Kate Sherwood - Dark Horse 1.1 - Sometimes You Just Know (13 page)

Dan leaving while he's in one of his less-than-happy moods, but that's not enough to give Justin this empty, rolling feeling in his stomach. Dan looks at him inquisitively, and Justin steps forward and brings a hand to Dan's face. "I don't want you to leave," he whispers.

Dan steps away a little and laughs nervously. "What, you're up for another round?"
Justin shakes his head, and then grins. "Well, maybe, but I meant… I just want to spend some more time with you." It's his turn to step back now, because he's scaring himself a little with the intensity of his feelings. "I just… fuck!" He turns away, looks towards the window at the end of the living room, the one that looks out onto the pastures. He thinks of the horses out there, peacefully grazing without any of this turmoil, and he thinks he begins to understand how Dan can use the animals to ground himself. He takes a shaky breath. "I'm afraid that you're going to walk out that door and I'm never going to see you again. I mean, I know it doesn't make sense, it just…"
Justin trails off, and Dan doesn't say anything. When Justin finally gets the courage to turn and look at him, Dan is staring at him. Justin forces himself to meet Dan's eyes, and after a moment Dan shakes his head and takes a step forward. He starts to speak and then stops, and then starts again, almost whispering. "What the fuck are we doing here, Justin?" He looks like a little boy staring at a fire he'd started, a fire that is beginning to get out of control, a mix of awe and fear on his face.
Justin's laugh is jagged. "I really don't know, man." Then his body takes over again, carrying him back towards Dan. He talks as he moves. "But I think I like it. I mean, it's scary as shit, I get that, I feel that, but…." He stops short of Dan and looks into his eyes, hoping for some sign that Dan understands. "It feels right, you know?" He searches for words. "You feel…
we
feel… it feels right to me. Am I… I don't know, man, am I crazy? Am I just stalking you, imagining some connection that doesn't really exist? Or…."
Justin stops talking when Dan's hand grabs hold of his shirt, twisting

and pulling and bringing their mouths together. The kiss isn't long, but it's real, pure Dan surging up to meet pure Justin, and it's pretty much the best kiss Justin's ever had. When Dan pulls away, he leaves his hand on Justin's chest for a moment, then steps further back.

Justin's afraid to speak, and Dan seems to be searching for words. Finally, he looks over to where Justin has set the cell phone. "I, uh…I got a bit freaked out for second there."

This isn't clear enough. "What? Which time?"
Dan's eyes cut back over to see if Justin's being a smart ass, and then he smiles regretfully. "Yeah, okay… when I was putting my number in your phone." He looks down at his feet, and when he speaks again his words are so fast that Justin has to wait a second before they register. "I… I got spooked, put in a fake number."
Justin just stares at him, and Dan has the decency to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry, man, I know it was a chickenshit thing to do. I just…." He looks back up at Justin and his face is open, his eyes begging for understanding. "You weren't joking when you said it's scary."
Justin's still reeling. "So, wait. If I hadn't stopped you, if you'd left… that would have been it? I mean, I still could have found you at the bar, right? On Saturday?"
Dan shrugs. "I don't work there every week. I just fill in sometimes."
"So…" Justin takes a step backwards and sinks onto the couch. He's feeling a little sick. He takes a minute to collect his thoughts. "I don't know what to do, Dan. I mean, do you…." He looks up and sees Dan watching him, and instead of inspiring the usual tenderness, the look of fragile hope on Dan's face makes Justin furious. "Fuck, Dan, what the Hell do you want?" He throws himself to his feet and takes a couple big steps towards Dan, and he sees the man brace himself to take a punch, that just makes Justin angrier, that Dan would think that Justin would do that. For a moment it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, with Justin's fist itching to hit Dan, to make him feel something, to tear a hole in his life the way Dan

He takes a deep breath and doesn't speak until his voice is controlled. "I don't know what we're doing. I… do you want me to go crazy? Is it a game for you?"

