Just a Little (5-8) (8 page)

I watched as he shook his head, looking at me in complete disbelief. He looked as though he had a million things he wanted to say, but he only bit his lip and stared intently.

“Okay, Luke. You wanna talk about what’s really bothering me?” I took a deep breath. I tried my best to brace myself for his answer to the following question, but I knew that no amount of preparation would ever be enough. I was scared, but I had to know. “Who’s Rebecca?”

“Oh, come on, Julie.”

“And don’t feed me any of this
she’s just some girl Dad hired
crap. I want the truth. Now. Who is she?

“You’re gonna go with that, then?” he asked. “You’re gonna stand there and pretend that that’s really what’s bothering you?” He dropped his head and groaned. “Is this about sparing my feelings, or are you truly that stupid? You’re not mad about Rebecca.”

“
Who is she
?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“Right,” I rolled my eyes.

“
I
can’t
tell you
,” he clenched his teeth, “because I don’t trust you. And if the truth gets out, if anyone else learns what I know, the people I love the most stand to get hurt. That’s
not
a risk I’m willing to take, Julie.”

“I know you’re related to Molly,” I hoped my revelation would get a rise out of him. “I don’t know how, but I know she’s blood.”

He watched me from the corner of his eye, almost as if he didn’t believe I actually knew something. “Fishing for answers?”

“Bruno’s been watching you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Even your uncle has been suspicious about your behavior, Luke. He collected DNA from both you and Molly. He brought the lab results over yesterday. Your genes match.”

“Unbelievable,” he muttered

“Yeah, it
is
unbelievable; I agree.”

“And to think I actually came here thinking I could have a mature conversation with you.”

“Just tell me the truth!”

“I’m not telling you anything,” he headed for the door. “I’m sure, between you and Bruno, your little investigation will turn up all the answers in due time. When you’re done sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself. This isn’t a game, Julie. You’re messing with people’s lives here. This goes far beyond me and you.”

“
What’s
that
supposed to mean
?”

“You’re being selfish,” he said. “What’s between me, Rebecca, and Molly… the truth will destroy my family… or what’s left of it, anyway.”

“I think you’re overreacting.”

“No,” he said. “But you go ahead and continue your search, Julie. Because God knows that as long as you get what you want, no one else really matters.”

“Wow. Not fair.”

“Oh,” he opened the door to leave, “in case you were wondering, we’ll go ahead and call this breakup mutual. You’re just too damn toxic, Julie Little. Too—damn—toxic.”

CHAPTER THREE

Wednesday, March 06

I sat in seventh period English and leaned over a copy of
Romeo and Juliet
. We’d been studying the play for several days, but I hadn’t once given it the time or thought that it deserved. A group of students stood at the front of the room and acted out the beginning of Act III. I hadn’t cared to read the assigned pages the night before—shame on me, but what can I say? I have my own pathetic life to deal with, so I had no idea what was about to come. I could only assume, based on the direction things were heading, someone was about to keel over.

I kept my head low and pretended to read along with the rest of my seated classmates as the “actors” stumbled through their lines. I must’ve been putting on one heck of a show; the teacher never seemed to notice that I was lost in my own train of thought. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t quit thinking about Luke long enough to focus on anything pertinent to passing Friday’s exam.

Luke, Luke, Luke…. I couldn’t stop the replay.

It was great that he’d gone out of his way to make amends. The sincerity in his eyes was admirable and sweet. But somehow, between his warm kisses and his tender touch, I’d managed to infuriate him to the point of leaving. I could’ve just gone along with it. I could’ve let our passionate moment continue. I could’ve kept my mouth shut.

I could’ve told him to stay.

But then I wouldn’t have been true to myself. I would’ve given in to a man who’d learned how to expertly manipulate my emotions. That’s just what he’d been doing, right?

Honestly, I didn’t believe that it was ever Luke’s intention to break my heart. What he’d said was true—I
was
hurting, and he
could
help me. But Luke was the type of guy to work alone; he relied only on himself to determine what was best for other people. He never communicated with me, never consulted me. He never took the time to ask me what I thought or felt. He just took matters into his own hands and pulled the (metaphorical) trigger whenever he saw fit. That put us in a really nasty place. See, call me crazy, but
I
thought that
I
should get some kind of say in my own life.

All he wanted was to guarantee my happiness; that’s exactly what I wanted for myself. But two people with one common goal shouldn’t fight the way we do. Even from the very beginning, Luke and I could never get it together. We didn’t know how to
not
fight.

Maybe Matt was right from the start. Maybe he knew what he was talking about when he said that Luke and I were a deadly combination. Maybe I
was
toxic to Luke… and maybe he was toxic to me.

