Life as I Know It (32 page)

He watched me for another moment, the hurt reflecting deep in his eyes, then he turned abruptly from me, opened the door, and strode away across the car park.

Closing my eyes, I rested my head on the steering wheel, my hands gripped together in my lap. I heard the bike engine revving and the screech of tires on the hard-packed earth, and I knew I had hurt a virtual stranger more deeply than I had thought it possible to hurt anyone. By the time I reached home I felt exhausted. Karen took one look at me as I teetered silently into the immaculate kitchen and hurriedly put the kettle on.

“You look like shit, Lauren,” she said as she rummaged in the cupboard for tea bags. “What the hell happened?”

I told her about Miss Webb and how I’d have to start looking for a new nursery school for both the boys, and then I told her about Jason.

“No wonder you look like you’ve just crawled out from a train wreck,” she said, forcing a mug of tea between my clasped hands. “I’m so sorry, Jessica. Lauren does seem to have left you with a few major problems.”

We both turned sharply at the clattering sound of a vacuum cleaner hose being dropped on the white-tiled floor behind us, and found Elsie standing in the kitchen doorway. She was frowning at us, and I could see from the jerkiness of her movements as she crossed the kitchen that she’d heard Karen refer to me as Jessica.

“Is everything all right, Elsie?” I asked sweetly. “It’s wonderful to have you back with us after the weekend. I’m sorry everywhere was such a mess, but I’m still having trouble remembering where everything goes.”

“That’s all right, Mrs. Richardson,” she muttered, watching me carefully as if she thought I might metamorphose into some sort of monster before her very eyes.

“I really must stop calling you by that silly nickname,” Karen said loudly as Elsie crossed to the cupboard and put the vacuum away. “Mother should never have given you that second name, should she? See how confusing it is?”

“I don’t mind if you call me Lauren or Jessica,” I replied equally loudly. “Sisters can get away with anything. But don’t mind if I start calling you by your middle name.”

We laughed the moment away, and when Elsie crossed back with the polish and a duster she seemed more at ease.

A
s soon as
we heard her moving about upstairs again, I hissed at Karen, “You’ve got to try to call me Lauren. I don’t want to end up locked away in a mental institution, or, worse still, in a science lab with doctors cutting bits off me.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said sheepishly. “The trouble is, you don’t seem like Lauren at all now that I know who you really are. I’ve accepted that my sister is probably dead and it’s really hard seeing you walking about looking like her, let alone having to use her name for you.”

I sipped at my tea and frowned. “I’m not happy about it, either. I don’t want to look like her, Karen. I was thinking of having my hair dyed back to Lauren’s natural color. If her roots are anything to go by, her hair is the same color as yours and Nicole’s, isn’t it?”

Karen nodded. “I suppose so. I haven’t seen her natural coloring since we were both kids.”

“Would it help you if I didn’t look so much like her?”

Karen smiled. “It would be interesting. But it will make it harder still to remember to call you by her name.”

I spent the rest of the day calling local schools for appointments to discuss Toby and Teddy’s special needs, practicing Lauren’s signature, checking her diary for forthcoming events, and making a hair appointment for the following day. I also did another two loads of laundry and put away piles of clothing in the children’s rooms, for what I hoped were the right owners.

By the time I went out for the school pickup I was trembling with exhaustion. I’d had no idea that having a family entailed so much work. It worried me that Karen was carrying a large part of the workload and that she’d be gone next week, and I thanked my lucky stars that Grant employed Elsie. But next week was still going to be a struggle, especially getting up in time for school.

As I pulled the car out of the garage and across the drive, I glanced along the street and my heart sank further. The motorbike was back, parked by the junction of the next turning: the black-helmeted head staring toward me. Jason was obviously not going to be put off by a few home truths.

“Go away!” I muttered, thumping the steering wheel with the palm of my hands. “Leave me alone, you stupid man.”

I accelerated away, but a glance in my rearview mirror told me that he was following me at a distance. He stayed with me all the way to the nursery school, where he parked a little way along the road, and he was still sitting there when I came out holding the boys by their hands and strapped them into their car seats.