Dan mutely shakes his head. Justin needs more than that. "So, you tell me. Do you want to see me again? Do you want to try to make something out of this?"

Justin waits tensely for Dan's answer. When it comes, Dan's voice is tired. "I do. I just… I know I keep fucking it up, and I'm sorry, I just…." He looks at Justin as if Justin is supposed to understand somehow, but, damn it, he
doesn't
understand. He stares Dan down, demanding more of an explanation. Finally, Dan tries to give him one. "I'm not good at this, at any of this… and you deserve better, and you're gonna figure that out, and then there I am, left behind…." Now it's his turn to face the window and look out at the grazing horses. "It's just easier to not get started, you know?"

Justin's anger is gone, leaving him feeling drained. He sinks back down onto the couch. "Yeah, maybe it would have been. But, Dan… fuck, man, I'm started. I'm well on the god damn way. It's…" He rubs the back of his neck. "I don't know what's happened with you and other guys. I don't." His smile is sad, and he's still not looking at Dan. "It's probably best that I don't, 'cause I've got a feeling it would make me want to hunt them down and kill them." He looks over towards the window, and Dan is glowing in the rays of the afternoon sun. He shakes his head. "I don't really know what I can say or do to convince you, but, I swear, man, I am one hundred percent genuinely interested in
you
. I mean, all of you, not just your body or whatever. I… okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's true… if you're spooked by the dating thing, I'd still want to be your friend, still want to hang out with you and… and
work
with you, 'cause you're great with horses, man. Obviously I want the sex part, but if that's what's got you freaked out…."

around. He laughs self-consciously. "I keep… I keep thinking somebody's gonna step out from behind a door somewhere with a hidden camera, tell me I've been punked." He takes another step towards Justin. "I just… please." Another step, and he falls to his knees in front of Justin, looking into his eyes like he's hoping that they really
are
the windows to the soul. "Please don't be fucking with me…."

Justin shakes his head, brings his knees in snug against Dan's ribs. "I swear it, Dan." He lets his head fall against Dan's so their foreheads are touching. "I swear."

Justin's eyes are shut, so he feels Dan's nod rather than seeing it. "Okay," Dan whispers, and then he pushes a bit, bringing his lips to Justin's in a slow, gentle kiss.

"Okay?" Justin whispers back when their lips part, and Dan is still close enough that Justin can feel it when his lips curl into a smile.
"Okay." Justin smiles back, and Dan gives him another gentle kiss. "And, hi."
Justin nods. "Hi." He has no idea if the rollercoaster with Dan is over, but he's at least starting to feel like they're both buckled in to the same car, and are going to go through the dips and turns together.

Dan is fidgeting, and Justin finds it adorable. He has no idea how he's gotten this secure in the relationship in just a couple days, but Dan's nervousness that would have sent him into his own bout of fear on Sunday has him almost giggling on Tuesday.

"Settle down, dude, you're fine." He pushes his knee across under the table to nudge against Dan's. "It's not a big deal."
Dan gives him a disbelieving look. "He's your best friend from forever, his family is super-tight with your parents, who already hate me, and he's being sent here to spy on me? How is that not a big deal?"
"Okay, I didn't explain that right, maybe." Justin grins. "He's being
sent
to spy, yeah, but he never would. We just worked it out between us. Our moms send us out to spy on the other, but we just report back whatever the other one wants reported. It calms them down without much effort. Seriously, it's fine."
Dan shoots another look across the table, but his knees have stopped jiggling, so Justin keeps talking. "Do you want to know what I'm going to get him to tell them?"
"Man, I don't know… do I?"
Justin nods. "Oh, yeah." He slouches a little, enough to get a little more contact under the table. "He's going to tell them that the new guy is smoking hot, but they already knew that. And he'll say that Justin's head over-fucking-heels, but I think
my
mom at least already has that figured out…." He takes a moment to enjoy Dan's shy smile. "And then he's going to tell them not to worry, 'cause the new guy's a total sweetheart. A bit of a suck, actually, he'll say…."
"Fuck you, don't tell them that."
"…'completely wrapped around Justin's finger,' he'll say, 'even though he pretends not to be.'" Dan looks down at the table, but Justin nudges his knee until he looks up.

