Just a Little (5-8) (4 page)

CHAPTER FIVE

Saturday, February 23

It was a sleepless night.

Try as I might, I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned for hours as I replayed the past few weeks over and over in my mind. Luke and I had many exchanges over the past few months. It felt like we’d been through hell and back in less than a year. So much had happened, and through it all, he’d never once indicated that
I
was the source of his unhappiness.

Sure, I could frustrate the man without trying. And yes, I had a special way of bringing out his anger. But if Luke didn’t want to be with me, why would he have gone through the trouble of spilling his heart to Charlie? Why would he have risked so much, his life… for nothing?

It didn’t add up.

But I heard what I heard.

And I saw what I saw.

Kara showed up at the house first thing in the morning and demanded I come shopping with her. She went on and on about the need for a whole new wardrobe, but I had a feeling that her sudden need for retail therapy had more to do with
me
than
her
. Bless her heart; all she wanted was to help me get my mind off of Luke, but it was impossible. Just as we clocked our second hour at the outlet mall, I caught sight of Luke as he headed straight for us.

“I think you drunk-dialed me last night,” he said, his lip curving into a goofy smile. He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek as he cupped my elbow in his palm. “Can I steal you for a second?”

I looked up from the clothing rack and watched as Kara glared at Luke.

“Julie and I are having some girl time.”

“I just need a minute,” he smiled at her in a way that no woman could say no to. Kara nodded and walked away, but I noticed she remained in earshot. Luke bent at the waist to catch my eye. “Julie?”

“What?” I said, not daring to look at him.

“Look at me,” he whispered, leaning over to steal my gaze. “What’s going on?”

“Luke,” I dropped my head. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No,” he lifted my chin, “I checked my calls last night to find a voicemail from you rambling on about a load of nonsense.”

“Nonsense?” I asked, doing my best to keep my voice low. “Luke, that wasn’t nonsense. That was me telling you how I feel, me trying to communicate with you while
you
ignored me.”

“I wasn’t ignoring you.”

“I can’t even dignify that with a response,” I said, remembering the way he’d pushed his phone aside at the sight of my call.

“Julie,” he lowered his voice, “can we go somewhere and talk?”

“I don’t want to talk, Luke,” I pulled my arm from his grasp. “I wanted to talk last night when I called you. That was then, this is now. I just want to get back to shopping with Kara. I want to find a beautiful dress, one so overpriced that no one should ever buy it, try it on, take it home, and
forget
that you had the nerve to just come in here and interrupt the
one
day that I had
specifically
set aside
not
to see you. How did you even find me here, anyway? I told Charlie not to tell you—”

“I called Matt.”

“Of course,” I rolled my eyes.

His eyebrows pulled together as he watched me back away. “Julie—”

“I’m done, Luke,” I said. “I’m not gonna be one of those girls.”

“One of what girls?”

“One of those girls who everyone feels sorry for,” I said. “One of those girls whose friends watch her with sad eyes when her boyfriend breaks her heart; one of those girls who gets kicked around.”

“Who’s kicking you around?”

“You are, idiot!”

Luke’s eyes widened, and he took a step back. “Julie, can you stop talking for one second?”

“No,” I said, “I called you last night. And I know I said that I didn’t expect you to pick up, but I did.
Because you’ve been blowing me off for weeks!
I know you said that you wanted to take the time to reconnect with your dad, and I gave you that time. I didn’t interfere, not once. And when you finally made time for me, I was thrilled; that’s all I wanted. But you’ve given me
two hours
of your life out of the last
two months
. And you’ve given more of your time—
my
time—to someone else.”

“No, Julie, listen—”

“I’m done, Luke,” I shrugged my shoulders. “I should’ve listened to Charlie when he said I deserved more than you. I should’ve listened to Derek.”

“Julie, let me explain.”

“It’s over,” I put my hands up to surrender. “Maybe you don’t have room in your life for my
teenage drama
, but
I
don’t have room in
my
life for a liar.”

Monday, February 25| 3:00 p.m.

I made life a living hell for Charlie and Matt all weekend. This, of course, wasn’t intentional. I could be adult enough to admit that I wasn’t a pleasant person to live with after breaking things off with Luke. My biggest problem was that I just couldn’t be adult enough to stop
acting
like a child. I moped around the house, slammed doors, and mumbled in response to every question thrown my way.

“Alright,” Charlie stuck his head in my room, “if you slam this door one more time—”

“What?” I asked. “If I slam this door one more time…
what? You’ll threaten me?
Lock me up and throw away the key?” Charlie scrunched his brow. “Take my phone? Here, have it.” I threw it at the door. “I have nowhere to be, and no one to talk to, so good luck coming up with a punishment.”

“Julie,” he said, stepping in. He walked over to the bed, sat on the corner, and took my hands. “I’m not here to punish you, Pumpkin. I’ve tried talking to you all weekend, and you don’t want to talk. And that’s fine. But this attitude, this hatefulness, it has to stop.” He dropped his head to meet my stare. “What’s going on?”

“Why did you pair me with Luke?”

His eyes widened as if my question took him by surprise. “What do you mean, exactly?”

“When you told me I could put in my job shadowing hours at the station… I thought you were going to give me a desk job,” I said, “but you paired me with Luke.
Why?”

“It was an opportunity for valuable experience.”

“I didn’t need field experience, Charlie,” I said, “and
you knew that
. Dad taught me everything I cared to know about that job.”

“I thought it would help you.”

“No,” I stared at my feet, “you could’ve put me with anyone.
Why Luke
?”

“He was the best guy for the job,” he said. “He knew how much it meant to me.”

“Or?”

