Losing You: a prequel to It's Not Over (11 page)

“Does it hurt?”

He shook his head as the smile came back.  I pushed a little more and he slid into me easily.  His eyebrows furrowed and a grimace came back to his face.  Forcing himself to stay calm and relaxed with long slow breathes.  Using his abs as leverage I push away from him all the way to the tip of his erection only to slowly consume him again.  His mouth opened and a sound from deep in his chest came out in a low moan.  Continuing the agonizing slowness the agony came and went from his face.  When his hands came back to grip my thighs he growled, “Oh, shit Jess.”

Controlling him I scolded once again, “Paul!”  Easing up a little I allowed his hands to stay on me but shifted my hips as my body consumed him again.  Explaining the movement, “This is how to go slow.”

His hands moved away from me but gripped the head board and his hips raised to trust into me prematurely.  Happiness filled my heart that he wanted me badly and this drove him mad.  Reminding him once again I deepened my voice, “Paul!”

He moaned with dislike but lowered as I pushed harder to him.

“Oh, Jess.”  His eyes opened full of need, only to close again as I gave him what he needed with a harder faster rock against him.  When his eyes scrunched in the effort to control the release his body so badly needed the moans and verbal pleas became constant.  Giving in to him I gave everything I had moving faster and harder until surly he couldn’t stop himself, and then I slowed back to a snail’s pace.

“No… no… no… please… no.”

When I pushed to him he released the head board sitting up pulling me to him.  The need of our bodies took over enhancing every movement, every breath, and every heartbeat.  Starting where we connected our bodies enveloped each other. 

Even after the heat of his released scorched my inside bursting my release he continued to move in me.  Hard and full in length his coming didn’t satisfy his craving.  Leaning back bracing myself as he worked hard to get himself off, but nothing seemed to be enough.

As he slid away from me I worried that he had given up on the second release of the moment.  That the intensity of this too much to handle.

When I felt his arms link under my legs I understood.  He pinned me to a better angle for his rough thrust.  No matter how many times I came, he always had more for me if I wanted.

The pleasure of us together unexplainable, but not enough to satisfy the hunger of more, and I wanted more of him.  The slight kisses to every part of our bodies as we made love.  It didn’t matter where our mouths were because we kissed whatever part of the body that’s there for the taking.  The exploration of our touching of our hands enhanced the desires we experienced.  I wanted him to know I loved every part of him and every part of us being together.

He finally rolled to his back completely exhausted, “I don’t know where you came from, but oh my god do I love this.”  I reached back and propped up the pillows and moved to lean back.  He rolled to me resting his head on my stomach.  His hands and arms reached around me to hold me.  I could watch him for eternity never getting tired of watching him fall to sleep.  The pain in my heart came back at the thought of my departure.  Running my fingers through his hair while my mind ran wild with worry for what this would do to him.

Hoping exhaustion would keep him sleeping, I tucked a pillow under his head as I inched my way from him.  When his arm wrapped around me tighter I rubbed his back until the tension in his arm relaxed again. 

After getting out from under him I whispered his name, “Paul?” to see if he’d answer.   With no response I made my way to the computer where I inserted the disk to download the pictures on it.  Tears pricked in my eyes when I deleted them from his computer.  Knowing I’d hurt him when I left, this would hurt him even more.  The only reason I had to do this was to keep it from reminding him of me.  He had to live his life while I’m away.  Not look at me on a daily basis to only feel that pain over and over again.

“Jess, what are you doing?”

Jumping at the sound I went into panic mode, “I have to start a new job in the morning.  Just checking what time I have to be there.”

He held out his hand for me and I got up taking it and crawling back in with him.  I traced my fingers through his hair and rubbed his back.

“Is this part of the thing that you have to do but don’t want to talk about?”

I whispered, “Yes.”

“If it’s a new job are you staying up here for summer, because we could live here?  You could move your stuff in and I could stay here with you and wait for you to get done.  I could feed you and you know.  We could be together.”

I wanted to stay here with him so badly, but that wasn’t going to happen.  I rubbed his back more, “I would love that Paul.”

He kissed my stomach and put his head back down on my belly.  I waited for him to sleep again and then I moved out from under him yet again.  I went to his desk to write the note, but had no idea of what to say to him.

Dear Paul:

I cannot explain the love I feel for you.  This has been the best days of my life and I will cherish them forever.

What I am regretting is the months ahead.  You see when I was miserable I agreed to do something that would take me away from you.  I didn’t know how to tell you or what to tell you.  I tried to stay away, but you are so darn cute.  Your persistence caught me unprepared to keep you away and now that we have had our moment I don’t want to leave.  But the choice and the commitment already made.

