Just a Little (5-8) (9 page)

Then I remembered the good times: the way he first told me he loved me, the way my lips tingled at his touch, our first kiss, our second kiss… our third, fourth, fifth and sixth. Luke loved me; he protected me. He fought for my safety. I thought about the chemistry we shared, the way our bodies seemed as if they were made perfectly for one another. In so many ways, he was everything I’d ever wanted.

At eighteen, I could simply wish for a lifetime of love and happiness with him.

But then my mind drifted somewhere else…

I thought back to the day I’d first met Derek. I remembered the way he’d reprimanded me, accusing me of stealing his newspaper. I remembered the way he’d watched me from his window, the way he consoled me every time Luke broke my heart, which was much more often than not. I thought about his quirks, his goofiness, and all of the things that made him so loveable. I remembered his smile, but more than that, I remembered his pain. I always felt the way he ached at the pain his family had caused mine. He hated hurting me, but that never kept him from telling me the truth. He trusted me.

So, at eighteen, I could simply wish for my best friend to come home.

“Julie?” Matt asked. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I watched as the wax melted quickly beneath each flame, “I don’t know what to wish for.”

“Ah, it can’t be too hard, Pumpkin,” Charlie said. “Wish for what you want.”

I nodded, but only because there was no possible way to explain that I had no idea
what
I wanted. I’d never been so confused.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and extinguished the candles with one long blow. The smoke wafted from the wicks as Charlie and Matt clapped.

“So, what didja wish for?” Matt asked. “New car? A million dollars?”

“Clarity,” I took a long, deep breath.

“Clarity? What kind of cheapo wish is that?”

“It’s perfect,” Charlie pressed a kiss to the side of my head.

“Listen,” I said, looking between them, “this was all great. I love the cake, and the presents were amazing. You guys outdid yourselves. But I’ve had a long day, and I think I’m just going to turn in for the night.”

“Whatever you want,” Charlie said. “We’ll save the cake for tomorrow.”

With a hug and a kiss to both of them, I trekked up the back staircase and into my room. When I closed my door, kicked off my shoes, and threw myself back on the bed, I took a minute to praise myself for making the most adult decision in my life to date. I could’ve wished for anything back there, but I didn’t. I wished for the one thing that would help me move forward.

I turned and opened my eyes, staring over at the open window. The wind blew in, and it was just cold enough to justify shutting the glass. It was stuck, and I hadn’t been able to close it for days. Fortunately, the spring evenings hadn’t been unbearably cold, but there was something eerily uncomfortable about the chilliness in the air right then. Another gust came rushing in, this time forcing me to pull a blanket up under my chin. The cold forced me to take deeper breaths; it made me shiver to the bone. More than anything, that open window served as a reminder that comfort was just within reach; I only had to be cold as long as I chose to be. All I had to do was take a deep breath, find the strength to get up, and fight. If I truly wanted to make a difference, then I just had to stand up and do something about it.

I closed my eyes, determined to fall asleep despite the wind, but my cell phone chimed on my bedside table. My eyes snapped open, and I stared at the glowing screen.

One New Message

Derek

I stared at the screen for a moment, contemplating whether or not I wanted to know what the message said. After I’d spilled my guts earlier and told Derek I missed him, he never responded. He never answered, never gave me the satisfaction of knowing if he’d heard what I said. I guess at some point he just hung up. I couldn’t know whether or not he missed me, too, or if he had anything else left to say to me.

Now he was sending me a message, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I guess there was at least one thing he needed to say.

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the sharp, cold air, and I somehow summoned the courage to open the message.

Derek

I miss you, too.

I closed my eyes and let his four little words sink in.

As if I suddenly had all the strength in the world, I pushed back the covers, rolled out of bed, and walked across my bedroom—effortlessly closing that damn window once and for all.

CHAPTER FOUR

Thursday, March 07

“The man’s father killed your parents, Julie,” Matt slammed a vase on the counter. “How can you even give him a second thought?”

I should’ve known that telling Matt about Derek’s phone call and text message would be a mistake. Though he’d taken to Hannah very quickly when the Milton duo first arrived in Oakland, he’d never been Derek’s biggest fan. After the shooting that put Luke in the hospital, Matt was certain—just as certain as Luke, in fact—that Derek was worthless, dangerous, and a threat to my physical wellbeing and emotional stability.

“I wished for clarity, Matt,” I picked up a few stray petals that had fallen off his arrangement. “Doesn’t it seem a bit strange that his message came through
immediately
after I wished for everything to start making sense?”

“I don’t get what you’re saying here,” he pushed a folder of order forms aside. He wiped his hands down the front of his apron and shrugged. “What kind of clarity are you looking for?”

