Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over (12 page)

Mom asked, “So you tried to change your mind?”

“Yes.  I went to the administration office and talked to someone but they essentially told me I had to go. Because I signed a document before they purchased the airfare it’s final.  I’m going.”  Everything that I hoped for lost to this commitment I lost it entirely as the tears streamed out now.  Mom and dad eased up on the lecture.  In fact they tried to console me but there isn’t time for this.  I hugged and kissed them both. 

Mom cried, “You agreed to marry Paul?”

I nodded while trying to stop crying.  Wiping my face swiftly but the tears came faster and harder.  I pushed pass them with my bag in hand barking my orders, “I won’t be able to call or get in touch with you for the first month.  After that I’m not sure how it will work, but I will try as soon as I can.  I hugged each of them again and kissed them saying my goodbyes, but looking out the front window I didn’t see Greg yet.

The phone rang and dad went to answer it.  “Yeah, kid she is here… No, we can’t stop her… She tried and it’s not possible… Of course I believe her… yes, of course.”  He held the phone out for me.  I shook my head as the tears were flowing harder, “Please, dad I can’t.”

He held the phone out for me, “You said you would marry him.  He deserves an explanation.”

Refusing didn’t work.  Dad raised his eyebrows, “I know what happened between you two.”

I grabbed the phone sobbing, “What?”

“Jess, why are you leaving?”

“I don’t have… a choice… the day at the admin’s… office I asked… you were waiting… I gave into you… I love you…”

“But why did you agree to go?”

“Because you didn’t show up at the cabin.”

With anger in his voice, “Is this a payback?”

I screamed at him, “No. I love you!  There is no choice I’m going.  I agreed a long time ago, because my heart hurt.”

“Jess, just don’t go.  We can figure this out.”

“Paul, we have to let go now.” 

I handed the phone back to dad and hastily kissed his cheek again.  Moving to mom I hugged and kissed her cheek, “I will get a hold of you as soon as I can.”

Dad put the phone to his face again to talk to Paul.  Regret and pain filled every part of my body so hearing his voice dug the pain deeper.  Letting my dad know I whispered, “I do love him.”

I ran out the door to Greg’s truck.  I through my bags in the truck and got in the front seat.  He looked at me and put out his hand for me.  I took his hand in mine clasping it tightly and cried my eyes out all the way to the airport.  He didn’t say a word because he understood how much I loved Paul.

Paul:

“Theo, don’t let her go.  Please don’t let her leave.  I am almost there.  I need to understand.”

“Paul, she said she tried and they wouldn’t let her back out.  She is going out the door.”

“No, please don’t let…”

Grasping for anything I begged, “I’m afraid she won’t come back.”

“Paul, calm down.  Just get here.”

I hung up the phone pleading with Matt to go faster.  Unlike Matt he drove like a mad man, but she’s slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing to stop it from happening.

Jumping out of the car as he pulled into the driveway I ran in the house grabbing Theo’s shirt begging, “Where did she go?”

“South America.”

“No, what airport?  I need to stop her.”

He grabbed my arms, “You can’t stop her.  She has to go.”

“NO!  She is mine now.  I’m going to stop her from leaving.  She is going to marry me.  Theo she said yes!”

Tears blurred my eyesight but I made a mad dash to her room.  Digging through her drawers pulling things out letting them clutter the floor, but nothing.  Her desk as neat as always only disrupted with my panic shuffling of the papers searching for a clue.  The contents of her bag from school dumped on her bed I grabbed and tossed items looking for information.  Nothing to be found I made my way outside to her car.  Under her seat, in her glove box, and her trunk but not a thing with what airport she’s scheduled to depart.  She must have left something that would tell me what her flight number is.  There’s nothing.  I ran back in the house but stopped as they waited for my return.  The sympathetic eyes on all three of their faces are hard to face so I made my way to her room again.  Believing that my efforts are a lost cause I stared at her room in bewilderment.  How did I let this happen, let her lose her control to where she assumed this is her only route?  She should have told me what was going on, there had to be a loop hole in the document that she signed.  My hand found her sweat shirt so I pulled it to my face falling to my knees.  Falling to the floor I leaned against her bed putting the sweet shirt over my face.  As if smelling her would bring her back to me.  The memory of making love to her repeated in my mind.  How our love had been so perfect.