Glancing back at him the tears began to fall.  No matter what I agreed to in my heart I didn’t want to leave him.  Not now or ever.  Letting my eyes fall to the ring on my hand as the tears streamed down my face.  This pain will be unbearable for both of us.  I wiped my face and tried to continue.

I tried to figure a way to cause less pain, but the pain will come.  I deleted the pictures of me so that you would not have to be reminded of me every day.  I am leaving your ring with hopes that someday you will forgive me and place it on my finger again.  I am not allowed to bring things of value so the phone is yours too. 

If you find it in your heart to forgive me someday I would love another chance to spend my life with you.  Until then I don’t have a choice.

I’ll be gone one year, but I tried to make it easy for you.  There is nothing left of us together except for the memory in our brains.  The initial pain last about six months Paul and if you can survive that the pain will lesson.

As far as where I am going?  Well, at the time I needed to find a place where the pain was greater than my own from missing you.  I found it!  And now the pain of being away from you will engulf me once again

My tears dripped on the paper and I wiped them away but it smeared the paper a little.  Taking my last fill I looked back at him and gasped from my pain.

I am sorry, Paul.  For leaving, for not being able to face you and most of all for the pain that is to come.  I think you feel the same as me and I know I will walk in darkness for the next year.

                            I love you!!!!!!!!

                                          Jessica

Getting up I folded the note grabbed my stuff, and stood over him regretting having to leave.  I wanted so much to touch him and hold him one last time but the pain would be too much.  If he woke up I wouldn’t be able to conceal the pain in my heart.  I went to the bathroom to get dressed and washed my face to compose myself. 

I walked out putting the note, ring, and cell phone on the table.

“Jess, what are you doing?”

My heart dropped when I heard Matt.  I closed my eyes not turning to him and I tried to get the words out with a normal tone but I knew my voice was going to betray me.

“Um, I start a new job this morning and I have to go.”

He was walking towards me, “Why are those things on the table?”

Caught in the act of hurting Paul again I didn’t want to face him I turned and sprinted to hug him tight.

“Jess, you are scaring me.  You should let me wake Paul.”

Not letting that happen I shook my head and looked up at him full of tears.  Nothing I did could hold in the hurt I already felt.  Not only having trouble breathing but to swallow, impossible due to the lump in it.  Gasping I blubbered, “Matt, you don’t want to do that.  Um, I left him a note and it will be okay.  Just make sure that he knows I love him with my whole heart.  And you need to be there for him.  Don’t let him do anything harmful to himself.”

“Jess, tell me what is going on?”

“Promise me right now!  You won’t let him hurt himself.  I need him.”

“Of course not, Jess, but what are you doing?”

Convincing myself this would be the best way for Paul I forced a smiled on my face and kissed his cheek.  I knew he would wake Paul as soon as I made it out the door. 

He held me tight not letting go, “Jess, where are you going?”

Not giving a true answer I replied, “Where the pain is greater than Paul’s and mine.”

When I pushed myself from him I put my hand on the note, “Make sure he gets this will you.”

“Jess, tell me what is happening here?”

Having the best and worst day in my life all wrapped into one day I headed for the door.  There’s one thing that Matt needed to understand so Paul would; that I would be back.  Letting the tears fall I glanced back with only one thing left to say, “Take care of him until I come back please.  I love him.”

Closing the door and ran to my car.  It would have to be a quick getaway.  Driving away with my eyes on the rear view mirror seeing Paul run out the door with his hands entangled in his hair retched at my heart.  He didn’t understand why I would do this.  Truthfully neither did I.

Paul

I woke to Matt having a panic attack, “Paul, get up Jess is leaving.”

“Yeah, she is starting a new job this morning.”

He tossed me my boxers and pulled me off the bed, “No, it’s more than that.”

Confused with his frantic voice and his determination to get me up, “What are you talking about?”

“You better hurry or you won’t be able to stop her from leaving.”

“I need to stop her?”

“She left the ring, her cell phone, and a note.”

I jumped up, “She left the ring?”

He moved to the window allowing me to get dressed, “Yes, damn it.  Hurry up.  Shit, she started her car, Paul.”

I got up and ran out to watch her drive away.  I ran back inside going up the steps two at a time.  Storming in the apartment and advancing on Matt, “What did she say?”

“She was crying, Paul, and mumbling something about pain being worse than yours and hers.”

Not registering everything that just happened I picked up the ring and slid it on my pinky and opened the note.

Dear Paul:

I cannot explain the love that fills my heart when you’re in it.  This has been the best days of my life and I will cherish them forever.

My voice firm and angry I let out my comment, “Then why the fuck did you leave the ring?”

What I am regretting is the months ahead.  When I was miserable I agreed to do something that would take me away from you.

