Just One More Breath (13 page)

When
my mom hugged Nicole she too had instructions. “Get my number from Shawn and text me tomorrow morning when you’re up and ready for company. Alright, sweetheart?”

She planted a kiss on her cheek. “Yes, ma’am.”

I embraced my parents as they wished us a safe trip home. We sat in the car for a few minutes before I started the engine. “How was that? Were they too much?” I asked.

“No, absolutely not
. I really liked both of them. You heard us. Your mom and I have plans tomorrow,” she said with a grin.

I
enjoyed the look on her face and continued staring into her eyes. “My mother is quite smitten with you. I think she may have just dubbed you her new best friend.”

Nicole’s smile got wider. “I like her
, too.”

I
reached over and gave her hand a quick squeeze. “That’s good.”

I
was about to push the key in the ignition but Nicole stopped me. “There’s one more thing I want to say before we head off.”

My
eyebrows knitted together. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, but I think you should go back to work tomorrow. You’ve been home literally nursing me back to life for the last month. I think it’s time we start introducing some normalcy back into the equation.”

“I wanted to do this, Nicole, and I’ve been getting work done. It’s not like I’ve just been in your house all day doing nothing.”

“I know, but you can’t work from my house every
day for the rest of your life. So I think tomorrow is a good day to start trying to get back into your pre-babysitting-Nicole way of life,” she said.

“There will be no more pre
-Nicole routine. I plan on being a part of your life forever, lady. So get used to me,” I whipped back at her.

“Hmmm, you say that now. But when the ladies come offering up the goodies again
, you will drop me like a bad habit.” Nicole smirked at me, trying her best to sound sarcastic.

“For the record, the ladies haven’t stopped offering their goodies to me. I chose not to take them
up on their offers. I chose and preferred to spend time with you. I’ve been with you the last four weeks and haven’t once thought about any girls
nor
their goodies. I know you heard stories about me, and have unfortunately witnessed a bit of it. But would you please stop throwing them in my face? Just accept the friendship that I’m offering Nicole…please?” Her words hurt me and I was sure she could tell.

“Sorry
, Shawn,” she said guiltily.

I
didn’t respond. I simply started up the engine and pulled away from the curb.

Nicole

Watching Shawn as he got ready for work brought a dull pain to
my chest. He had been my main source of company for the last month. Sure Zena had called and texted me every day, plus we’d had our IHOP meet yesterday, and I’d spoken to my mother regularly since my phone was reactivated, but he was the only person I actually saw. Shawn slipped his shoes on and walked over to the kitchen island where I was sitting. He was wearing the hell out of a black pinstriped suit, with a crisp white shirt underneath, no tie, and the top button open. I remembered our female friends going absolutely nuts when he would come to an after-work gathering dressed like that. I forced my eyes away from his suit and pulled them up to meet his gaze. In his eyes I saw that he was still unsure about leaving me today.

"Are you sure you will be okay today? I can call and tell my boss I will work from home for another week."

I forced a fake smile onto my face and nodded. "Yes, yes I’m sure. If I’m feeling down, I will text you. I promise."

That seemed to appease him a little bit. "Good, call and text me as much as you want today
," he insisted.

"I will."

"My mom will be here any minute."

"I know, she texted me and told me she was on her way.
She also told me that as of today I am to call her Mama Burns," I told him with a smile.

H
e smiled back and we stood at the front door in an awkward silence. He stared silently at me as I tried my best not to scream,
"Don't go please! Stay here with me! I need you!"

Shawn narrowed his eyes at
me, as if he was willing me to show him how I really felt. I broke our eye contact and walked over to the refrigerator to pour myself a glass of juice that I really didn't want. The bell rang and Shawn’s mother appeared at the door. He walked over to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead before he let his mother in.

Mama Burns was standing with a huge grin on her face and a huge bag on her shoulder. Her eyes lit up with pride when she saw her son standing all dapper and ready for work.

"Oh, Shawn you look like a knockout in that suit."