“Paul, son, what are you doing?”

I lowered her sweatshirt enough to look at him, “She destroyed everything, all my pictures of us together.  She left the ring that was on her finger last night, and the phone.  I can’t even call her.”

“You gave her a ring?”

“Yes!  Damn it.  She said yes.  She agreed to marry me.”  I shook my head and put the sweatshirt over my face again.

He came and sat down on the bed putting his hand on my shoulder.

“I waited for her and she waited to be with me.  She is the only girl I have ever…  We were going to get married.”

He put his hand on my shoulder and walked out leaving me here to sulk in my misery.  I got a rush of excitement and ran out, “Matt, take me to the airport.  I have to find her.”

The phone rang and we all turned to it at the same time knowing it would be her.  Theo walked over and picked it up saying hello.  He looked right at me and held the phone out to me.

Cradling the phone into my neck like it was her I pleaded, “Jess, oh my god.  Please tell me where you are, I will come get you?”

“No, Paul, not this time.”

“Jess, tell me what I am supposed to do?”

“You need to let me go.”

“No!  I love you.”

“Paul, I’ve always loved you and I always will.  Bye Paul.”

“No, please don’t hang up, Jess.  Just tell me where you are.  Why are you doing this?”

“So it will be easier.”

“What will be easier?  Revenge Jess for all the times I stood you up.  I told you that I waited for you too.  What we shared.”  What I wanted to talk about couldn’t be said aloud with her dad right behind me.

“No.  So it will be easier to get through this, because no matter how bad I want to stay with you I can’t.  I did try Paul, I truly did.  You need to let me go now even though I don’t want to go.”

“Jess, please don’t do this.”

“Paul, the pain will last six months and then it will fade and you will forget.”

“I will never forget you, Jess.  I am in love with you and after this weekend how come you didn’t tell me about this?”

“Paul, I couldn’t stand to see the pain on your face.  It would have been harder for me, because I experienced it too, and now it will burn a whole in my heart being away from you.”

“I already lost one person that I loved; please don’t do this to me.”

“I am not doing this to you, Paul.  Don’t you see I am trying to make it easier for you?  I only got rid of the pictures so that you wouldn’t be reminded of me over and over again as you viewed them.  That’s what made it hard for me.  I am so sorry for this Paul.  I love you.”

“Then don’t go.  I will take care of it.”

“You can’t.  Not this time, Paul.  The decision was made back in November.”

“When I didn’t show up at the cabin on time?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, Jess, why didn’t you tell me?  I would’ve dropped everything for you.”

“But you didn’t, Paul.  Like always you’d expect me to understand and that is why I expect you to understand this.”

“Jess, I had no idea that it was so painful for you.  Please tell me where you are going?”

“You are kidding me.  You didn’t know I was miserable.  I begged and pleaded with you to spend time with me.  I was dying inside and you continued to keep doing it.  I loved you, Paul, more than anything in this world and I still do.”

“Jess, please.  I am begging.  You understand that?  I am begging you to stay.”

“That choice was taken away from me.  Just remember that I tried to break the contract.  Please forgive me, Paul.  This is it Paul they are boarding.”

“No, Jess.  I promise I will never hurt you again.”

“It’s not an option anymore.”

“Yes, you have a choice.  Don’t you dare hang up that phone, Jess, or… or I will never forgive you.”

She started to cry and I knew I hurt her more than I ever had in the past.  I begged, “Please, Jess.”

“Paul?”

“Yes.”

“Please tell me you didn’t mean that.”

