Katie's Angel (12 page)

Walking over to him and squatting in front of him she said quietly, “Are you okay?”

“I will be fine,” he said like he always did when anyone asked him how he was doing, and didn’t really want to talk about it.

“I am so sorry that you have had to deal with something like that. I have a hard enough time dealing with the loss of J
ackson, that I could not ever imagine how I would deal with having someone I love there, but at the same time not really there. That would be absolutely horrible,” Katie said as she stood up. She didn’t want him to see that she was doing all that she could not to wrap her arms around him and hold him close. She would give anything to take away the pain. She had never felt the urge that she does right now with anyone else.

“It isn’t your fault that it happened. You were not even in the same state when
it all happened.’

“I know that. It just doesn’t seem fair that you have to deal with something like that. Why did your family move out here
?”

“My dad thought that it would be good for me and my mom to be close to her family. He figured that would mean that there would be more people to help us take care of my mom. Boy was he ever wrong on that front.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well since we have lived here we have only seen one of my mom’s sisters and no one else seems to be interested in coming to see her. Basically we see them just as much; actually maybe a little less than what we saw them when we lived in Denver.”

Katie felt so bad for him. No one should ever have to deal with something like this. She knew that if she had to deal with having someone so close to her in the same state that Jack’s mom is, she would be much worse than she was right now. At this moment, having lost Jackson is way better than having to watch him suffer everyday of his life.

“Okay, enough of the sadness, we were supposed to be having a happy day, that you would never forget,” Jack said as he started to put things back in the basket.

“Today was a day I will never forget, no matter how sad you think it was. I would never have thought that you had gone through such a terrible time. You do not walk around sad all the time and you seem like nothing like that had ever happened. How is that possible?”

“Honestly, it is because I talked to someone. It wasn’t until I started talking to the therapist that I started getting back to normal.”

Katie couldn’t believe that something like talking to someone who really didn’t know a single thing about your problems would solve anything. She wasn’t about to talk to anyone who hadn’t ever lost their brother about how she felt, but she wasn’t about to make Jack seem like he was wrong for talking to anyone. “I am glad that talking to someone else helped you with all of the pain that you were going through. I just don’t think I really need to talk to anyone at this point. Just like I told my parents last night, I will talk to someone when I am ready,” she responded in the most polite way she knew how.

“I wasn’t trying to push you to talk to anyone. I was just…. I don’t really know what I was trying to do actually. I haven’t talk to anyone about my mom except the counselor and I don’t know why I actually told you about it,” he said as he picked up the last of the picnic stuff and looked around to make sure that there wasn’t any garbage left behind.

“Well I am always willing to listen when you need an ear,” Katie replied as she walked up beside him. As they walked to the car together quietly, Jack walked a step closer and Katie slid her hand in his with a smile on her face.

The drive home was informative to both him and her. They both took turns asking questions about each other like their favorite colors, and their favorite type of music. It was nice to get to know someone that wasn’t so stuck on how perfect their lives were to truly care about if someone else was going through a hard time.  Katie decided that instead of wasting any energy on thinking about all the other people who only act like the care when they feel that there is time in their busy lives that she would just focus on Jack and how good it felt to talk to someone who actually does seem to care.

As they got into town Katie got this sudden sick feeling in her stomach. She wasn’t sure what brought this feeling on, but she just knew that she was going to be in trouble for something when she got home.  It was this feeling she had gotten as a kid whenever she had done something that her parents were not very happy with. She was not going to let this bother her until her parents got home from work tonight. She planned on enjoying that last little bit of time with Jack.

Katie was feeling a lot more at ease lately. It was a feeling that she was content with. She was so tired of being sad all the time. She was so tired of missing Jackson. As
soon as she let that thought run through her mind she immediately felt guilty for it. She felt like she had betrayed Jackson in some way but thinking something like that. While trying to run the thought back through her mind in reverse so that it never came out, she felt that feeling of a hand on her shoulder again. She looked over and saw that both of Jacks hands were on the steering wheel, yet she still felt like there was a hand on her shoulder. It was that feeling that she had more and more these days that made her feel more at ease. It was a comforting feeling

As Jack turned onto their road, Katie felt the sudden urge to ask him, “
Will you take me to the cemetery please?”

Jack was surprised by the request, and wasn’t truly sure if he should. The last time he was in the cemetery with her it hadn’t ended very well at all. He thought about it and without actually answering her he kept driving past her house.

“I’m sorry it was rude of me to ask you like that. You probably have plans. You don’t really have to take me there if you have other plans.”

“No it is ok. I don’t have any other place to go right this second. I can take you and drop you off.” He figured she only wanted a ride so he had just planned to drop her
off and go home. He knew that he should be getting the car home soon anyways, so that he could get it washed and in the garage with the cover on it before night fall. It was something he made sure to do every time it was driven. To him it just made it keep its newness.

Looking at her hands, still in shock that she was actually going to say this to anyone, Katie replied, “I was actually hoping that you would stay with me. I need to see Jackson today, and it would be nice to have some company.”

She looked over at him, seeing the confusion on his face. “I promise I will not yell at you this time,” Katie said with a smile on her face.

Jack looked over and seeing that beautiful smile on her face, he knew he couldn’t say no to her about anything. She was so hard to tell no. With a smile on his face, he said “I will stay with you on one condition.”

Katie was caught off guard with his response. She looked at him a little confused. “Okay. What is the condition?” she asked slowly.

Jack waited for another second, looked over at Katie, smiled and replied, “You cannot tell Jackson how great I am.
One time was enough.”

