Katie's Redemption (14 page)

She watched him walk to the house. She had been searching for a place to belong somewhere in the world, but what she really wanted was to belong here.

Was it possible? Elam’s embrace had just given her a bright ray of hope.

“W
hat is that long face for?” Nettie demanded as she sprinkled a packet of flower seeds into the freshly turned earth bordering the walkway.

On her knees clearing away last year’s old growth, Katie sighed. How was she going to break the news to her friend? Pulling out a few early weeds, Katie said, “What if I told you I was moping because…I’m moving out.”

“What is this? Where are you going?” Nettie propped her fists on her hips.

“I have a job at the Wadler Inn starting the day after tomorrow. Emma Wadler also owns a small apartment that I can rent starting in two weeks.”

Turning away, Nettie wiped at her eye with her forearm. “I’m happy for you, but I will miss you.”

“I’ll come to visit often and you will see me at church. I’ve already talked to Bishop Zook about taking instructions.”

Nettie turned back, a wide smile on her face. “That’s wonderful news.”

“I thought you’d be happy to hear that.”

“Have you told Elam?”

“Not yet.” Katie looked down. She wasn’t sure how Elam would take the news. Would he think she was only doing it because of her feelings for him?

There had been no repeat of the closeness they’d shared the day the doctor came to see her. She was half-afraid her growing love was making her see things that weren’t there. Did Elam care for her the way a man cared for a woman, or was she reading what she wanted to see into his simple kindness?

Nettie brought up a hand to shade her eyes. “It looks like Elam is home from town.”

Sitting back on her heels, Katie dusted off her hands and tried to calm her rapidly beating heart. She was surprised when he stopped the buggy in front of the house instead of driving it to the barn.

Stepping down, Elam came toward her, a pensive expression on his face. She stood, a sense of unease tickling the back of her neck. He held out a thick white envelope. “This came for you in the mail today.”

“For me?” She took a step closer.

“It’s from your brother.”

Stunned, she took the letter from him and stared at the return address. Why had Malachi written? What did he want?

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Elam prompted.

“Yes.” She turned away and walked across the new green grass to the bench beneath the blooming apple
tree. The pink flowers of the tree scented the air with their heady perfume. The drone of bees inspecting each open bud mingled with the soft sighing of the breeze in the branches.

Sitting down, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and began to read.

Katie stared at the words in shock. What did he mean? Fearfully, she continued reading.

Katie laid the letter down without reading more. Her mind reeled. She wanted to pinch herself and wake from this bad dream. No wonder she’d never felt as if she fit in. She wasn’t a Lantz. She wasn’t Amish. Her black hair and eyes were a gift from a mother she’d never known. She stared at the grass littered with apple blossoms in front of her without seeing it. After a few minutes, she began reading again.

Katie wadded the letter up and threw it into the grass. How dare Malachi offer to take her baby after making her miserable her entire life! Rising to her feet, she paced back and forth. Pausing to calm herself, she saw Elam watching her.

Elam asked, “What does he say?”

She wanted to run to Elam’s embrace and cry out her heartache, but something held her back. “He told me the truth. Finally. Read it for yourself.” She turned away instead and began walking out into the fields to be alone.

She had no family. She didn’t belong anywhere.

Elam came out of the house and leaned a hip against the porch railing later that evening. Katie sat on a rocker on the front porch with Rachel in her arms. He had found the letter from her brother and read it. His heart ached for what she must be going through. He studied Katie’s faraway look. “You barely touched your supper.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“
Mamm
has a custard pie cooling on the counter. If you’d like a slice, I can fetch one for you.”

Katie smiled. “I imagine when you were a boy you brought home all manner of birds with broken wings and stray kittens.”

“A few,” he admitted.

“I’m fine, Elam. I don’t need to eat.”

“You must keep up your strength for your daughter’s sake.”

Kissing the baby’s forehead, Katie then leaned her cheek against her child’s head. “Yes, she’s all I have now.”

He sat down in the rocker next to her. “I’m sorry for the way Malachi delivered this news, but isn’t it best to know the truth?”

“I guess you’re right. I just feel so lost. All my life I wanted my family back. I hated that God took them all from me, and now I find out they weren’t my family at all. My mother gave me away. I have no idea who my father is. I’m truly without any ties to this world.”

