Just F*ck Me! (6 page)

Meanwhile, you feel like you’re the one doing all the work, because although he knows your body well and makes you feel great, he’s still not touching that part of your sexuality that sends you into the stratosphere.

What your man lacks, and what the bad boys of this world have, use and abuse, is the alpha male touch.

What is an alpha male? He is all man. He knows what he wants, and he’s not afraid to get it. He calls the shots. And he knows how to make you feel like a woman. An alpha male is not an asshole, nor does he disrespect women.

The problem is, your man is not going to magically become an alpha male. He’s not psychic! And when you have been in a relationship for a while, it can be terribly awkward to suddenly do something drastically different within the boundaries of that relationship.

The good news is, though, that he can be the man you need him to be in the bedroom. He just needs a little direction to get him going. The key is communication – both verbal and non-verbal.

Before you broach this subject, however, you have to know how to define exactly what it is you’re looking for. Let’s see if we can figure it out together.

Some women want simply to have their men call the shots in bed. They want to feel like the man has the control, because it makes them feel more feminine. There can be something very seductive, and even titillating, about a man who knows exactly what he wants from a woman.

Other women like alpha males in their beds because they want to feel, even if it’s just for those moments, like a sexual object. They’re tired of proving they’re worthy because of their brains or their power plays at work; they want to be worshipped for the goddesses they are!

An even more intense level to which women want to take their desires is that of “rough sex.” While this in no way constitutes abuse, there can be some spanking, dirty talk, hair-pulling, clothes torn off or the old slamming-up-against-a-wall-and-having-sex-standing-up situation. They want to feel the hot passion that comes with a man ravishing them.

Another, more psychological motivator behind this desire to be “man-handled,” in whatever way is best for you, can come from a need to be absolved of all responsibility for the pleasure you feel.

We women grow up with the phrase, “be a good girl” burned into our brains from a very early age. A lot of times, it’s used as an admonishment when we’ve been acting out.

Then, as we get older, the phrase takes on a whole new meaning – and it’s a sexual one. Being a “good girl” can mean dressing a certain way so as not to appear too slutty; not provoking boys, or being too aggressive; waiting to date, or make out, or as we get of age, have sex.

And, now that we are women, this mindset is still reinforced by every possible corner of our society. Even “Sex and The City,” for all the talk about liberating the female sexually, still presented sex as something to be giggled over, and many of the ladies’ conversations were about the worry of wanting “too much” in bed, or about appearing too slutty.

So, it will come as no surprise that so many women feel that they shouldn’t have too much pleasure during sex, or that if they demand what they want it will be misinterpreted in a myriad of ways: that they’re slutty, or pushy, or have “a lot” of (i.e. too much) experience. This can be threatening to men, and cause other women to revile them.

We’ve learned to sit back and take it, so to speak.

Another facet of this same theory is the widely held opinion – no matter how wildly off the mark it is – that women who have been sexually abused or raped were in some way “asking for it,” or that they secretly enjoyed it in some way. It’s a dark place, psychologically, where no woman wants to go.

We don’t want to have that fight in our mind, no matter how delicious it might be at the time, about the struggle between wanting pleasure and wanting to be “a good girl.” We feel guilty about going after pleasure, and we feel ashamed after having sought it.

But by “giving in” to an alpha male who controls the sexual agenda within the confines of a healthy relationship, we are liberated from these thoughts and fears. When you are with an alpha male, you feel you have been given permission to show pleasure. After all, it’s not your fault – he’s the one who’s making you get all hot and bothered!

As you can imagine, that can be an uncomfortable responsibility for a man to take on. And, think about how they were raised: be nice to girls, no means no, sexual harassment worries, date rape. Their relationships with women, even non-sexual relationships, have become veritable mine fields of feared missteps or misinterpreted conversations.

So, here you are on the one side with these desires, which come from a complicated place in your heart and mind, and you don’t want to talk about these desires for fear of being labeled as something you’re not; and on the other side is your man, who loves you and cherishes you and never wants to do you any harm or assert in any way that you are anything less than equal, but who wants to please you sexually.

I’m sure by now you’re thinking, “Forget it! That’s a conversation I don’t want to have. Ever.” You’re cringing, aren’t you, with the thought of how awkward it will be?

