Junk (14 page)

“We? Who’s we?”

“Therapists. Counsellors. Whatever you want to call what I do.”

“I thought you were a clutter clearer.”

“Jasper, I trained for this. I know what I’m talking about.”

Jasper glared at him. “You’ve no idea what’s going on in my head.”

God, the man could be stubborn when he wanted to be. Lewis suppressed a huff of frustration. “You just told me I could read you like a book.”

“Some of the pages are torn out. You haven’t seen those ones.” Jasper pulled his hands away and began cracking his knuckles.

“Please, don’t—” Lewis reached to take Jasper’s hands again, but he yanked them away and jumped up.

“You want me too. You can’t keep your hands off me most of the time.” Jasper leaned back against the veranda railings, his arms folded across his chest.

Crap. He’d known that was going to come back and bite him in the bum. Lewis stood and moved over to Jasper. “I’m just… I’m a tactile person. Can’t help it, and you looked like you needed a bit of human contact. You shouldn’t read too much into it.”

“I don’t know. I… Are you really saying you don’t fancy me? Even a little bit?”

Oh double crap with chilli sauce on. The look in Jasper’s eyes was so hopeful, and Lewis didn’t even want to lie to him. “It’s not that. I think you’re sexy as hell and I wish I’d met you under some other circumstances, but this really isn’t a good time for us to start anything.”

“Why not? I want you. You want me. We’re both spending lots of time together. Seems like the perfect time.” Jasper was tenacious when he wanted something—Lewis had to give him that.

“I’m not after another relationship right now. Look, I’ve spent most of my adult life going from one relationship to another. I’ve not spent more than a couple of months single before hooking up with some new bloke, every time convinced he was going to be ‘the One’.” Lewis made air quotes. “I need to spend some time alone. I need to figure out what it is I need out of a relationship. I can’t keep getting involved with blokes, hoping I’ll be able to change them into what I’m after.”

Jasper unfolded his arms, and his face softened. “What are you after?”

And there was the million-quid question. “If I knew that, it would be simple, wouldn’t it? I could just write myself a lonely hearts ad or join a dating agency.”

“See. We’re made for each other. You’re just as messed up as me on the inside, aren’t you? We can help each other.” Jasper smiled then, a fond expression that made Lewis want to close the distance between them and tackle him to the ground. Why did Jasper have to be so kind? Made it impossible to push him away as firmly as Lewis knew he should.

“I think we’re all a bit messed up inside. Part of the human condition.”

“But we can get better,” Jasper insisted.

“Of course. It takes time, though. And work.”

“I want to get better.”

Lewis sighed. “I know you do.”

“I’m going to do it. I’m going to get my house in order. And while I’m doing that, you can figure out everything you need to figure out. And then, when we’re both ready…”

“No promises,” Lewis said, forestalling him. “You just need to concentrate on reducing your hoard right now. You’ve made progress in stopping new items coming in, which is great. Now how about letting something else go? There’s a charity shop down at the end of the road. I bet they’d like more donations.”

“I could…” Fear flitted across Jasper’s face, but his expression quickly settled into a grim determination. Damn, he looked good like that. Strong-jawed and tough. Just the kind of looks Lewis was a total sucker for.

“Let’s do it,” Jasper said. “Five books? We’ll try the paperback fiction on the stairs. That was the last lot in.”

“Okay. Sounds good.”

“Come on, then.” Jasper headed back into the claustrophobic interior. “No time like the present.”

Lewis followed after him, edging through the hallway just in time to see Jasper pick up a small armful of paperbacks from the third step, then turn to the front door.

“Whoa! Aren’t you even going to look at them?”

“I know what they are. I brought them home last week. Come on. I want to get them to the shop before I change my mind.” Jasper patted down his pockets. “I’ve got my keys. I could leave my bag, couldn’t I? Just this once.” His eyes met Lewis’s with a kind of mute appeal.

