Just F*ck Me! (4 page)

Wrong time: When she’s in grungy clothes and cleaning or organizing anything in the house. Stay away.

Wrong time: After your boys’ night out. She’s going to think you saw some hot chick and got all randy.

Toss-up: After her night out with the girls. If it was a bitching session, she’s feeling the sister love and will not want to be manhandled by you. But, the bitching session might remind her why she loves you so much, and she’ll want you to be the big man in her life and whisk her into the bedroom. Also, she might have been prowling around with her girls and is feeling gorgeous and sexy, and will want to be ravished by you. You’re going to have to feel this one out on your own.

Right time: This one works if you’re a bit shy. When you’re in the house together, doing something together, you can start talking about how much you love it when you do whatever it is you’re doing – but from a passionate perspective. This is a way to let a romantic notion become the impetus for a passionate, assertive move on your part. Talk about how much it turns you on that you’re this great couple that’s solid, and you love how much you can depend on that, and how nothing turns you on more than when you’re doing things together in the house, because it makes you think about growing old with her … you get the idea. Take her in your arms, be passionate, and be all man as you whisk her away to the bedroom. Sounds weird, I know, but it taps into the true alpha male vibe we love. (Something about you being the manly man provider who loves home and hearth.)

Wrong time: After you’ve had any kind of relationship discussion, argument or disagreement of any kind. She’s going to see it as a power move, and not the kind that turns her on! Or, she’ll see it as your way of apologizing, and she’ll complain that sex doesn’t solve everything.

Do you get the idea here? The right times are when you are on the same wavelength, are communicating well and are feeling that spark of true love for each other. The wrong times are when you’re misreading her vibes, not aware of what she might be thinking, or while the air is still thick with disagreement.

By initiating a bit of spontaneous sexual activity – whether it’s a hot make-out session, oral pleasure or full-on intercourse – you’re able to show some sexual assertiveness to which she will definitely respond. What you need to watch out for is
how
.

If she rejects you outright, laugh it off and joke about how you’ll get her later, or that she’s all yours in bed tonight. Make an alpha male comment – now is not the time to apologize like you’ve done something seriously wrong.

If she lets you lead her, but she doesn’t seem over-enthusiastic, she’s “giving you” sex. It’s something that women do sometimes; we know that men have different needs, and approach sex from a different point of view. Therefore, there are times we’re phoning it in because we know you’re simply responding to a sexual need.

I know that little bombshell may come as a surprise to some of you guys, but for the overwhelming majority of women, it rings very true. Don’t dwell on it; but recognize the signs, because it will tell you if your partner is misreading your attempts at assertiveness.

Finally, if she franttically undresses and is grabbing at your clothes and has a monster of an orgasm – she’s into it, and you should keep the spontaneous vibe going and add to it with some dominating moves (which we’ll go over in a later section of this book).

When you are on the same wavelength, both of you will be much more open to trying new things – and not too upset if they don’t turn out as titillating as either of you had hoped. We’ll talk more about rejection below, but for now I want to get onto that second thing – the one I said might be the most difficult thing you’ve ever tried.

It requires me giving away one of “our” secrets!

You know that moment, oh, I don’t know, about 30 seconds before you’re about to have an orgasm? When your thrusts get that much deeper, that much harder, that much faster? When your mind falls off a cliff into oblivion?

Well, we love that part. And if your girl wants you to get rough, those 30 seconds are your window of opportunity to find out.

You see, we know you kind of lose it during that time. And if you want to be a bit rough – if you want to pull her hair, or smack her ass, or grab her breasts particularly hard, she’s going to let you do it in that moment if she has an ounce of love for you in her heart.

They key is, though – and this is the hard part – is to see how she reacts. Does she let you do what you’re doing because she knows what’s coming, no pun intended? Or does she whole-heartedly join in, grabbing you and gritting her teeth and maybe biting you a bit? Does she have an instant orgasm right along with you? If it’s the latter, you have a green light to talk to her about experimenting with assertiveness.

*** *** ***

When trying tactics like the ones above, or any other experimentation in the bedroom, there is bound to be some level of rejection, no matter how small. This is perfectly normal, and should not be taken as a reflection on you or your skills as a lover.

Even when you choose the right time and you’re feeling the love, you still might be rejected outright. Hey, women are like snowflakes, remember?

