Last Night at the Blue Angel (24 page)

I tuck the magazines under my arm and watch where I'm going.

When we arrive, Rita and Sister's apartment calms me down. The scarves on the lamps, tapestries, stacks of books, plants, plants, plants. I feel like I can breathe there because everything is kind of a mess.

Rita sits me down at her vanity, looking at me in the mirror.
Just have fun
, she says.
A girl should be allowed to experiment
. Then she goes into the kitchen to talk to Mother and Sister.

I lean in close to the mirror and put on some lipstick but I look like a clown, so I wipe it off. The women are keeping their voices down and for some reason I don't feel like spying on them. I guess I don't really want to know, but then I hear Mother say,
This is the ONLY thing I know how to do!

I walk into the kitchen to listen.

We were just discussing your party!
says Mother.

No, you weren't
.

Sister looks at Mother and shakes her head.

Rita is going to make a cake!
Mother says.

Have you lost your mind?
Rita asks her, then turns to me.
I have no such inclinations
,
my darling. I will BUY you a cake. Now, what kind would you like?

They all look at me.
I don't care
, I say.
No one will come
.

Sister looks at me with concern.
We'll all be there
,
Sophia
.

But not kids
, I tell her.
Not Elizabeth
.

I'm working on that
, Mother says. She tries to take my hand on the way home but I move away from her. We walk faster.
What were all those questions back there? At Hilda's? About deformed children?
she snaps.

Just curious
.

But why? Why are these things in your head?

I don't know
.

Mother looks perplexed.

You're not the only thing in my life
, I tell her.

She raises an eyebrow at me.

You don't tell me everything
, I add.

Mother walks on, looking straight ahead. Sometimes, for some reason, she listens to me. When we get near the park she asks if I would like to sit with her for a little bit. We find a bench and sit quietly for a few minutes, watching the people go by.

This is nice
,
isn't it?
she says.

I nod.

It's not easy for me to appreciate the little things in life
, she says.
It never has been
.

She presses her palms against her lap and takes a deep breath.
The thing is
,
kitten
,
Big Doug
. She looks at me.
Well
,
I'm just not pulling in the kind of crowds he needs. And
,
I seem to be on a downswing. They're looking for someone new. Modern
. She smiles at me, but I can tell she's sad and maybe even afraid.

Then what?
I ask.

He's going to let me go
.

She watches a man and his very small dog move briskly down the walk and stares at him like she knows him.

What will we do?

I try to imagine not performing
,
kitten. Just leaving it all behind and getting a nice little job somewhere. Maybe at the Merchandise Mart. Settling down
.

With David?

Maybe
.

I know he's my dad
.

She takes a deep breath. The sun moves behind a building and we can feel its sudden absence. We're both looking up now as if it might change its mind and come back out.
Do you have any questions about that?

How come you didn't stay with him?

I chose to come to Chicago. I chose my career. Some women do
, she says.
It's not unheard of. And I kept you
,
I did that at least. I didn't get rid of you
. She stops suddenly.

Get rid of me?

She looks at me like she has so many things to say but nothing comes out. She finally just says,
Oh, darling
,
it's been a long day. Let's go home
.

CHAPTER 30

J
IM IS SITTING
in the lobby reading a paper when we get home. He stands and hustles toward us when we enter.

Boy
,
have I got news
, he says.

Is that so?
Mother says.

I talked to an editor from
Look
magazine today and he wants to do a whole story on Chicago
.

A fellow admirer of buildings
, says Mother.

Actually
,
he was very interested in the pictures of you
,
of the scene here
.

We have a scene?
says Mother.

It's not clear just what he has in mind but he's interested
,
that's for sure
.

Whatever I can do to help
.
I have always wanted to be in magazines
, she says, a bit of breathlessness in her voice, posing for someone I can't see.

This could be big
, says Jim,
for both of us
.

Well
,
I need my luck to turn. We make a good team
,
Jimmy
.

She puts her hands on his face and he stands there letting her like he's stuck in time.

I've got my work cut out for me
, he says, breaking the spell.
I must have six rolls to process of you alone
.

No bad pictures
, says Mother.
You know the rules
.

Jim shrugs and flips through the little notepad he keeps.
I can't make any promises
,
doll
.

I mean it
,
Jim
.

Me
,
too
, he says, tucking his notebook back in his pocket and grabbing my shoulder.
I'm going to shoot the Stock Exchange now
.
You wanna come?
he asks me.
I think you should. It's not going to be standing much longer. Time is running out
.

Go ahead
, says Mother. Then she says,
Hey, Jimmy. I miss you. I wish you'd come around more
. He squints behind his glasses like what she's saying hurts.

When we start walking to his car, Jim says,
I hear someone's going to have a fancy birthday party
.

It's no big deal
, I tell him.

It's a big deal to turn eleven
.
Although
. . .

What?
I ask.

I wouldn't be eleven again for all the tea in China
.

I lean Jim's tripod against my other shoulder and think I must look like a toy soldier.

How's it going at home? With David and all
, he asks.

I can't really tell
, I say.
He's in love with Mother
.

I'm sure
, says Jim, scratching his mustache.
And she loves him?

She acts like she does
.

Does that mean she does?

How am I supposed to know?
I say.

I don't know
, says Jim.

Are you coming to the party?

Are you kidding me? I wouldn't miss it for the world
.