“A family is more than blood, Katie. You know this. Those who live in our hearts are our family.” He reached across and laid a hand on her arm.

He longed to ask her to become part of his family, to marry him, but fear held back his words. He had asked Salome to marry him and she had taken her vows to the church without meaning them. The result was that she was shunned by her family and friends for the rest of her life. He couldn’t bear to have that happen to Katie.

She seemed so remote, as though she needed to separate herself from all that had gone on. Rocking back and forth, she held her baby, looking as lost and alone as she had that day at the bus station.

“It’s going to be all right, Katie.”

She didn’t seem to hear him. He moved his hand to her cheek. “What can I do to help you?”

Pulling away, she said, “Nothing. I just want to be alone for a little while.”

He stood but couldn’t bring himself to leave her. “I wish you would not take this so hard.”

Rising to her feet, she gave him a brave smile. “I’m not. I’m going to stop dreaming of things that can’t be and make my own way in the world. It will be Rachel and me and that will be enough.”

She left him and went into the house, closing the door softly behind her.

Elam sat back down in the rocker. It might be enough for her, but it would not be enough for him. He wanted to be included in their lives. He loved them both.

Katie was on the right path. When she had made her baptism and her hurts had healed, he would offer her his heart, his home and his family as her own.

His mother had told him about Katie’s job and her plan to move into town. He was prepared to bide his time. Katie Lantz was a woman worth waiting for.

Kate’s first day of working for Emma Wadler proved to be easier than she expected. The Wadler Inn sat at the west end of town, overlooking a valley dotted with white Amish farmsteads. The view was unspoiled by power lines, as none of the families beyond the edge of the city in that direction used electricity.

Emma’s rooms were small and quaint. The beds were covered with bright Amish quilts, and the furniture had all been made by local craftsmen. Her large gathering room boasted a wide, brick fireplace and soft sofas that the tourists seemed to love.

Katie’s duties were to answer the phone, to take reservations and to keep Grandma Wadler company. The latter
proved to be the easiest task of all. Grandma Wadler had made it her mission in life to spoil Rachel the moment she met her.

Knowing she was lucky to find a job where she could keep Rachel with her, Katie allowed the wheelchair-bound woman to hold and rock the baby whenever Rachel was awake.

Emma’s current group of guests were a family from Arizona. They were genuinely interested in learning about Amish culture. Katie was happy to answer their questions. They were disappointed to learn that they should avoid photographing the Amish, but heartily promised to drive slowly and watch out for buggies on the area’s winding, narrow roads.

When five o’clock rolled around, Katie was ready to go home and put her feet up. When she walked outside with Rachel in her bassinet, Elam was waiting to take her home.

“How was it?” he asked, as she climbed in the buggy.

“It wasn’t bad. Emma is very nice and her mother is easy to please.”

After guiding the horse into the traffic, he settled back and took a peek at Rachel. “How did
moppel
like being a working woman?”

“She isn’t a fat baby. I wish you and your mother wouldn’t call her that.”

“Ach, she’s just plump enough to suit me.”

“That’s right. You don’t like skinny women.”

He eyed Katie up and down. “I make an occasional exception.”

She felt the blood rush to her cheeks. Was he imply
ing he found her attractive? Perhaps there was hope for her after all.

Before she could think of a comeback, he changed the subject.

“Mr. Imhoff is bringing over one of his ponies and a cart for you to use until you move into town.”

“That’s very kind of him.”

“
Jah,
it’s kind but we both know why he’s doing it.” Elam rolled his eyes and grinned.

Katie giggled. “To impress your mother.”

“She was baking a lemon sponge cake when I left the house.”

“Let me guess. It’s Mr. Imhoff’s favorite.”

They looked at each other and both ducked their heads as they began laughing. Still smiling, Katie studied the man beside her. It felt good to laugh with him. She’d shared so many things with him that she hadn’t shared with anyone else.

She loved his quiet strength, his bright eyes and ready smile. He was a good man. She was blessed to be able to call him a friend.

Content to ride beside Elam, Katie enjoyed the rest of the trip home. As Judy turned into a lane, Katie tucked the memory of her time with Elam into a special place in her heart. When she had her own place, these rides with him would stop. But until then, she would cherish their time alone.

