Learning to Forgive (The Learning Series) (10 page)

She makes her way on stage, and fuckers in the crowd make lewd comments. An urge to tell them to fuck off takes hold, but I bite my tongue. I don’t do emotions when it comes to women. I’m not a guy who wants what others have in this world. I accept my life how it is–the good, bad, and fucked up–because I’ve been through worse. But I feel something very close to jealousy with this messed up girl. Why else am I trying to piss her off and help her cope with her fucked up life? To accept this bad hand life’s dealt her? I might feel it, but I don’t fucking like these feelings of anger and fear that she might want one of those asshole’s attention. Fear that she might actually like one of them. Just like with Ryan the other day… I was ready to take her away when he asked her out. Keeping my smile intact, I hide my inner thoughts and realizations. I can’t afford this shit. Not now and not ever. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want her.

When she is beside me, she once again holds out my drink, but I ignore her and address the crowd instead. If pissing her off is my new hobby, then I’m having a field day. “Isn’t she nice everyone?” The crowd whistles and I look over and see her eyes harden at the same time pink crawls up her neck.
Dammit, that is hot
. “But not only is she a great waitress, she’s also one hell of a singer. So as a treat, I think she’d love to sing for us. Isn’t that right, Red?”

When I try to pass the mike, she shakes her head no before attempting to leave. My hand encases her small wrist, halting her. She refuses to look at me so I can’t see her reaction, but it doesn’t deter my tries in pissing her off. “Don’t let us down, Red. Let’s see what you’re made of.”

In slow motion, she turns my way. The crowd starts to chant ‘Red’ over and over. I see a hint of sadness before it morphs into anger again, then she snatches the mike and shoves my beer in my empty palm. “Fuck you.”

The crowd laughs as my heartbeat picks up. I love a good fighting partner. I enjoy having these moments of just being a guy in a band, instead of someone who kills people and smuggles drugs. Getting her riled up is icing on the cake. In fact, I might have just found my new habit.

Grabbing the other mike with my free hand, I decide to entice her to do my bidding. I don’t know why I give a fuck, or if any of this will help her in any way, but my gut tells me it will. I’m pretty fucked up, but I hate seeing someone innocent like her become another walking disaster. I’ve seen a lot of shit, growing up on the streets. “Red? How about we make a bet? You and me sing one song apiece. The audience votes for the winner.”

She stops pulling away, and her delicate features are cast in the colored lights of the stage. When her green eyes land on me and remind me of Carly, I release her. The likeness is so uncanny that I feel as though I’m standing beside a ghost.

“And why would I go along with this stupid idea of yours? I don’t perform anymore.”

“Because I have something you want.”

“I don’t want anything from you.”

“Not even a certain bike?”

Her chest heaves and her brows knit while her brain works. “You’d wager the bike?” I nod my head and hope she takes the bet. Within a heartbeat, her eyes become determined. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

I feel relief and fucking excitement coursing through my veins. Almost like I’ve went a few rounds with some asshole and kicked his ass. And it’s just because of some chick agreeing to perform a song. Hell… I bet Ben’s bike. The one thing I’ve always wanted to buy from him and took advantage of the opportunity after he died.

Janet had it stored at Benny’s shop, and after six months of it just sitting there, I approached her and bought the thing. Now I may lose it because I have a need to see this girl do better for herself. People go through shit in life that can make them or break them. She deserves to make it.

“Let’s get this shit started then.” Yelling to the roaring crowd, I look at Red. “Ladies first.”

Her eyes are hard as she picks up the acoustic guitar I had placed on stage all those weeks ago. Ryan comes up to add some drums to whatever she chooses to sing, but she just shakes her head no and sits on the stool before adjusting her microphone. The entire room becomes silent and waits. She takes a deep breath before time slows down and I watch her lips pucker as she exhales. My entire body feels the sensation of her breath on me even on the sidelines. I involuntary shiver. With shaking hands, she tunes the guitar, and guilt tries to set in my gut. I don’t let it though because I know she needs this. I don’t know how or why I know… I just do.

Finally, she’s ready and speaks to the crowd that patiently waits. “All right, everyone. I haven’t done this in a long… long time. Please bear with me. This song means a lot to me. It’s called
1000 Sundowns
.” She clears her throat as silence descends the mass of people.

Then the first chords of the guitar start and shudder from the gentleness of her fingers as they make contact with them. When her angelic voice starts the song, I feel like I’ve died. Like I shouldn’t be allowed to listen to something so clean while I remain covered in filth. The innocence her vocals portray is something I’ve never heard before. A feeling I’ve never felt before sets under my skin and warmth and heat build. There’s only one word I can call this feeling, and it’s a word I never thought to feel or experience. Peace.

She’s singing for her brother. Her emotions are in every word and chord. I watch, transfixed on her face under the stage lights not wanting her to stop. Everything else before this moment means nothing. It’s all vanished and washed away. A feeling of salvation settles deep inside me and I’m free.

