Learning to Forgive (The Learning Series) (5 page)

He only shrugs and keeps his eyes on mine. “You know who sent me, dumbass. The why is because rumor has it Polesky is in town, and they think you may need me.”

Pissed off, agitated, and excited, I pull my hair before I have a chance to punch my door. I’d love to face off one on one, but he always has his thugs do his dirty work. He’s nothing but an exaggerated pussy. I’ve been waiting for him to come on my fucking turf, but I know he’s bringing his posse to showoff and protect his ass. I also know there’s going to be trouble. Now I have another person to watch out for.
Fuck!
Regardless of my anger, I need to get my shit ready and constantly watch what’s mine.

Nicholas Polesky and his entire family are known to take what they want in the past. He was the worst then, and I’m sure he’s the same bastard he was nine years ago. Memories of red, warm blood covering my hands from what that fucker’s family took from me cause my palms to twitch, ready to take them down again. This was where my reason to hate him and his entire empire surfaced. In that dark alley, I took something from him and got my revenge, but it started our hatred for one another.

Shaking the memory of Carly’s lifeless green eyes out of my brain, I unlock the door to my home and try to bring my head to the here and now. I concentrate on the stonework around the fireplace and wooden frame of the mahogany crown molding and high ceilings until my heart slows down. I like this house. It’s the nicest I’ve stayed in, besides one back in New Orleans. The gated suburban community helps me keep a low profile and prevents burnouts and junkies from coming here for their next fix. I keep surveillance everywhere and only have a few trusted men in. Ryan being one of them. Lou, my bodyguard and warehouse dog being the other, and I guess Hyde’s ass being the third.

Walking into the kitchen, I don’t say another word as Hyde follows behind me. I fix myself a stiff shot of Everclear and let my thoughts try to work out a plan as the warmth flows down my throat. The Reform gives you one man you report to daily with all new information. If something happens and action is needed,
you
make a plan and handle it. If you fail, then you’re useless to them after that and disposable.

Hyde leans against the dark granite counter, watching me intently. “So I’m here to help get this mess cleaned up and save your ass. I don’t want any lip about it either. You’ve saved my ass before, and it’s time to repay the favor.” He sees my dark look that says ‘fuck off’ but ignores it. “You know we have no fucking choice in the matter, man. So go ahead and think of something to tell the people you associate with, and then figure out where you want me. Either I go into Jay’s or the warehouse. I have to keep surveillance on both, but only one needs to know my face. Massey’s orders.”

He’s right. I have no choice in the matter. He’s been through the same shit I’ve been through while in The Reform, so I know he’s capable of handling his own. I also know he’s talented. His rich parents put him in every extracurricular activity a child could do, music, acting, karate. You name it, this kid did it. He does have skills and his photographic memory will come in handy. Plus he’s smart with the tech shit. I’m more of a hands-on guy and computers aren’t my thing. And if Massey, our go-to guy, said it, I know it’s legit.

As I’m swallowing down my last gulp, I feel like a fucking genius as the perfect solution to one of my problems is formed. “Well, Hyde, if you have to be here, then I hope you brought some different clothes. Cause that pretty boy shit you’re wearing ain’t gonna cut it. Not for what I have in mind,
Cuz
.”

“I am who I am for a reason. A reason I wish to forget and therefore forget who I am.”

~Blaire

Blaire

I’m cold as I lie here hiding under my blanket. He’s home, and beer cans were scattered around the living room floor when I came home earlier, so I know what’s coming. The sun’s lowering, but soft light still reaches my eyes as I bury deeper in my blanket wanting to disappear. However, its smell is my reminder that I’m still here. Even though I’ve washed it a thousand times, it still smells of stale beer and him. I wish Benji didn’t leave me again. I wish I asked to go instead of staying here, but his life is so different from mine. Where I fold into myself for solitude, he reaches out and socializes. Laughing and flirting with all the local girls. Girls who look so happy and carefree. Not me. I’ll never be like that.

Hearing the television click off, I hold my breath and pray. Pray he’ll pass out… Pray my lock works tonight. When I hear the handle jiggle, my shaking escalates while a cold sweat breaks out all over my body. My fear of monsters still lives at fifteen-years old, but this monster is all too real.

Grabbing my pillow, I bury my face in the cool case and breathe in and out… in and out while counting to ten. Concentrating on my breathing and the feeling of dizziness, I don’t hear the door open or his approach. When the bed dips, I freeze all actions and wait for what’s to come. Wait for it to be over.

“Blaire? Wake up, honey. Coffee and bacon are ready.”

Startled awake by Janet’s voice, I inhale a large gulp of clean air and sit up so fast I feel dizzy afterwards. On the third inhale, I notice the air smells of coffee and vanilla incense instead of sweat and agony, of safety instead of a threat. Looking around, my eyes adjust, and then I notice I’m still sitting in the old, green chair I fell asleep in. However, the visions remain, and the feelings they cause don’t leave so easily.

I’m shaking as my nightmare encompasses my entire soul. I think of all the years of disgust and feel my stomach roll like a tidal wave. Covering my mouth, I stand up and run to the kitchen sink to vomit. I’m gagging so hard that tears form in my eyes, but they could be from the dream I just had. No! Not a dream. It was a memory. A fucking memory that leaves me with nightmares. Nightmares that only Benji could make better. Nightmares that trigger my whole spirit to deteriorate.