Shaking my head I realized I should have been more insistent on finding out what she had to do.  Especially if we had to be apart for it.

I didn’t know how to tell you or what to tell you.  I tried to stay away, but you are so darn cute.  Your persistence caught me unprepared to keep you away and now that we had our moment I don’t want to leave. 

Glancing up at Matt for answers only to see him wipe his face with his hands; he is as upset by this as me.  So I’m not over reacting because this confuses me.  I closed my eyes voicing my opinion, “If you didn’t want to leave why didn’t you tell me?  Fuck Jessica!”

But the choice and the commitment had already taken place.

Shaking my head not believing this happened.  She had to at least tell me where she’s going.  I continued to read.

I tried to figure a way to cause less pain, but the pain will come.  I deleted the pictures of me so that you wouldn’t be reminded every day.  Also I am leaving your ring with hopes that someday you will forgive me and place it on my finger again. Valuables are not allowed so the phone is yours too.

Broken is a better word for what this did to me.  Walking in my room going to my computer I clicked on my photos, but they’re gone just like she said.

Matt followed, “What?  Did she leave you the address, a map, WHAT?”

Choking back the bile that worked its way up from my stomach the only think I could get out, “My pictures of her…”  The emptiness filled me from the inside out.  Grabbing the desk to hold myself up I raised the letter to continue to read.

If you find it in your heart to forgive me someday I’d love another chance to spend my life with you.  Until then I don’t have a choice.

Blinking away the tears in my eyes I argued with the letter, “Yes you did have a choice!  Damn it!  I’d done anything to help you to help keep you here.  Why didn’t you see that?”

Matt walked over to me staring at me.  Not able to take my eyes from the letter I continued to read.

I’ll be gone one year, but I tried to make it easy for you.  There is nothing left of us together except for the memory in our brains.  The initial pain last six months Paul and if you can survive that the pain will lesson.

The sound of my sorrow came out in a groan, “No Jess.  This can’t be happening, you didn’t need to leave.  A fucking year?”

Matt voice cracked, “A Year?”

Completely devastated I held up the letter yelling at Matt, “That’s what is says!”

He shook his head in disbelief as I continued to read.

As far as where I am going?  Well, at the time I needed to find a place where the pain was greater than my own from missing you.  I found it!  And now the pain of being away from you will engulf me once again

Falling to my knees to pray that this wasn’t happening.  My body grew numb: it felt the same as the day Anne died right in front of me. 

I am sorry, Paul.  For leaving, for not being able to face you and most of all for the pain that is to come.  Understanding what we mean to each other I am sure I will not be the only one walking in darkness for the next year.

A sob escaped me when I realized that she’s right I will walk in total darkness for the next year.  Going into autopilot I got up even though my entire body shook from the adrenaline trying to pump life back into my veins.  I had to stop her, there had to be a clue, a way to stop her, a way prevent this torture.

Glancing at Matt for answers, but his face filled with pity.  The day my parents brought me to the psychiatrists Matt had that hopeless look on his face.  He put out his hand for the note so I handed it over to him with hope that he would find a clue of how to stop her from leaving.

Rushing around my room I grabbed a few things shoving them into a bag then headed towards the door.  Matt yelled from my room, “Oh my god, Paul.  What happen?”

I had no idea what happen.  Why she’d leave after agreeing to marry me.  I ran out the door, “I need to stop her.”

He followed right out the door, stopping for a second to check that the doors locked, “How?  We don’t know where she is going.”

Starting with the most obvious I confirmed, “Her dorm.”

This time I didn’t argue that he wanted to drive.  Lost in my own head with the idea of not seeing her for a year I couldn’t see the road threw the tears.  He drove fast to the dorm making me thankful.  I ran up to her room and knocked frantically.  Karlie answered the door sleepily, “Paul, Matt, what are you doing here?”

“Is Jess here?”

“No, she packed all her stuff on Friday and didn’t plan on coming back.  She’s supposed to be with you.”

I shook my head, “Did she say where she’s going?”

“No.  She had personal issues and that’s when I noticed her hanging out with Iaesha.”

“Who is Iaesha?”

“This strange girl that’s into volunteering to help people in troubled countries.”

A cool sensation moved through my body as I realized she’s leaving, leaving.  More like far away from me.  If I wanted to change this outcome I had to get to her before she left, “Where is Iaesha’s dorm?”

Karlie grabbed a robe and joined my pursuit down the stairs.  We knocked and knocked and finally someone came to the door, “What is it?”

Karlie addressed her, “What are you doing here?”

“What do you mean?  I go to school here.”

“Where is Jessica?”

“She has to be on a flight this morning.”