“What do you want me to say, Julie?” he asked. “I didn’t pair you together hoping you’d fall madly in love, okay? I needed someone to snap you back. You were an emotional wreck, disoriented. You and Luke had so much in common. I thought he could help you.”

“Well, he didn’t help me,” I stared at my lap. I did my best to restrain the tears that were stinging my eyes, but with Charlie sitting so close to comfort me, I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

“And
that
right there—those tears, Julie—is exactly why I regret introducing the two of you.” Charlie rested his hand on my back. “I should’ve known better.” I cried harder, and Charlie tightened his grip on me. “I don’t understand what happened, Julie. Two months ago, you were ready to give up everything for him. What changed? What did he do?”

“Why do you assume
he
did something?” I asked through tears. “How do you know it wasn’t my fault?”

“Okay, what did
you
do?”

“I don’t know,” I threw my head in his lap. For the next ten minutes, my tears soaked his pants legs. He held me, rocking me back and forth. I was the daughter he never had—and probably never wanted because of episodes just like this—but he coddled me anyway.

“I, uh…” Charlie drifted off into a slur. He sat me up and turned to me, keeping a firm grasp on my hands. “I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but you need to talk to him.”

“I can’t; I told him to leave me alone.”

“Julie,” he said, “there are many things I’ve come to believe in my lifetime, and a few of those things I’ve come to know for certain. And, well, Trigger’s as stubborn as they come. If you’re waiting on your knight in shining armor to come to his senses, scale the tower walls and rescue you, you’ll go to your grave waiting.”

“But—”

“Luke will protect you when you’re in need. He’d die to keep you safe, Julie; I don’t think you need reminding of that. But he will
always
, and I mean
always
, operate as a bodyguard, not a prince.” He pointed to his head. “Luke’s not programmed to chase. He doesn’t play games.”

“If that’s what you think, then you don’t know Luke at all.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because you say he doesn’t play games, but if you knew half the things I know—”

“Things you know?” he asked. “Or things you
think
you know?”

I looked down at my feet again. At that moment, Charlie reached over and took my necklace in his fingers.

“You had your chance to take the easy route, Julie. You had a man throwing himself at you, waiting for you. He would’ve chased you, yes.
He
would’ve been your prince. He wouldn’t have let you slip away knowing he still had options. He would’ve stopped at nothing to make you happy.” He finally dropped my necklace and it landed softly against my skin. “You didn’t choose Derek; you chose Luke. And choosing Luke came with its own set of struggles, Julie. I warned you about that. I tried to warn you
away
from it. But you wanted him, and you refused to listen to reason.”

“I didn’t think he’d break my heart.”

“You need to understand what kind of man you ran after.” He swallowed hard and sat straighter. “When Trigger’s told to stand down, he stands down. He’s not going to chase you, no matter how long you wait. If you want to be with him, you have to go after him.
You
have to initiate that first move. That’s the
only
way this relationship will ever work.”

Friday, March 01

“Hello?”

The sound of his voice startled me.

It shouldn’t have;
I
called
him
. Isn’t that what people are supposed to do, answer their calls?

“Hello?” he asked again. “Julie? Are you there?”

“Luke,” I cleared my throat, “sorry, I was just going to leave a message. I didn’t think you’d answer.”

The line went quiet, but I could still hear the faint sound of his breathing on the other end.

“I won’t keep you,” I finally said. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Can we meet somewhere?” he asked. His voice carried the slightest hint of desperation.

Another minute went by and I didn’t answer.

“I don’t want to fight with you, Julie. I’m driving myself crazy.”

“Sure,” I said. “When can you fit me in?”

“The sooner the better. Now, if you can swing it. There’s a lot I need to say to you.”

“Like?” He took another deep breath, but didn’t answer. “Should I worry?”

“No,” he let out a long breath, “you weren’t wrong when you accused me of lying to you, Julie; I did. I lied. And you have every right not to trust me.”

“Luke—”

“I wasn’t being honest with you. And I need to see you. I need to tell you everything, Jules—beginning to end.”

“You’ll tell me everything,” I repeated, but it wasn’t a question.

There was something unsettling about the way his words sounded.
Everything
. What did he mean?
Everything
?

Sorry Julie, I cheated on you?

Sorry Julie, I never loved you?

Sorry Julie, I never want to see you again?

“Meet me at the District Café,” I tried not to read much more into what he’d said. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”

The five minute walk through Oakland was the longest trip of my life. Everything he’d said still weighed heavily on my mind. After all we’d been through, hadn’t Luke learned by now that honesty was the key to making this relationship work? He’d spent so long running from me, from his feelings. When he’d finally confronted them, vocalized them, and allowed himself to be a little vulnerable, things started falling into place. Then he snapped right back into his shell of secrecy.

I lied.

About what? I should’ve asked.

I’ll tell you everything.

Great! But what’s that mean, exactly?

The heaviness settling in my stomach made me question whether or not I really wanted to know what
everything
really meant. What if it was monumental? What if it would change the way I looked at him for the rest of my life? What if… what if he closed the door on everything we were meant to have?

Luke sat at a corner table in the back of the café. Still in his uniform after a long day on patrol, he stood as I approached. He helped me with my chair and then reclaimed his seat.

“Can I get you—”

“I don’t want anything,” I hoped he’d just cut straight to the point. I had no interest in making small talk over coffee while he drummed up the nerve to tell me why he’d asked to see me.

“You should take off your coat,” he nodded at a nearby fireplace. “You might get warm.”

“I think I’ll keep it on,” I said, having no idea how long I’d be there, or how fast I’d want to flee if I didn’t like what he had to say. I leaned forward and rested my hands on the table. “Let’s do this, Luke. You said you were going to tell me everything. What’s that mean?”