Just One More Breath (15 page)

Nicole

Our spa day
started with thirty minutes in the sauna and one hour massages. Mama Burns took an instant liking to Zena and spent our entire massage session getting to know her.

“So, Zena, why isn’t
a pretty girl like you married with children?” she asked getting straight to the point. I felt bad for my friend, this was a sensitive topic and Mama B went straight for it.

“Because Prince Charming hasn’t come an
d swept me off my feet yet,” she replied.

“Well, while you wait for Prince Charming just make sure you aren’t wasting your time with frogs
,” Mama Burns said before instructing the masseuse to move lower.

Zena lifted her head and gave me an accusatory glare. I shrugged innocently and mouthed
“I didn’t say anything”
to her before putting my head back on the massage table. Then we got pedicures and manicures. It was shaping up to be a wonderful day. I admired my red toes while Mama Burns signed the three of us up for waxes.

Mama Burns
eyed my face and ran her fingers over my eyebrows. "The hair on your eyebrows has grown back in completely. I bet they can give you a perfect arch."

The lady at the desk showed
me pictures of different arch types and then I picked a picture that I thought best suited me. After the aesthetician recorded my choice, she looked back up at me. "Will that be all you’re getting?"

Before
I could answer Mama Burns chimed in, "No, they will be getting a Brazilian wax as well."

My
mouth hung open. "A Brazilian," I shrieked.

Zena backed away with her hands up
. “I don’t wax, I shave.”

“SHAVE
?” Mama Burns said loud enough for the people around us to hear her. “What is this, 1963?”

We both wanted her to simmer down, so we agreed to give it a try.

"Well, what kind will you get then? A landing strip? A Mohican?" she asked casually.

I
couldn’t help but giggle…Mama Burns was really hilarious. So hip. "I don’t know, I’ve never had one," I admitted uncomfortably.

"Well
, it’s about time you start. It really is life changing. And if you aren't maintaining your eyebrows you certainly aren't maintaining anything else." She glanced down to my midsection, cocked her head to the side, and raised one of her eyebrows.

I
rolled my eyes in acquiesce as Zena and I were led back to the waxing rooms. The waxing process wasn’t very pretty but the pain is worth the end result. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time my lady part had been that well…maintained. When I walked out of the room Mama Burns gave me a smug look.

"Well, what do you think? Did your life change?"
she asked knowingly.

"Yes, you were right…it's awesome. I love the look and feel of it now
," I acknowledged.

"Right? Don't you just want to walk around with your hand in your pants all day?"

I started laughing hysterically. "Not if I don’t want to end up in jail for public indecency."

She
laughed too and when Zena was all done we strolled out of the waxing room arm in arm.

The next stop on
our spa day agenda was the hair salon. Again, Mama Burns took the reins, and animatedly chatted with one of the stylists as I waited my turn.

A tall, runway
-model-type stylist approached me. "Hi, how can I help you?"

Zena knew that she wanted to chop a few inches off her hair, and she was taken over to the sink. But things weren’t so straightforward with me
; seeing the well-kept women made me self-conscious of my neglected hair. It was dry, dull, and boringly pulled back into a ponytail. It had sustained severe damage due to the highlights I’d had a while back, that I’d never bothered to take care of. If I had to describe my hair I would say it looked like "a bag of split ends."

"Ummm…just a simple wash and blow dry
," I said quietly.

Mama B
urns, with her supersonic ears, heard the comment and came storming over. "No, Nicole, you need to spruce things up a bit. You already got your eyebrows and va-jay-jay waxed, why not go all the way and do something really cool with your hair?" she said, a bit louder than necessary. I turned to the mirror as I absorbed her words. I slid my hair tie out of my hair and my tresses fell lifelessly around my face. Everyone frowned.

Noticing
my down spirits, the two ladies pounced on me. Mama Burns started with ideas. "How about a bang with some highlights? I think that would be gorgeous."

The stylist agreed with her. "Yes
. And some layers that shape your face. You have a really beautiful face, you can carry it off well." The stylist grabbed a comb and started parting and pinning hair to give Mama Burns and me a preview of her vision. I nodded and was led over to the sink while Mama Burns sat in the chair next me. We shuffled through entertainment magazines and talked celebrity gossip while we were beautified.