This nightmare got worse and worse.  Blood rushed to my hands, which grew into fists.  I wanted to hit this girl in the face but Karlie prodded more, “I thought you were going with Jess.”

“No, I’m not going.  I help from here.  I get recruits and sign them up to go help.”

Anger pounded hard against my head.  Moving closer to her, “Where is she going?”

“South America!”

My blood pumped hard in my veins.  So close to losing it completely I forced myself to hold it together so I could pry for more info, “Where in South America?”

The glare I got triggered my anger.  My hands fisted, but the only movement was my eyebrow with a questioning rise.

She shrugged, “How am I supposed to know?  They don’t tell me those things.”

Having to get away from her before I punched her in the face I took off at a full run.  I had to stop her from leaving; I had to get to her first.

Karlie yelled after me, “Paul, I’m sorry.”

Getting in the truck I ordered Matt, “Go to Jess’s house.”

“What?”

“Head to her house.”

“But… She’s not here?”

How do I explain this one, “She thinks she has to go to South America.  She signed up for something and she is heading to the airport but I bet she won’t leave without saying goodbye to her mom and dad.  We’d catch her there.”

Thankfully he took off and headed to the cities.  Two and a half hour drive of misery; wondering how he would cope without her for a full year.  Repeatedly he wished she’d told me about this situation.  She says she loves me and she didn’t want to leave, but felt helpless.  Remembering how I had asked about this without knowing and her avoidance on telling me.  After my process of the way things had progressed I yelled out, “Damn it!”

“What?”

I closed my eyes as the pain poured out.  The words fell from my mouth, “I sensed she had a problem, but every time I brought it up she’d cry.  I didn’t want to upset her so I dropped it.  I should have…”

“Don’t blame yourself, Paul.  She has always done things the wrong way.  I don’t want to sound mean, but she drives you crazy with her ways of manipulating it so that what she thinks is best for you.”

“No!  I’m wrong.  What I did to her over the last few years, wrong.  Did she say anything else?”

“Yeah, I am supposed to make sure you don’t do anything stupid to yourself.  I’m also supposed to take care of you so when she comes back you will still be here.”

I shook my head, and held it in my hands, “Please go faster.”

He laughed, “Call her dad.  Do they know what she is doing?”

“I don’t think so.”  When I pulled out my phone I noticed the ring still on my pinky.  With a promise to Jess I kissed it and then dialed Theo.

“Hey kid.  It’s way too early in the day, so what’s up with you?”

“Jess, left.”

“What?”

“She is going to South America.  Don’t let her leave.”

“What?”

“If she shows up there don’t let her leave.”

“Slow down.  Explain this to me.”

“I’d explain if I…”  I started to cry and handed my phone to Matt.  Explaining this to Theo I’d have to admit she left me.

I listened to Matt explain everything we learned while I collected myself.  When he finished explaining I got on the phone in time to hear him take a deep breath, “Okay son.  Just hurry.”

I hung up the phone and stared out the window going through everything in my mind.  Her face kept reappearing as I watched her smile, her pleasure, and her eyes as the sparkled in the candle light.  Everything I researched to make sure she’d never want anyone else to touch her the way I did, and it didn’t compare to the real thing.  We’re perfect together with the pleasure the desires and fitting so right.  Why didn’t she just tell me right away?  I could have stopped this from happening.  We’re supposed to be planning our future not time apart.

Jessica

As I drove home the tears continued to stream down my face.  Short on time I wouldn’t be able to argue with mom and dad, so I had to find a ride to the airport to avoid a long explanation.  Also if Paul showed up they wouldn’t be able to lead him to me

“Jess?”

“Hey, Greg, I need a favor.”

“What is up?”

“I need a ride to the airport.  Can you meet me at my house at 5:45?”

“Am or pm?”

“Like in a half hour.”

“Where are you going?”

“Um, remember how isolated I had been when I broke up with Paul?”

He answered with caution, “Yes.”

“Well I decided that I would go somewhere the pain is deeper than my own.  I signed up for it last November, but I need a ride to the airport.  Can you do it?”

“Yeah, I’ll just throw on some clothes.  Pick you up in a few.”

“Thanks.”

I pulled into the driveway and ran inside with my bags.  Dad stopped me in the kitchen, “What are you doing home?”

Still full of tears I demanded, “I have to go dad.” 

As I pushed by him mom stood second in line, “You need to explain what you’re doing.”

“If only I had time.  I’m supposed to be there by 6 am.”  I pushed by them and they followed.  I dug for summer clothes and stuffed them in my bag.

Dad sounded concerned, “Where are you going?”

Stopping for a second I turned to him, “I had to go where the pain is worse than mine, dad.  When Paul didn’t show up at the cabin I agreed to go and it’s like the military.  Once you sign up you don’t change your mind.”