Letting Go of You (Anchored Hearts #2) (27 page)

“James, what are you thinking?”

We’d met at the hotel restaurant and were sitting in back.  “That I need to let her go.  I just keep hurting her over and over again.”

She reached for my hand, but I pulled it away.  “I’ve known you a long time.  She’s your match, the missing piece.”  Annie sat and tried getting me to open up, but it was useless.  “When’s the last time you saw Dr.
Pratt?” 

Too long to remember.  “It’s been a while.”

“I think you should go see him.  Whatever’s eating you up isn’t worth losing her over, is it?”

“Annie, please just draw up the papers.”

She sighed, “I’ll draw them up, but they’ll have to be divorce papers.  You don’t qualify for an annulment.”  The waitress came by and took our orders.  Annie got hers to go.  “I’m sorry I can’t stay.  I have a deposition I can’t miss.  James, please think about this.  That girl would walk through fire for you and you for her.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.  It’s not healthy, for either of us.”

“There’s a difference between an obsession and an undeniable connection.  Don’t confuse the two.” 

The rest of the work day was uneventful.  Paul kept to himself and so did Smith.  The three of us were barely speaking.  We all just needed time.  At least that’s what I told myself.  Time
would heal all wounds, right?  My ass.

That evening
I walked into the house to find Dad in his office.  He looked to be going through some papers when he should have been taking it easy.

“
Dad, what are you doing?”

Turning, he replied, “Just who I needed to see.  Sit down.”

I took my seat and he took his.  “What did you do to Cassidy?”

“I’m not discussing this with you.”  I got up and left before he could say anything more.

~<>~<>~<>~

Another week
passed.  I’d been avoiding everyone.  The only person I spoke to was Melissa, and she kept to herself.  Our conversations were different.  We were friends again and she was the only one who didn’t chastise me about Cassidy. 

That Friday I got an email from Dad
demanding I go over for dinner.  I couldn’t keep avoiding him and told him I’d be there after work.  I walked in and found him in his office.

“What are you doing Dad?”

“Just finalizing some paperwork for your mother.”  I nodded and watched as he signed some documents.  Once he was finished with that he poured himself a glass of Scotch and offered me one which I turned down.  I sat down in the chair across from him as he sat down behind the desk.  “Son, you’re going to answer my questions.  What did you do to Cassidy?”

There was no point in drawing it out any longer.
“I let her go.  It’s not going to work out.”  The speed at which he moved shocked me.  The old codger still had it in him. 

He grabbed my collar and pulled me to my feet and shook me.  “I don’t know who
you
are, but I want my
son
back.  You don’t throw away love.”  My Dad hadn’t scolded me like that in years, if not over a decade.  The tears filled my eyes as he glared at me.  “YOU didn’t kill Jason, YOU did what you had to in the desert, YOU didn’t kill Holly and Sam, and YOU are a GOOD man.”  He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me and wouldn’t let go.  “Stop thinking that you control all the good and bad that happens to everyone.  All you control is the love you give them and how you receive theirs in return.  You LOVE that girl and she loves you.  You. Are. Worthy.”

I sobbed like I hadn’t so
bbed before and so did my Dad.  “Dad, what if it’s too late?”

“Is she still breathing?”  He pushed me to arm’s length and asked, “Are you still breathing?”  I nodded again.  “Then it’
s never too late.  Forty years with your mother wasn’t enough.  Life is cruel and short and terminal.  Spend what little time you have cherishing the ones you love.  You never know when they’ll be gone.  Didn’t your mother teach you that?

I slept in my old room that night.  How did I even begin to convince Cassidy to forgive me, trust me, and love me again?  Did she still love me?  I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.

~ CASSIDY ~

The week crawled by. 
Paul became a constant and I was grateful for his friendship.  He did anything he could to put a smile on my face.  Friday night the four of us ordered pizza at Cal and Jane’s place and played poker.  It was a welcome reprieve from the depressing monotony my life had so quickly become. 

I was in the kitchen grabbing more drinks for everyone when Cal came in and asked how I was.  I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled. 

“No, seriously Cass.  Are you okay?  Have you heard anything from him?”

“Cal, please.”  I was still an emotional wreck and probably would be for a while.  It was like my hormones were on overdrive.  I took a deep breath, calming myself, “I haven’t heard anything and I suspect that I won’t.  I’ll be okay.  Paul’s been a lifesaver.”

