Love Made Me Do It (24 page)

              Friday’s were always happy days for me, this was pay day.  On this particular pay day, I was feeling like I should just turn myself in and get away from this asshole.  When he started talking shit, and insisting that I give him my whole check; I jumped out the car at a red light.  Only to be dragged back.

              This was a hopeless situation.  So I stayed and I took it.  My hair had been grabbed so many times in the middle of my head that hair will barely even grow there.  He stunted my growth as a person and he took away all my basic rights.  Yet, he never owned up to anything.

The lights & gas were cut off.  I had a pocket full of money but there were three other grown people in the house.  I felt no need to chip in.  I was paying more than my share.  So when they cut off our power we stayed in our room, with our flash lights and pipes.  I prayed for death.  But God never answered. 

              The lights being cut out, was just a prelude to being evicted.  Apparently, the new car I helped his brother purchase took all of his brother’s money.  He collected $400-$500 a month from us as our portion of the rent and other household bills.  He never once paid the landlord.  So the Sherriff’s put a pad lock on our front door.  All this happened while I was at work busting my ass.

              The best thing about Vegas was that there were always houses for rent.  We found a beautiful five bedroom house.  We were as whole, as one dysfunctional blended family could be.  I continued to work as my escape from him and using.  I formed a few close relationships with my coworkers.  I found some peace in unleashing all the anguish I felt inside, on their shoulders. 

              My lover’s chest began to bother him more and more.  It had to be the drugs that were causing him to be sicklier.  Then one day, just like several times before.  He decided that it was time for us to quit. We threw out all drug paraphernalia, onto the side of the freeway. 

              New start to an old life, I was fine with that.  I had decided months prior that quitting was inevitable.  But it was never my call.  I even decided to try and be friends with his brother’s side chick. I needed a friend in the house.

I had reservations about befriending the side chick.  She had been disloyal since day one.  But I was going crazy in that house.  So we hung out one night. Intending to go skating, but the skating rink was closed.  We wound up drinking and gambling at the casino. 
Loose lips sink ships
. 
Once the side chick consumed alcohol, she sure had a lot to say.  She wanted to hurt me. I was unsure of her motive, when she confessed that she had something to tell me. 

              “Can I tell you something and you won’t say anything?”  My reply was “Of course.”  I had not one intention on showing her any loyalty.  But I had every intention to get information from her.  She informed me that my in law that I hired had been sleeping with my man…For years, according to her.  I was devastated and in complete shock.  I listened as she described their supposed affair. 

              Immediately I text the in law, we had become very close over five years.  I trusted her to an extent.  She denied every accusation via text and when I came home to question my lover.  I was slapped repeatedly every time I stood up I was slapped.  Until, I stopped getting back up.  Even his mama couldn’t stop him from whaling on me.  I cowered into the spare bedroom and stayed in there the whole night on a deflated air mattress and no pillow.  I was being punished.  When he asked me where I got that information I told him.  The side chick denied everything.  I wasn’t the only one beat up that night.  She sported a black eye.  When I crossed paths with her the next morning, I laughed to myself.   Although it was wrong, why did she lie, and more importantly
was
she lying? 

              I carried on.  Now more cautious than ever, I was living in a house where everyone was conspiring to get me.  No one in his family liked me, and I couldn’t trust any of them.  There was so much disloyalty. I had no one to run too, but my coworkers.  They were probably sick of me complaining about someone who was CLEARLY a loser.  So I stayed quiet. 

              After the accusations I made, I also had a black eye.  I went to work with a partially black eye and plotted to leave him.  I plotted to make the most money in my department that week and fly back to California with my family.  Get an attorney and fight my case from there.  Only I never made it back to California.

              There were always speed traps mid-week.  Since I was on the run I was always cautious of the little things.  That could potentially get us caught.  My coworker started picking me up for work since our car was so hot.  We couldn’t take any extra chances.  We woke up late because he wasn’t feeling good.  So he had to take me.  Running late and driving 80+ mph.  We ran right into a speed trap and pulled over.

              I wasn’t worried at all.  I told him not to speak for me. My alias hadn’t let me down yet.  However he didn’t have one.  When I saw that they were taking him. I gave myself up.  It was May 9
th
of 2009.  I had 2 outstanding felony warrants, and I had absconded from my Rehab Program.  I was praying that I would not be sent to prison.  But most likely I would be. 

              He called his mama before they cuffed him, so that she could come and get the car. I called my job letting them know I would not be in that day. It was bound to happen.  There was no way around being caught.  Although, I had some hope that I could make it five years.  I knew deep down inside that.  That was unrealistic.  This was actually a perfect time to be arrested.  I was clean and I could start my life over from this moment on.

              As much as I claimed to be ready to see the judge.  I was still very terrified.  Now I had no choice.  I was cuffed in the back seat of a police truck right next to my lover.  I cried not just because I was going to jail.  But because God had finally answered my prayers, along with death I had prayed many times to be caught. I knew it was the only way to end the life that I was living.

              I closed my eyes and leaned my head back.  I could feel the body heat of my lover.  This gave me some comfort but one thing I knew for sure was that we were done.  It was over and after this I would move on. Hopefully he would too.  It hurt my heart to know that we both had cheated ourselves out of a life worth living.  We both cheated ourselves out of good health and stability.  When I look back, the partying wasn’t worth it.  None of it allowed us to amount to anything.

