes, reapplied my lipstick and went back out to the table.
Two can play this game.
At first I felt miserable being there with Ahmad, but after a good healthy dose of sirloin steak and a couple of rounds of iced tea, I felt pretty good. After all, Joshua had been taking me for granted. We hadn't been out together in days, and he clearly had Yvonne wrapped around his little finger. I wasn't sure exactly where our relationship stood. As I looked into Ahmad's hazel eyes, there was so much confusion in my heart; I almost wanted to forget about Joshua. Yet with a wedding just weeks away, I knew I couldn't.

After dinner, despite my telling him not to, Ahmad insisted on walking me to my car. Then came the awkward moment as I unlocked my door, trying to avoid what I feared was coming next. I could feel Ahmad leaning in close, heavily breathing on my neck.

Before I could block it, Ahmad spun me around under the street lights and planted a wet kiss on me. I tried to pull away from him, but his arms overpowered me, holding me closely against his firm chest like the old days. Surprisingly, it was nothing like I remembered.

“What am I doing?” I managed to break from him.

“What's wrong?”

I felt sick in my stomach. “Everything.”

“What?”

“I shouldn't have. I mean you shouldn't be here.”

“I thought we had a good time,” Ahmad said.

“I did, but it has to end here. I've got too much at stake.” I let out a deep sigh. “I'm sorry.”

He reached for me with his large hands, but I moved to avoid his touch. “I see.”

“I didn't see. But I'm seeing clearly now. I can't disappoint the Lord.”

“I'm sure the Lord will understand.” Ahmad smiled, obviously indicating that he found humor in what I was saying.

“No, I can't disappoint Him anymore than I already have. Goodnight.” I pushed him away with one hand and opened the door of my car with the other. Then I started it up and pulled away without even looking back.

I drove home, crying the whole time. Once inside my apartment, I slumped down to the floor. “Lord, please forgive me for my shortcomings, for betraying Joshua, for allowing myself to be tempted. Keep me in the spirit, Lord so I won't fulfill the lust of the flesh. In Jesus' name. Amen.”

Taylor rolled herself out in her wheelchair. “So where have you been?”

“Out to eat.”

“Alone?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not to me, but to your fiancé, it might.” Taylor came closer and began sniffing the air. “Is that Ahmad's cologne I smell on you?”

“Yes, but it's not what you think.”

Taylor didn't blink. “Who cares what I think?”

“I mean we ran into each other.”

“Ran into each other just like that?” Taylor folded her arms and gave me a skeptical head roll.

“Yes, just like that. He's on an assignment, so he's here in New York, and he won't leave. It's a play he's doing or something, and it should be over soon, hopefully.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I feel bad enough, you know. First Joshua with Yvonne, and . . . I—”

“Look, I don't think Joshua is messing with that girl. I mean she's probably just all up on a brother, you know.”

“But you said—”

Taylor threw her hands up. “Yeah, I know what I said, but well, maybe I was wrong.”

“Excuse me.” I knew I had to be hearing things. My sister never admitted she was wrong.

“Keith came by earlier, and we talked and—”

“So you've been telling your physical therapist my business?”

“He's not just my physical therapist. He's my friend, and he keeps it real with me.”

“So you're telling your new friend my business?”

“Calm down. Ain't nobody thinking about your business. Keith just helped me to realize all men aren't the same.”

“Oh, so you're sweet on Keith?”

“No, I'm not. I'm just sayin' Keith is a half way decent guy, so maybe Josh is a half way decent guy too. Maybe it wasn't how it looked when you saw him with Yvonne.” Taylor threw up her hands as she left the room. “I'm just sayin'.”

At that moment the door bell rang, and I ran over to answer it, secretly hoping with everything in me that it was Joshua.