“Of course you can leave your bag. It’s only a short walk back if you find you need anything in there.”

“Okay…” Jasper’s gaze slid in the direction of the kitchen, where Lewis had seen him leave his overstuffed bag. “Yes, I’m sure you’re right. I’m hardly going to need my laptop just to go to the charity shop. But what about if we need money? I should go and get my wallet.”

“Why would we need money?” Not for more books, please.

Jasper wouldn’t meet his gaze. “A coffee? I could go for some baklava.”

“I’ll get you a coffee. We can carry on our session in the café. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good.” But Jasper still vacillated by the front door.

Lewis wanted to make the most of the impulse to leave. “Let’s go. I’ve been meaning to schedule in a trip to the shops with you anyway. It’s going to be useful to see how you usually go about acquiring new books.”

“Oh, right. Of course. Well, I suppose we’d better go, then. Does this mean I’ll be allowed to look at the books there?”

“I’m going to insist on it.”

Jasper’s face lit up, then fell. “But I won’t have any money if I see something I want.”

“That’s kind of the point.”

“Oh, of course.”

“Come on, out the door.”

With a last wistful glance in the direction of the kitchen, Jasper let himself out the front door.

The walk down the hill was too short for Jasper to say good-bye to the books properly. He had an absurd urge to take out his phone and photograph them before they were lost forever, but when he confided this to Lewis, he just smiled.

“That’s pretty normal behaviour for people who hoard. I had a client once who had to make up poems about every object she got rid of. Took me three months to wean her off the habit. After that, she was able to move away from the individual items and make up poems about whole bags, and even a vanload of stuff.”

“She sounds crazy.”

“She was definitely a more extreme case. She didn’t have as much stuff as you do, but it wasn’t remotely organised, and she was incredibly attached to every last piece of it. Lots of soft toys and clothes that didn’t fit her anymore. Everything had a sentimental memory.” Lewis trailed off, sounding thoughtful.

“I don’t really have that problem. Maybe with a few of the books I’ve read and loved, but I’m planning to keep those.”

“On your fancy new bookshelves.”

“Right.”

“What about the stuff behind the books?”

Jasper halted, frozen to the spot. “What stuff?” How did Lewis know?

Lewis turned back to face him, tilting his head to one side. “There’s furniture behind it all, isn’t there? And your mum’s things. You told me in our first session.”

“I did? Oh. God, I’m so forgetful. Why can’t I remember things? I can never bloody well remember anything. I’m hopeless. That’s what I am.”

“You seem to remember a pretty normal amount of stuff. We can’t all have photographic memories.”

“Yes, but I can barely remember a thing. I have to make lists when I go shopping or I forget something basic like milk.”

“That’s pretty normal too.” Lewis shrugged. “I make shopping lists all the time. Well, I did. Before I moved back into Mum and Dad’s.” His body seemed to sag.

If Jasper could steer the conversation in this direction, perhaps Lewis would forget his previous line of questioning. “So why did you move back in there?” He started walking again. The sooner they got into the charity shop, the more distractions there would be.

“After my last relationship ended, I didn’t have any money or a home.”

“That’s terrible.”

“Not really. At least Mum and Dad have enough room in their place and we get on well enough. I mean, I’m not homeless.”

“No, but still… How come you didn’t have any money? You seem so organised. I’d have thought there’d be savings somewhere.” He glanced over to see a wry smile on Lewis’s face, quite different from his usual sweet ones.

“I’ve never been any good at saving. If I’m not buying presents for people, I’m expanding my wardrobe.” He gestured down at his jeans, which to Jasper’s uneducated eyes didn’t look like anything particularly special, although they did hug Lewis’s arse agreeably closely. “These were custom made. Cost a small fortune, but worth every penny.”

“I’ll say.” It popped out before he’d had a chance to censor himself, but Lewis’s smile now reached his eyes.

“Didn’t think you cared much for clothes.”

“Not on me I don’t. Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate them on others.”