How long had it been since I had looked after myself like this? Zena and I had been on our way to the spa the day Jax died.
Don’t go there, Nicole, this day is for you to feel good about yourself again.
Having someone wash my hair for me made me feel luxurious. The clicking of scissors, the chattering of clients, and the gentle music playing in the background was surprisingly comforting rather than stressful like I’d predicted. Mama Burns’s presence was a soothing balm to my aching heart. As I relaxed under the ministrations of the skilled hands of the stylist, I knew that the day was a good choice.
This woman knows all.

Two hours later the beautification process was complete
. Mama Burns and Zena snuck a glance at me; shock and awe was etched onto their faces. Their reaction made me nervous and my heartbeat became erratic; I was extremely nervous about what I looked like now. When the stylist spun me around to face the mirror, my jaw dropped. It dropped so hard and fast I swore it would fall off and land in my lap.
Who is that woman in the mirror?

Everyone started telling
me how great I looked, compliments came flying from left and right. But for some reason, I felt the complete opposite of the way I looked. Pain. Raw pain. Panic.
Forgive me, baby boy.

~*~*~*~*~

When Shawn got in that night, I heard him calling my name. I’d purposely left my front door open so he wouldn't have to ring the bell, because I’d wanted to be left alone. After he said my name a few times with no answer, I could hear him frantically running around the house. I could hear doors opening and closing as he looked for me. Panic could be heard in his voice as he scrambled around yelling, trying to find me. I didn't want him to worry but I was simply too weak to reply.

Finally he opened the door to Jax’s bedroom and found
me curled up in the fetal position on his bed, caressing the fingerprint pendant around my neck. He let out a long sigh of relief as he made his way toward me. "Nicole, you scared me. Are you okay?"

The dam of tears
I had been trying to hold back broke free. "No…I’m not," I cried.

Shawn leaned over and scooped
me out of the bed then walked out of Jax’s room. We headed straight for my bedroom and he laid me softly on my side. Then he climbed in and pulled me onto him. "What’s wrong?"

I
lifted my head so Shawn could get a good look at me. “I look like me again," I said through a sniffle.

He looked confused. "You’re right, you do look like the old Nicole again. You look breathtaking
, sweetie. What's wrong with that?" He guided my face up to meet his gaze.

I
sniffled. "I look like the Nicole that doesn’t know the pain of losing her child. Like the old, untainted me. And today, I actually felt like the old me.” My words were heavy with regret. “Everything is changing again and no matter how many changes I go through, you know what never changes, Shawn?” I stared into his eyes and he nodded his head slowly. “The fact that my son will never come back to me." My last few words came out in a sob.

"I know. I know it's got to be tough on you
, sweetheart." Shawn tried his best to comfort me running his hands up and down the length of my back kissing my head repeatedly.

T
remors traveled through my body when I felt his touch. "Tough doesn’t even begin to describe how difficult this is. It’s so difficult that sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe.”

Shawn sat up, pulling me with him.
“It pains my heart to see you hurting like this. And it bothers me even more because I know there would always be a part of you that I can’t heal.” Shawn whispered, “If you do nothing else for me, I need you to continue to breathe. You need to promise me that you will always continue to breathe."

"Ok
ay. I promise."

"Anytime you feel like you don't want to breathe remember the promise you made today. Just one more breath…ok
ay?"

I
nodded, and then we lay back down. We spent the rest of the night like that. No dinner, no talking, no nothing. Just lying there. After God knows how long, I absent-mindedly ran my hand across Shawn’s chest and realized that he was still fully dressed in his suit. I looked down at his feet and he was still wearing his shoes. Realizing that he’d come looking for me before he even had a chance to take off his shoes made me appreciate this incredible man even more. I stopped those thoughts, scolded myself, and reminded myself not to get too attached. This was temporary and soon he would leave.

The rest of the week
was fairly uneventful. Shawn went to work and Mama Burns came over every day to hang out with me. Following my breakdown after the salon visit, I told her that I just wanted to stay in and take it easy for the rest of the week. We cooked, ate, drank more of Mama Burns’s crazy drink concoctions, and also became a passenger in the Scandal train. My days were bit brighter but at some point, every day, I had a mini breakdown. I wondered if they would ever go away.

I
felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster with the constant mood swings between feeling extremely high, and extremely low. On one hand I was very happy to look like my old self again. But I also felt like I could never be the old Nicole…not without Jax.
Did I even remember who I had been?

