Laughing Gas (16 page)

I backed a bit, and looked up. It was the butler in whose midriff I had been parking myself.

Chapter 15

'Oof
!
'
he s
aid, massaging the wound. 'Woof!
'

Had I been my usual courteous self, I should no doubt have paused to apologize and condole, for there was no question that I had caught the man a stinker. His face was a vivid mauve and his gooseberry eyes were watering freely. But I had no time now for doing the civil thing to butlers. I wanted to overtake Egg)' and go on with my statement.

With this end in view, I hared for the front door, only to find that he was nowhere in sight. He had gone, leaving not a rack behind.

It was in sombre mood that I returned to the hall. The butler was still there, looking somewhat restored. The purple flush had left his face, and he had ceased to knead his waistcoat. He was leaning against the wall, puffing gently. Nature and a
robust constitution had apparentl
y pulled him through.

I gave him a bleak look. I found it hard to forgive him for his untimely intrusion. But for encountering him in the fairway, I should have been able to resume my chat with Eggy, amplifying the statement I had made with corroborative detail, as old Plimsoll would say. And owing to being delayed, I had lost him. He had vanished beyond recall, like the dew off a rose. Blast all butting-in butlers was the way I felt about it.

'Sir,' said this one, as I floated by.

I gave him another bleak look. His conversation was the last thing I desired. I wanted to brood. 'Might I have a word with you, sir?' I went on floating by.

'I have had an idea, sir. With reference to the matter we were speaking of over your breakfast-tray.' I continued to pass along.

'This matter of money, sir.'

This checked me. No other word in the language would have done it. I stopped, looked, and listened.

'You mean you've thought of a way by which I can collect a bit of capital?'

'Yes, sir. I fancy I have found the solution to our problem.'

I goggled. He did not look a remarkably intelligent man. And yet, if credence was to be given to his words, he had succeeded where many a fine thinker would have failed.

'You have?'

'Yes, sir.'

'You mean that on reflection you find that you can advance me a trifle?' 'No, sir.'

'Then what
do
you mean?'

He became a bit conspiratorial. He looked this way, and he looked that. He peeped into the drawing-room and he peered up the stairs.

'It came to me as I was cleaning the silver, sir.'

'What did?'

'This idea, sir. I have often found that my brain is at its nimblest when I am cleaning the silver. It is as though the regular rhythmical motion assisted thought. His lordship frequently used to say —'

'Never mind about his lordship. What's your idea?'

He repeated the Secret Society stuff. 'Are we alone and unobserved?' his manner seemed to say. He lowered his voice to a whisper.

'The tooth, sir
!'

I did not follow him.

'What's the truth?'

'Not truth, sir - tooth, sir.'

'Tooth?'

'Yes, sir. What crossed my mind, as I cleaned the silver, was the tooth. It came to me all of a sudden.' I could make nothing of this. His words were the words
130
of a plastered butl
er. But surely no butler could be plastered at so early an hour as this. Even Eggy hardly ever was. 'Whose tooth?*

'Yours, sir.' A look of anxiety came into his face. 'You have the tooth, sir?' I continued to grope. 'I had a tooth out yesterday.'

'Yes, sir. That's the one I mean. Did the dentist give it to you, sir?'

'How do you mean, give it to me? He took it from me.'

'Yes, sir, but when I was a small lad and had a tooth extracted the dentist would always give it to me to keep among my knick-knacks. And I was hoping —'

I shook my head.

'No. Nothing of that sort oc —' I paused. A sudden recollection had come to me. 'Yes, he did, by Jove. I've got it here in a cardboard box.'

I felt in my pocket, and pulled the thing out. The butler uttered an ecstatic 'Ha 1'

'Then all is well, sir,' he said in a relieved voice, like a butler who has had a weight taken off his mind.

I still didn't get it.

'Why?'

He became the Black Hander once more. He looked this way and he looked that. He peeped hither and peered thither. Then he lowered his voice to such a whisper that I couldn't hear a damn word.

'Speak up,' I said sharply.

He stooped and placed his lips to my ear.

'There's gold in that thar tooth
!'

'Gold? Filling, do you mean?'

'Money, sir.'

'What!'

'Yes, sir. That was what suddenly came to me as I was cleaning the silver. One moment, my mind was a blank, as you might say. The next, I'd got it. I was polishing the cup Mr Brinkmeyer won in the Motion Picture Magnates'

Annual Golf Tournament at the time, and it just fell from my hands. "Puncture my vitals!" I said
...'
⁴
Eh?'

' "Puncture my vitals", sir. It was a favourite expression of his lordship's in moments of excitement. "Puncture my vitals!" I said. "The tooth!" '

'Meaning what?'

'Think, sir, think
I
Reflect what a position you hold in the public esteem, sir. You are the Idol of American Motherhood. And the fans are inordinately desirous of obtaining souvenirs of their favourites, I can assure you. I have known large sums to change hands for one of Mr Fred Astaire's trouser buttons, very large sums indeed. And the human appeal of a trouser button cannot be compared with that of a tooth.'

I quivered. I had got his meaning at last.

'You think this tooth could be sold?'

'Over the counter, sir, over the counter.'

I quivered again. The man was beginning to inflame me.

'Who would buy it?'

'Anybody, sir. Any of the big collectors. But that would take time. My idea would be to approach one of these motion-picture magazines. The
Screen Beautiful
suggests itself. I should be vastly surprised if they didn't give two thousand dollars for it!'