“Things have been so screwy lately,” I said. “Between Luke’s lies, your dishonesty with Charlie and Kara, and the things that Bruno discovered…” I trailed off because I didn’t want to discuss the DNA results with my cousin. Explaining that story meant giving in to more suspicions and accusations. Matt would be curious and want an explanation, and I just wasn’t in the mood to handle a game of twenty questions.

“Things Bruno discovered?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You mean the DNA test,” Matt said, “right?”

“How did you know?”

“Word gets around.”

“Luke,” I rolled my eyes. “Since when are you two so buddy-buddy?”

“Since always,” he said. “Luke’s been coming around since long before you came to town, Julie. He’s my friend.”

“Luke’s nobody’s friend but his own.”

“I know how he’s tied to Rebecca,” he said, almost as if he had a leg up on me in the race to the truth. “Why would he tell me if we weren’t friends?”

“He told
you
? I thought he said he’d
never
tell you.”

“Not while I was reporting back to you,” he said. “But I’m on Team Luke, not Team Julie. You’re the one who’s being sneaky and secretive, not him.”

“Wait a minute,” I held my hand up, “he told
you
—”

“All about Rebecca, Molly, his connection to both of them,” he looked back at the curtain separating the back office from the storefront. Turning back to me, he lowered his voice. “He doesn’t trust you with the truth, Julie, and you need to respect his decision to keep you out of the loop.”

“Since when are you on his side?” I yelled. “Matt, you said yourself that you thought he was up to something.
You’re
the one who’s been pulling for me to find out.”

“Julie,” Matt thumped his fist on the counter, “I’m not the enemy here. And neither is Luke, okay? He’s trying to protect the people he loves. If you love him like you say you do, you’d get on board and just accept that he can’t tell you everything.”

“It can’t be too big of a secret if he’s told you.”

“He’s my friend—”

“He was
my
boyfriend—”

“You didn’t trust him. You still don’t,” he said. “How can he be expected to trust
you
if you can’t show him the same respect?”

Point taken. I didn’t trust Luke, and I’d made that perfectly clear over the past few weeks. Was that why he’d been so hell-bent on keeping his secret? I didn’t trust him, so he didn’t trust me? That logic didn’t seem justifiable.

I had my reasons for not trusting him. He, however, had no reason to believe he couldn’t trust me. After everything he’d kept from me—the secrets about Derek’s disappearance, the way he’d secretly helped Matt find another job, and the sneaking around with Rebecca—I had every reason to think he was untrustworthy.

So why was everyone ganging up on
me
? Why did it seem like the only person on my side was Bruno?

“I’m leaving.”

“Tell Dad I’ll be home at ten.”

“No,” I took the door knob in hand, “I’m not lying for you anymore, Matt. If we’re not allies—if you’re jumping ship and joining Team Luke—you’re not going to reap the benefits of having my friendship. You need to tell Charlie you’re working two jobs, that you plan to propose to your seventeen-year-old girlfriend, and that you’ve been lying to him for weeks. Tell him, or I will.”

“Julie—”

“I needed you, Matt,” I turned back to him. “I needed you on my side, but you turned your back on me.”

“Don’t do this—”

“Screw you.”

I stepped outside and slammed the door behind me. I only made it halfway down the block before I heard the bell over the shop door ring and someone step out.

“I have nothing else to say to you, Matt,” I refused to look at him.

“Julie.” The voice wasn’t Matt’s. I turned to see Rebecca standing outside the shop, her shoulders slumped and her head hanging low.

“Matt’s just confused, okay?” she said as if she had some kind of right to talk to me. “He doesn’t know whose side to take. Quite frankly, no one should be taking sides, but I’m done trying to convince them to give it up.”

“I have nothing to say to you,” I clenched my teeth. It took every ounce of restraint I had to keep from pouncing her right then and there, but I had officially decided that Luke wasn’t worth the fight. Ripping Rebecca’s hair out might sound great in theory, but who would benefit from that?

“Listen, I know this must be hard—”

“Don’t act like you understand how I feel.”

“I know you’re suffering,” she took a step forward, “but all he wants is to protect the people he loves.”

“And he supposedly loved me,” I said. “Then
you
stepped into his life, and all of a sudden
I’m
the one who’s toxic!”

“Luke’s my brother,” she turned around to make sure no one else had heard her revelation. She took another step closer and kept her voice low. “And Molly, my daughter, is his niece.”

“Bull—”

“It’s true,” she said. “I came here to find my family, Julie.”

“No one knows you, Rebecca,” I said. “Lonnie and Grace, Luke’s own father and step-mother, had no idea who you were until the day you stepped into that shop looking for a job. Now you’re telling me that those people are your family? I don’t buy it.”