Driving on to the girls’ school, I realized I was spending more time looking in the mirror than at the road in front of me, and I forced myself to ignore him. I parked in the playground again,
as the girls had instructed me, but to my dismay the motorbike followed me right into the school grounds. Climbing out of the car to wait with the other mothers, I kept glancing across until one of them asked if I knew him.

I shook my head. “He’s nothing to do with me.”

As soon as Sophie and Nicole arrived, I hurried them to the car, glancing over my shoulder to see if he was still watching.

“Did you have a good day?” I asked the girls with false enthusiasm as they fastened their safety belts.

“I told my class about Ginny,” Nicole said happily. “The teacher said I could bring her in to show everyone. Can I, Mummy?”

I clambered into the driver’s seat and put my own belt on. “I don’t see why not.”

“Mummy,” Sophie said suddenly, her voice anxious, “isn’t that the man you were talking to in the park?”

I looked over to where Jason was sitting astride his bike, his helmet in his hands. He was staring openly at me now, his expression grim.

I felt a tremor of fear run through me as I realized that Lauren’s lovesick beau was not going to take no for an answer. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate, it seemed that I now had a stalker.

By the time
we arrived home, my hands were shaking so much that I couldn’t get Teddy’s safety belt undone. Jason had not only taken off his helmet so the children could identify him, but he’d also followed us home again and had taken up his previous position a short way up the road. I hoped he wouldn’t be stupid enough to still be there when Grant came home from work.

Karen peered out of the window when I told her about him, but she said she couldn’t see him from there. I busied myself making the children drinks and biscuits to keep them going until the meal was ready, then spent the next hour in the kitchen while Karen supervised the girls’ homework.

“How will I do this next week?” I asked her as I turned down the heat under the pans of potatoes and vegetables and turned the chops under the grill. I paused to wipe a wisp of blond hair out of my eyes. “I can’t be cooking the dinner and helping with homework at the same time. How did Lauren do it?”

“Sshh,” she said, holding a finger up to her lips. “You’re
talking about yourself in the third person again. How do you expect me to remember when you keep doing it?”

Shrugging despondently, I tested the potatoes with a fork. “I think they’re ready.”

“Shall I mash them?”

“Yes please. What homework did the girls have today? Was there much?”

“Sophie has spellings to learn, and a history sheet. Nicole only had some sums, and we’ve got to listen to both of them read out loud after tea.”

Between us we managed to have the meal dished up and on the table in the dining room just as I heard Grant coming in from where he’d parked his car in the garage.

“Go and wash your hands!” I called to the children. “Tea’s ready.”

Grant came over and gave me a peck on the cheek. His face was slightly flushed, as if he’d had the heat turned up in his car—or was he angry because he’d spotted Jason parked in the road? I held my breath, expecting some sort of outburst, but none came.

“What’s for dinner?”

“Pork chops.”

“We had pork yesterday, Lauren,” he groaned. “Your memory might be addled, but surely you have some common sense left?”

It was tempting to tell him that I’d actually had roast beef the previous day, with Dan and Patrick, but I resisted the impulse and avoided his gaze. Karen had indeed made a lovely roast pork lunch for us all in this family’s yesterday, but that seemed so long ago to me, and so much had happened since then.

My pulse quickened at the thought of Dan and how happy we had been the day before. I missed him while I was here, and I felt
suddenly drained of emotion and heartily fed up with the whole situation.

“Mummy?”

I looked down to see Teddy staring up at me, his eyes troubled.

“What, Teddy?”

“Don’t be sad, Mummy.”

His troubled expression was an echo of my own, and I made an effort to smile down at him. “I won’t be sad. Not when I’m here with you. Come along, let’s go and eat.”

“You eating with us?” Karen asked Grant somewhat sharply as we all sat down at the table.

He looked at her, a surprised expression on his face. “Of course.”

“Oh, it’s just that I thought I heard you complain that you didn’t want pork two days running.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Karen,” he said, picking up his knife and fork. “You know perfectly well that I didn’t mean I wasn’t having any.”

