Life of the Party (13 page)

“Well, for your
information, Grey was a perfect gentleman.” I retorted. At least, I
thought he was. I couldn’t remember everything, but the fact that I
was fully dressed upon waking was definitely a good sign.

“Yeah.
Typically, prefect gentlemen convince minors to do cocaine with
them. I forgot.”

“What is your
problem Riley? About a month ago, you were giving me ecstasy.
You’re no different than Grey. You
were
no different from
Grey, anyway. Give him some slack.”

“There’s a
major difference, here. You weren’t madly in love with me then,
like you are with Grey now. You wouldn’t do everything I ever
suggested just to try and get with me.”

“What?” This
arguing was making my head pound frantically. I shut my eyes and
leaned back against the seat in frustration. “When did I become
this gigantic slut in your mind?”

He shook his
head, his jaw clenching … but then he sighed. “You didn’t. You
aren’t. I know you’re not … a slut … I’m sorry. It’s just … you
should see yourself around this guy, it’s like you’re a totally
different person … totally infatuated. Of all the people in the
world, he shouldn’t have that kind of power over you. I just … I
don’t trust him.”

“You don’t
trust him?” I opened one eye. “Why’s that?”

“Because. He’s
going to hurt you, Mackenzie. I know his type; I know what he’s
like. He’ll hurt you, in the end.”

“Fff—” I shook
my head incredulously and stared out the window at the passing
houses for a moment. When I spoke at last, my voice was sad,
regretful, and acidic all at the same time.

“Grey can’t
hurt me anymore than you have. So don’t act all gallant, okay?”

“Then I have?”
Riley exclaimed. He turned the car into the parking lot, the gravel
crunching under his tires. The lot was bare of people. We were
late. He stopped the car abruptly and threw it into park. The
silence after he cut the engine was deafening. I could feel him
staring at me, but I refused to look away from the window. He
sighed.

“How have I
hurt you?”

I crossed my
arms and shook my head. He wasn’t getting any hints from me.

“I know, I
know.” He groaned, and leaned his head against the steering wheel.
“No one said this would be easy. It’s not at all. There always
seems to be something more to give up, something I hadn’t thought
of. But it’s worth it. So worth it. I wish you could see ….”

“What the fuck
are you talking about?” I pressed my hands to my temples. My head
was going to explode.

“Mackenzie …
Zee … I’m sorry. I thought this would be hardest for me, to adjust
to a new life, to make new friends, a new way of living. But it’s
not, is it?” He reached out then, hesitantly, and gently cupped my
chin in his hand. Reluctantly, I turned my head for him.

“This is hard
for you, because you have to make a new life too, don’t you? One
without me in it.”

I could feel
tears growing again, and the ache in my throat made me angry. I
nodded curtly at his statement.

“I wish there
were another way, Mackenzie. I hope one day you’ll understand what
I’m doing and why I have to do it. Maybe, one day, you’ll even be
proud of me.”

I shrugged
indifferently. I couldn’t do this with him anymore, that much was
certain. He had chosen his way, obviously, and the way he chose did
not include me. It would be easier for me to accept that, to quit
hanging around, wishing and hoping and waiting for him to be
friends again. Suddenly I realized it wasn’t about him letting go
of me. I had to do the letting go. I had to let him go do whatever
it was that he needed. I would miss him, dreadfully, but it was
something I had to do. Something I could do.

“I don’t think
we should be friends anymore.” The stream of words poured from my
lips, quietly and quickly so I couldn’t stop them. Once they were
out, I turned back to the window so I couldn’t see his reaction. I
didn’t want to know. I would imagine that my words hurt him and
he’d be sad to see me go. My hand gripped the door handle.

“If you think
that’s what’s best.” He acknowledged. His voice was soft … sorry,
maybe? Regretful? Hadn’t he known all along that this was
inevitable? I shook my head and opened the door. Riley was getting
off easy here, and he knew it.

“Mackenzie?” He
called to me suddenly, just as I was about to leave. I paused,
taking the sudden opportunity to look him full on and memorize the
sweet face of my best friend. His dark hair was unkempt, as usual;
his brown eyes were wide and soft, his face endearing. I managed a
smile for him, because I did love him, in my way, and he would
always be a part of my heart. And I wouldn’t let myself cry, even
though the tears were choking.