The following day was “off” Sunday, a day of rest, but without a preaching service. It was a day normally devoted to reading the Bible and visiting among friends. Katie was reading from the German Bible and struggling a bit with
the language. Elam was helping her. She was determined to finish the chapter while Rachel was napping.

“Is that a car I hear?” Nettie looked over the top of her spectacles toward the door.

Katie glanced up. “Maybe Amber has come for a visit.”

Rising, Katie walked to the screen door to look out. Her heart jumped into her throat and lodged there. It wasn’t Amber.

Matt stepped out of a dark blue sedan in front of the house.

S
hocked beyond words, Katie could only stare. What was Matt doing here?

Elam, sipping a cup of coffee, didn’t bother looking up. “Amber is always welcome.”

“It’s not Amber.” Katie didn’t explain. She simply opened the door and walked outside.

Matt had changed a bit in the four months since she’d last seen him. Had it only been four months? It seemed like a lifetime.

He was still good-looking in a reckless sort of way. His long, dark hair had been cut and was neatly styled now. The diamond earring he normally wore was missing from his earlobe. His clothes were casual and expensive.

She hadn’t realized until this moment how much better looking Elam was than her former boyfriend. Elam’s goodness came from within. His clothes might be homemade and simple, but his heart was genuine.

Matt’s face brightened when he caught sight of Katie. He held out his arms. “I found you at last.”

When she didn’t move, he slowly lowered his arms and slipped his hands in the pockets of his pants.

Katie found her voice at last. “What do you want, Matt?”

“What do I want? I’ve come to bring you home. I see your brother’s got you wearing one of those sacks again.”

She smoothed the front of her apron. “I chose to dress Plain, Matt. My brother had nothing to do with it.”

“You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” He sent an apologetic look her way, then approached.

When he was standing in front of her, he said, “I’ve come to say I’m sorry for the way I left you. I can explain everything, and I’ve come to see our baby.”

Katie heard the screen door open behind her. Elam said, “Who is it, Katie?”

A big smile creased Matt’s face. He held out his hand to Elam. “Hello. I’m Katie’s partner, Matt Carson.”

When no one said a word or took his hand, Matt let it fall. “I know my showing up like this must be something of a shock to you. Is it a boy or a girl?”

“It’s a girl,” Katie answered. “I named her Rachel.”

Matt smiled. “I like it. Can I see her?”

Katie glanced toward Elam. Should she refuse? How could she?

Before she could form a reply, Elam stepped forward and squared off with Matt. “You are not welcome here.”

Matt took a step backward. “I think that’s up to Katie.”

“She has nothing to say to you.”

Katie laid a hand on Elam’s tense arm. “I will talk to him, Elam, and then I will send him away.”

His jaw tensed, she could see the muscles twitch as he held back his anger. Finally, he nodded once. “I will be in the workshop if you need me.”

Elam crossed the yard with angry strides. Matt took a step forward and blew out a breath. “Wow, I thought the Amish were nonviolent.”

“We are.”

Matt nodded toward the house. “I’m not sure about
him.
”

“Elam would rather die than harm another human being. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel anger or annoyance. It just means he will not act on them.”

“Good to know. Look, Katie, I know I have a lot to apologize for, but there is a lot you don’t know. Let me explain before you kick me off the place.”

She glanced toward the house where Nettie stood watching them. Katie said, “Why don’t we take a walk?”

As they strolled side by side down the lane, Katie worked to keep her anger in check. Matt seemed to sense her feelings and said, “Katie, I was stupid. I shouldn’t have left you when I did. I got scared. I didn’t want to be a father. I’d never even told my parents about you.”

“Because you were ashamed of me,” she bit out.

“Like I said, I was stupid. Anyway, my folks were taking this trip to Italy. I got my dad to spring for my ticket and I joined them. They were thrilled because I hadn’t seen them in almost a year. I honestly intended to tell them about you and the baby and then come back in a week.”

Was he telling the truth? She found herself believing him. “So what happened?”

“My dad had a stroke the night we arrived in Rome.
He lingered for another two months in the hospital, but then he died. He never even knew he was going to be a grandfather.” The quiver in his voice wasn’t faked. Katie could see the sorrow in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Matt.”