'What!'

'Yes, sir, and they'd get their money back a dozen times over.' 'They would?'

'Certainly they would, sir. What would happen is, they'd run a competition for their readers. A dollar to enter the contest and the Cooley tooth to go to whoever did whatever it was - like it might be naming the twelve most popular stars in their correct order, or something like that.'

My head was buzzing. I
felt as if I had backed an out
sider in the Grand National and seen it skip over the last fence three lengths in front of the field.

'Two thousand dollars?'

'More, sir. Five, if you had a good agent.'

'Do you know a good agent?'

'What I would suggest, sir, is that you employed me to handle the deal for you.' 'Would you?'

'I should be proud and happy to do so, sir. For the customary agent's commission.' 'What would that be?' 'Fifty per cent, sir.'

'Fifty? I know an author chap whose agent sells his stuff for ten.'

'Literary productions, yes, sir, but not teeth. Teeth come higher.'

'Fifty's much too much. Dash it, it's my tooth.' 'But you are not in a position to trade.' 'I know, but —'

'You need somebody who knows how to talk terms.' 'Do you know how to talk terms?' He laughed indulgently.

'You would not ask that, sir, if you had ever seen me negotiating for my commission with the local tradesmen.'

I stood musing. The conversation might have reached a deadlock, had he not made a gesture.

'Well, well, sir, we will not haggle. Shall we say twenty?'

This seemed more reasonable.

'Right ho.'

'Though twenty per cent on the transaction will not make me a rich man. However, it shall be as you say. Might I have the box, sir, and perhaps a line in your handwriting, guaranteeing authenticity. These magazine editors have become very suspicious of late, ever since Film Fancies was took in by a Clark Gable undervest which proved to be spurious. I have a fountain-pen, sir. Perhaps you would just write a few words on the box.'

'Something like "Authorized toot
h of J. Cooley. None other is ge
nuine"?'

'
That w
ould do admirably, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. I will take it to the magazine office directly luncheon is concluded. Until then I fear that my official duties will confine me to the premises.'

Some hours later, I was pacing beside the swimming-pool, humming a gay air. Luncheon was over. So were my troubles. The future, once so dark, seemed bathed in a golden glow.

The smooth, efficient way in which this excellent butler had taken charge was enough to show me that I could have placed my affairs in no better hands. He might have been selling teeth on commission all his life. He had rung up the
Screen Beautiful,
arranged for an interview, settled that the money, when a figure had been arrived at, was to be paid in small bills, and had gone off to the office to close the deal.

I had had a rotten lunch, at which the spinach
motif
had been almost farcically stressed, but despite the aching void within me I felt a new child. I was all buoyancy and optimism. Even if this butler proved to be less of a spell-binder than I took him to be and only managed to get a couple of thousand, that would be ample for my purpose. And something in his calm, purposeful face and quiet, confident manner seemed to tell me that he would extract the top price.

And so, as I say, I hummed a gay air, and would no doubt have continued to hum it for some little time, had not my attention been attracted by an intermittent low whistling which appeared to proceed from a clump of bushes across the lawn. I supposed, at first, that it was merely some local bird doing its stuff, but a few moments later a female voice spoke.

'Hey! Joseph!'

Ann's voice. I went across to see what she wanted.

Chapter 16

The
bushes were so thick that I couldn't see her at first. Then her face came into view and I noted that she, like the recent butler, had gone all conspiratorial. One of her eyes was closed in a significant wink, and attached to her lips was a finger. She
was also wiggling her nose warn
ingly, and when she spoke, it was in a croupy whisper.

'S'h
!'
she said.

'Eh?’

'Secrecy and silence
!'
'How do you mean?' 'Where's Miss Brinkmeyer?' 'I don't know. Why?'

'There is dark work afoot, young Joseph. Speak low, for the very walls have ears. I've got a pork pie for you.' 'What!'

I don't know when I've been so profoundly moved. At that moment, my devotion to April June very nearly transferred itself to this girl before me. It was as if I were getting on to her hidden depths for the first time. I spoke in a trembling voice.

'You've got it on you?'

'It's in the house.'

'What size pork pie?'

'A big one.'

'Gosh!'

'Not so loud. Are you sure Miss Brinkmeyer's nowhere around?'

'I haven't seen her.'

'I'll bet she pops up
...
There
!'

From the direction of the house there had come a rasping voice, and, turning, I perceived the neighbourhood curse hanging out of an upstairs window. She was regarding me in a nosey and offensive manner.

'What are you doing there?' she asked, plainly of the opinion that whatever it might be it was something I ought not to be doing. Even at this distance one sensed the lack of trust and simple faith.

It was a moment for swift and constructive thought.

'I am watching a beetle,' I said.

'A what?'

'There is a beetle here. I am watching it.' 'You are not bringing beetles into the house.' I raised my eyebrows. Wasted on her at that range, of course.

'It is not my intention to bring it into the house. I am merely observing its habits.'

'Oh? Well, don't get yourself all mussed up.'

She disappeared, and Ann bobbed up once more like a wood-nymph.

'You see. Your every movement is watched. Conveying pork pies to you, young Joseph, is like carrying despatches through the enemy's lines. I was going to tell you to slip in here and await my return, but it isn't safe. I forgot she could see us from her bedroom window. I'll tell you what. Stroll casually along and nip into the bathing-hut. I'll join you there.'