His cheeks turned a light shade of
pink, which surprised me because I knew women complimented Shawn on his looks all the time.

"Thanks
, Mom." He gave her a big hug and turned toward me. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the door with him. He stood on the lower step, bringing us eye-to-eye and he rested his hands on my hips, making me feel tingly.

"Remember…
text me anytime you need me."

I
nodded. “I’m serious, Nic. Call me one hundred times today if you need me.”

His body slightly pressed up against me as he spoke, and I suddenly couldn’t remember the topic at hand.

“I will,” sounded like the safest answer.

H
e backed away, winked, and pressed a kiss to my forehead, and then he was gone. Leaving me feeling cold and bereft.

I took a few
moments to gather myself before I walked back into the house. Mama Burns was unpacking her bag and it looked like she brought everything she needed for all of the cooking and baking we had planned for today. I grabbed some champagne to add to my orange juice to make Mimosas and we sat at the island and began sipping.

Mama B
urns eyed me every few seconds.  "So, how do you feel today?"

I
wasn’t really sure what she was talking about. "Is this a general question? Or do you mean as far as Shawn going back to work?"

"Both
," Mama Burns replied.

"Well, I knew Shawn would have to go back to work sooner or later, so I’m
fine with that. As far as in general, I honestly don't even know. I don't remember what it feels like to be happy."

It was q
uite a deep conversation for eight thirty in the morning, but she’d asked, and for some reason, I felt very comfortable speaking candidly to her.

“Shawn told me that you lost your only child in an accident. My heart breaks for you
, sweet girl.” She pulled me into her side and my eyes began to glass over. Then she made a startling confession to me.

“I know the pain of losing a child, I know how deeply it breaks you
, and I know that the pain never ever fully leaves you."

I
looked at her with a confused expression. "Shawn never mentioned anything about losing a sibling to me."

"That’s because we never told our sons. Between my pregnancies with Mark and Matthew
, and Shawn and Shane, I had a premature baby girl. She was born at twenty-seven weeks; I spent every moment I could at the hospital with her…praying and hoping she would survive. She lived for thirty days before she passed.” A tear slipped out of her eye and I grabbed her hand. "Her name was Samantha." Mama Burns’s voice cracked at she uttered the name of her lost baby.

With those words
, I began to cry. Not only for Mama Burns and myself, but also for mothers everywhere who have the unfortunate knowledge of the unbearable pain that comes with losing a child. Whether it is a baby, pre-teen, teen, or fully-grown adult. I took a deep breath before I spoke. "My son’s name was Jax. He was ten, and died in a drowning accident when he went out with his dad."

Her motherly
arms wrapped around me tighter and she rocked me from side to side.

"I beat myself up every
day about the way things happened that day," I admitted softly.

"Nicole, none of this was your fault
. You can't beat yourself up about something you had no control over,” Mama Burns insisted.

I
shook my head vigorously. "No, you don’t understand…it was my fault. I knew. My motherly instinct told me not to send Jax with his dad that day.” I tried to swallow the lump rapidly forming in my throat, and then I continued. “After they left, I had this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I ignored it. I’d never gone against my gut when it came to my baby. Ever. And the one time I did, he died." My tears soaked through her shirt and I felt her tears dampening my hair.

"Nicole, you have to let that go. It is on
e hell of a burden to carry around," Mama Burns said softly into my hair.

"I can’t
. I should've stood up to his father and because I didn’t, my child died. My only child died because his father was too busy chasing his new girlfriend to properly supervise my baby. It's all my fault," I cried.

"No
, it's not, Nicole. We can’t control these things. You need to stop blaming yourself and grieve your child with a clear heart. Let go of that burden, baby."

My
once strong voice turned into a whisper. "I don't know if I can," I admitted.

Mama Burns squeezed
me tighter. “You can, sweet girl. The loss of a child is something that no mother ever gets over; no matter what age the child is when they pass. But you just have to hold on, sweetie, be strong and know that you will be able to live. You are a strong, beautiful girl. Pray to God or whomever you believe in and ask him for strength. Cry whenever you want to cry. Talk about him whenever the urge hits and never ever let anyone make you feel bad about grieving your son.” She looked at my face and gently brushed my tears away.

