Lawyers in Hell (17 page)

“Hah!  And I’d place a safe bet that’s why Satan likes to live there.”

Napoleon felt something brush against his leg and looked down.  One of the goats was nibbling on the grass by his foot.  “Damn!  Warn me the next time your four-footed lawnmowers are getting too close!”

Attila laughed.  “They’re pretty tame now that they’re not so hungry.  Look at the yard, will you, it’s neat as a pin!”  He slapped Napoleon on the shoulder.  “Good luck with your weird neighbor.  And I’ll see what I can do about the field phone.”

*

The repair crew from Windows4U had done an excellent job.  Marie had followed Napoleon’s instructions and watched carefully without appearing to do so.  Payment made, she decided to walk around to the backyard.  A small stream ran along the row of houses next to Hellview Golf and Country Club, separating the 18th green and club house from the residential neighborhood.  There were times when the flowing water sounded soothing and she enjoyed a brief respite from the continual trials of dwelling in hell.  Oh, she’d chosen her lot, refusing to leave New Hell and ascend back to Purgatory, because she couldn’t imagine leaving Napoleon.  As she had told him time and again, love was something the devil couldn’t understand and had difficulty dealing with.

She didn’t dare go too close to the stream.  Though it seemed innocent enough, nasty things periodically surfaced from beneath the water, and viewing them was something she scrupulously avoided.  Today, she stood in the middle of the yard and tried to enjoy a few moments of solitude.

A slight noise and a very faint scent of something noxious roused her from her thoughts.  She turned and was surprised to see the new neighbor standing by his back door.  Not wanting to appear nosy, she didn’t look directly at him, only slightly to one side.  And nearly let out a cry of surprise.

The few times she had seen the reclusive neighbor, he appeared to be a very tall, thin fellow, dark-haired, and with no memorable features.  But what she saw now was not human.  Scales covered his body and (oh, no!) he had a long, barbed tail that was slowly swaying back and forth.  Heart in her throat, she glanced away, hoping he had not noticed her looking in his direction.  Drawing a calming breath, she let her gaze focus squarely on him, then looked to the side so she could still see him with her peripheral vision.  The tail was there again, as were the scales.

Slowly, so as not to draw attention to herself, she turned and walked around the side of the house to the front yard.  Only then did fear consume her.  Napoleon!  He had to know!  And he had gone to Attila’s.  She rushed down the driveway and had just rounded the hedge when she saw Napoleon returning from his visit to the king of the Huns.

“Napoleon!” she gasped, grasping his hand.  “You’ve
got
to listen to me!  It’s important!”

“What’s wrong?” he asked, concerned softness touching his grey-blue eyes.

“It’s the new neighbor,” she explained, catching her breath.  “He ... it ... He’s a demon!”

*

Napoleon stiffened in surprise.  “A demon?  Are you sure?  How can you tell?”

She quickly explained how the neighbor’s true form had been revealed by viewing him with her peripheral vision.  He watched her closely as she talked, knowing full well it took a lot to intimidate her.  She’d witnessed too much in New Hell to be easily frightened, but what she had seen today had truly disturbed her.

“I’m going to see if he’s still out there.”

Napoleon let loose of her hand and hurried to the back yard.  Assuming a casual demeanor, he inspected the hedge that separated his yard from Wellington’s, ostensibly examining the growth of the bushes.  He glanced over his shoulder.  Yes, the neighbor was still standing by his door, seemingly unaware he was being spied upon.  Napoleon looked directly at him, then let his gaze move slightly to one side.

Marie had been correct.  Scales
and
a tail.

As if nothing had happened, he rejoined Marie.

“You’re right,” he said.  “Some kind of demon, I’m not sure of the genus.  You’d better warn Wellington, Attila and the rest of the neighborhood.”  He frowned.  “I’d like to know what’s going on here that we rate our own resident demon.”

Marie shook her head, to his eyes, she was still upset by what she’d seen.

“Let’s go.”  He took her arm and they set off around the hedge.

*

Wellington sat in a lawn chair on his front porch, his legs stretched out in front of him, apparently taking a nap.

“Wellington!  Wake up, will you!”

The Iron Duke lifted his head, blinking several times.  “Can’t you let a man rest for a moment?” he grumbled.  “I’ve just finished mowing.”

