Look After Me (37 page)

“I know.”

We approach a red Volkswagen Beetle parked at a meter and I can’t help the small smile that lifts at the corner of my mouth. “You always wanted a Beetle.”

She rounds to the driver’s side, smiling. “Yeah, but you always said—”

“Beetles are too girly to be a car,” we say in unison and she chuckles.

My smile falters back to its customary frown when pain begins to squeeze the life out of my heart, suffocating me. I hate reminiscing on good times because it makes the betrayal hurt even more. Without another word, I get in the car, looking anywhere but her as she puts the car in drive. After about half a mile, when she comes to a stop at a set of lights, she suddenly remembers the drawing.

“Oh, I nearly forgot.” She rummages in the back of her car for a moment before facing forward again, handing me the drawing. Switching on the interior light for a brief moment, I look down at the multi-colored scribbles and see a masterpiece. Lily was born thirteen weeks prematurely and fifteen months later she can hold a crayon in her hand and scribble. I mean, if that’s not a miracle then I don’t know what is. After the day from hell that I’ve had, this drawing makes my day a little more bearable.

“Thanks,” I finally say. “Tell Lily I love it.”

The rest of the drive is met with silence. Being in such close proximity to Ava is beginning to make me sweat. It would be so easy to reach over and touch her, feel the softness of her skin between my fingers, but she’s no longer mine to touch. How do I still crave her touch after all this time? It’s pathetic. I should be over her by now. She shouldn’t be able to affect me with the essence that is just her, yet here I am, one hundred percent affected by the woman who continues to make my life a living hell.

Frustrated with myself, I go to look away from her when suddenly something on her left hand catches my attention. My eyes follow the hand that is holding the steering wheel steadily, and standing proudly on her ring finger is a diamond ring. How had I not seen that until now? The pain I’ve felt during the past ten months is nothing compared to the pain that’s tearing through my heart right now. The pain I’ve suffered was only the motherfucking icing.

“You’re getting married?” I choke out, my chest tightening at the very words. My world begins to spin as my life comes tumbling down on top of me for the millionth time. The car swerves slightly as she startles at my words, her head whipping in my direction. Her gaze lowers, and she opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Anger courses through me and I violently slam my fist against the dashboard, startling her. Weak tears blur my vision and I suddenly want this pain to disappear.

Ava pulls to the side of the road and once the car is in park she turns to me. “Sebastian, I’m . . .”

“Sorry? Is that what you were going to say? You’re not fucking sorry because you’re the one getting your happily ever after while I’m here trying to pick up the pieces of the life that
you
destroyed. If it weren’t for him, we’d still be together. We’d still be a family. But no, he came swooping in and took something that wasn’t his—something that was
mine.
This year should have been the best year of my life, but instead, it’s been the year from hell.”

I furiously unbuckle myself from the seat, desperate to get out of this stupid contraption of a car. “I need to get out of here.” I take my drawing and my police issued bag, and get the hell away from Ava and her poison. Ironically the moment I step foot out of the car, the heavens decide to open and rain begins to fall—matching my mood perfectly.

I need
to forget.

I need
to forget I exist.

I need
cocaine.

I need
to escape the hell that is my life.

I fucking need it.

I stagger away in desperate need of relief, but the sound of Ava’s panicked voice echoes through the street has me haltering my steps until I’m at a standstill.

“Sebastian!” I turn to her, my entire body heaving with heavy breaths. “Get back in the car. Please. You look like you’re about to do something stupid. Just please, let me drive you home, and then we can call Addison.”

Am I that fucking obvious?

I’m so damaged that even the people around me know when I’m about to screw up with the one drug that keeps bringing me down at every opportunity. Dropping my things to the ground, I look up to the falling rain, squeezing the tendons of my neck between my fingers, trying to work through the tension that continues to rise through my body.

As the rain continues to pour, I look back at Ava and in this one moment I realize my life isn’t complete unless she’s in it. I need Ava like the air I breathe and maybe that’s why I can’t get over her. Maybe the reason why it seems physically impossible to get over her is because she’s the only woman I’m destined to be with.

I can’t live without her.

I can’t.

Completely and utterly under her spell, I lose the last ounce of self-respect and dignity that I have left and charge over to her, gripping her arms roughly and forcing her to look up at me.

“Don’t marry him,” I tremble.

“W-what?” Ava asks, shocked.

“Don’t marry him. Marry me.” My entire body is trembling as my eyes focus solely on hers. “I forgive you, I do. I need you in my life. I’ve never stopped loving you. You’re my life.” I drop down to my knees, and I begin to grovel, clasping her hands in mine. “Please. I need you. I need my family back. I’m at your mercy, Ava. I will do anything you want me to do—just don’t marry him. Please. Marry me. I still have the ring. I never got rid of it. We can forget the last ten months have even happened. We can start from where we left off.
Marry me.
” The last words barely come out as a whisper.