“I really messed up. Mom was a basket case. She’d never done anything without dad. By the time we flew the body home and arranged a funeral, you had already left the apartment.”

“I was kicked out because I couldn’t pay the rent…three weeks before our baby was due. You could have called.”

“I know, I know. None of this was your fault. I messed up. I messed up big time, and I’ve come to ask your forgiveness.”

Katie sucked in a deep breath. She had to forgive him. It was a fundamental part of being Amish. She searched her heart for God’s grace and found the words she needed. “I forgive you, Matt.”

Hope filled his eyes. “Do you? Do you really?”

“Yes.”

Stepping forward, he took hold of her hand. “I want my mother to meet you and to meet the baby. You and I and our child are all the family she has left. She was lost without my dad, but as soon as she learned about the baby, the light came back into her eyes.”

“Matt, don’t do this to me.” Katie pushed him away gently. “I have learned to get along without you. You didn’t care enough to see that we had a place to live, or food, or medical care.”

“I can keep saying I’m sorry for the rest of my life if
that will help. Give me another chance, Katie. I’m begging you. We can make it work. Will you marry me?”

Shaking her head, she turned away. “It’s getting late. We should get back.”

“Think about it, Katie. Think about Rachel and what it will mean to her if you come with me. We can be a family.”

“Please, Matt. I need some time to think.”

She left him and hurried toward the barn, but she didn’t go to Elam’s workshop. Instead, she climbed the ladder that led to the hayloft, looking for solitude. Matt’s arrival had been completely unexpected. He was asking for a second chance. He was Rachel’s father. He was offering her everything Katie once thought she wanted.

Reaching the loft floor, she moved toward the dim interior at the back of the barn where bales of hay were stacked to the rafters. Dust motes drifted in lazy arcs across the bands of sunlight that streamed from the double doors at the end of the loft. Overhead, pigeons fluttered about in the rafters, disturbed by her presence.

Matt had come back for her. He had asked for her forgiveness and she had forgiven him. Now what? He was offering her something she’d never truly had—a family. But a family away from the Amish life she had finally grown to love.

She had a choice. Go with Matt or stay near Elam. Elam, a devout man of the Plain faith. Would he be able to return her love? Would Elam trust that she had truly found her way back to God?

She heard a rustling behind her and turned to see Elam, pitchfork in hand, standing at the wide doors.

He said, “I’m sorry if I frightened you.”

She smiled at him. “You could never frighten me.”

He came toward her. Laying the pitchfork aside, he took a seat beside her in the hay. His hand lay close to hers but not touching. She wanted him to hold her hand. She wanted him to kiss her and wipe away this feeling of being alone.

“I saw you out walking with Matt. Will he be staying long?”

She sighed. “That depends.”

“On what?”

“On me.” Suddenly, she couldn’t stand it any longer. She grasped his hand. “Elam, I don’t know what to do.”

He didn’t draw her close, didn’t kiss her, didn’t promise to make everything all right. Some of the hope she’d held in her heart began to fade.

“What are you doing, Katie?”

A chorus of chirping began overhead. Katie looked up to see a mother swallow returning to her mud nest in the rafters. Katie held on to Elam’s hand. “I am like that swallow. I had a home here once but I couldn’t stay. My life was like a long winter. I wanted someone to show me the sun.”

“So you flew away.”

“I never planned to come back.”

“Yet like the swallow, you did return and you began to raise your young one. The swallow will nest here, but she won’t stay. When the days grow short and winter comes and her little ones no longer need her—she’ll fly away again. Is that what you will do, Katie?”

She turned so she could face him. “I don’t know.”

“Do you love Matt?” he asked quietly.

“I did. I think I did, but maybe he was just a means to an end. I felt used when he left me, but maybe I was using him, too. To escape Malachi’s strictness. I’m so confused. Why couldn’t it be simple?”

“It is simple, Katie.”

“How can you say that?”

He looked away. “Because it is simple.”

“I don’t want to go, Elam. I want to stay here with you and your family.”

“Do you?”

“Give me a reason to stay, Elam.”