“Thank you
, Mama Burns…I really needed to hear that,” I said appreciatively.

We
held each other and cried for a few more minutes. Someone looking in from the outside would be unable to tell who was consoling whom.

Shawn

As much as
I hated to admit it, I desperately wanted Nicole to stop me from going to work today. I was trying to telepathically ask her to stop me from walking out the door, but in the end, she showed me that she was whole lot stronger than I was. My coworkers were really excited to have me back; too bad I didn't share their enthusiasm. I glanced at my cell phone every few minutes; I wanted to make sure I saw a new message if one appeared from Nicole. But by one thirty, there still weren't any. My mother gave me strict instructions not to bother them with phone calls, so I fought the urge to check in on Nicole.

My
work email pinged and I opened it quickly. I had some crazy thought that it could somehow be from Nicole, but to my disdain it was from Brooke. One would think she’d received the hint by now. I hadn’t returned any of her numerous calls or texts since our conversation at the bar.

When
I clicked open the untitled email I was greeted by a picture of her crotch
covered
in a pair of pink-laced panties with the words:

"We miss you… anytime you want us… you know where to find us."
written under it. At that moment I became painfully aware of how long it had been since I’d had sex. Not only was this the longest I’d gone without intercourse, it was also the longest I had gone without cleaning my pipes.

My thoughts were interrupted by a phone call from my twin brother.

“Hello?”

"Hey
, stranger," Shane said.

"Hey
. How are you?” I replied.

"I’m good
, man. What about you? Mom told me that you were helping a friend…and Mark told me you were on some island having orgies all day every day. Who was right?" Shane asked in a serious tone.

I
couldn’t help but laugh at Mark’s nonsense. "Mom."

Shane made a whistling noise in the back of his throat. "So
, who's this girl?"

"
My friend Nicole, from college. Her kid died a few months ago."

"
I remember hearing you talking about her. Her kid died? Shit. That sucks," Shane replied.

"Yeah it doe
s." I heard the sound of a truck passing by and realized that Shane wasn’t at work. “Dude, where the hell are you?” I asked.

"I’m parked outside of Mari’s mother
’s house she went inside to pick something up then we are headed out to brunch.” I had to muffle a groan of anguish. I seriously disliked that girl. I decided to ignore that bit of information for the time being. "Brooke emailed me today. She sent me a pic and an open invitation to come see her."

"And what's the problem?" Shane asked.

"I don't know…something about it seems…wrong. Like I’m betraying Nicole," I replied.

"How are you betraying her? Are you guys sleeping together?"

"No, we haven't even kissed," I said.

"I’m confused
," Shane muttered.

"So am I
. That's why I’m talking to you about it," I said with a hint of annoyance.

"It
’s simple, Shawn. Are you in any way romantically involved with Nicole?" Shane asked.

"Nope…just friends."
For some reason, I felt like I had lied to both my brother and myself after I said that.

"Do you want to sleep with Brooke?"
Shane asked.

"I want to sleep with someone
. I haven't gotten laid in a month."

“That’s not what I asked you
, Shawn. Do you want to sleep with Brooke?” he repeated.

“No
,” I answered simply.

“Well then, I think you’ve answered a few questions with that simple
word.”

He was right
. I really needed to figure things out between Nicole and me.

“Thanks
, baby bro.”

Shane chuckled
. He always found it amusing that I called him my little brother. "Anytime, man."

"I have something to say and I don't want you to get mad.
I wouldn’t be your big brother if I didn’t do this. Are you sure you want to go through with this wedding?” I knew this conversation was about to take a dramatic turn. Apparently Shane did too, because he let out a frustrated sigh.

“Yes
, Shawn. I do. Why is it so hard for you to believe that Mari is the woman for me?”

I
could hear the anger building in Shane’s voice. But I kept on pushing.

