Knowing Me Knowing You (54 page)

‘
Listen, I’m sorry I went all mental with you during ‘Racy
Cakes’,
I was just trying to keep focussed and....,
’
Kate began, unable to meet his eyes.

‘
It’s OK; look Kate, there’s something I need to tell you,
’
Joel said awkwardly.

‘
Oh, please don’t say anything, whatever it is I don’t want to know, not yet, not before the end of the contest. Can it wait until the end of the contest?
’
Kate babbled, fearing it was going to be painful. 

It was going to involve
Marina
and she couldn’t bear to hear it. He was probably going to work in
Buenos Aires
with her, some joint modelling assignment. There would be photos of them barely clad cavorting on the beach, sharing cocktails with a perfect sunset in the background. There would be an attractive Dalmatian and a perfect blonde child with ringlets laughing happily and blowing bubbles into the sky.

‘
It’s about
Marina
,
’
Joel continued, undaunted.

‘
Please Joel, not now, I understand about
Marina
, really I do and it’s fine....,
’
Kate began, standing up and feeling uncomfortable.

‘
It isn’t what you think,
’
Joel told her.

‘
Please, not now, I’ve got to phone Hermione, I need to check on
Bethan
and to make sure I didn’t look a complete idiot sashaying up and down the catwalk,
’
Kate spoke hurriedly and she quickly left the table and dashed towards the exit of the greenroom.

She knew it but she couldn’t bear to hear it.

‘
No! Kate, wait, don’t call Hermione!
’
Joel called and he hurried after her, only to have his way blocked by Becky.

‘
And where do you think you’re going? We’ve done a survey in the audience while the show’s been going on and guess who’s been voted ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ resident
hottie
?
’
Becky asked him.

‘
Er
, Martin from Martin and Yvonne?
’
Joel replied.

‘
No silly, you!
Come on, you’re needed on stage, there’s a prize, chop, chop,
’
Becky ordered, taking hold of Joel’s arm and leading him off.

‘
Lynn
, have you heard from Hermione recently? I’ve called her at home, seven times and there’s no one there, I’ve called her mobile and it’s gone straight to voicemail? Where is she? Why isn’t she there?
Bethan
should be in bed, asleep, where would she have taken her?
’
Kate said into the phone in panic.

‘
Er
, well I’m sure there’s an explanation, in fact, when I spoke to her last I’m sure she said something about dropping in on her mum, yes, that’s what she said, I’m positive, staying the night in fact, apparently they’re all going to make tents out of bin liners and tea towels,
’
Lynn replied.

‘
But that’s just stupid; she never stays over at her mother’s, what’s going on?
’
Kate demanded to know.

‘
Nothing!
Don’t be daft, I told you,
Bethan’s
fine, they’re staying at her mum’s, don’t worry....hang on, Joel’s coming onto the stage, with his shirt off again, oh deep joy,
’
Lynn spoke breathing into the receiver.

‘
What? What’s he doing on the stage?
Lynn
, what’s going on?
’
Kate demanded.

‘
Listen for
yourself
,
’
Lynn
replied.

‘
....and according to your votes, the winner of the ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ 2011
Hottie
Award is....Joel Brown,
’
Larry announced loudly.

Kate listened down the phone as the Love Dove squawked and stomped about.

‘
And your prize Joel is £500 and a year’s subscription for ‘Iron Man’ magazine, courtesy of Fitness and Health Gyms,
’
Larry carried on.

Kate let out a heavy sigh, imagining
Marina
’s model smile, her heavily made-up face pouting at Joel, speaking to him with her ice blue eyes.

‘
The Lady Dragon’s had a few, can barely stand in those ridiculous silver mules she has on,
’
Lynn
spoke above the applause.

‘
You’re changing the subject, Hermione has absconded with my daughter and I can’t contact her,
’
Kate exclaimed.

‘
Now you’re really exaggerating and you’d better get off the phone because after the commercial break they’re starting the final part, Virtual Vows, The Showdown of Sincerity,
’
Lynn
told her.

‘
Is
Marina
still there?
’
Kate asked.

‘
Yeah, she’s still here, slapper almost wet herself when Joel removed his shirt,
’
Lynn
answered.

‘
Keep trying Hermione will you?
’
Kate ordered.

‘
Will do.
And good luck, I sense Colin is on the very verge of announcing free champagne for everyone if you and Joel win.
’

‘
I’ll do my best,
’
Kate replied ending the call.

‘
So, ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ resident
hottie
eh?
’
Kate remarked as they stood in the wings, waiting to go on stage.

‘
Whatever that means,
’
Joel responded with a laugh.

‘
It means most of the women in this audience are having trouble keeping their eyes off you....me included,
’
Kate answered.

Joel looked at her, sensing the sentiment.