              We were un-cuffed and booked into Clark County Detention Center.  I wiped my tears and hugged him one last time.  We sat in an open room full of other criminals waiting to be processed.  I waited so long, that I fell asleep. I was awakened by the sound of his voice telling me that it would be okay and no more tears.

              With a heavy heart I called my mom and told her that I had been arrested and I may be going to prison.  She listened and told me to call her when I knew for sure.  I hung up the phone.  I was scared and emotional. I was saddened the most at the thought of what I was putting my mom through.  As the oldest I had let her down; and my pain and struggle wasn’t just mine. I was so selfish that I never recognized that until it was too late.

              I made a few more calls from the holding tank.  I called our house and my job to let them know the full story.  I wasn’t surprised that they fully supported me and were willing to do anything to help me thru my situation.  At 9 in the morning the holding tank was pretty peaceful.  But I knew that soon it would be filled up with battered women, prostitutes, killers, drunk drivers and transients.  So I found a resting spot away from toilet but facing the mounted T.V.  I knew that I wouldn’t be going upstairs for about 48 hours.  Vegas county jail was always packed.  But what else was to be expected in a 24 hour town, where they gave you a long leash to fuck up….but when they caught you that leash turned into a choker. 

              I went upstairs in record time less than 48 hours.  I was settled into my housing unit and I would be seeing the judge in a few days for my revocation hearing.  “Hang em High Mosley,” that was my judge, and he didn’t give any chances.  Probation was your only chance.  I sat on my bunk and looked around my pod.  There were a few faces that I recognized including C.O’s. 

              My job sent my final check to the jail.  It was close to a thousand dollars, as well as some extra money along with a card that everyone signed.  I always had support and I was very loveable it showed in the relationships that I kept.  It even showed in the relationships that I destroyed. 

              If only I could use that same charisma on the Judge and my Probation Officer. I just may be able to get out of this legal web I was caught in.  My hopes of that was low, realistically I was ready to be done.  If I was reinstated, I would have to start the whole song and dance again…the rehab, the reporting to my P.O., and the weekly visits to court for a status check.  I would rather just do the time and get on with what was left of my life. 

              My P.O came to see me and discuss what he would be recommending to the Judge.  Right when I saw his face I knew I was fucked. This was a brand new P.O.  I had no rapport with him so I listened and took notes and prepared myself for the worst.  I was looking at revocation in two cases, both gross misdemeanors that had turned into E felonies.  Both cases would be a sentence of 12-36 months.  Hopefully, if I was revoked my cases would run concurrently and not consecutively.

              In the mean time I prepared myself for my revocation hearing.  My job wrote a letter on my behalf.   Even though my new P.O said there wasn’t a chance in hell that he would reinstate me.  I still submitted my letters and evidence that I would be able to pay my outstanding court fees.  My thoughts were already geared towards life in Prison for at least one year.  But if I could not go for the sake of my family especially my mama, I was going to try everything. 

(Actual court documentation)

I was present and in custody too hear my fate, only for my hearing to be continued in two more weeks.  My memory was immediately jogged, realizing that I would be going back and forth with Clark County Judicial System for at least another two weeks.  This was going to be rough. Hopefully I would get to see my lover at court.  As my co-defendant he should be there except for the case that involved my rehab program. 

              It was only so many jail stories that I could listen too. I was ready to hear what would happen to me and for how long it would be happening.  Most of the women were institutionalized, that was one of my biggest fears. Becoming a statistic, I was already half way there as a young black woman and a drug addict. 

              Reading occupied most of my time along with playing cards.  I felt like I was getting dumber by the day.  Then anxiety began to overtake my every waking thought.  I watched women being sent to prison all around me.  They came back from their court dates in despair.  Unable to be with their small children or families until their release dates.  I saw anguish on the faces of women who thought for certain that they were going home.  These women were getting heavy sentences too; 10 years to life.  All of a sudden I was terrified. 

              The only thing I had to look forward to was my letters from my lover and my rediscovery of the Bible.  In such a time of disparity maybe the promises of the Bible could see me thru my dark nights.  God knew I needed him. But had he finally decided to turn his back on me too. 

              Today was the day that I would learn my destiny.  I had prayed until my eyes were drowning in tears and my knees went numb from kneeling on a concrete floor.  My future was either going to start today or be post-phoned today.  It was all up to the Judge.  I had a fresh jail house hair do, my eyebrows were arched to perfection and my county blues had been under my mattress for two days.  So my creases were fresh.  I looked good but looks weren’t going to get me anywhere.  I had fucked up and it was time to pay the piper. 

              I was lucky that my original Judge (Hang em High Mosely) was on vacation.  So, I had half a chance at beating my cases.  With my heart pounding and beads of sweat forming on forehead and upper lip.  I felt like I might vomit or pass out or both.  I stood when the Judge called my name and when she sentenced me to prison in both my cases. I dropped to my knees and screamed.  As tough as I tried to appear, I didn’t want to go to prison. I was petrified. 

              The only thing I knew about prison is what I seen on T.V and on movies.  I could only think that I wouldn’t make it out alive.  I was so distraught the judge called for a medic to attend to me.  I refused to leave the court room.  I begged the judge to reconsider.  I had my court fees, I had letters of reference and I was begging her to have mercy on me.  But she dismissed me.  She advised me to take my time in prison to consider my priorities.  She said that I was such a beautiful young lady and although my situation was tragic and unfortunate. I needed to get my life together.