“I have to save
myself, you know?” He sounded hopeless. “But it’s for you. It’s all
for you.”

I blinked a few
times, hearing his words, and my smile began to shake.

“Goodbye,
Riley.” I turned away then, before he could see me cry.

“Wasn’t it
worth it?” Grey had asked me earlier that morning. By seven o’clock
that evening, I changed my answer. No, it wasn’t worth it. I felt
carsick sitting totally still. Charlie set another glass of water
on the table and brushed my hair back from my face.

“You know what
would help?” Her voice was low, meant only for my ears. I didn’t
know, but whatever it was, I wanted it. I looked up into her lovely
blue eyes.

“What?” The
restaurant was totally dead—our supper rush had come and gone
without us batting an eye, but that had been helpful, given my
condition. Sophie had just gone home and Charlie and I were taking
advantage of the situation, rolling cutlery at one of the tables,
A.K.A sitting down before Mackenzie lost her lack of lunch.

“Here.” She
rose, revealing her perfect figure painted into a long sleeved,
v-cut black dress, and grabbed her purse from the hooks in the
corner of the station. After rummaging for a moment, she handed me
a little pink and brown tin. “Go to the bathroom.”

“Uh … okay.” I
took the tin from her, puzzled. She giggled.

“You’ll know
once you’re there.”

“Okay. Thanks.”
I headed slowly down the brown brick hallway, shivering at the
change in temperature. The girls bathroom was totally empty, eerily
quiet but for a dripping faucet along the sinks.

I opened the
tin and immediately understood. There were a few things in it,
rolling papers, a lighter, some roaches, a vial of cocaine …. At
first I wondered how something that caused me to feel this rotten
could possibly help, but then I was too excited to care. I took it
all into a bathroom stall, unscrewed the vial very carefully, and
placed a tiny amount of powder on the end of the scoop. Pinching
closed my other nostril I took the cocaine quickly, almost
expertly. After that, I did one more on the other side, just to
make it even.

The feeling
took me quickly, like it had last night. I sat in near instant
relief, a smile flitting to my face as the good feelings spread. It
worked. Headache, nausea … all of it was gone. I felt like a new
woman, energized, recharged. Full of life and joy again.

A totally
different person joined Charlie at the table where we’d been
sitting. She noticed immediately, and laughed out loud.

“Told you.”

“Wow, what a
difference.” I laughed with her. “How do you keep from doing it,
all day, every day? It’s so good!” I lowered my voice for that last
part.

“I don’t know …
self-control I guess. The more you do it, the less you feel it.
Remember that.”

“Do you do it
very often?” I handed her back the tin, which she quickly replaced
in her purse.

“I try to keep
it for special occasions,” she admitted. “But sometimes it’s
helpful in a pinch. Like tonight.”

“Wow, Charlie.
I think I’m in love with you.” I smiled.

“Me too, Mac.”
Charlie laughed, her blond curls shaking. “Now, tell me about your
night ….”

After the
deadest shift in history, and a few more trips to the bathroom for
each of us, Charlie shut the open sign off with great excitement.
We lit a smoke, nearly synchronized, and laughed. The kitchen staff
were out front already and we talked and joked with them, though I
knew none of them well. They were all very friendly, and I thought
myself to be very funny high. I’d never been overly outgoing,
though not shy either—personable maybe, the most comfortable in my
own clique. Cocaine gave me such courage, such confidence that I
could approach complete strangers and strike up a conversation,
have them laughing before the end. I loved it.

“Oh, hey, I
think that’s them.” Charlie declared as she watched a pair of red
taillights pull into the parking lot outside.

“Them?” I
peered out into the dark.

“Well, him,
anyway. I asked Zack to pick me up after work.”

“Oh.”

Charlie smiled.
“Come on. Maybe there’s someone here for you, too.”

The thought was
appealing. I nodded excitedly and grabbed my purse and coat,
handing Charlie hers. We waved goodbye to the group around the
tables and headed out into the warm summer night.