“This is more important that your yard right now.  We’ve got a demon living next to me.  You can’t tell by looking at him, but if you glance to one side, you can see his true form.”

That got Wellington’s attention.  “Damn!  You’re certain?”

“Marie pointed it out to me and, yes, I saw the same thing.”

“Oh, Damnation!  What are we going to do about –”

At that very moment, Martin Chase Standish, Esquire arrived unannounced at Wellington’s porch.  “Napoleon,” he said, without so much as a how-do-you-do, “have you had any luck yet with your new neighbor?”

“You might say so,” Napoleon replied, interested in Standish’s reaction.  “He’s a demon.  That’s why you were so disturbed when you talked to him.”

“What?
  A demon?  Posing as a human?  That’s totally irregular!  Unless they’re on some mission from their superiors, they’re supposed to retain their infernal form.”

“Thanks so much for the reassurance,” Wellington sniffed.

“What do we do about him?” Napoleon asked.  “You work at the Hall of Injustice.  I would guess you’d find a few demons there.”

“You’d be right.  But …” Standish’s voice trailed off and he assumed a thoughtful expression.  “I don’t think he’s supposed to be here.  This neighborhood is pretty much off limits to them.”

“You would know,” Wellington said.

Standish glared in Wellington’s direction.  “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“He
means,”
Napoleon quickly inserted, “you’re more familiar with demons, because of your profession, than we are.  No offense meant, I’m sure.”

Wellington lifted both hands.  “Of course, I wouldn’t dream of insulting you.”

And how do you know this neighborhood is “pretty much off limits”?  What else haven’t you shared with us?
  “You’re the Home Owner’s Association president,” Napoleon said.  “What are you going to do about the fact we have a demon living next to me?  And I thought Goebbels was bad enough.”

“Whatever happened to him?” Wellington asked.  “Do we even know?”

“Here one day and gone the next.  Forget Goebbels.  We’ve got a bigger problem now.”

“Hmmm.”  Standish rubbed his nose.  “I’d be willing to bet that demon’s gone AWOL.”

“AWOL?  A demon?  Absent without leave?”

“Yes.  There have been instances when a demon of lower rank has tried to escape torment by his superiors.  They attempt to disappear into the population of the damned, keeping as low a profile as possible.  That’s probably why no one ever sees him except in his backyard.”

“Thanks for the history lesson.  That still doesn’t solve our problem.  As far as I know, it’s not easy to kill a demon.”

“Well ... in certain circumstances....”

“Don’t let Attila know,” Marie inserted, much calmer by now.  “He’d try.”

“Mostly for the fun, sport and amusement of it, I’m sure.”  Napoleon locked eyes with Standish.  “Maybe there’s a legal way to get rid of him.”

“What?”

“You’re the lawyer.  Certainly you have something in your bag of tricks that can help us.”

Standish’s face lit up.  “There’s a good possibility of that, especially if he
has
gone AWOL.”

Wellington drew himself up to his full aristocratic height.  “And?”

“I’ll have to do some research.  I’ll get on Gurgle and check the list of local demons to ascertain their locations.  I
do
have access to such things.  A highly restricted password, you know.”

“And then?” Napoleon asked, allowing just a bit of impatience to tinge his voice.

“If it
is
true, I’ll file an emergency petition.”  He lifted his chin and assumed his best trial lawyer’s stance.  “Hellview Estates Home Owner’s Association versus Demon of Unknown Origin, Emergency Petition Alleging Fraud Against the Infernal Government.”  His voice deepened and smoothed, as if he addressed a jury.  “Hellview Estates Home Owner’s Association (hereinafter referred to as ‘Petitioner’) alleges –”

“Save it for your brief,” Napoleon said.  “We’ve got to get busy.”

Standish grinned, the first time anyone had seen such an expression cross his face in months.  “I’ll get points for this, of course.  Can’t hurt my standing.  Leave it to me.  I’ll let you know what happens.”

With that, Standish turned and set off toward the sidewalk and his house.

“I thought mowing my grass every day was a bloody pain,” Wellington complained, watching Standish go.

“Welcome to New Hell,” Napoleon said.

*

Several days passed without so much as a peep from Standish.  The demon neighbor still kept to his backyard and totally ignored anything happening around him.  The vandalism that had escalated in the neighborhood had died down, leaving Attila’s children as the likely culprits.  No one had mentioned the neighbor’s true identity to Attila for fear the Hun would try to solve the problem in his usual bloodthirsty way.  In fact, Attila had been called up for maneuvers with the Infernal National Guard in response to mounting unrest in the region.  That left the goat herding up to his wives who, as usual, were not overly fond of such duty.