She lowered her voice to lessen the risk of being overheard. “Lonnie’s my biological father. He was married to my mother for six months shortly before I was born. One day he met someone else, Luke’s mother, and he left my mom. He left without so much as a goodbye. When Mom found out that she was pregnant, she didn’t contact him. She didn’t want him to know, to come crawling back. She knew he’d want to help, step up and do the right thing. He’d hurt her, and she was stubborn; she wanted nothing else from him.” She took a deep breath. “Lonnie didn’t know me because he never knew I existed.”

I watched her eyes fill with tears as she dropped her head to the ground. Her chest rose with heavy breaths; she fought not to let a single tear slip down her cheek.

“You came to Oakland to find the man who abandoned your mother?”

“I know it sounds crazy,” she said. “Lonnie left my mom. And who’s to say that he wouldn’t have done it even if he
had
known about me? But my daughter is six now, and my mother is dead. Luke… Lonnie… they’re the only family I have left. If there’s any chance that I can make this work with them, I have to. Molly deserves a family.”

A tear finally cut loose as she stood there, wounded and hurt.

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” I dropped my shoulders. “You
should
want to know your father.”

She nodded as if she was glad she had my approval, although my opinion shouldn’t have mattered one way or another. I couldn’t help but wonder if Rebecca had spent her whole life seeking approval from the people around her: family, friends, and strangers alike. Abandonment always landed hand-in-hand with a lot of emotional scarring; that was a fact I’d learned firsthand.

“I lost both of my parents,” I told her, but I imagined she already knew. “If I had a chance to see them again—if only for a day—there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make it happen. I know what it means to have that hole in your heart, that hole that only your parents can fill. I can’t relate to your situation as it is, but I
can
relate in my own twisted way. And I think you’re brave, Rebecca. It takes a special kind of person to chase ghosts.”

“I never meant to come between you and Luke,” she reached forward. Her gentle hand landed softly on my shoulder. “That was never my intention, Julie. When Grace gave me a job at the shop, and Lonnie introduced Luke as his son, it was the first I’d ever heard of having a brother. I went to Luke first thing. I thought he might be my ticket to getting closer to Lonnie.”

“Guess you learned otherwise?”

“I didn’t know just how damaged his relationship was with our father, and we’ve bonded over that. When I introduced him to Molly, I knew I’d made the right decision. Luke welcomed her with open arms; she took to him so fast. He showed her the love and compassion that she deserves.”

“Yeah,” I said, not doubting her for a second. Luke had it in him to be the most kind, caring, compassionate person in the world. He just had a very select group of people he showed that side to. Lately, and for reasons unknown to me, I was no longer in that group.

“I’m sorry, Julie. I know he’s been spending too much time with me and Molly, and he’s pushed you away. I’ve begged him to tell you the truth, but he’s so stubborn.”

“Don’t apologize,” I said. “I shouldn’t….” I took a deep breath and nodded, hoping she’d understand that I didn’t expect her to do her brother’s dirty work. “I shouldn’t have heard all of this from you, Rebecca. I’m glad you told me; I’m happy I finally know the truth, I really am. But the truth should’ve come from him. He didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I think that says more about our relationship than anything else. Luke and I were right in so many ways, but we were wrong in so many others.”

“He loves you.”

“I know,” I said. “But his lies, his dishonesty, it’s more stress than I have the patience to deal with. Truthfully, I’ve been a little short-circuited lately. So much has changed in such a small amount of time. This last year has undoubtedly opened my eyes to the brevity of life… and love. I just can’t deal with the games anymore; I’m not the kind of girl to sit around, and Luke’s not the kind of guy to chase. He thinks I’m toxic.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean—”

“It’s okay, really.”

“He’s sorry—”

“You don’t have to apologize for him,” I said. “He doesn’t even have to apologize for himself. I’m not looking to make up with him, Rebecca. I’ve closed that door. I don’t want someone in my life who thinks I’m poisonous. I don’t want to hold on to someone I can’t trust, or someone who can’t trust me. I don’t want to spend every day fighting for someone’s attention. As great as the good times are, I don’t want to fight like hell to get through the bad times. And fighting… God, that’s all we ever do. I know love isn’t easy, but it
has
to be easier than this. I just want someone who loves me, someone who’s honest with me, someone who misses me when we’re apart. I want to laugh; I want to be happy again. I want…”

She stared at me for a few long seconds as tears spilled onto my cheeks. She nodded as if she knew exactly what I was about to say.

“Oh my God,” I reached up and took the necklace in my hands, “I want Derek.”

“And that, Julie,” she pulled me into a hug, “is exactly what Luke’s been waiting for you to realize.”