But the fear of rejection can be a powerful motivator to do absolutely nothing – and that’s the worst. Don’t let your fear of rejection keep you from making what you feel is a bold, assertive move – from reaching over and kissing her, to being her dream man in the bedroom.

The most important thing here is that you only do what feels comfortable for you. Confidence in the bedroom is key – and if you’re trying out a whole bunch of wacko stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable, weird or at all unlike yourself, she’s going to sense that and close up like a clam. Literally.

The thing to keep in mind, in order to keep that confidence high, is that what happens in the bedroom is about your mutual pleasure. They don’t call it “making love” just to be cheesy and embarrass you. For loving couples, sex of every stripe is the expression of the love you feel for each other. There’s no need to hide from that. Sex is as natural as anything else on this earth, and your confidence in that fact will help you by leaps and bounds when you’re getting it on.

Also, when your confidence is high, you’re going to be more relaxed with your partner. When you’re more relaxed, you’re going to be more in tune with what she wants, and less worried about it – which is good, since worrying will get you exactly nowhere.

WHERE COMMUNICATION COMES INTO PLAY

Once you’ve tried out some of your more assertive moves during sex, it’s a good idea to see how she feels about it, and most importantly, to ensure she’s being honest with you. Communication is crucial when it comes to this kind of sexual experimentation. Even if your girl wants it bad, it can come with a lot of mental and emotional baggage. So to make it work in the bedroom, some things have to be addressed
outside
the bedroom.

But you don’t want it to be like you’re having an operational debriefing! Keep the excitement and the passion alive, even when you’re talking about it. If she’s really not into it, you’ll know soon enough.

And if she’s not really into it, talk about it as openly as you can, and be understanding. Even when it was her idea; even if it seemed like she enjoyed it at the time, she might be uncomfortable after she’s thought about it a bit. Your job is to provide a safe, comfortable environment in which she can talk about how she feels.

And being supportive is important, too. She might not know how to express herself, so ask gentle questions that can kind of lead her through what she’s thinking.

Communication while you’re in bed is a tricky thing, but it can go far.  There is something about combining communication with passion that can get the message across to each other in a way a “normal” conversation can’t.

For example, say you’ve agreed to experiment with some assertive control. If you’re both on the same wavelength, there can be a real give and take that can be actually quite exciting; a bit of, “You like that? You want it rougher, baby? You want me to call you a slut, is that what you want?” Can be replied to by a “Yes, yes, YES!” or an equally breathless and hot “No, give it to me slow now, Sugar. Nice and smooth,” or “Tell me you love me, tell me I’m your baby.”

I hope that example didn’t make you nervous! Let’s backtrack a moment and talk about what exactly sexual assertiveness is all about – and more importantly, what it isn’t.

Right off the bat, I’ll tell you that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with physical abuse. Not one thing. Nor is it about being an asshole. Instead, it is about taking control and calling the shots in the bedroom.

Now, within that framework, there is a lot of room for interpretation. It can mean anything from simply being the one who initiates sex, to telling your partner exactly what you want to do to her or what you want her to do to you, to spanking, biting and hair-pulling. It’s all a matter of degrees, and it all depends on what you as a couple are comfortable doing. Not everyone has to swing from the chandeliers!

One more thing it isn’t: BAD or WEIRD. Sex, and all sexual activity, is comprised of a powerful dynamic between you and your partner. To experiment with sexual assertiveness is a perfectly natural thing to do, as it shows you are observing that dynamic and wanting to explore your boundaries.

Likewise, as we have gone over previously, there are many, many reasons why your partner wants you to be more sexually assertive.

Once you come to terms with this dynamic, your next step is to overcome any shyness you have, or any fear you have of being assertive, and to go ahead and come out of that shell and show your lady you’re all man!

OVERCOMING SHYNESS

So, let’s talk about overcoming that shyness of yours.

It’s perfectly OK to be shy when it comes to sex. There are many perfectly normal reasons why.

• You might not love the way your body’s looking right now.
  
• You’ve been feeling unconnected with your wife or girlfriend.
  
• You’re not sexually experienced.
  
• You had a bit of equipment malfunction recently, and you are afraid it’ll happen again.
  
• Something embarrassing happened the last time you had sex.
  
• It’s been a while since you two have gotten it on.
  
• You’re distracted by work stress, relationship tension, or maybe you’re not getting along with a friend.
  
• You really want to have sex, but you’re not getting the “please jump me” vibe from your better half.