“Jess, NO!  I’m desperate; please tell me where you are going?  I will follow you.”

I heard the dial tone.  She hung up on me and left me to the empty darkness where there’s no air, no light, and no Jessica.  The blankness engulfed me as I gasped for air.  She’s gone from my life and this deep gut wrenching told me I’d never see her again.

When everything went black my body convulsed in reaction to the abandonment.  A hand came around me to pull me back to reality, but I didn’t want to come back without Jess.  I stared into the empty space that was now my life without her.  I didn’t understand any of this because my world had ended.  It would be easier to not live than go one day without her face to brighten my day.

Everything left me in a daze, numb to the world. Theo’s hand gripped the back of my neck as his eyes pierced into mine. His lips moved like words should be coming at me but there’s nothing.  Not grasping anything the air escaped my lungs while I stood there in limbo.

Jessica

He would never forgive me for this.  I hurt the one person that I loved more than myself.  My tears continued to stream down my cheeks as I made my way down the single isle to the very last seat taking the one by the window.  The idea of not seeing Paul for a full year is bad enough, but the pain in his voice told me what this did to him.  Lost in my misery startled by a man standing over me when he asked, “Do you mind?”

Avoiding eye contact I nodded without looking up to show him my misery.  He sat down and I heard him sniffle.  A guy with a heart sitting down next to me, that’s how lucky I am.  He spoke to me, “What is his name?”

Not wanting to talk about my miserable life I gave him a one word answer, “Paul.”  My eyes wandered over to get a glimpse him.  My guess is correct.  He’s as miserable as I am so I asked, “What is her name?”

He gave me a slight grin amongst his misery, “Alison.”

Giving him an approving smile and then went back to looking out the window.  The plane’s engines roared and the sadness is over bearing the tears a full stream now.  Leaving Paul this way had to be the worst day of my entire life.

As a gesture of comfort this guy put his hand out with his pinky in the air.  Not deserving this at all I still wrapped my pinky around his.  The gasp that came from him filled me with relief.  We shared the same pain, the same torment, and the same comfort.  We didn’t need to talk to understand each other.

Paul

Sting with a heated sensation across my face shocked me into breathing again.  Tears filled my eyes when I realized Theo slapped me to my senses. Pleading with hope that he’d understand, “I love her.  I kept to my promise.”

He gave me a small smile while asking me, “What did she say to you before she left?”

I gasped for air, “She didn’t.”

Matt handed him the note.  As he read it his forearm pressed against my chest holding me up against the wall.  A smile grew on his face, “Paul, this tells me she loves you.”

That’s something I already know, “But you let her go.”

“No, she tried to get out of this.  She didn’t want to go but she signed a contract.  You understand contracts.”

“No, she’s gone and…”  Squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting to see the reality of her loving me and then just like nothing at all she’s gone from my life.

A strong sting against my face again caused the reality to come back and fill my lungs with air.  Not only did I not want to come back to this nightmare I didn’t want to go one day without her.  Words escaped my mouth without my brain working, “shit, that hurts.”

Theo laughed at me, “Are you back with us now?”

My heart bleeding, my face throbbing, and my eyes burning I nodded staring into his eyes wishing for an answer.

Theo gripped my shoulders firmly as he stated, “She wants you to wait for her if you can handle that.  Boy, can you handle that?”

All I got from his determined voice is
wait for her
and
handle that. 
Men aren’t supposed to cry at least that’s how society molds us, but losing two people I love in less than one decade.  It’s enough to put any man in the loony bin.  So what am I supposed to do while I wait?  My eyes searched Theo’s eyes for answers.

The warmth of his smile, the steady gaze he gave me brought calmness to my hysteria.  As if reading my mind, “Now, if you love her and you can wait for her there are things that you may want to get worked out in your life.”

Lost in wonder I asked, “Like what?”

“You need to stay busy.  Treat this situation like she is here at home and you just can’t see her for a while.”