He groaned.  “I’m glad that Paul’s back, but, just be careful.  Make sure this is all over with James before you jump into something with Paul.”

“I’m a big girl Cal.  I appreciate you looking out for me.  I do.”

“Hey, where’s that beer at?”  I smiled at my brother and took Paul his beer as he dealt another hand.  Cal sat down with a beer of his own and kissed Jane before picking up his hand.

“So, the guy they arrested last week is the guy on the hospital footage.  He’s accepted a plea deal and will be going away for a long time.”

I let out a big breath saying, “Thank God.  But nothing on Dan yet?” 

He shook his head.
“The offer still stands for you to move in here until he’s found.”

“No.  I need to stay in my place.  He’s not going to control my life like that.  James still has the security detail on me.  It’s fine.”

We played cards for another hour or so before I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  Paul dropped me off and walked me to the door. 

“I’d invite you in, but I’m beat tired.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Cassidy.”

I was fiddling with my key when he said my name, “Yea,” I turned to look at him and he was standing rather close.  Oh, God.  “Paul, don’t.”

His big blue eyes scanned my face as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.  “I won’t.  Not until you ask me to.  My timing has always sucked, but I’m not going anywhere this time.” 

My throat constricted at the memories of that summer
as emotions surged through me that I didn’t want to feel.  He was my first love, my first everything, my first kiss the only exception.  It would be so easy to fall into his arms, but I was married and unwanted.  What could he possibly be thinking? 

“Paul.”

He put his finger on my lips and shushed me.  “I get it, I do.  You should get some rest.”  He kissed me on the cheek as he hugged me and walked to his SUV. 

He sat
in his vehicle and watched me enter before pulling away.  Ryan was parked behind him, at his usual post.  I couldn’t even begin to describe all the sensations coursing through me.  Crawling into bed with music playing softly, I dreamed of them both.  Dreaming about what could have been, would have been and should have been.  The possibilities were endless and pointless to think about.

C
hapter
26
~
A
pologize

~ JAMES ~

I was going to get her back, beg at her feet, and do whatever I had to do to convince her to give me one more chance.  I drove to the penthouse that morning, wondering what and how I was going to go about getting her back.  Once I showered and changed I headed downstairs as Melissa walked in.  She looked troubled, which wasn’t something I was used to seeing from her.

“Hey,
everything okay?”

She looked up, surprised to see me.  “Um,
it’s nothing.  Sorry.”

She was hiding something and I couldn’t help but think it had something to do with Dan
or me.  “Melissa, what’s going on?”  I followed her as she sat down on the couch.  Her stare was blank and I noticed she was clutching some paperwork in her hand.  “Is everything okay?”

“I, uh, here.” 
She handed me the papers and dropped her head into her hands.  She started talking before I could even begin to make out what the paperwork said.  “I never really wanted to be a mom.  I guess now the decision is made.”

“Melissa, I don’t understand.” 

“I can’t have kids.  The ra…attack did too much damage.”  I was going to be sick, it couldn’t be true.  “The doctor doesn’t believe I’ll be able to hold on to a pregnancy.  Too much damage, I’m damaged.”

I dropped my head in my hands.  I knew that
Dan and the other guys had hurt her, but I was clueless that it had been so bad. 

“This is my fault, again.”

“No.  It’s not.  I wanted to help and I walked in there on my own.”  She latched on to my hand.  “James, please.  I’m sad, but I’m alive.  I can always adopt if I ever change my mind about having kids.”

“Melissa, we can get a second opinion.”

“It’s okay.  I don’t even know what it’s like to have a mother.  How could I expect to be a good one myself?” 

She took the papers back
and sat quietly, examining them once again. 

I heard my dad’s words then again. 
You are worthy and all the good and bad that happens isn’t your fault. 
Trying to change the subject I asked, “Did you send in your resume?”

Sighing, she replied, “Yes.  Though I can’t imagine she’d ever consider me after what I’ve put her through.”

“Give her some credit.  You never know.”

She nodded, “I
t really would be nice to have something to make my own and I would love the opportunity.  We’ll wait and see.” 