She squeezes her eyes shut, tears weeping down her face. After what feels like a century of staring hopelessly up at her, she finally opens her eyes. She caresses her hand down my face, and for a moment I think she’s going to relent and finally pick me. But it seems the tender touch is to ease the blow of the words that are to follow.

“Sebastian, I love you, I do. But I love Ashton more. Marrying you wouldn’t be right, especially since my heart belongs to him. You deserve better than that. You deserve somebody who loves you in the way that I can’t. I-I’m sorry.”

The horizontal crack that was barely holding my heart by a thread is pried open, and through the slits of the broken shards, I begin to bleed out until there is nothing left. Until I’m just a hollow vase.

Empty.

Broken.

Lifeless.

This morning my life made sense. I felt like my life was finally back on track, but now it feels like I’m back to square one all over again. I’ve definitely become life’s bitch, and I don’t know how much more I can cope with.

Defeated, I weakly stand. Desperately wanting to feel Ava’s lips against mine one last time, I gently press my lips to hers, choking on a sob as I do. After a second passes, I die a little inside when I painstakingly pull away.

“Well then.” I pick up the drawing and the police issued bag that still holds my phone and wallet inside, and take a step back, my eyes never straying from hers. “It seems Ashton has won. Have a
wonderful
life together.” I could try to hide the bitterness in my voice, but it’s pointless. She’s taken everything from me. Why should I care about her life?

But that’s the thing.

I do care.

I care too fucking much.

I’m outside my apartment door, and I have no recollection of how I got here. I let myself in, but I don’t bother switching on the light. Instead, I slide down the door, still clasping Lily’s drawing in my fingers. I look down at it, hoping the scribbles will be enough to bring me out of this living nightmare. But all hope is diminished when I’m met with a soggy sheet of paper that is tearing apart in my hands. Angry, I let out a rip-roaring scream, and throw the useless piece of paper—that is no fucking use to me anymore—and watch as it falls lifelessly to the floor.

Dead.

Broken.

Useless.

GRADUALLY WAKING UP, THE first thing I do is reach for my phone on the bedside table, hoping to find a missed call or text from Sebastian. My stomach drops when there isn’t a single notification. Disappointment floods through me as I flop back onto my pillow, sighing heavily. Today is the third day that I haven’t heard from Sebastian. I’ve called him on his cell, and even went to his apartment last night but nothing. I don’t know where he is, and I’m starting to get worried about him.
Really
worried.

I didn’t think anything of it until Friday when he didn’t turn up to the NA meeting. He hasn’t missed a single session since he first started in September, so this isn’t like him. I’ve been trying to wrack my brain and figure out what could have happened, but so far, I’ve come up with nothing.

He left my apartment on Thursday morning happier than I’ve ever seen him. I made him breakfast—yes,
breakfast,
and he actually ate it. He thanked me by doing some naughty things to me on the kitchen table, and the way he kissed me before heading home to spend the day with Lily . . . It was as if he was giving his entire self to me, completely. It was the kind of kiss that lingered on my lips after he left. It was the kind of kiss that told me he loved me without physically saying the words out loud.

Things between us were perfect. He even told me that he’d call me later on that night once Lily was asleep. But he never did and he hasn’t since. I thought maybe he needed some time to himself, since Wednesday night had been pretty intense, but not receiving so much as a text from him in three days isn’t like him.

Something doesn’t feel right.

Something is wrong.

I can feel it deep within my bones.

Tired of sitting around and waiting, I decide to take matters into my own hands and call his boss at the gym. When he tells me that Sebastian was a no show for his shift yesterday and that he hasn’t seen him since Wednesday, not even for his daily workout, I know for certain something is wrong. He wouldn’t deliberately miss NA and work. He wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Then panic chills me.

He’s a recovering drug addict. He could be high, or worse, overdosed. Praying it’s not the latter, I rush out of my apartment and head over to his. Since I don’t drive, I run the two miles to his place, not caring that I’ve got a pair of six-inch heels on (they were the first pair of shoes I could find as I rushed out of the door) or that I’m still in my Hello Kitty pajamas.

When I finally reach his apartment block, I almost keel over, completely out of breath. I take a small breather as I try the buzzer to his apartment. My stomach twists in knots when he doesn’t answer. Locked out, with no way of getting inside, all I can do is sit and wait until somebody can let me in. Thankfully I don’t have to wait long. A morning jogger approaches and lets himself in, so I jump up and follow him in, ignoring the questioning stare he gives me as I rush past him.

I run frantically up the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator. The twist in my stomach tightens when I notice his door is ajar as I finally approach it. Thoughtlessly, I push the door open and walk inside. My entire body stills and I feel sick to my stomach when I’m greeted with the sight of blonde hair bobbing up and down on Sebastian’s dick. My first instinct is to walk out of here, my heart unable to take the pain that ricochets inside my chest at witnessing the girl doing
that
to him. But suddenly, I’m cemented to the floor when I see a bottle of Jack Daniels on the coffee table.