“Shane
, I’ve been keeping my mouth shut because we are all old enough to make our own decisions, but I’m not too fond of Mariana.”

“Why the hell not? She’s hot, smart
, and she makes me happy,” Shane insisted.

"There’s something about her that I don't trust
, Shane," I retorted.

"Well
, luckily you don't have to trust her. I do," Shane snapped.

"I know
, Shane, but I’ve been with more bad news girls that I care to admit and Mariana gives me the same vibe they did."

"So you're calling my girl some kind of hoe? Because as far as I know
, those are the only types of girls you know," Shane yelled.

"Wow, that's a low blow
," I said.

"You insinuating that my soon
-to-be wife is a hoe is a low blow," Shane snapped.

"You’re right
, and I’m sorry. But I’m being honest. Something about her makes me feel like she’s not the girl for you. Things I observe may sound like bullshit, or you can even call it twins’ intuition. But...she doesn’t really fit into our family. Shane...her attitude...I don't know...it just...doesn’t feel right and it’s not sitting well with me,” I said trying desperately to get my point across.

“Shawn
, you have some big-ass motherfucking balls; this is my woman you're talking about,” Shane yelled.

"And you're my identical twin brother and I love you. We have the closest bond any two people can share. I don't want you making a big mistake
," I pleaded, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Shawn, you need to mind your own
goddamn business. I don't say jack shit about who you fuck and I don’t judge you. I leave you to live your own life. For all I know, you could have sixteen illegitimate children roaming the world. Do I try to get all up in your shit? No! Because you’re a grown-ass man and I respect that. Now, show me the same fucking respect!”

At this point
I could tell that Shane was seriously angry. I was pretty upset myself about his comments on my sex life, but I still felt remorse for upsetting him like this. I took some calming breaths and attempted to patch things up. “Shane, you’ve always been so concerned with doing the right thing. I don’t want you to marry her because it’s the right thing, man. Do it because you know that in your heart that it’s definitely what you want.”

Shane jumped into defense mode.
“I am not always concerned with doing the right thing, Shawn. If I were...I wouldn't be a damn male nurse. I would be a doctor or a lawyer like you. Or I would be in the military like Matthew."

I
didn’t even know what to say to that argument, although he’d always thought that Shane’s choice at being a nurse, was a good, selfless one.

"Look, I’m done with this conversation
. Mari and I are getting married, and you can be upset, or happy. The choice is yours. Either way, I don’t give one third of a fuck. ’Bye.”

I
sat there stunned with the telephone still pressed to my ear. I had never argued with Shane like that, and I felt bad. But Mari was seriously bad news; even our mother felt the same way. I really didn’t want my brother to make the wrong choice.

Stressed
, and knowing that I’d lost that battle, I decided to do the only thing I could do. I got cracking on that prenuptial agreement I’d planned on drafting. Something told me Shane was going to need it. By the end of the day, I was drained and seriously sexually frustrated. I still hadn’t heard from Nicole, which meant she was having a great day with my mother. I typed up a quick text to my mother asking her to stay a bit longer with Nicole so I could run home to pick some things up. By
pick up a few things
, I meant
clean my pipes
.

The excitement
I should’ve been feeling about the release I knew I was about to have just wasn’t there. If I were being honest with myself, I would have admitted that there was zero excitement. It was almost like my heart wasn’t in it, but my heart was never in any sexual pleasure I’d ever felt. Just my cock. I grabbed the gearshift and started putting the car in drive when I heard my phone ping with the sound of an incoming text message. When I looked down I saw that it was from Nicole.

Nicole
: I’m on level 200 of Candy Crush and I need a ticket…I just sent you a request ;) hook me up!

I keyed a reply.

Shawn:
Sure thing Rain Man.

I laughed as I typed it. After I hit send, a realization came tumbling down like a ton of bricks. It was back. The excitement I was hoping to feel when I was heading home. It was there as soon as I’d received one simple Candy Crush-based text from Nicole. I put my car in drive and pulled off the curb. Only this time, I was headed home, and not to my house. Home. To Nicole.