She gave me a hug and then
she walked upstairs.  She was eerily calm about the whole ‘no kids’ diagnosis which worried me.  I couldn’t dwell on it, it would just eat me alive.  I wished Melissa would find someone to be her rock, her anchor because it couldn’t be me.  Anchor.  Cassidy.  She was my anchor, but it was time for me to be hers.  I had to go see her.  But I had a thought first.  A grand gesture you might say.  I walked out the door and headed down to the garage while pulling out my cell phone.

“This is Styx.”

“Styx.  James Benedict.”

“Hey man, long time no see.  What’s happening?”

“I have a favor to ask.  I’ll pay whatever you need but I need it done today.”

“I’m free in a few hours.  What did you have in mind?”

“I need an anchor.  A big one.”

“Go on.  I’m listening.”

~<>~<>~<>~

The next afternoon I
headed toward her place after stopping to pick up a bouquet of peonies.  I knew how she loved them and I wanted to be armed and ready.  When I pulled down her street, I immediately saw his SUV there. 

SHIT.

It was early, not too early, but he was there.  I gave him the opening he needed and damn if he hadn’t seized the moment.  Self-doubt rattled through me as I contemplated my next move.  I didn’t want to have this conversation with him around.  I kept driving and ended up at the cemetery.  I hadn’t been back to mom’s grave since her burial.  Pulling out one of the peonies I took it with me and laid it at the foot of her gravestone.

~ CASSIDY ~

I was sitting on the couch with my laptop in my lap and checking my work email. 
Paul had brought breakfast that morning, but had left having some errands to run.  As I scrolled through my email, there was one from Cecily and she had attached a resume to it. 

Cassidy,

Please look at this resume with

an
open mind. I think she’d be

a
lovely fit. I’ve known her for

her
whole life so I’m aware of

any
‘issues’, but I think she’d

surprise
us both. We can talk

further
at work.

~Cecily

I opened the resume and stared at the name on it in disbelief.  There was just
no
way.  I shook my head, trying to clear the fog looming over it and scrolled over her resume.  She was more than qualified though she didn’t appear to stay at any one job for more than a year.  I felt bad for assuming all that time that she was just a shell with no brain matter.  She had a master’s degree in finance and had worked with some of the biggest companies in the city. 

I couldn’t help but wonder if somehow James was behind this.  He wouldn’t recommend her if he didn’t thing she was qualified would he?  Shit, she could go work for him
if that was the case.  There was no way she was coming to work for me.  NO. WAY.  Melissa wasn’t going to get her claws into my company too.

My phone rang and it was Cal.  “Hey little sis.  How you doing?”

“I’m okay.  How are you?”

“Good.  Jane has to work tonight.  Can we do dinner, just you and me?”

“I’d like that.  What did you have in mind?”

“I can bring Chinese.”

“Perfect.”

“Listen.  We can talk about it tonight, but I just wanted to let you know that I support you no matter what happens.”

“I know that, Cal.  You’re the only rock I can depend on, besides dad.”

“Okay.  I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“See you then.”

I was listening to music and kept going back to my laptop and looking over Melissa’s resume over and over again.  She really was a great candidate and my guilt was eating away at me.  If I was ever going to move on from James, working with Melissa probably wasn’t the best way to do it.

There was a knock on the door and I knew I wasn’t expecting anyone.  I leaned over the couch and saw his truck in the driveway.  I was momentarily taken aback that he hadn’t just walked in the door or used his key.  Better to just get it over with.

I opened the door and he stood there, looking sexy as fuck.  He wasn’t going to make this easy on me. 
His face was scruffy, his hair was down and I had to put my hands in my pockets to resist the urge to touch him.  It was then that I noticed the bouquet of peonies and I looked at him with a ‘what do you want’ look on my face. 

“Can I come in?” 

NO you can’t come in.  I hate you.  I love you.  Yes, get naked, let me fuck you and then you can leave. 
Stop it! 

“
Sure.”  I moved aside as he made his way inside.  I closed the door and watched him walk toward the living room.

Turning to me, “These are for you.”  I hesitated taking them and he
instead set them on the coffee table when he realized I wasn’t going to take them.  He couldn’t win me over with flowers and his smile.

“Did you put Melissa up to applying at B & C?”

“I may have mentioned it to her.  She’d be a great fit.”