“Mouse? Are you okay, hon?” Janet stands by my side as I turn on the faucet to clean my mess. She gently touches my shoulder, but I stiffen and she releases me. I know she means well but touching anything or anyone right now is not an option. I stare down as the water eventually cleans away what little contents that I had in me, while wishing everything could be wiped away and cleaned up so easily. My knuckles are white, and my fingers have lost feeling from my grip on the countertop, but something cold on my hand has me loosening my hold. Janet places a wet cloth on top before she turns to finish what she was doing.

I’m thankful she doesn’t say anything else. I don’t want to talk about what I went through or what I caused Benji to experience because of it. I shut off the water and wipe my face with the damp rag before I go and jump in a scalding hot shower where I scrub and scrub, desperate to feel a sliver of cleanliness. My tattoos can’t cover the filthiness that I have become used to over the years. But I’m hopeful. Hope is all I have left in life besides being a coward. I’m too scared just to stop it all.

Time passes, and the water becomes cold. Forcing myself out, I dry off. When I open the door, I see a pile of neatly folded clothes on the floor and recognize them right away. My old Guns N’ Roses t-shirt seems to fit the same, but the old jeans have me lying across Janet’s bed to zip them up. They used to leave some breathing room, but now my ass looks like it is covered in body paint. I guess it’s from wearing heels and the classes I took this past year. Or I put on some weight in the ass area. I don’t care though. At this point, I’d wear a trash bag to get out of my earlier prostitute attire I wore back here.

Making my way back in the dining area, I see Janet sitting at the table, reading the paper, and drinking coffee. She looks tired from last night’s shift and I see the shadows under her dimmed eyes still.

When I sit down across from her, she slides an extra cup of coffee I didn’t notice before in my direction. Instead of bringing up what happened earlier, she gets to the point. “First thing I want to know is how’d you get in here? I didn’t see any busted windows, so I know you didn’t force your way in.”

Looking at her, I arch my brow. “The spare key you leave under that fake rock thing. It’s in the same place that it’s been in since I met you.”

She nods her head before grabbing her pack of cigarettes off the table. “Okay. Then after you pulled that shit last night, why’d you show up here?”

Looking down, I let last night replay in my mind. I shouldn’t have acted like that to Janet. Maybe to everyone else, but not her. Looking up, I stare in her direction and tell her the truth. “This was the only place I had to go.” Her face softens a fraction, but I don’t want her pity. I just want her to know how sorry I am. “I know I shouldn’t have yelled at you, but I’ve had a shitty forty-eight hours. I was robbed and left with only some whore shoes and Benji’s old guitar. I had just enough money for a bus ticket and a bag of chips. So I was pissed seeing Benji’s bike outside of Jay Jay’s last night and starving and really,
really
hurt, Janet. Hurt because I feel like someone else has betrayed me by taking something from me. But after I came here last night, I realized how stupid that was because you were right. I shouldn’t expect you to keep my things and then disappear like I did.” I wipe an errant tear away. “I’m sorry.” My voice cracks as I apologize. Taking a deep breath, I make an effort to calm my crazy emotions the best I can.

She walks up and touches my shoulder again. This time I don’t freeze or let it trigger a memory. I absorb the fact someone cares for me. Someone whom I trust out of everyone on this earth. “All right, hon. Enough of this mushy shit. I need some sleep before we open tonight, and you have a job to get ready for.”

Just like that, I’m employed, and she’s forgiven me. I wish forgiveness was that easy for me.

Walking into Jay Jay’s at three in the afternoon on a Sunday is surreal. I am surprised Janet started opening again on Sundays in the first place because we were usually dead. However, she said with business booming every other night, the old regulars requested one night of quiet drinking. So here I am, in my old black T-shirt that says STAFF on the back, walking through the familiar place.

I’m feeling hesitant because I’m unsure how tonight will play out. When Janet mentioned Trudy was in charge of the wait staff, I felt my back stiffen as I went on alert. Even though I want that bitch to pay for making my brother miserable, I promised Janet I’d behave while on her clock. I let her know real quick that Trudy wasn’t my boss, and I refused to take orders from a gold-digger. Of course, she quickly jumped to Trudy’s defense. I guess the little hussy has everyone fooled.

The lunch shift is closing up and getting ready for the night crowd as I make my way toward the back staff lounge that sits across from Janet’s office. It’s cleaner than I remember, and it’s even sporting a new red couch against the wall and a small TV. I guess business has picked up this past year for her to be able to afford such amenities for the employees.

After placing my bag inside and closing my locker, I turn and see the
princess
herself walk in, wearing the same smile that used to fool me. When our eyes meet, she stops short and loses it.

“Blaire… um… I’m so glad you’re okay.” She tries to smile, but it won’t hold. The last time we saw one another was at my brother’s funeral when my palm landed across her face. That was truly the worst day of my life. Out of all the pain I’ve suffered through in my life, seeing my once happy brother lying in a satin lined casket with cold skin, and no smile hurt worse than anything ever could. It literally felt as though a blade was cutting me in half. I begged for his eyes to open. For this to be some sick joke of his. But he didn’t, and I knew this would be the last time I saw him. That image is forever in my mind, and the feelings of loss will always be there, no matter how much time passes.