Learning to Forgive (The Learning Series) (8 page)

His face pales and narrowed eyes widen, confirming my thoughts were dead-on. He’s a poser. Mandy might have taken my hard-earned money, but she left me with some pretty keen observation skills. Before he can defend himself, Carlos breaks through the gathered crowd to snatch the guy up and leads him out. With everyone’s eyes now on me from the commotion, I feel panic set in as my adrenaline lessens.

“I need a minute to myself.” Chris gives me the okay but offers me a shot of something clear before I leave. My shaking must be obvious. As the burn flows down my throat and settles in my stomach, I pass onlookers and push my way to the lounge. Sitting on the couch, I put my head between my legs and take deep breaths and count. Hopefully, the liquor will kick in soon and help calm me, but the emotions from moments ago are still there. I’m not used to defending myself. It’s still new and can be very overwhelming. The burning clog in my throat starts to build, but I refuse to cry. I’m tired of being weak.
You’re okay, Blaire… You’re okay.

“Everything will be okay, Blaire. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I’m so sorry. I won’t let him touch you again. I promise. We’ll tell someone and get out of here. Grandma will help.” Benji rambles and cleans my back as I lay on the floor huddled in myself shaking. I’m in a dark place, but his words still reach me. With each touch of the cloth on my flesh, a sting causes more pain that reminds me of earlier while I suffered. It’s my fault I’m in pain. I fought back. He always warned me not to, but I was stupid and did it anyways. Now my brother knows my darkest secret and it’s my fault. Now this blackness shadows not only me, but him, as well. And I can’t change it.

A thumping noise arouses me from my trance. Looking up through a few errant strands of red hair, I see Lyric watching me. “What now?” I ask and look down to get away from the way his stare makes my insides squirm. Not from fear that he’ll hurt me, but fear he’ll see me. Judge me and accuse me of what happened to not only me, but also my brother. And that’s something I don’t want anyone to do. Especially him.

He shrugs his broad shoulders that are covered in his tight orange t-shirt. I see the tattoos on his left arm and respect him a little more. Is that stupid? Yes. It makes no sense, but I think some weird bond is forming from that, and from the fact that he’s here. Obviously checking on me. And his art isn’t done on a desperate drunken night. It’s calculated and detailed. It obviously means a lot to him just as mine does me. “Just wanted to come see if you were okay before I get on stage again.”

I exhale before standing, but suddenly I feel dizzy and sway. Before I know it, his large hands are resting on my shoulders holding me steady. I grab his wrist in reaction to his touch and feel the speed of his pulse. “Sorry. I guess I stood up too fast after the shot Chris made me.” I look up expecting him to let me go, but he doesn’t. He just holds me and rubs his thumbs along my collarbone in a soft touch while staring. My skin tingles and I feel my stomach begin to flip. “You can let go now. I’m fine.”

He studies my face for a good minute while holding me in a trance. “No… No you’re not fine.”

He lets me go before he turns around and walks out the door. I’m frozen in place staring at the door he just walked through feeling pissed off and confused by his words.

After the bar closes and everyone is gone, I head to the kitchen and shut off the lights. Before Chris left, he asked if I needed a ride, but I feel like being alone tonight. I might sleep here instead of taking the bus. Janet had something to handle so she was off today and I don’t want to depend on her to pick me up like a kid.

I sit on the freshly wiped down bar with only the blue lights from the stage surrounding me and drink a beer. Why not get fucked up tonight? I feel like I’m coiled tight in a ball and ready to snap open and cause havoc. So instead of setting this place on fire I might as well drink. And with any hope pass out without a nightmare waiting for me.

My eyes take in the drums before they move to the left. I see an old acoustic guitar sitting in its stand, and I feel a pull. It reminds me of the one we used to practice with when mom was alive. When we were happy.

Music was how I always coped with my feelings and past. Now I don’t deal with them. I bury them. Just like I did my brother. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m jumping off the bar and slowly making my way past all the wiped down tables and stacked chairs until I’m standing in front of the steps that lead me to the place Benji and I actually bonded and felt at peace. I wonder if peace is still on that worn floor, or is it gone too? Like everything else.

I take a deep breath before I step up the first then the second step. Taking another swig of my beer, I look around the stage and freeze.
What am I doing?
Why do I need this shit?
“Fuck it!”
I throw my beer against the wall across from me. Climbing off stage is a lot easier than it was climbing up. Because even I know, there’s no going back and changing what happened. Tonight I plan on finding solace in the bottle instead of the music.

The red couch in Jay’s lounge has become my bed most nights during the week, but I still go shower at Chris’s house. He’s the only one who knows that I’m staying at the bar and has asked me on several occasions to stay with him, but I know he still suffers from PTSD and likes his solitude. Janet hasn’t said or asked me any questions about my whereabouts and I’m not surprised. I know I make her uncomfortable. If I didn’t then she’d be around more, but lately, she’s been MIA while Chris and Trudy run the joint. Besides, I feel more at home at Jay Jay’s than I do at her place.

Just the idea of a shower sounds perfect, and since it’s early, nobody is here yet, so I can get back before the lunch staff arrives. Heading to my locker, I snatch a fresh pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt because it’s getting cold. And that sucks if you don’t own a jacket. After my bag is packed, I shoot Chris a quick text, slip on some knockoff Toms, and wait for his reply. After I get the okay, I head out and run straight into Trudy.
Great.