Katie could feel her face turning bright red. She now knew that he had heard everything she had said about him. There was no way she would ever be able to look him in the eyes again, she thought as she looked out the passenger side window. She had never been on embarrassed in her life.

Seeing that she was completely embarrassed Jack reached across the seat and grabbed her hand in his, and giggled, as they drove to the cemetery.

When they got out of the car, Katie was still completely humiliated but she knew that she needed to come here and share her story with Jack. He had shared his and now she knew that he was the one person she could trust with all of her thoughts.

Walking hand in hand to Jacksons’ grave, they didn’t speak a word. When they got to his headstone, Katie kissed her fingers and touched his name like always. She once again told him hi but this time she told him that she had brought someone with her. She knew that Jackson wouldn’t really care that she brought someone with her, but she felt like she owed him an explanation for coming twice in one day.

Jack just sat there and watched her as he could see the sadness that she had. It was something that he knew that
she tried her hardest to hide, but it was very apparent that it ran very deep inside her. He knew that if she didn’t let that sadness come out that she would not be whole again.

Katie looked up at Jack and without any prompting or questions from him, she said, “Jackson was three years old when he became sick. Mom and dad took him to the doctors so often that mom almost quit her job.  None of the doctors could figure it out, so they decided to run some blood tests. A week after they took all the blood, the doctors called my parents down to the hospital. When they came back my mom was still crying from the news. She stayed in her room for a week, because anytime she would look at Jackson she would start to cry. No one told either of us wha
t was happening either.” Katie was looking at her hands by this point, and fiddling with the grass on the ground. This was the very first time she had told the entire story to anyone and oddly enough it felt right. 

Jack just sat there a bit surprised that she was telling this story to him, but he wasn’t about to interrupt her with any questions. He listened intently as she continued.

“After that week mom had to come out because Jackson had to go back to the hospital for some other tests. He had to stay for two nights in the hospital. Dad and I stayed home, and I would ask him what was happening with Jackson, but he would just deflect my question by asking “do you want some ice cream?” or “lets pick out a movie to watch.” I knew that there was something going on and no one was willing to tell me what it was. Mom and Jackson came home and over dinner mom and dad shared the news. Jackson was sick. He had cancer and he would have to go through chemotherapy, but the cancer was a rare form and he may not make it.” Katie wiped a tear off her cheek. She had always had a hard time just thinking about that day that she was surprised that she was able to even talk about it.

After looking around the cemetery to see if there was anyone else there she continued, “Jackson went to his chemotherapy treatments and by the age of five things were going good. He seemed to
be back to normal. We were always outside playing and enjoying each other’s company. Then at six he fell and hurt his arm. Mom took him to the hospital and they told mom that they suggest that he go back to the oncologist. Mom knew that it was possible that it was going to be an ongoing thing, but we never saw what they said to her coming. The doctor told mom that it had spread throughout his body and there was no way for them to treat it.”

Jack hated seeing her in pain like this. He moved closer to her and put his arm around her. Feeling completely at ease, Katie continued, “Jackson continued to go to school
, and be normal. We all seemed to be acting like nothing was wrong in our lives. Then one morning when Jackson was seven, mom went to wake Jackson up, which was not something that was normal for her to have to do. He was usually the first one up. When she went in she saw that he was sweating so badly that his clothes were soaked. When mom touched him, his skin was scorching. Mom yelled down for dad to get the car, and we all took him to the hospital. The entire ride he never even fluttered one eye. When we got him to the hospital, they immediately admitted him, where he stayed for a month. He had caught a cold and instead of showing any signs at all, his immune system started to completely shut down. He didn’t wake up for almost a week. It was the longest week of my life. I thought for sure he wasn’t going to come out of it. Then one morning he scared mom to death by saying “Why are you acting like someone died?” Mom to this day doesn’t think there was anything funny about his question, but if you had heard the way he said it you would be laughing for days as well.” Katie couldn’t help but giggle a little about that. It had truly been one of the funniest things that had ever happened at the hospital.

“He
always had this positive attitude about him. He never once seemed like he was scared. It was as if he was born with this and didn’t know anything different.”

“When he left the hospital he was no longer able to be out of the house. He couldn’t go to school, the store or
any other place that he loved to go. They were afraid that his immune system was so low that he would get so sick that he wouldn’t make it.  They moved a hospital bed into the living room, because he was so weak that he couldn’t walk up the stairs. We moved all of his most important items to the living room, and made sure that he was comfortable. He lived like this for another year.”

“I would often go downstairs and watch him sleep. I couldn’t understand why he had to be the one that was sick. He was so little and frail. It just didn’t seem fair. For years now I have cursed God for taking such a little boy, who deserved to live his life. I was so mad and hurt, because he took such a perfect innocent little angel. After we lost him, no one in the house was the same. Sure mom
and dad went back to work and I have seemed like I have moved past this, but there’s sadness in my house that I do not think will ever leave.”

Wiping the tears from her eyes with his shirt, Jack held her close. He knew something had happened with her brother, but he didn’t expect that it was something like this. No one should have to watch their love one have to suffer, especially when that loved one is just a little boy who can’t understand what is going on. Not sure what to say, Jack looked at Katie as she stared at Jackson’s headstone and said, “
We never understand the reasons that God does the things that he does. If we ever started to understand it, it wouldn’t be normal. There are things in life that we are not ever supposed to understand. Those types of situations are the ones that bring those who mean the most to us, into our lives. And those are the ones that will forever mean something to us.”