Love Made Me Do It (22 page)

              We wrote to each other at least three to four times a week.  I felt as if our relationship may have a chance, now that we were dried up and apart. I always had the most mail that was covered in art and was at least five pages long.  I lived for those letters.  I wished that I could believe the promises that were expressed in those letters.  But as I would soon discover those words, were just words on both ends.  Broken promises and blurred lines. 

              Getting out after a three month jail sentence made me feel brand new to the world, I just wanted to get in a nice hot bath and put on my own panties.  You never know that things that you will miss the most until you no longer have access to them. Of course I wound up out of jail before he did, because we had different criminal backgrounds.  So once again I would be calling to see which one of his family members could pick me up from jail. 

              This time my luck getting out of jail was worse than the time before.  All of the numbers I had for his mama and his brother were disconnected. I got a ride to my house.  Opened the front door with my key only to discover that the house I lived in was now occupied by someone else.  The locks had not been changed.  I began looking around to see if the owner was there, and dog started charging towards me.  I slammed the door closed and started crying.  On the way back to the car, I threw what used to be my house key in the garbage.  I had been through worse and I would get through this too.

              Thankfully I had made a few friends in jail that let me stay with them, until I got on my feet.  I only had the clothes on my back and I didn’t know where to start.  I wanted to sleep away my days and cry away my nights.  But time waits for no one and I was no different.  The best part about being in jail for 3 months was that I was clean & sober.  I did not have any urges to use. I had a chance to change the direction my life was going in.

There was nothing more that I wanted than to be internally happy.  There was a decision that needed to be made.  I either was going to choose life or choose death.  I was tired of other people making choices for me.  The judge, my lover, his mama, his brother, and everyone else had a say in my destiny except for me. 

A whole month went by with no contact from my in laws or him.  I carried on with my life.  The clothes I had I washed those every other day and washed my panties and bra out every night.  I borrowed money from my friend so that I could get on the bus every day and go to my rehab program.  I was down but not defeated.  I tried to hone in on what God wanted me to do.  His guidance was drowned out by the other noise in my head, which I assume was the devil trying to lead me astray.

Finally I heard from my lover.  He was out and had moved in with his mama, his brother and his side chick.  What a relief to know that he was okay.  His clothes were carefully moved on to a new house, but my belongings could not be accounted for.  This was life as I knew it.  This was life as I allowed it to be.

              I wanted to be mad, I wanted to fight about my clothes, shoes, and Lord knows I wanted to fight about my pictures and keep sakes…but why, when I had zero chance of winning.  So I stayed silent and went with the flow of things. 

              Rehab was going okay, I learned to open up to the groups I was in and take from the program only what was needed.  I soul searched and made promises to God that I would do my best to keep.  I prayed so hard and so long that tears would stream from my eyes.  Something was bound to change.  Not knowing what the change would be. I just kept moving forward on my own behalf. 

              Feelings of suicide came and went.  Feelings of using came and went.  But the feeling of being alone stayed with me.  My loneliness sometimes came out during my group sessions in rehab as I fought back tears.  Often people thought I wanted someone to feel sorry for me.  That was never the case.  I wanted someone to say that they understood and give me a fool proof plan.  That not even I could fuck up. 

              I was moving thru my phases in the rehab and I felt good.  I had moved around a bit with a few different friends.  Quickly I learned who was really down for me and who was trying to come up.  I had made what I thought was a good friend.  But her and her god sister attempted to pimp me and thought I was going to be cleaning the house as payment for room and board.  Guess what? I wasn’t going to be participating in any of those plans.  I was trying to do the right thing.

I finally settled in with someone who had enough room for me to be there as long as I needed, with no underlying motives, for me to bring in money or be a maid. That felt good.  My lover had helped replenish my wardrobe.  Finally an end to my same clothes every day marathon.  The only major issue I had with my new roommate was…. she was a dope dealer.  As a recovering addict with three months under my belt, this would be a true test of my will power.  Lord, please help me keep my demons away. 

CHAPTER 33

BATTLING DEMONS

My new roommate was very mindful of my situation. I was mindful that she needed a resource to make money.  I stayed busy and when she was serving those in need of drugs, I distracted myself. 

              By court order I could not live with my lover. I could only see him on weekends and that was perfect for me.  I only needed him in small doses anyway.  This worked well for us, because it gave us the opportunity to miss one another.  Plus get our own lives together.  I knew that if I was away from him, I could get a lot more things done for myself.

              I was blessed to get an awesome job.  Slowly I started saving money and acting like an adult.  Before I knew it I was promoted to Assistant Manager in the call center I was working for.  At first it was rough the same group I started with, were now my employees.  The hated me.  I could care less. I was on a mission to find a level of success.  I worked hard every day, went to rehab from work.  I was at peace with myself.

              My probation officer was very proud of me and I had submitted nothing but clean U.A’s for months now.  My lover picked me up every Friday after work.  We were doing what normal couples did.  We made love, we went to the movies, we went to buffets and we truly started enjoying each other.  The fact that we had the ability to reconnect after all the damage was astounding.  I loved every moment that we shared together. 

