Knitting Rules! (4 page)

What sweater? You're at the local pub with the Thursday-night stitch-and-bitch group. Who has time to knit?

If your answers are mostly A, you are a Missionary
. Missionary knitters are those knitters who, regardless of their skill level, are compelled to spread the word of the knit. Convinced (and quite rightly) that knitting is the best thing since sliced bread, they're forever attempting to spread the word of wool and convert ordinary people into knitters. Their enthusiasm is infectious and they're generous with lessons, time, and knitting supplies. Their motto is “Don't knock it till you try it” and they're the visionaries of the knitting world. Missionaries are by nature giving people, and will often make a gift of yarn and needles to a fledgling knitter to entice her and keep her knitting. Sometimes called “pushers” by other knitters, missionaries
will always encourage a stash-enhancing trip, never turn down a knitting social event, and are usually the head of the local knitting club.

If your answers are mostly B, you are a Sensei
. Senseis have elevated knitting to a lifestyle. Never without needles and yarn, there's nothing knitting senseis don't know, and many of them are natural teachers. Through a combination of experience, education, and good instincts, knitting senseis are walking knitting textbooks. Wondering how to make the top of a sock stretchy enough? Knitting senseis know a dozen cast-ons. Mis-cross a cable 17 rows ago? Knitting senseis can show you how to fix the mistake without ripping back. Knitting senseis never wonder whether a knitting project would be too difficult for them. If they haven't done it, it's because they choose not to. Knitting senseis know all, see all, and fear nothing. If they weren't so damned helpful, you would hate them. You'll recognize a sensei by their confident knitting style, the stacks of complex patterns, and stashes that rival the gross national product of a small country.

If your answers are mostly C, you are a Scientist.
Knitting scientists are identified by the stuff in their knitting bags: a calculator, graph paper, and a palm pilot with a spreadsheet detailing their stash. Never caught unready, knitting scientists swatch religiously, calculate gauge to the quarter stitch, and plot decreases according to a rate of slope that they have personalized for their own body type. Mortified to turn out a sweater with a wonky neckline, scientists place
more focus on the technical aspect of knitting. They tend to be methodical stashers, usually buying yarn with a project in mind. This does nothing to limit the size of their stash, but does organize it somewhat. Knitting scientists are likely the only knitters who can put their hands on a tape measure in less than five minutes.

If your answers are mostly D, you are an Organic Knitter
. Organic knitters are all about the process. Utterly relaxed about gauge and swatching, organics knit happily along, unconcerned and (mostly) uncaring about the outcome of a project. Organics are all about the yarn, the feel and the act of knitting, and embrace the full yarn family of activities. Occasionally organics are that rare breed of knitter known as the “multi-crafter,” moving surely among weaving, crochet, and knitting and often combining several approaches. Organics can be identified with certainty when you overhear the phrase “No, I didn't swatch — it will fit somebody.” Another characteristic is their longing to so fully embrace knitting that they have earnest discussions about about how to get a flock of sheep into an urban townhouse backyard.

If your answers are mostly E, you are a Pretender
. These knitters are barely knitters, having been granted “knitter” status only by the virtue of their affection for the craft and the way they keep turning up. Pretenders buy lots of yarn and lots of patterns, show up at all the conferences and knitting meet-ups, but — inexplicably — don't seem to knit at all. Pretenders can be outed by careful observation. Have they been knitting the same blue garter-stitch scarf for six
and a half years with no discernible progress? Pretenders (or knit supporters) are somehow immune to the charms of knitting, but have fallen head over heels for their community of knitters.

If you meet another knitter who's exactly your type, always try to get to the yarn shop ahead of her. She's your fiercest competition.

There are more hours in a day for knitting than you think. The key to getting a lot of knitting done is multitasking.

This is prime knitting time. Most knitters get a lot done in front of the TV set. Within the genre, it is important to select programming to suit your knitting. Assess your project, then choose the appropriate show.

Drama, romance, and the news
. Any of these is good for most any kind of knitting, as once you get a quick look, it's really all about the listening. Don't attempt projects that require counting during the news or weather reports, which often involve numbers that can confuse you.

Action
. This requires actually seeing some of the show in order to follow the plot. Projects that allow you to look away without losing count or your place on a chart are the ticket here. Think plain socks, stockinette sweaters, garter stitch, and simple hats and mittens.

Comedy
. This is a flexible genre. Humor that relies on the spoken word works as well as drama for any kind of knitting. Physical humor, however, is best for very simple knits, since knitting during this type of show means
you're either going to annoy the daylights out of the person you're watching with (“What happened?”) or repeatedly rewind to see what you missed. Either way, you won't make good knitting time.

Movies with subtitles
. This requires selecting a pattern that doesn't have a chart or complex stitch pattern, which are too tricky to read along with subtitles. Many knitters find this good motivation for learning a second language.

Horror
. Knitting is probably the only thing that lets chickens like me watch a horror movie. I can gaze firmly at my knitting whenever a scene is too intense. Just be careful: a nasty fright can knock a goodly number of stitches off the needles.

Follow the same rules as for TV, but use extra caution and show extra consideration for those around you. Once you leave your home, rules of knitting politeness apply.

Use wooden or plastic needles
. The
click-click
of our needles can annoy the guy in front of us. If you use metal needles and the guy throws popcorn in your mohair, well, that's a reasonable response.