As the last chord echoes around me and the last word is sung, I feel bereft because I don’t want it to end. She seemed so different while singing, but before I can figure out why the crowd goes crazy with applause. Red doesn’t smile however. She just stands with hatred in her eyes as she passes me to disappear off stage. Without thought, I just nod my head in Ryan’s direction and tell him to take over. He’s happy to do it because he loves being the center of the crowd’s attention.

As I make my way off stage, people come up to slap me on the back or just to get close. Especially the girls. I usually only have a few approach me, but tonight they’ve seen a rare side of me. Someone talkative and somewhat sociable. I just do what I always do. Ignore them until I finally make my way to the lounge door and walk in.

“Oh my God! Can’t you just leave me alone?” She stands by the window, looking outside and never once taking her eyes away from the night scenery.

“How’d you know it was me?”

“Because you’re always doing this.” She waves her hands between us, and finally looks at me. Tears stream down her face, and I automatically take a step towards her. “Following me every time I just want to be alone. You’re always around.”

She’s right. It seems whenever she’s ready to be alone I can’t let her. I don’t have an answer to her question so I’ll ask my own. “Why are you so upset? The crowd loved you.”

She doesn’t answer at first. She only turns her face away and stares out, so I get closer… and closer. Until I’m standing directly behind her. I need to pull away… to turn around and walk out. She doesn’t need to be involved in my lifestyle. But I can’t stay away from how she makes me feel alive, excited, and normal. I can’t stay away from
her
. I keep eyes on this place as she sleeps at night knowing that’s not part of my job, but I can’t help it.
Fuck! What am I doing?

“Why do you care?” she whispers in a hoarse tone from the tears she’s hiding. I can’t stop myself from wanting to make her stop crying. Hold her like I used to do Carly. When my front is just a few inches from her back, I hear her breath hitch. I like the way I affect her. “If I tell you, will you please back off?”

No. But I tell her what she wants to hear. “Yes.”

She turns and looks up at me with so much emotion portrayed along the angles of her face. Eyes that show a lifetime of sadness, a full mouth that never smiles, but if it did, mountains would move. “Because that’s the first time I’ve performed in a year. Do you know that last Halloween was the last time I felt like I did while on that stage tonight? Like everything was suddenly better? But that feeling is a lie because my brother died that same night. He was the one who was always there for me, and then within a few hours, he was just gone. Me playing only makes me realize how much I miss him and how it used to be. But when the song’s over, I’m slapped in the face with reality.” She stops and just looks at me. “Is that not enough? Do I need to tell you my whole life story now?”

Her lip trembles and I lose rational thought. My hand reaches up and cups the back of her head before I lower my mouth down to hers. I try to be tender and slow, but I’m not a gentle person, and I want this so damn much.

Before long, I realize I’m the only one participating, so I open my eyes.

She’s standing in front of me like a statue with her hands still by her side, and her eyes wide. No movement. No blinking.

Fuck
… I don’t even think she’s breathing. “Red?” I whisper and cup her cheeks but get no response. She looks stunned and scared to death. Now, what the hell do I do? “Red, talk to me.”

But she doesn’t. She just stands there watching me with no other reaction so I back away. Then she shakes herself out of her trance and runs out the door.

“Fuck… Fuck… Fuck!” Feeling angry and fucking agitated, I punch the lockers hard enough to leave a dent.

“Oh Shit!”

~Blaire

Blaire

I hear a bang right before I hear Lyric yell. Leaning against the wall, I catch my breath while my mind runs in a thousand different directions. He kissed me. My first real kiss was from that… that asshole. Guys have tried to kiss me before, but I’ve never felt like I did a minute ago. Warm, excited, and tingly. I’m too fucked up for this shit. I just need to stay away from him from now on.

Working the lunch shift sucks. Well, the money does. Sober people don’t tip as well, or it could be my ‘lovely personality,’ as Janet likes to call it. But at least I don’t have to deal with assholes trying to grab me while the sun’s up. When I decided to stay away from Lyric that night, I meant it, and I’ve succeeded so far. The only bad thing is I had to leave my lounge couch and take Chris up on his offer. I haven’t even approached the subject regarding the bike or who won two weeks ago. I’d rather keep my distance and take the bus.

Besides my fear of walking in on him masturbating, living with a guy isn’t that bad. Chris is neat as neat can be. In fact, I think he has OCD. He sleeps most of the day, and I come home after he clocks in at Jay’s, so we never see one another. Unless it’s early Saturday before he heads out to therapy, and I’m up for work. I’ve been looking in the paper for a second job so I can save some more money. I’m either leaving or getting a place of my own. But nothing has come up that I’m qualified for. Even though I received my GED a few years ago, I still don’t have the experience every place is requesting.

So as I bring another round of Gumbo and sandwiches out to a table, I concentrate on my next move, instead of reliving the feel of Lyric’s lips touching mine. Usually, if a guy touches me, I run to go vomit. It’s an automatic trigger for bad thoughts to swamp me. It even happens when people hug me, but I’ve learned to bear platonic touching. Except Lyric’s kiss was not platonic. It wasn’t threatening either. If I’m being honest with myself, I might even admit to liking the feel of it. Which is more reason why I can’t be around him. I don’t need to have someone else in my life hurt me. I wouldn’t survive.