Sadness filled Elam’s eyes. “Ah, Katie. Have you learned nothing?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I wish with all my heart that I could give you a reason to stay, but I can’t. The reason must come from your own heart or it won’t be strong enough to withstand the trials that will come your way in life.”

“I could withstand them if you were beside me.”

“Only faith in God can give you that strength, Katie. I love you, but I will not use that love to bind you to a faith you have not accepted with your whole heart.”

“My faith can grow.” He was breaking her heart.

Leaning forward, he kissed her forehead and whispered, “I pray that it will.”

Rising to his feet, he left her alone in the loft. When she was sure he was gone, she broke down and cried.

Elam walked sightlessly between the rows of ankle-high new corn. He wasn’t ready to face anyone yet. He
couldn’t believe how close he had come to gathering Katie in his arms and telling her nothing mattered but their love.

If only it could be that simple.

Perhaps for the English it was. He wanted Katie. He wanted her in his life, wanted her to be his wife and he wanted to raise Rachel as his own child.

The temptation to race back to Katie was almost unbearable. Why had God laid this burden upon him again?

If she chose to return to the outside world with Matt, Elam didn’t think he could bear it.

The Lord never gave a man more than he could bear; yet if that were true why did his heart ache like it was being torn in two? He could barely draw a breath past the pain. Tears filled his eyes and he stumbled on the rough ground. Pressing the heels of his hands to stem the flow of tears, he dropped to his knees in the rich earth.

“Why, God? Why didn’t you send me a woman of my own faith to love? Why must you test me? What have I done to deserve this sorrow?”

If he had given in to the pleading in Katie’s eyes and asked her to stay, how much worse would it be to lose her later?

Elam sank back onto his heels. How could it be worse than this?

I could go with her into the English world.

Even as the tiny voice in his mind whispered the words, Elam knew he could not act upon them. He had made a vow to God and before the members of his church. If he broke that promise, what value would any promise he made in the future hold?

He tipped back his head and blinked away the tears to stare at the blue sky. “Your will be done, Lord. Give me Your strength, I beseech You.”

When Katie came out of the barn, she saw Matt smoking a cigarette while leaning on the railing of the front porch. He held up the butt. “I’m trying to quit. Don’t tell my mom. She thinks I already have.”

Katie stared at him a long moment.

Poor Matt. He’s trying to become a better man, but he’s still willing to backslide and deceive others.

A passage from
Luke
16 flashed into her mind.

He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.

Matt bent forward to look at her more closely. “Have you been crying?”

How can I judge him harshly when I am guilty of the same thing? Forgive me, Father, for failing You in so many ways.
She drew a deep breath. “I was, but I’m fine now. You should be truthful with your mother.”

“You’re right.”

“Matt, we need to talk.”

He ground the cigarette butt beneath the toe of his shoe. “That’s why I’m here.”

“I can’t go back with you.”

“Katie, I know I treated you badly, but it won’t happen again. My father’s death made me see things in a different light. I’m all the family my mother has. I want you and Rachel to become part of that. She’s beautiful, by the way. She has your eyes and your hair. Mrs. Sutter let me hold her.”

“I’m Amish, Matt.” As she said the words, she knew
in her heart that they were true. She was Amish. Not by blood or because of her family, but by choice.

He looked at her funny. “I know.”

“That means so many different things that I don’t expect you to understand it all, but one thing it means is that marriage to someone outside of my faith is forbidden.”

“I thought you had to go through some kind of baptism for that to happen.”

“I will be baptized in a few months.”

“How can this be the life you want? It’s crazy. Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. This is the Plain life. Each day I will try to make my life pleasing to God. That is what I want.”

“And what about Rachel? What about my daughter? What if she doesn’t want to live in the Stone Age?”

“Matt, she will be loved, cherished and accepted among the Amish.”

He paused, at a loss for words, but then he said, “She’ll only get an eighth-grade education.”

“She’ll read and speak two languages. She’ll know everything there is to know about running a household, raising a happy family and running a farm or a business.”

“And what if that’s not enough for her? What if she wants to be a doctor or a lawyer?”

“Then she will not stay among the Plain people.” She reached out to lay a hand on his face. “And she will have a father to go to who can show her a bigger, if not a better world.”

“Why do you have to sound so rational?”