The faded
silver car was pulled up at an angle outside the brick face of the
restaurant. Music greeted us dimly from its opened windows—heavy
guitars, thrashing, screaming vocals. Zack noticed us and jumped
out of the driver’s seat. I hung back so he and Charlie could greet
properly. As I was staring off at nothing, giving the couple some
privacy, the rear door of Zack’s car opened and Grey stepped out. I
couldn’t stop the wide smile that leapt across my face at the very
sight of him.

Dressed again
in dark jeans, Grey was wearing a black short sleeved shirt overtop
a white long sleeved. I loved the way he dressed; I loved his
constant stubble and his dark tousled hair. His blue eyes met mine
as I approached. I had wanted to kiss him, to run into his arms—but
even with my coke-confidence, the look on Grey’s face was enough to
discourage me from doing so. I was a little taken aback at the
hard, cold expression that he greeted me with. Awkwardly, I stood
there, the smile falling slightly from my face.

“Can I talk to
you a minute?” Grey wondered, his voice cool and indifferent. He
shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Uh … yeah.
Sure.”

“Here.” He
motioned with his head for us to move. I watched him, dumbfounded;
following as he formally grasped my arm and led me away to the edge
of the parking lot.

“What’s up?” I
tried to keep my voice light, casual, but the expression on his
face had me deeply worried. A deep spasm of dread crept into my
belly—with it the feeling that I wasn’t going to like whatever he
had to tell me.

“Listen,
Mackenzie.” He started. I liked the way he always said my full name
when so many people felt the need to shorten it. I shook my head at
the random thought and tried to focus.

“Yes?”

“I just … I
don’t know. When I woke up this morning, I got to thinking about
it, about our night last night, and I don’t know … I kind of feel …
bad.”

“Bad? What
for?” That was the last thing I felt when I thought of last night,
the last thing I wanted him to feel.

“Well … I just,
I hope I didn’t give you the wrong idea.” Grey stood, casual and
cool, his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the dirty pavement
below our feet. I stared at him in wonder.

“Wrong idea
about what?” I crossed my arms, as if to shield myself from the
blow of his words. I knew what was coming next.

“About us.” He
looked up from the pavement then, and met my eyes. His were totally
blank … deep blue and gorgeous, but void of any emotion. I wondered
if my eyes looked the same way, or if they were betraying me,
showing the sudden hurt and deferred hope this conversation was
causing. I took a breath and nodded for him to continue.

“I mean, we had
some fun together, right?” Grey grinned at me.

“Yeah, oh
yeah.” I tried to force the same enthusiasm into my voice.

“Okay. Well, I
just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Don’t get me
wrong, last night was great—but ….”

“No, yeah,
totally.” I nodded consentingly, even adding a good forced smile.
“It was just fun, for sure. I get that. No big deal.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Of
course, yeah.” I smiled at him again, but my façade was dissolving
rapidly. I had to get away from him before it all fell apart.
“Just, uh … thanks for inviting me.”

“Sure, no
problem.” Just then, an old, off key horn honked, startling me.
Grey laughed.

“Zack is
impatient.” He explained, and motioned for us to return to the car.
I followed along beside him, hugging myself despite the warm
temperature of the air. Zack and Charlie were both inside the car
already, waiting for us to get in.

“You coming? We
could drop you off.” He eyed me, with what I couldn’t tell …
dismay, indifference? It didn’t matter. Clearly I wasn’t invited to
join them tonight.

“Um … no, I
think I’ll walk home, actually.” I decided; spur of the moment.
There was no way I could get into that car—so near to Grey—and
pretend like nothing was the matter. I wanted to be by myself.

“You sure? Free
lift?” He suggested. I met his eyes a moment, shook my head, and
turned away. As he opened the car door to get in, I could hear
Charlie’s voice asking about me. I didn’t hear Grey’s reply as the
door shut, and after a moment the silver car sped past me, burning
down the street. The music floated in the air long after the car
had faded from view.

It was windy,
but the wind was warm. I let out a shaky breath and began to walk.
I felt stupid, and exhausted … and just … used. Maybe it had been
“young” of me to assume that Grey and I were now an item just
because we’d made out for a while. Maybe people their age did that
thing on a regular basis. But I didn’t. I didn’t go around throwing
myself at every boy and making out with someone new every weekend.
The short list of boys I had kissed all meant something to me; they
had been and still were special. Especially Grey.