By the weekend
, I was all caught up on season two of Scandal, so we were able to continue watching together. We had lunch and then showered before settling in for another marathon. Shawn brought popcorn, snacks, and ice cream for our Scandal-icious weekend, and he’d made a pile on the coffee table so we didn’t have to constantly get up to refill.
Thoughtful man.
He pressed play on Netflix and sat next to me on the couch. "Before we get started, I just need to know one thing," he asked with a slight smirk on his lips.

I eyed
him curiously. "When will I be able to cash in on my foot rub?" It took me a few seconds to figure out exactly what he meant. Creating a look of faux annoyance, I said, "Wait, how do you even know that I want Olivia and Fitz together?"

Shawn looked at
me as if the statement was ridiculous.

"I’m not blind…nor am I deaf. I see and hear the way you react when those two are on screen together." He slipped off his sock and gently eased his foot
onto my lap.

“So
, if you don't mind, I would like to cash in on my foot rub right now.” Then he produced a cleverly hidden bottle of lotion from the pile of goodies on the table.

I
started to laugh. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack. Are you going to renege on our deal?"
he asked, cracking the seal on the new bottle of lotion.

“
No, I never go back on a deal." I pursed my lips. I conceded, because he was right. I really did want Olivia and Fitz together. I squirted a generous amount of lotion into my hand and began rubbing it into Shawn’s surprisingly soft foot. He sagged back into the chair with his eyes on the television. Less than two minutes later, he grabbed my opposite leg onto his lap, and massaged mine as well.

There were so many thoughts going through
my head, and so many emotions traveling through my body, that I simply could not identify a single one of them. I knew something was happening but I also felt like something was hindering my ability to make sense of it. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. The things I felt as Shawn rubbed my feet still lingered deep within me the next day. And made me extremely confused. I knew we’d always had chemistry, but I always thought it was just sexual. Did I like Shawn?
Could
I like Shawn? Did Shawn like me? I had all of those questions and zero answers mainly because of the wall of safety that had taken up residence inside of me. I tried hard to keep my emotions in check, but Shawn was slowly breaking my resolve.

Nicole

Sunday
we sat at the table and ate breakfast. Shawn was telling me about a really difficult divorce case he was dealing with when my bell rang. It shocked both of us because the only person who ever came by was Mama Burns, and she never showed up unannounced. I hurried over to the door. When I looked through the peephole I saw no one, so I curiously opened the door. When I glanced down I almost passed out.

Jaxson
was on his knees at my door, his gaze empty, fixed on the ground. He looked completely and utterly broken. My heart stopped at the sight of him. I hadn’t seen this man since that terrible day in the hospital, and I’d told myself that would be the last time I ever saw him. Because I blamed him wholly for what happened to my son, he had not been allowed at any of Jax’s memorial services, the funeral, or burial.

I
stood there completely stunned; my first instinct was to slam the front door as hard as possible and get back to my peaceful breakfast was Shawn. But just as I was about to do just that, Shawn appeared. As if he’d read my mind, he leaned into me and whispered, "Nicole, you need to talk to him.”

Jaxson
jumped at the sound of a male voice and brought his eyes up to us. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. The same way mine eyes looked every day until Shawn had moved in, and many days since if truth be told. My heart actually broke for the man; the look of anguish in his face reminded me that he’d loved Jax as much as I did.

I
turned my attention back to Jaxson who was still on his knees. His voice sounded wrecked, like it had been damaged by months of continuous crying. He sounded like a completely different person. "Nicole, I need to know where my son is buried. Please, I’m begging you."

The anger
I felt toward him slowly turned into pity. "Come inside, I will get dressed and take you to him." I reached my hand out to assist him off the ground. My simple, non-confrontational response must’ve shocked him as he quickly nodded. He followed me inside.

I
felt weird having Jaxson in my house, well actually, our house. Ages ago on the day we received the keys to the house, I was sure we would grow old together there, raising our kids, spoiling our grandkids, and living happily ever after. My how quickly things change.

Jaxson
took a seat at the table and I went upstairs to tell Shawn about my plans.

He was lying on
my bed with his laptop on his lap seemingly taken up with work.

"Hey
," I said softly.

"Hey…you ok
ay?" He sat up, placing his laptop on the bed beside him.