I nodded but confused about what he said.

“You need to go back to school and finish your degree.  Try to fill your days with classes, studying, and whatever else you can do to take up all your time.  You don’t want to ponder about where Jess is.  For all you know she is at school a hundred miles from you, and she needs time to grow into a woman.  Can you do this for her, for me, and for yourself, Paul?   I love you like my own son and she said yes to marry you.  It would be my honor to make it official.  You need to handle this like a man and get your life straight.”

Everything he said made sense, but cluttered into a mumble of words that rolled together.  Jess is at school?  Part of their family?  Life straight?  What is this man trying to tell me?

He turned to Matt, “I need you to make sure he does this.”

Not knowing what Matt said or did because my brain numbed to the world.

Theo held my neck tighter, “How is the business, Paul?”

I shrugged, “handed it over to Tom.  I wanted to be with Jess and she needed more time together.”

He grinned and hugged me, “I am so happy you love my daughter.”  He released me and looked into my eyes, “You will handle this because she needs you in her life.  Someone that cares this much about her will be rare and I believe in you.”

Air entered my lungs again but the tears came to my eyes which made it impossible to see his face anymore.

Someone tossed him something but he lifted it to my face.  Recognizing the softness of terrycloth I wiped my eyes so I’d see him clearly.  I didn’t understand why he smiled at me.  It’s the end of my happiness so why did he have to be happy about that.

He took a deep breath, “The house, how is it coming?”

I searched my brain for an answer, but what did this have to do with Jess?  My only grasp came out, “It’s not done yet.”

“Well, if you two are going to get married in a year don’t you suppose you should get it done?”

None of this made sense.  She couldn’t marry me if she’s gone.

“Paul, she wants to marry you when she gets back if you will forgive her for leaving.  Think about it.  She didn’t want to leave.  She tried to get out of it.  She said yes to marry you.  She asked you to forgive her, and wait for her.  Is that something you can do?”

I nodded as he explained this to me. 

“Then you need to have a place for the both of you to live.”

Finally I understood as he went over the high points.  Nodding with comprehension I need him to tell me the next step.

“Go finish the school year.  Go home and work on the house.  Get everything in order, prepare for the future, and be ready when she comes home.  I would love to see my daughter in a white gown standing next to you, son.”  He pulled me into the biggest bear hug, which shouldn’t come from my future father in law.  He took me in when no one trusted me after losing Anne.

I nodded realizing that this man has given me more support than I ever deserved and I loved him and his daughter more than my own life.

“I need you to not do anything stupid, because my daughter loves you so much that you would be cheating her of a great life with you.  This is not final like Anne’s death.  Jessica is coming back!”

I nodded agreeing with him even though this seemed strange that he would be talking this way.

He gave me a smile and turned to Matt, “Did you get all of this, because you need to make sure he stays on track.  You will call me if you need help with… call me if Paul needs help.”

“Yes sir.”

“I mean no time alone for a while, can you handle that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Take him back to school and make sure he stays on track.  I will be up the first weekend you are at home.  We will meet at the house.  Paul, we are going to get started on the house.”

I nodded as he let go of my neck and walked me out to the car.  I got in but something didn’t seem right. 

Lying in my bed seemed so empty without Jess.  This is the worst dream I have ever had in my life, worse than those of losing Anne.  Tossing and turning couldn’t push them away this horrible ache in my chest wouldn’t subside.  When I rolled over again I opened my eyes finding Jess there offering me comfort.  Her fingers threaded through my hair relaxed me.  She didn’t ask me the usual question, which made things seem out of place, but she’s here with me now and it’s all that mattered.  I pushed the painful nightmare aside when she crawled over me rubbing against me with that cute little luring smile that begged me to kiss her.  Reaching up I traced my hands along her sides pulling her to me.  I didn’t want to hurt her or scare her off with that fear from the dream that took her away for a year.  Her mouth came to mine and pressed hard and needy.  She made me happy and took my breath away.  She rubbed against me again and I forced myself to not close my eyes.  Not wanting to get so absorbed in the moment that I might lose her.  Every enticing move caused my hunger to grow.  When she leaned down to nibble on my bottom lip I gave into the pleasure closing my eyes to enjoy every sensation.