When the bell rang to dismiss the final class of the day, I scooped my books off the desk and shot into the hallway. I pushed through the crowd of students and headed for the front doors, refusing to wait for Matt like I normally would.

I wasn’t in the mood to discuss what had happened in the wee hours of the morning. I knew Matt would take one look at me and know I was hiding something, and I didn’t feel like reliving that conversation again. Plus, even if I told him the truth about Luke sneaking in, I could guarantee that he’d approach the situation one of two ways. He’d either yell at me for being so vulnerable, letting Luke weasel his way back into my heart (even if it
was
only a momentary lapse in judgment), or he’d yell at me for not taking the opportunity to make things right. Either way, I didn’t feel like listening to anything Matt had to say.

I walked into the house ten minutes later only to be bombarded with a plethora of birthday surprises. I stopped dead in my tracks and surveyed the foyer. Balloons and flowers of every shape, color, and size filled the room. They were spread so thickly through the small space that I could barely see the pile of wrapped gifts waiting for me by the far wall. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before, and it was all for me.

It wasn’t until I turned around that I noticed the gigantic
Happy Birthday
banner hanging over the front door.

I tossed my bag aside and picked up the nearest bouquet of flowers. I pulled the white card from the arrangement and read in Charlie’s naturally sloppy shorthand
Happy Birthday, Pumpkin
.

My phone rang right on cue. No doubt it was my uncle calling to see if I’d made it home and discovered his room full of gifts.

“You’re a nut job, you know that, right?” I answered the call and barely restrained a smile. “When did you have time to do all of this? I thought you were stuck at the station all day.”

The line was silent.

“Hello?” I asked. “I come home to a hundred balloons and dozens of flowers, and
you’re
the one who’s speechless?”

Still, no answer.

“Charlie,” I heard nothing on the other line but vague background noise and static, “are you there?”

“Julie,” a familiar voice said, “it’s me… it’s Derek.”

I’m not exactly sure what happened to my heart in that moment, but it felt like a combination of a million wonderful things. For a moment, I could’ve sworn it jumped into my throat. But if my heart was in my throat, what was that sinking feeling in my stomach? And if my heart had suddenly decided to jump ship and set up camp somewhere else, throat
or
stomach, I couldn’t possibly figure out where that rapid pounding in my chest was coming from.

“Derek?”

“Happy birthday.”

I let out a slow, jagged breath as I held onto those two little words. There was no mistaking that voice. It was him…

“Derek,” I said again, but this time it wasn’t a question. My jaw felt as if it’d fallen to the floor. For lack of better words, I was in complete shock. My eyes were spilling with tears, but once I managed to pull myself together, my smile grew wider than it’d been in weeks. I couldn’t find the energy to put my rampant thoughts into words. I kept trying to form a sentence, but I couldn’t manage anything but garbled slurs. His call had taken me off guard, and the sheer sound of his voice had my giddiness at an all-time high.

“You still there?” he asked, and there was a soft laughter in his voice that made my knees a little too weak. I took a step backward and found the stairs. Giving into the weakness, I took a seat on the third step and nodded.

“Yeah,” I nervously licked my lips, “it’s… really you.”

“It’s really me.”

“You’re calling me,” I said, and even I could hear the disbelief in my voice.

“It’s your birthday,” he said. “I couldn’t possibly make it through the day without calling.”

“I thought you’d forgotten about me.”

“Never.”

“
Where are you
?” I sat straighter. “Where’ve you been? Are you safe? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Julie, really,” he said, almost laughing. “Please don’t worry about me.”

“Easier said than done,” I said. “I’ve been worried sick about you for months, Derek.”

He was silent for a few long seconds, so I assumed he was trying to figure out exactly what to say next. After a few deep breaths, he finally spoke again.

“I thought you’d understand,” he said, his voice a little shaky. “I had things I had to take care of, you know?”

“Well, are you done taking care of them?” I hoped I didn’t sound as desperate as I felt. “Are you coming home? I want to see you. I have so much to tell you.”

“Julie,” he said, “I told you that I had to put my past behind me.”

“I know, but—”

“I went to the state penitentiary. I went to visit Dad. I was there for a few days after I left Oakland.”

“And?”

It strange that I was so eager to learn why he’d gone to visit his father. Conan Milton was the last person I’d ever care to discuss, but if it meant something to Derek, it meant something to me. If he’d gone there, he obviously had good reasons for doing so.