Lewis chuckled, shaking his head. “You know, I had to resist the urge to buy a shirt the other day. It was on sale. This deep rusty red colour. Would have looked fabulous on you, with your colouring.”

“You were going to buy me a shirt? But I’ve got enough money to buy my own shirts.”

“I wasn’t exactly thinking rationally.” Lewis’s smile twisted out of shape again. “See what I mean? I understand the shopping compulsion. I just don’t tend to keep most of the stuff I buy.”

“Oh. I never would have thought…” Jasper walked along, his steps suddenly buoyant, like the pavement had been spring-loaded. “You really wanted to buy me a present? Why?”

Lewis was looking anywhere but at him. “It would have suited you. With your skin and hair, you should go deep and bold. Wishy-washy doesn’t work on you.”

Jasper got the feeling Lewis was evading the real question just as he had himself earlier, but they’d reached the shops now and the time for revealing conversation was probably over. Still, the idea that Lewis had been thinking of him… Had wanted to buy something he thought would look good on him… That wasn’t the kind of thing you did for someone you didn’t care about, was it?

Jasper grinned as he pushed open the charity shop door. “Morning Rose,” he called to the woman with the overdone blue rinse sitting behind the counter. “You’re never going to believe this, but I’ve actually got something to donate.”

He plonked the books down on the counter and glanced over to Lewis. His heart was racing, but he wasn’t entirely sure if that was down to giving up the books or Lewis’s proximity.
Seventy
, he mouthed, knowing Lewis would understand.

Lewis nodded and moved back to look through a rack of men’s clothing.

Yes, it looked like they did both have their own little shopping addictions. Strange that the thought could make him so absurdly happy—that they shared a psychological weakness.

Once he’d finished exchanging pleasantries with Rose, Jasper went to join Lewis. “See anything you like?”

“Hmm? Oh, not for me. But this…” Lewis lifted up a dark green shirt. “This would look great on you. I think it’s your size.”

“Aren’t you meant to be stopping me from buying things?”

Lewis’s cheeks flushed. “Yes. Sorry. Right, books. Let’s go look at the books.”

So now Lewis was the one apologising. Interesting. Jasper kind of liked seeing him flustered. Seeing that unflappable calm ruffled up just a little. It made his eyes brighter and his cheeks pinker.

He followed, watching the back of Lewis’s head and the set of his shoulders. It was a view he didn’t think he’d ever tire of.

“So, tell me what goes through your head when faced with lots of books like this,” Lewis said.

Jasper ran a fingertip along the row of spines. “I’m excited. So many possibilities. There could be something fabulous lurking in amongst this lot.”

“Define fabulous.”

“I don’t know. A book I don’t already have. Something rare or unusual. I like finding ones that have gone out of print. Ones with beautiful covers.”

“So you’d consider yourself a collector?”

“Oh, well, not really. I mean, I don’t go to auctions or antiquarian bookshops or anything.”

“Why not?”

“Why? Erm… I suppose it just seems so expensive. I mean, I could find a first edition of something like
The Little Prince
for maybe a few hundred. I don’t know. Perhaps more. Think how many books I could buy here for that money.”

“So that’s the aim, is it? Economy. Quantity rather than quality.”

“Well…when you put it like that. Pigging hell! Is that what I’ve been doing? That’s so stupid. Like I need that many books!”

“So, maybe we could start coming up with some guidelines for acquiring.”

“Guidelines? Like what?”

“When I’m tempted by something, I have a set of rules I go through to help me decide whether or not I really need to buy it. Unless I can answer yes to at least five of them, I leave it in the shop.”

“What kind of rules?”

“All sorts of things. When I last bought clothes, how many other of that type of garment I already have, whether it goes with my existing wardrobe, whether it’s a breathable fabric…” Lewis fidgeted with one of the books, sliding it halfway out of the row and then shoving it back into place. “Not that my rules are all about clothing. Most, but not all.”