“Ouch!”
She yelps before bending down to pick up some papers she dropped. “I’m so sorry Blaire.”

I ignore her and go to grab my shit off the floor. When my shampoo and the Ziploc bag holding my toothbrush and some other toiletries lands on the floor by her feet, I know I’m busted. My hands reach to snatch them up before she can. “Thanks, but I got it.” Jumping up, I make my way to the exit.

Just as I’m almost to the door, she calls out my name. “Do you need a ride?”

Rolling my eyes, I put my back to the door and push it open while I face the girl who fooled my brother with her lies. Even with her perfect hair pulled in a ponytail and green eyes that seem as sincere as all her gestures, she can’t fool me anymore.

When the door cracks open a cold wind blows in and causes me to shiver and think about her offer. Should I face the elements outside and freeze or take her up on her offer? When my teeth start to chatter from the icy breeze, I decide to let her take me.
Why?
You know that old saying keep your friends close but your enemies closer? Well this is case and point. I’ll tolerate her to find a way to hurt her the way she hurt me.

After we’re in her Civic, an awkwardness encompasses the small space. We haven’t been this close in a long time.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Swallowing my pride is hard but necessary to get inside her head. “Thanks. So what’s new around here?”

Her eyes widen a fraction with surprise before she tells me all about Jax’s sister, Jasmine and her new family. When she mentions the kidnapping incident that happened a few months ago, it floors me. That stuff is something you only see in movies or read in books. I smile, thinking of Mason. He was always quite like me and observed everything. Left good tips too. “What happened to the girl who took the baby?” I ask with innocent curiosity.

“She’s spending time in Metro jail. She still refuses to talk, and we’re all pretty sure that there was an accomplice, but we have nothing to go on.” Pulling into a foreign apartment complex, I give her a questionable look. She ignores it, smiles, and keeps driving. “I have a better idea.”

Attempting to hide my aggravation, I wait to see what she has up her sleeve. After she parks, we make our way up some concrete steps. I’m pretty sure we’re at her place because of how meticulous the landscaping is, as well as the structure of the two story red brick building. When she opens the apartment door, all the pictures of her and Jax decorating the foyer walls confirm my suspicions. Dark hardwood floors trail down the hall, and the living room is open to the kitchen on the left. I hear a loud barking and immediately jump. It’s so loud and deep I’m sure she has a lion or something in the back.

She sees my face and enlarged eyes then gently pats my shoulder. “He’s harmless. I promise.” I walk along the hard wood floors and stand behind the dark brown sectional, waiting to see what’s next. Trudy goes to the back and returns with a dog large enough eat me. Luckily, he’s on a harness. “Say hello to my friend Blaire, Hero.” Watching her talk to him as if he’s an actual person is weird, but maybe that’s because I’ve never had a pet before. He barks twice, and she pats his head, tells him what a smart boy he is, and then turns her attention to me. “This is Hero, my sweet baby.”

“That thing needs to be in a zoo. What is he?” With fear of being bitten, I hesitate before sticking out my hand toward his snout. A small smile forms when I feel the coldness of his nose on my skin.

“He is an African Rhodesian Ridgeback.”

He licks my hand, and the sliminess has me pulling away to wipe it on my leg. “I bet your neighbors hate y’all at times.”

“He’s harmless unless provoked. Jax bought him for me since he’s starting med school soon and wants me to have protection while he’s doing rounds. As far as the neighbors,” she shrugs, “they’ll get over it.”

She looks at Hero and uses that same high-pitched voice from moments ago. “You need to go outside?” His tail wags as she walks toward the front door before addressing me. “The bathroom is down the hall on the left. Make yourself at home. No one ever uses it. Well, besides David, but he’s clean… I think.” She smiles before leaving me standing there alone in her apartment. How can she trust me or
anyone
like that? Shaking my head, I walk toward the bathroom to take a much-needed shower.

After I’m dressed in fresh clothes, I make my way to the living room and see Trudy and her giant ass dog watching TV. He stands alert when he sees me, but she easily has him on stand down with one word. “Do you need a hairdryer? Mine is in the master bathroom. I can go get it for you.”

I run my fingers through my soggy hair. “Sure.” After she leaves to get it, I walk around and take in her home she shares with Jax. I see the love in their eyes as they pose either with family at the beach or friends at the bar. Then a particular picture catches my eye; it’s of my brother and me on stage. My finger traces his handsome face that could make me smile on a whim or piss me off just as fast. He was my only family, the only person who believed me, and that was because he endured just as much as I did. If he hadn’t come home early and if I hadn’t fought that night, then he wouldn’t have suffered.

“Here you go.”

I hear her voice but keep my focus on the picture and the girl I used to be. Sad anger tries to take hold, but I push it away until I can get away from her. “I’m ready to go.” My voice is a rough whisper due to my sudden grief. I don’t want this girl’s charity or sympathy. I don’t want to use anything that’s hers. But I know if I want to hurt her, I need to get close. I close my eyes for a second while I calm myself enough to face the girl who took it all away. When I open them up, I see her weakness and know exactly how I’ll hurt her and take all she loves away.