"Yeah,
Jaxson is downstairs. He wants to know where Jax is buried so I’m going to take him to the cemetery."

Shawn
looked torn. "Are you going to be okay doing this?" he asked, watching me with a worried expression.

"I think so. And even if I’m not
, I know it's something Jaxson and I need to do together." Something about my wording made Shawn feel uncomfortable. "Do you want me to go home?" There was a hint of apprehension in his voice.

His question startled
me; I had never seen a look of vulnerability on his face before. Was he worried about Jaxson and me?

"What? Why would I want that?"
I sat next to him on the bed and placed a hand gently on his chest.

Shawn shrugged sheepishly. "I don't know, just thought I should ask.
Suddenly I’m acutely aware of where I am. Lying in the bed that you spent years sharing with a man who was just a few feet away. I feel like an intruder. I don’t want to be in the way."

I
grabbed his hand and placed it over mine. "No, I want you to stay, Shawn. I will be back soon."

He pulled
me in for a hug and looked at me with soft eyes. "Be strong, okay? I’m very proud of you for doing this."

I
nodded, our eyes met, and the room suddenly became eerily silent. It was as if everything else in the world disappeared. Shawn’s eyes fell to my lips but he quickly let me go as if he were about to do something he might regret.

I
took a few steadying breaths before I approached Jaxson again. The confidence I felt while I spoke to Shawn was rapidly depleting and I was becoming increasingly nervous. I hadn't been to Jax’s grave since the day I’d laid him there. But, here I was heading back with the very person I blamed for putting him there. The twenty-minute car ride was silent, tense, and somber. When we pulled up at the cemetery in New Jersey, Jaxson started crying even before we came to a complete stop.

Before
I could open my car door, Jaxson turned to face me.

"Nicole, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry for what I did to our family, for what I did to our son. I understand why you hate me. I hate myself." His voice was hoarse as if it pained him to speak.

Did I hate him? If someone would have asked me that two weeks ago, even two days, I would’ve responded with a loud “HELL YES.” At this point, I wasn’t even sure, because all I felt for this shell of a man was sympathy. Grief. Brokenness.

"I don't hate you
, Jaxson. Well at least, not anymore. Seeing you like this made me realize that you are hurting for Jax just like I am."

"You don't have to pretend
, Nicole. I fucked our family up. I had thought the grass was greener on the single side and it wasn't. I had a beautiful family, a perfect house, and we were happy. I fucking ruined it all because I wasn't mature enough to see how good things were between us. Then I brought a girl I barely knew along on my first visit with my son. My son! Making bad decision after bad decision, all of those things led to my son ending up in this damn cemetery instead of at home with his loving parents where he belonged.” His last few words were barely audible.

My breath caught
; he said every single thing I had felt for months. However, the triumph I thought I would feel when he admitted those things never came. I opened my door and stepped out. "Come on, Jaxson…let's go see our boy," I said, breaking the tension. There was nothing I could say. Nothing that would help. After a five-minute walk, we approached a familiar tombstone. One I remembered picking right after I chose the royal-blue casket. It was neatly etched with the words:

Here lies Jaxson Miller Junior

He was not just my son
. He was the light of my life.

Jaxson read the words and crumbled to the ground. He threw his body onto the stone and held onto it for dear life. "Jax, I'm sorry, I did this!" he wailed while hugging the stone. He rocked back and forth. The deep sound of pain that left his body sounded worse than any cry I had ever let out, and it shook my soul. Jaxson kept apologizing and crying. Speaking of all the ways he wished he could change the past, and how many times he wished that he had died instead of Jax.

I
didn't realize I was crying until I felt hot tears hit my arms. I sat on the grass next to Jaxson and placed my hand on his back. His crying was becoming painful for me to listen to, but I understood its origin, because I too had cried in a similar fashion countless times.

Jaxson
looked at me with a crippling pain in his eyes. "Nicole, I want our son back! I want our family back! I would give my life for it. I would give my life for five minutes of the happiness we had two years ago. I'm that desperate."

A
ball of pain lodged in my throat. It felt so big that I wanted to scream it out. I fought back the urge to break down; I needed to be strong for Jaxson. I swallowed a few more times, and took deep breaths until I was sure I could speak without sobbing.

"
Jaxson, I understand the desperation you're talking about. I've been there.” I swallowed again and steadied my breath. “Many days, I felt like going to war."