Justin's still beaming when Chris comes in to the bar. Justin raises his arm to get Chris's attention, and he can feel Dan's leg start jittering again. Justin leans forward a little, bringing their heads closer together. "He could tell them you're a three-headed monster who eats babies for breakfast, and it wouldn't make any damn difference to me, so calm the fuck down." He grins at Dan's surprised expression, and then they're standing to greet Chris. Justin and Chris use the manly hug that they've perfected over the years, and Chris shakes Dan's hand, then pulls up a chair.

There's a moment of silence, and then the server comes over. He's been looking at Dan since they got there, and Justin kind of wants to stake a claim, put his arm around him or something, but they're still negotiating the rules on public displays of affection, so he resists. Chris notices the nearly empty glasses on the table and orders a round of beer, then looks inquiringly at the other two.

Justin understands the look, and translates for Dan. "We drinking anything but beer? You've got to get started on the Turkey, you know— enough of this tequila crap."

Dan smiles at him, the smile that only Justin gets. "Yeah, whatever. Maybe you should switch over, instead."
"No way, man…you're in Kentucky now—bourbon's the way to go."
Dan looks like he's going to argue, but then just smiles instead. "Okay, fine. Wild Turkey."
Chris nods approvingly. "Three, please, on the rocks," he tells the waiter. Once the man is gone, he turns back to the table. "So I hear you've got a new job, Dan?"
Dan looks a little bashful, and Justin wishes they were in private, because he can barely keep his hands off the guy. "Yeah, part-time at least." He frowns. "Until Molly loses her patience, I guess…"
"No, Dan, she's coming around. I mean, Bailey looked great, and she had to admit it. And we've got so many good horses in the barn right now, we really need the help." Dan smiles at him, and Justin smiles back, then

They talk about horses for a while, and then about Chris's family. They're both careful to include Dan, but he seems happiest to just sit back and listen, knocking his knee against Justin's from time to time.

When Dan gets up to go to the bathroom, Chris gets a little more serious. "Your mom said he hasn't left the farm since Sunday. Says it seems like he's moved in or something." He waits for Justin to respond, but when Justin just shrugs, Chris smiles. "I've never seen you like this, man. It's… well, it's pretty disgusting, really, but… I'm happy for you. He seems like a good guy."

Justin nods. "Yeah, he really is."
Chris nods too. "So, what? Was it lightning bolts, or a rainbow flowering around him, or did a little naked angel with a bow shoot you, or…."
Justin shakes his head. "No, none of that." He thinks of Dan, of how easy it was for Justin to bend his own dreams a little, mold them in a way to make room for Dan. He can imagine them living and working together, getting old together, and he's never felt like that before. He shakes his head again, and smiles. "It was just… I don't know, man… sometimes you just know."
He sees Dan coming out of the bathroom, looking over and finding Justin watching him, and smiling his quiet, shy smile. "Yeah… sometimes you just know."

Kate started writing at about the same time she got back on a horse after a twenty-year break. She’d like to think that she’s far too young for it to be a mid-life crisis, but apparently she was ready for a few changes!

Kate’s writing focuses on characters and relationships, people trying to find out how much of themselves they need to keep, and how much they can afford to give away. She tries to find that careful balance between drama and humor – she wants readers to have an intense experience and feel drawn into the book, but she also wants them to enjoy the time they spend reading.

Kate started writing in the m/m area of Romance, and she’s spent some serious time trying to figure out why that is… if you’re interested, her reflections on why m/m fiction appeals to
one
straight woman can be found at her blog (http://kate-sherwood.dreamwidth.org/). Kate definitely plans to continue writing in both sub-genres, and is drawn to YA, as well. And maybe some women’s fiction. And urban fantasy. Possibly sci fi. Thriller? The possibilities are endless!