We stop in front of the building. I look up and try to count the floors, but I lose track. There is a crane parked in the street and a ball hanging from it, which is almost as big as Jim's car. All the entrances are blocked.

You want to go in there?
I ask.

Do you know who did this one?

I have no idea.
Just let me think
.

He's my favorite
, says Jim.

I know this. Jim gave me a sentence for remembering. Try not to sully the van, whatever that means.

Sullivan
.

You're so smart
, he says.

Jim turns his back to the building and watches the street, then all of a sudden says,
Follow me. Quick
.

He slides open a small panel covering an open space in the wall and we climb in. It's dark and dirty and the floor is covered with piles of stone, glass, and wire, piles much taller than I. But the railings and columns are beautiful, smooth, and black with very small engravings all over. I try to get the dust out of all the small places with my fingers.

We climb the stairs, up and up, until my legs burn. When we can't go any farther, we step into a room with an open place in the ceiling. Wires and beams hang, some of them move in the wind.

I don't want to be here
, I tell Jim. All the other buildings we've been in feel like they'd stand up through anything—storms, wind, bombs. But not this one. This one feels loose.

A few shots and we're out
, he says.

Something falls. I jump and knock over the tripod.

It's okay
, says Jim.
I wasn't screwed in yet
.

Can't you just hold your camera?
I say, watching him slowly turn the screw into the bottom of his camera.

It's too dark in here
, he says.
I'll be fast
.

I think I hear something move, but when I look at Jim, he doesn't seem to have heard it. There's so much dust in the air I can push my hand through it. I want to leave, I want to be home in my room on the floor with my notebook. This is what it will look like, I think, after the bomb falls. Everything will be like this.

I look up at a hole in the ceiling. Through it I can see the clouds fly by so fast, unbelievably fast. It makes me feel like I'm spinning and I start to run. I've got to get out. As I fly down the stairs, my hands collecting dust from the rail, I hear Jim yell,
I'm right behind you
,
kid
.

When we get out Jim sets down his gear and hugs me.

I'm so sorry
, he says.
I didn't mean to scare you
.

I know
.

She's just so beautiful, though
,
isn't she?

I nod.

I wanted you to see it before she's gone
.

I thought it was going to fall on us
, I say, and then I start crying.

Oh
,
doll
,
she's been standing here nearly a hundred years. She's not going down without a fight
.

I put my hands in my pockets and can taste the dust in my mouth.

We're okay
, he says.
We're okay
, and we head back home.

CHAPTER 31

T
HE NEXT MORNING
, David wakes me up so early it feels like the middle of the night. Right away I think something is wrong.

Is she okay?
I ask him as soon as I sit up.

David shakes his head no and waves his hand.
We have to run an errand. Top secret
.

I climb out of bed and stand in front of him.
You have to leave so I can change
, I tell him.

Yeah
,
right
, he says as he goes into the hallway. I close the door behind him and wish I were back in bed.

When we get in his car, there's dew on the windshield. It's chilly and nobody is out on the streets except for some trucks.

Thanks for coming
, he says.
I needed a sidekick this morning
.

I cross my arms and look out the window.

We stop in front of a small florist shop. A thin man in a white apron stands in the door holding a cigarette with one hand and rubbing his eyebrows with the other.

They shake hands and we follow him inside. He gives us several large trash bags that weigh almost nothing. David fishes some cash out of his pocket and the thin man is clearly happy with how much is there.

Pleasure doing business
, says the man. David tips his hat and we throw the bags in the backseat. As we drive, a pale, sweet smell fills the car. I take deep breaths through my nose with my eyes closed, and think I can almost feel the smell behind my eyes.

David sees me and laughs. I look at him.
Pretty swell
,
huh?
he says.

I nod.

He pulls over by a small park not too far from the hotel and turns off the engine. I say,
Wait
.

Leaning back, he rests his hands on his thighs. He has such big hands, kind of hairy, and the cuffs of his shirts are always perfectly white. I wonder if he knows the first thing about surviving a bomb.

Finally he says,
What we waiting for?

I don't want to leave this smell
, I tell him.

Let me see
, says David, closing his eyes. I hear him take a deep long breath.

We sit there smelling the air for a few minutes, and once I feel like I've memorized the smell, like I'll never ever forget it, I tell David,
Okay
,
I'm ready now
.

We get out of the car, he grabs a bag, and I do the same. There is a bench near a cluster of trees where Mother likes to sit sometimes and I follow David to it.

He opens up his bag and turns it over, dumping flower petals all over the ground and the bench. They are pink and red and white and some yellow. I open my bag and scoop the petals out with my hand, feeling them, feeling how I can hardly feel them they're so soft and light. Sticking my head down into the bag, I take a very long breath.

Enough already
, he says.
Just dump her
.

I turn the bag over and the petals fall, some of them lifting up on the wind to drop here and there.

What's this all about?
I ask.

What's this all about
, says David.
You sound like Jim. You're a little Jim
.

So what's it all about?
I ask, mad that he's talking about Jim like he knows him.

Cool your jets
,
Jim
, he says.
You'll see soon enough
.

You think I'm supposed to be all excited about you because you're my dad. I don't have to get excited if I don't want
.

David stops and kneels down in front of me.
I know. You're absolutely right. But you gotta give me a shot. Give me a break
,
here
,
kid
.