“Lauren’s been working really hard in the kitchen,” Karen continued. “There’s not much left in the freezer. She could have made sandwiches, I suppose. It would have been less trouble.”

Grant laid his knife and fork back down and stared bewilderedly at Karen. Then he seemed to understand what she was inferring and forced a smile. “This is very nice, Lauren. Thank you.”

Karen picked up her own cutlery with a satisfied grin and gave me a wink across the table. I smiled back, realizing as I listened to the children’s chatter and watched the family interact, that I wasn’t sad anymore. Karen might be confrontational;
Grant might be used to having his own way; this whole family might be very hard work, but I was beginning to think it might be worth every second of it to be here. To be Lauren.

Monday morning was cold and dark. I walked Frankie briskly around the block, then gave her breakfast, which she wolfed down while I had a quick shower and donned one of my skirts and blouses and a warm coat for work. Arriving at the office at ten o’clock on the dot, I was feeling rather pleased with myself for my punctuality when Stephen walked in with a scowl on his face that would have soured milk.

“Good morning, Stephen,” I said chirpily. “Would you like some coffee before you start?”

He turned and glowered at me. “You,” he said, handing me his heavy overcoat, “can call me Mr. Armitage.”

I gawked at him, not knowing what to say. Clara cleared her throat behind me and I turned to hang his coat on the stand to hide my confusion.

“I’ll have that coffee, then you can come in to take notes. And hurry up, I haven’t got all day.”

Clara raised her eyebrows as I poured a cup of coffee from the percolator and followed him into his office, closing the door behind me. Stephen was pacing up and down behind his desk.

“What’s the matter?” I asked him. “Has something happened?”

“The matter is that we have a huge workload to get through, Jessica. I’d appreciate it if you would stop talking and start working.”

“Is it your mother?” I asked, remembering that his mother had suffered from angina when he and I had been together. “Is she all right?”

He turned on me, his eyes flashing angrily. “How my mother might be feeling is no concern of yours. You wanted to keep our relationship on a strictly work level, so I’d rather you didn’t ask personal questions. Now, please take notes.”

I felt the color rush to my face, but I sat down obediently in the chair and opened my notebook.

“I’m ready when you are, Mr. Armitage,” I said coldly.

Stephen kept me so busy all morning taking notes, then typing forty pages of a lease, that I didn’t even have time for a quick coffee or to speak to Clara. By lunchtime I was gasping for a drink, and when I glanced at my watch I found it was after two o’clock.

“I have to go home and take Frankie out for a walk,” I said at last.

“I need you to work through lunch today,” Stephen said calmly.

“I’m entitled to a lunch break,” I insisted.

“I’ve checked your contract,” he said smoothly. “It says that your breaks are at your boss’s discretion.”

Biting my lip, I picked up my pen again, but then thought better of toeing the line for this man who had once meant something to me, and who had never taken my feelings into consideration even when we had been a couple. I pictured Frankie desperately watching the door, waiting for me to come home and let her out, and I pushed back my chair noisily.

“I’m going for my lunch now, Mr. Armitage. I’ll be back in half an hour.”

“I’ve told you, I need you to work.”

“Rubbish! You are being petty-minded and childish. If it was just me, I’d put up with it, but I won’t have Frankie peeing on the carpet because you’ve decided to make me suffer.”

“If you walk out of that door, you needn’t come back, Miss Taylor.”

“I’ll be back here in thirty minutes,” I said, walking toward the door. “Otherwise I’ll sue you for unfair dismissal.”

My blood boiling, I grabbed my coat and stalked out of the office. Clara’s chair was empty, and I presumed she’d already gone for her lunch. Hurrying home with quick, angry strides, I let myself into the flat and crouched to cuddle Frankie, who was, as always, delighted to see me. While she ran madly around the lawn outside, I put the kettle on for a cup of tea and rummaged in the fridge for something to eat. Stephen hadn’t even allowed me out of his office when the sandwich girl had arrived, so I’d been unable to buy anything for my lunch.

As soon as I’d eaten and drunk my tea, I took Frankie for a walk, then headed back to the office, hoping that Stephen had had a chance to cool off.