“Yea, if I wanted to work with Stalin.”

“Cassidy.”

“Don’t, I don’t want to hear it.  It’s not happening.”  I stood there with my hands crossed against my chest.  “What do you want?”

He walked to me and went to touch me before he decided against it.  “I came to see my wife.”

“You don’t get to call me that.  I got the email from Annie.  As soon as she sends the papers to me I’ll sign them.  You don’t need to worry.”

Placing his hands on my shoulders he said, “I don’t want that.  Cassidy, Blackbird, I want you.  I’m so sorry.”

The mistake I made was looking up into his eyes.  “For how long?”  I pushed away from him and tried to walk away.  I felt his hand on my wrist right before I yanked it away.  Turning to him, I cried out, “You threw me away, threw us away
.  How can I possibly trust you again?”

“I’ll never be able to apologize enough.  I’m hanging on by a thread. 
You’re
my thread, baby.  I’m nothing without you.” 

My throat was swollen as the tears started their fall from my eyes. 
In my head all I could hear was
Apologize
by OneRepublic
. 
He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me and just held me.  Eventually I placed my arms around him.  Why did it have to be so complicated?  Why couldn’t I just believe him?  He lifted my face, but my eyes were closed.  I couldn’t bear to look at him. 

His lips touched my tear soaked face as he placed little kisses over the bridge of my nose over to my other cheek. 
I felt his breath linger over my lips and I had to kiss him, just one more time.  He took his time exploring my mouth as his hands traveled my shoulders, back and hips.  He let me take over the kiss as I pulled him closer. 

“Always, only and forever you, Blackbird.”

“James.”

He picked me up and pressed me against the living room wall as I wrapped my legs around him.  My body was caving to him and I had to stop it, but my moans betrayed me.  His hand moved under my shirt as he played with the waistband on my sweats.

Prying my mouth from his, I pushed him away as my feet dropped to the floor.  “No, stop.  This can’t happen.”

He smirked that smirk at me, like he thought I was joking.  Did he really think I was
that
easy?  “Cassidy, come here.”

“No!  You don’t just get to come in here with your flowers and sweet words and fuck me eyes and think that makes everything okay.”  His smile disappeared as he stepped back from me.  “You broke me!  I’ve never been hurt so badly in my life.”

“Baby, I’ll make it up to you if you let me.  Please.  I’m ready.  I want to be
your
anchor, let me show you.” 

The braze
n ass started unbuttoning his shirt.  “You don’t get to fix this with sex!”  I shoved his chest as he backed me up against the wall again.  “James, stop it.”

“I have to show you something.  You’re my wife and I’m not leaving.”

“All you want me for is sex.  That doesn’t make me your wife.  And you
are
leaving.”

He kissed me again and I tried to fight it off.  My body was screaming yes as my head screamed no.  I had to stop this before I let the cycle start all over again. 

“Please, let me in.”  Was he serious?  We both knew that I wasn’t the one not letting him in.

“I let you in.  It’s
you
who wouldn’t let me in.” 

He was kissing my neck, sucking on my ear as his hands molded my breasts.  It would have been so easy to just let him back in, but I couldn’t risk the heartbreak again.

“I love you.  I’m broken and you’re the only one who can fix me.”

“I love you too.” 
He was broken with or without me and in the process of everything he broke me too. 

“Let’s go upstairs.”  He looked to me and I wanted to say yes, I really did, but I couldn’t.

“I let you in over and over again for you to just walk away.  It broke me. 
You
broke me.  I’m done being broken by you.”  He had
way
more explaining to do if he wanted any kind of chance with me again.  I had to get through to him.

“Cassidy.”  He placed his forehead on mine and
went to kiss me again.

“
It’s too late.  I’m letting go of you.”  Whispering against his lips I said my safe word.  “Rainbow.” 

He froze and I could feel his eyes on me.  I met
them as he stared at me and his eyes were devoid of all emotion.  Stepping back, his hands fell from me and I stepped away from the wall toward him.  He put his hands up to stop me.

“What did you do?”

“I…”  The tears began to fall again.  He stared at me for a moment before he walked out the door without a second look back.  I stood in the doorway as I watched him pull out of my driveway.  His eyes met mine briefly before his tires squealed.  I closed the door and sank to my knees, sobbing.  What had I done?