“There were a lot of things I needed to say to him. There were unresolved feelings that had gone ignored for far too long.” He took a deep breath, and I closed my eyes. “I told him all about you, Julie. I told him the things he could’ve never imagined, the things he could never know. I told him about your beautiful soul, your adorable sense of humor, and the way you’d give your life for the people you love. I told him, down to the very last detail, what kind of beautiful, strong, confident young woman Stephen and Liz Little raised. I didn’t go there to declare myself your biggest fan, though I know it certainly sounds as though I did.” I managed a small laugh, but the laugh barely managed to mask my shock. “I went there, Julie, to tell him that he would never see or hear from me again, but I couldn’t walk away. I couldn’t leave without giving him one last reminder of the life he destroyed when he murdered your parents. He needed to know that he didn’t rob just anyone of their happiness; he took the happiness of the most loving, caring, deserving person I’ve ever known.”

Tears slid down my cheeks, and Derek let out a low sigh.

“You didn’t have to,” I swallowed hard. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“And then I went to see Hannah.”

“Hannah?” I felt my heart jump back into my throat. “You went to see your sister?”

“Briefly.”

“In Oakland?”

“Yes,” he said, “in February.”

“In
February
? Why didn’t you call?” I pushed a balloon away as it drifted in front of my face. “Why didn’t you come by?”

“I wanted to,” he said. “I wanted to surprise you. Then I remembered how much you hate surprises, and I didn’t want to give you another reason to resent me. I didn’t want to upset you, and I most certainly didn’t want to cause any problems.”

“You wouldn’t have caused a single problem, Derek,” I said. “You could’ve called.
I wish you would’ve
. Charlie wouldn’t have minded you visiting.”

“My beef’s not with Charlie.”

“Luke?” I asked. “You’re concerned about
Luke
?”

“Listen,” he said, obviously eager to blow past that subject as quickly as possible, “I’m out of time. I can’t stay on; I’m about to board a flight.”

“Where are you going?”

“I never lied when I said I needed to start over, Julie. I’ve mended all my broken relationships. I’ve forgiven my father, but he’s staying in the past where he belongs. I’ve stepped into Hannah’s shoes, and I’ve gone to my mother’s grave. I’ve put a lot of the terrible reminders behind me, but now it’s time to move forward. I’m finally in a place where I can start over and not feel guilty doing it. There are things I’ve wanted in my life that I’ve walked away from, dreams that I haven’t chased. I have to chase them, Julie. I don’t want to live a life of regrets.”

“You’re chasing your dreams?” I prayed that was exactly what he was doing. More than anyone I knew, Derek deserved to have what he wanted in life. He’d had so much, lost so much more than he’d had, and now it was time for him to start getting something in return.

“I have a one-way ticket to the rest of my life, Julie,” he said, and I could hear his smile radiating through the phone. “It’s all finally coming together.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

“Listen,” he said, “I really have to go now.”

“When will I talk to you again?” I asked. “Will you call?”

He didn’t answer. Several long minutes went by without a word.

I could still hear the faint rustling of noise in the background, so I knew he hadn’t hung up. It was only then that I realized that he wasn’t going to answer my question; this phone call was intended to be Derek’s closure on our friendship. He’d said goodbye to everyone else in his past, everyone else who’d served as a reminder of everything he’d lost. This call signified the end of everything we’d had, but he wasn’t admitting it out loud.

“Derek,” I whispered, and my eyes filled with tears, “I don’t know if you’ve hung up. But if you’re listening… if you’re there… you have to know something.” I managed a small chuckle, but only to fight off the oncoming tears. “You know how they say that you never really know just what you’ve got until it’s gone? Well,” I tried not to let go of my self-control as the tears cut loose and streamed down my cheeks and across my lips, “losing you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, and I’ve been through hell. I never imagined, not until you were gone, that losing someone could hurt so much. So, if this conversation is goodbye, then okay. I understand. I do. But before I hang up, and if you’re still listening, you just need to know one thing.” I swallowed hard, dropped my head, and took a deep breath. “I miss you.”

Wednesday, March 06 | 8:00 p.m.

“Happy birthday!”

Matt killed the lights as Charlie finished lighting the last of the eighteen candles.

“Make a wish, Pumpkin,” Charlie cheered as I leaned over the small cake he’d brought home from the bakery. I stared at each of the eighteen flames individually and held my breath. “Come on, kiddo,” Charlie said, “what are you waiting for?”

I thought about Luke. I considered all the time we’d spent together in the last six months. I thought about the first day I’d met him—how much I wanted to smack the stupid grin right off his face. I thought about all the arguments, all the fights, all the weeks he’d spent running from me. I took a moment to consider just how truly manipulative he’d become.