This day, Napoleon and Marie were busy trimming the hedge.  The bushes had grown bushier during the night and, along with fighting the ever-present weeds in his driveway and grass, Napoleon was certain he would reach master gardener status before long.

“I wonder why we haven’t heard from Standish,” Marie said, dumping a handful of hedge into the basket that had become her ever-present accessory.

“Who knows?”  Napoleon took another swipe at the hedge with his clippers.  “I’m familiar with how events unfold at the Hall of Injustice and it’s as they say:  the wheels of justice grind slowly.”  He lifted an eyebrow.  “If there’s anything that might bring New Hell to a stop, it would be bureaucracy run amok.”

“Where’s Wellington been?  He didn’t even join us for dinner last night, and I haven’t seen him all day.”

“I think the fact a demon lives two doors away has rattled him; not that it hasn’t rattled us.  I also think he’s beginning to regret the purchase of his hellphone.”

Marie laughed.  “Did you see the hellphone tower in the middle of Decentral Park yesterday?  I happened to look up and there it was.  Not five minutes later, it had disappeared.”

“Huhn.  Let’s hope one of them doesn’t end up in our living room.”

“I imagine the Cong weren’t thrilled with the intrusion.”

“Probably not.”  Napoleon straightened and surveyed his handiwork.  “Speaking of the Cong, we’re going to have to deliver ribs soon now, or they’ll go back to shelling the neighborhood.”

A mischievous expression crossed Marie’s face.  “Maybe we can get them to target our neighbor’s house.  In exchange for an extra large delivery of ribs,” she amended.

Napoleon shook his head.  “I wouldn’t want to be a party to that.  We have enough trouble as it is.”  He winced inwardly.  He had to stop saying that.  Not that it wasn’t true, but it verged on the repetitious.

Marie half-turned toward the stream.  “Don’t look now; our neighbor is in his backyard again.”

“Scales and tail and all?”

“Hullo!”  Wellington came through the side yard.  “Your hedge looks smashing.  Nearly as neatly trimmed as my side.”

“Where have you been?” Napoleon asked.  “Have you managed to ‘lose’ your hellphone yet?”

“Not yet.  I’m working on it.”  Wellington studiously avoided looking in the direction of Napoleon’s new neighbor.  “I think you and I need to have a talk.”

“Oh?”

“It’s about the goats.  Attila’s goats.  The goats you never bothered to tell me about.”

“Oh,
those
goats.  I didn’t think you’d be interested.”

“And how would you –”

Suddenly, the air temperature felt like it dropped at least twenty degrees, and the afternoon light dimmed slightly.  Marie stepped closer to Napoleon, and Wellington’s face turned pale.  Napoleon couldn’t resist the temptation to look at the demon neighbor’s yard.  And fervently wished he hadn’t.

Things that could only have been conjured from a nightmare had crawled up out of the stream running behind the neighborhood.  Not the usual nastiness that sometimes rose up above the water, these things were straight out of one of the lower planes of the hells.  And from the front of the neighbor’s yard stalked four large demons, each uglier and more vicious looking than the next.

Napoleon’s neighbor let out a shriek that probably curdled the blood of anyone within a half mile radius.  The things from the stream advanced quickly, as did the newcomers.  The demon neighbor stood transfixed, frozen still as stone.

Napoleon put his arms around Marie, unable to look away from what transpired next.  Wellington had turned to watch as well, his face gone paler still.

The four demons surrounded the demon neighbor, as the things from the stream drew closer, and a cloying scent of coppery decomposition wafted on a slight breeze.

“Whatever you do, Marie,” Napoleon said in a hushed voice, “don’t look.”

The demon neighbor shrieked.  The other demons growled and howled.

With deliberate slowness, the attacking demons began to systematically dismember Napoleon’s neighbor, throwing chunks and strips of him toward the things from the stream.  Drops of thick, gelatinous fluid flew in all directions.  The aquatic newcomers snarled and hissed as they fought for the dripping pieces thrown to them.  The screams grew in intensity.  All semblance of humanity had vanished from the demon neighbor, now revealed in his true form.