              Of course every wonderful moment that I had involving him was short lived.  We had decided to go out to breakfast one Saturday morning, me, him and his mama.  That’s when she asked me how I felt about his brother’s side chick coming to work at my job.  I was floored to say the least.  I was unaware that she applied and was hired.  Apparently I was the only one that didn’t know.  If you hated someone, stole their clothes, and did everything in your power to destroy them…why would you come and work where they worked?  My only answer is… to further destroy their hard work. This is exactly what she tried to do.

              I was always the bigger person.  I always welcomed everyone with open arms, even my enemy.  On her first day of work, I walked over to her department and welcomed her to the company.  I bought her lunch and made her feel at home.  I was comfortable with whom I was, and the purpose I served within that company.  I was special and the owners adored me.  I was carefree and flourishing in my new position.

              Upper management was well aware that on some days during the week, I left early to go to my rehab program.  Not everyone I worked with knew this information because they didn’t need it too.  I was fighting my demons successfully or so I thought. 

              One day out of the month I would go and see my Probation Officer and give reports of how I was doing. I was honest about my criminal past and my ongoing battle with drugs.  But the side chick felt that it was necessary to tell anyone and everyone that did not know.  That I was a drug addict.  She was very bold, telling all my business in a break room when I wasn’t even there to defend myself.  She was a sneaky, ungrateful, hateful bitch.  Those are harsh words and although I know longer feel like that.  At that time she had shown me nothing to the contrary, to make me think otherwise.

              When I found out what was said from a reliable source.  I immediately contacted my lover.  Luckily she never came back after that day.  Neither my lover, nor his brothers were too happy about her actions.  Idle chit chat like that in a corporate environment would stop the flow of money.  No one could agree with that.  This was one of the few times when my lover and my in-laws had my back.  What a relief, had their not been anything done.  I was going to make every day she worked a living nightmare.              

              The drugs weren’t much of an issue.  If I felt triggered to use I talked about it, in my groups.  I never worried my lover with how I felt, because I was being mindful of what may trigger him.  The traffic at my house picked up.  I noticed that addicts were frequently at the door or inside the house when I was there.  I never said too much about it because I had no other options.  Being homeless so many times really humbled my words and actions towards others.  But deep down inside I knew that this would not be a safe place for me too much longer.

With the side chick gone, I was able to once again be carefree at work.  The job was a lot of pressure, I had to make sure that I had a team that produced numbers and took care of customers the right way.  Although I was apprehensive when I was advised that I would be getting help from a manager that the company was going to bring in…it gave me a sense of relief. I was looking forward to building an allegiance with a person that had more skillset than I did at being a manager.

              Unnecessary stress could cause demise in my efforts at doing things the right way.  Red flags immediately were raised when I met who they brought in.  Trying my best not to be judgmental I welcomed the new manager with open arms.  Showed him the ropes and educated him on our products and what our goals were.  We hired a few new people together. One of my new hires was his brother’s daughter in law. 

              Under new management, with a “family member” in my department, I expected every day to be a cake walk.  To some extent those minor changes made my stressful work days, much easier.  I had someone to complain too and gossip with.  My new manager was definitely on drugs, but as long as I did not let the effect my work performance I didn’t care.  I was there to work and get paid.  I was not there to babysit or save the world.  I was still trying to save myself and I was still so far away from that. 

              My rehab program taught me.  That the first five years of becoming clean you must be selfish.  You must change your people, places and things, if you wanted to successfully go from user to quitter.  I lived by those words and still do.  When it became too much to handle, I confided in the owner and let her know my concerns.  She assured me that I was wrong, and I left it at that.

              Meanwhile I was noticing a change in my lover.  I began having thoughts that he was once again cheating.  So I began investigating.  Since, we were not in the same household, except for on weekends.  I started my investigations with our phone records.  I was the main name on the account I had access to our records online.  So one day on my lunch break, I looked at all his incoming and outgoing calls.  There was a trend of bay area phone numbers.  That I knew were not numbers of family members, so I dialed the ones that I saw the most. 

              My suspicions were right on the money.  Tons of girls had been made tons of empty promises by my lover.  This whole situation was running into the ground, just when I thought that things were getting better and we were conquering our demons…I was proved wrong.  The stories I heard from these women shattered me.  But honestly I was not surprised.  Disappointed but not surprised. 

              It was Friday and my lover would be arriving shortly to pick me up.  That is when I would show him his phone bill; I had highlighted all the suspicious calls and the call duration.  I was curious to see how he would get out of this.  I rode all the way to his house, like I had no issues.  But I was boiling over inside.

              When we got all settled in comfy and cozy I reached into my purse and pulled out exhibit A, my evidence that he was still a liar and a cheater.  He was speechless as he half-heartedly looked at those phone bills.  There was no explanation but there was a resolution.  We needed a break from each other.  I told him to figure out if I had a place in his life.  Then I called my coworker to come and get me.  There was no way that I was staying that weekend.  Or any other weekend until the dynamic of our relationship was in a consistent happy place. 

              I carried on with my life.  Work, rehab and piecing together relationships with family and friends that suffered because of my addiction.  It was hard work, and for some reason I thought it would be easier than it actually was.  I was a no show for everything.  When my friends came to town, I made promises to meet them or excuses as to why I couldn’t be there.  I wanted to be the person, that they remembered not the demons that consumed me.  It was too complicated to explain over the phone.  I would let me actions talk for me.  Leaving him alone was my first step towards that goal.