Just like that she’s gone.  My eyes flew open in search of Jess through the emptiness that engulfed me.  Reaching into the air in search of her body, and her face gasping for air as I realized I let her escape me again.  I rolled over and put my face to the pillow where her head had been.  The scent she left behind filled my head with her essence.

This dream came again and again, each time being a little different, but each time being more real than the last.  This dream I had filled my broken heart only to have it shattered again.  The hardest part was waking from it to find her gone.

I wanted to see her more so I decided to be creative.  There were nights I sprinkled the drying rose petals over my bed.  Other nights I lit the candles and waited for her to come to me.  It’s amazing to get this little time with her.  To see the brightness of her eyes, the smile on her face.  She’s so playful and cute that I wanted to hold her forever, but every time I thought it was real I woke to her not being there.

After weeks of this I decided that I wanted to make her stay.  Finding the perfect rose I went to bed with it in my hands.  While I waited for her to come I planned out my persuasion to keep her here this time.  It seemed like I waited forever but she did show up, only after I fell asleep.  Her warmth caressed me as her hands wandered up my back massaging every tense muscle in my torso.  Pleased that she made it I rolled over swiftly not only to feel her, I also needed to see her.

To my delight her grin sparkled with sin.  I grabbed her thighs pulling her to me and she giggles without a sound.  Confused how she could laugh without any sound worried me, but it didn’t matter.  She is here with me, and had every intention of keeping her.  I gasped for air as I pulled her warm moist core against me again.  She leaned over kissing my chest while her hips ground into my rock hard dick.  The pleasure too much to endure to wait a moment longer but I had to make this last all night.  Refusing to close my eyes I, willed myself to hold on to this, I bit my lip to remember the pain that would come.  When she scooted down further away from me I wanted to demand that she come back here and never leave me again, but she wasn’t leaving.  Her hands roamed my abs, her eyes bright with mischief, and her mouth drooling, all while her intentions came clear.  Her mouth dipped to the hardness she caused.  Keeping my eyes on her became challenging when her tongue started at the base of my cock and trailed up to the very tip of me.  I whimpered because if she put her mouth around me I wouldn’t be able to hold back my release.  I grabbed her wrist holding her there so she’d have to stay here with me.  It’s bad enough that I dreamt about her mouth wrapped around my dick but when her lips wrapped around the tip of me, not only did I close my eyes, but they rolled back in my head.  Reminding myself that I shouldn’t have closed my eyes I hastily opened them again searching for Jess.

My hands held only sheets, I am hard as a rock, and Jess disappeared from my life again.  My glorious night with Jess had ended leaving me wanting.  I got up, blew out the candles, and fell to my knees by the side of my bed.  I begged god to give this one back to me.  I wouldn’t live through losing another love.

Night after night I prepare for my evening with Jess.  I brought food one night, because if we didn’t go out we would need food.  Another night I stocked bottles of water.  Not sure what I did wrong that made it impossible to keep her here with me?  I tried everything but she wouldn’t stay with me.

Matt came storming in, “That is it!  I promised Mr. Jenson that I would make sure you stayed on track.  You are going to class today if I have to get you in the shower myself.”

He pulled me from my bed dragging me with the sheets.

“No Matt, she comes here to be with me.  I need to stay here.  Not sure when she is going to come back.  I don’t want to miss her.”

“You are delusional.  That is it!  You are getting back to your life now.  I know it’s painful, but you have to be prepared.  Remember what Theo said… when she comes back you’ll need to be ready to marry her.  If you are delusional you won’t be ready.”