‘
Kate, I really need to tell you something,
’
Joel repeated.

‘
I know and you can, I’ll listen right after the show, tears or cheers,
’
Kate said.

‘
Marina
isn’t an ex-girlfriend; I hadn’t met her before I met her for lunch at the pizzeria. She works for ‘Elite Escorts’,
’
Joel blurted out.

Kate just stared at him, unresponsive.

‘
Look, I know it was a stupid, ridiculous idea and I should have known better but Hermione said I needed to do something and I would have done anything, to keep you interested in me,
’
Joel continued.

Kate just carried on staring at him, her heart freezing, her breathing laboured.

‘
I know now that it was wrong especially because I promised you honesty. Creating
Marina
was nothing short of deceit but I didn’t think it would go this far and....,
’
Joel began.

‘
Thirty seconds guys!
’
Becky announced excitedly, bounding up to them like the Easter bunny.

‘
Say something Kate, please,
’
Joel begged.

Kate shook her head.

‘
I was being selfish I know I was being completely selfish, but I was trying to do it for the right reasons. And when I found out Matthew was still seeing
Amanda I had to do something about that too. I knew if I told you
you
wouldn’t believe me so I told Hermione and she said you needed to see it with your own eyes,
’
Joel carried on.

‘
Jesus Christ, the sudden and dramatic urge for a Chinese meal. She knew he was going to be there, that they were both going to be there,
’
Kate announced in horror.

‘
Kate, I know I said I wouldn’t pressure you or force you to make any decisions but, well, I lied about that too. I’m in love with you and I was scared, I didn’t want to let you go,
’
Joel told her.

Kate looked up at him. His enormous grey eyes were wider than they had ever been and they were filling up with tears as he gazed back at her.

‘
Ready you two? And off you go!
’
Becky announced, giving them both a little shove out from behind the curtain.

‘
Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s welcome back our current second place couple, Kate and Joel!
’
Larry introduced.

Kate stumbled onto the stage the lights making her feel completely disorientated. The audience were nothing more than a dark, blurry throng and the light above camera one was flashing like an overactive
Belisha
beacon.

Her mouth was dry and her eyes were sore. She couldn’t focus, she couldn’t concentrate.

‘
Now Kate and Joel, this is where the two of you pledge your troth to one another under the ‘Knowing Me Knowing You’ Arch of Harmony in front of all these beautiful witnesses and our feathered minister Reverend Love Dove,
’
Larry spoke.

He waved an arm towards the left of the stage and the Love Dove sauntered solemnly into the limelight dressed in full clerical garb complete with bible under one wing.

The Arch of Harmony resembled a B&Q arbour that had been dressed with white and pink roses, streamers and heart shaped balloons.

‘
So, if you two could join hands and come under the Arch of Harmony we’ll get things under way,
’
Larry said.

‘
Kate, are you OK?
’
Joel
enquired
as she stared around as if she didn’t know where she was or what was going on.

She didn’t reply.

‘
Kate,
’
Joel repeated.

‘
So, if you’re ready....,
’
Larry urged.

‘
Kate, we need to step under the arch,
’
Joel told her.

‘
STOP!
STOP EVERYTHING!
’
a voice yelled from the audience.

The murmuring in the crowd ceased and a stunned silence washed over them.

‘
Er
, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry for the interruption, we will try to resolve matters and, could someone get security?
’
Larry asked, looking uncomfortable.

‘
No! No security, I need to tell everyone about this farce in order to try and restore the integrity of this competition,
’
the voice spoke as its owner stepped into the light.

Matthew.

Kate stared out at him. He was standing at the front of the stage, to the right of the Arch of Harmony, all eyes, attention and cameras focussed in on him. His mousey hair was tousled, he was wearing a new suit and a smirk was playing on his lips.

‘
This ‘relationship’, isn’t real. Kate and Joel
aren’t
a real couple; they’ve been fooling each and every one of you with their cutesy answers and their cake decorating. The truth is, Joel’s an escort, he works for ‘Elite Escorts’ and Kate’s paying him to be her partner so she can pocket the prize money,
’
Matthew said loudly.

Kate felt like a knife had been driven through her and shivers ran up her spine as she heard the audience gasp in horror. It was her worst nightmare, everyone now knew the truth.

‘
This isn’t true,
’
Joel replied as Larry turned to them looking pale and aghast. As pale and aghast as someone covered in bronzer could look.

‘
It is completely true; check out the website, his rates are very reasonable,
’
Matthew carried on.

‘
It isn’t true, OK, maybe it was, to begin with but we didn’t enter this competition, we had no idea about the
competition until we were in the thick of it and then we couldn’t do anything about it, everything just snowballed,
’
Joel attempted to explain as the colour drained from Kate’s face completely.