"War with who
m?" he asked perplexed.

"
Jaxson, I was ready to break down the pearly gates of Heaven to get my baby boy back. I would've gone to war with any and everyone who tried to get in my way. Angels, Jesus Christ, even God Himself. I would've fought against anyone I needed to in order to get Jax back."

Jaxson hunched over
. “I’ve been preparing myself all month for the verbal attack that I was sure you would give me. But those words cut deeper than any insult you could’ve thrown my way,” he admitted. “The depth of your hurt over the loss of our child is one that I will never be able to forgive myself for,” he said as he cried. “The burden that I have been carrying around ever since the pool accident has finally become too much for me to carry,” he wailed. "Nicole. I'm sorry."

I sat stunned, completely stunned. I couldn’t think of one thing to say.

“Please forgive me,” he begged. “If you can’t forgive me I will lose my fight with sanity, Nicole. I know it.”

I held up a hand to stop him from talking. “Jaxson, I’m done being angry with you. Hating you will not bring Jax back. I can honestly say that I accept your apology.
I spent enough time hating you with every fiber of my being…. It's time I change that. It wasn’t healthy for the either of us." I swiped at another onslaught of tears and Jaxson breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you
. Your forgiveness means so much to me. Hopefully one day I can forgive myself." He stared at Jax’s tombstone and shuddered.

"I hope so
, too. We need to live and be happy. It's what Jax would want for us. We're both young. We’re not even thirty yet. We still have a whole lot of living ahead of us," I said thoughtfully. I hadn’t realized that I had worked that out, but somehow, in my deep, agonizing haze of desperation, I’d moved forward slowly. Slowly healing.

Jaxson
noticed the unique pendant around my neck. "What's that?"

I
reached my hand up and began fingering the pendant around my neck. "It's Jax’s thumb print.”

Jaxson
’s eyes widened.

“The Child Life Specialist at the hospital made me a few copies of his handprint and she gave me the information for a company that makes fingerprints into pendants."

Jaxson stared at the pendant with longing; I brought his hand up so he could feel the ridges and grooves. When Jaxson’s fingers made contact with it, tears silently fell from his eyes again. The sight nagged at my heart. I had once loved this man
fiercely.

"I have an extra copy of the print at home and I would be more than happy to order you a pendant
," I said.

A smile spread across his tear-drenched face. "I would love that."

Before I could process what was happening, I was pulled into a hug. Being in Jaxson’s arms felt odd yet familiar. We had been together for so long, that being held by him felt like second nature to me. But it didn’t offer the level of calm that Shawn’s hugs did, and in that moment I missed him. I missed Shawn. Jaxson and I spent a few more minutes at the graveside before we got back into his car and headed back to my house. After a few moments of silence, Jaxson asked the other question that was clearly on his mind.

"So that guy I saw at your place. Is he your boyfriend?"
He tried to sound as if it were no big deal.

A small smile hit
my lips as I thought about Shawn. "No, he’s just a friend. We’ve actually been friends since college."

Jaxson
’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? How come I never met him?” he asked, as if he thought he knew all of my friends.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wanted to rattle on about Jaxson never making time to get to know my friends, but decided against it. I knew there was no point. Instead I shrugged my shoulders.

“
Well he might be just a friend to you, but I saw the way he was looking at you, and you're more than just a friend to him." His comment caught me off guard.

"What are you talking about?"
I turned my entire body into the seat to face him.

"The way he looked at you, I know that look. I looked at you like that for
thirteen years, until I got stupid and lost my mind.”

I
didn’t reply but I did think about Jaxson’s words the rest of the way home. When we pulled up in the driveway, Jaxson pulled me in for another hug.

“I have something to ask you
”

“Yes?” I asked nervously.

“Do you think there’s a possibility that we could work things out?”

I was completely floored
. Never in a million years did I ever expect Jaxson to ask me this.

“Jaxson
,” I said, stunned.

“Please consider it
, Nicole, I now know you’re the only one for me. We can make this work, be a family again. Maybe have more children?”

The determined and desperate look on Jaxson’s face made me feel awful, but I already knew
what my answer would be.

“Jaxson, I’m sorry, but I can’t
. For starters, I have no desire to have more children,” I said unable to look at him. “Our marriage was good while it lasted, but at this point I think it’s best that move on with our lives. Separately.”