Don’t worry. I understand that initial reaction, but the truth is that it doesn’t have to be awkward, contentious or even all that formal. There are many ways, both verbally and non-verbally, that you can let your partner know that you would like him to be more assertive when it comes to your sexual relationship.

HOW TO LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY DESIRE

To get him to the point where he is calling all the shots in the bedroom, you’re going to have to do a little bit of calling the shots yourself, even though some of it might seem a bit of a roundabout method.

First, determine for yourself what it is you want. Once you and your partner get into the groove, so to speak, you’ll know what feels right and what doesn’t, so trust that instinct; but, for starters, you should probably have some idea of what would be too much, or not enough.

You really shouldn’t start anything that involves his assertiveness until you fully understand what excites you, why it excites you and what you need for him to do to get you to that point.

For example, do you want him to seem like an authority figure? Do you want to take directions from him, and be told exactly what to do to him, or to yourself, and you simply do what he says?

Or, do you want a bad boy? Do you want someone who smacks your ass, calls you names and does dirty, dirty things to you?

How about a manly-man to flip you around, bend your body in ways you never knew it could, and be put in your place, so to speak.

Then there is always the romantic alpha male – the one who literally whisks you off your feet with no warning, throws you on the bed and makes your every sexual wish come true.

It’s really up to you. At this point, you literally only are limited by your imagination. There is nothing off limits. You have to discover exactly what that desire is all about.

Once you know, now you’re off to the races. Let’s go over some tips for introducing the idea of your man being more assertive in the sex department.

Showing, not telling, is a good way of getting to the point of talking about it, or at least to warm him up to the idea. An awful lot of good stuff can happen in the heat of the moment, and by introducing some rougher elements during your usual lovemaking you can open up the door to more assertiveness, especially if it takes him by surprise.

This can include a variety of actions, which you can do or you can prompt him to do. For example, when you’re in the house, grab him, push him toward a wall and pin him there with a long, deep, passionate kiss.

You can start in on some dirty talk, although this doesn’t have to be a full dirty conversation – at least at first! You can begin with something as simple as making him say your name. Then you can move onto almost anything that sets you ablaze. It’s best if you start the talk, though, and then ask him to respond or to repeat something you’ve said.

Additionally, it’s better if you sound kind of like a porn star when doing this. A bit breathless is good, a little bit of a moan here and there. Lots of “baby” and “making me hot” thrown in there can go a long way.

Then, when he’s become comfortable with the level of discourse, shall we say, you want to move into giving direction. If you’re doing it doggie-style, you can tell him to spank you. Tell him to hold you down. Tell him to give it to you harder. If a guy thinks he has a good chance of really seeing you explode into ecstasy, he’ll take the direction like Pavlov’s dog, as long as it’s not too far out there at first.

A combination of showing and telling is also good. Say you want him to pull your hair; you can pull on his, then say, “You like that? Yeah? No? That’s what I want you to do to me. Pull my hair, yeah, just like that.”

Another good tactic to try is to get him really hot and bothered with a lot of teasing and then lie back and say, “Have your way with me” or “Do with me what you will.” If you make him hungry enough and then let him have free reign, he’ll be all about the alpha maleness at that point.

However, examples like these, at least in the beginning stages, all have to do with you giving direction. And while that can be empowering, in the end, you really want him to take over and be the assertive one who comes up with all these ideas on his own.

The way to make that transition is to talk about what you’ve already been doing in the bedroom once you’ve started introducing these more aggressive elements yourself. However, this does not have to be a governmental debriefing! Make it hot, and he’ll respond with exactly what you need from him.

THE ALL-IMPORTANT VERBAL CUES

Post-coital conversations are a good place to start talking. Recall the specific things he did to you – even if they were prompted by you – and reinforce how much they turned you on. If you feel like this might be awkward, pretend to yourself that you’re describing your favorite parts of your favorite film, or a really delicious part of a wonderful meal you have had.

To further reinforce this, you can send text messages or emails at random times: “Still thinking about that spanking! Yummy!” Or, you can set up a dirty date between the two of you, and say that he can have his way with you tonight. Again, little messages are good for relaying this, as talking it to death is going to make the two of you too self-conscious to be able to enjoy it.