Love Made Me Do It (20 page)

              We made do, we were no longer starving or cold but I was overdue for a long hot bath.  Instead of a sink that I tried to fill up with shower gel and attempt to get clean.  Right when I thought that he had taken the notion of making me, get money from strange men out of his mind…I had a rude awakening.

              Unbelievable, but by now there were few things that could shock me in regards to the level of disrespect I subjected myself too.  He had been gone all day with his brother and his brother’s side chick.  They all came in with smiles on their face like they shared a secret.  I was told to get dressed, and refusing to move, I was knocked out of a chair and hit in the back with a beaded Mardi gras necklace.  The brother and his side chick said nothing.  Did nothing.  I picked myself up and did as I was told. 

              Locking myself in the bathroom I pulled my shirt off and examined my back.  The same way I viewed all my battle wounds is the same way I wish I could see my brain and figure out what caused me to think so little of myself and allow others to treat me like shit.

I was dropped off at Treasure Island Hotel on the Las Vegas strip with no instructions.  Just a look, and that look was a look that could kill.  His glare burned a permanent hole in my soul.  I roamed around the hotel looking for a millionaire that would just want to talk all night.  Instead, I picked up an old white cowboy that turned out to be an undercover police officer.  I wasn’t arrested but I was 86’d from that hotel. 

My lover was watching from a distance, seen me get on the elevator and probably started spending money that did not exist.  So when I came downstairs he held his hand out. I told him I was busted.  There was no money and that I had to leave the property and he should walk away from me.  Pissed was an understatement he was high and belligerent, shaking his head in disbelief he walked away.  In the car with him, his brother, and the side chick, I was shamed like the two bit hoe; he was trying to turn me into.

I tried to sit back and ignore everyone, but my back was on fire from the welt that the beads left.  I rested on my elbow and peered out the window and let the tears fall freely.

I slept long and hard that night, fighting my drug cravings and fighting thoughts of killing myself.  I woke up and opened the main door to the office suite and tried to figure out the time of day.  It had to be at least noon.  My lover was nowhere in sight.  I didn’t know if that was good or bad. 

The phone rang on the fax machine and it was his brother looking for him.  “He’s not here, no I don’t know where he went, yup, and I tell him to call you.”  I hung up and wondered what now. 

He came sauntering in all sweaty and fidgety.  He had drugs this I knew.  I held my hand out to get my issue, and then I told him to call his brother.  I vacated to my hideout… on the foam mattress with my lighter and my pipe.  This is what life had become for me.  I was once full of life, now my life was whatever was in my pipe. 

My high was interrupted and short lived.  Rent in the office suite had not been paid by his brother.  We had to get out, right at that moment.  They were coming with the Sheriff’s and a padlock.  I was in a fog, barely able to fathom the circumstance at hand.  Now were homeless in Vegas too.  What the fuck…

Darting around every room, we gathered, picked up and threw away any and all things that looked suspicious.  He was running around without a shirt with handfuls of our clothing throwing them into the back of his mama’s truck.  I followed suit. 

Instead of going straight to his mama’s house to return her truck, we drove around for hours and hours and hours.  Smoking up everything including; our souls, pride and dignity.  I was so paranoid and hot, I needed to get out of the car.  Finally we pulled up in his mama’s driveway and we got out. 

There were few words exchanged between me, him and her.  She let us stay the night and we slept for almost two days.  I was on the living room floor and he was in his mama’s bed.  I woke up before him and just watched him sleep.  When he was sleep I could still see the attraction I once had. When he was awake, I could only see the Devil and a man that I once respected.

CHAPTER 30

IN LAWS

She didn’t like me anymore than I cared for her.  However, my heart was very forgiving and I was always willing to do anything necessary to mend broken fences.  She wasn’t that willing.  This was fine.  I needed to be able to shower, eat and be normal.  I was in a constant dark tunnel, searching for normalcy with no flashlight.

She agreed to let us stay, but in return we would have to get jobs and help with her 4 foster kids.  I was in agreement with that plan.  Now that I had an address and access to a car to get back and forth to work, I had action at getting back on at least one foot.  My lover would not get a job; I knew that just as well as she did.

The brother was not happy when he received the report from the Office Suite Landlord.  There was an extensive amount of drug paraphernalia left behind.  I hated the fact that they acted like they did not know.  I understand being embarrassed and in disbelief but they were as much of the problem as my lover was.  They never said shit to him, they never addressed the issue.  There was never an intervention only enabling. 

The brother tried to talk his mama out of letting me live there, I overheard their conversation and I started to shake thinking about where would I go, and how could I get back to my family.  Luckily, their mama didn’t put us out. 

I woke up early in the morning, got dressed, did my hair, cleaned up and asked her for the want ad section of the paper and if I could use the computer to apply for jobs.  This was a good start for me.  I let him sleep while I attempted to be the adult. 

That following week I was hired at a time share company.  They loved me immediately, I put up numbers, I hit every challenge and I brought home good checks.  Half went to him and the other half went to his mama.  Sometimes I would sneak and keep a few bucks so that I could buy lunch with my coworkers

              Not only was I expected to go to work every day and give away all my money. I still had to be a part of what ever hustle he had going.  I was so exhausted by the time I got off of work I didn’t want to be a part of his scams.  I did my part already.  I got up and went to work every day, even if I had been up all night getting loaded. 

              We had a few regular spots that we went to that were guaranteed money makers.  Against my better judgment and following his orders, I spread the word to a few girls at work that we had the plug on shoes, clothes and baby items

              That was a huge mistake.  That only cost me and made it awkward at my new job.  One chick made an order of about $300 worth of stuff, but when the time came after work to exchange our goods for her cash…She played us, and gave us the run around.  She insisted that it would be good later on that night, and not to sell her stuff.  Well later on that night came and went.  There was no answer at first when my lover tried to call her, then her man jumped on the phone and it continued to go all bad.

              When it was all said and done.  I was the blame.  I was at fault.  So the next day I went to work with an eye so black, and bruised that blinking made me flinch in pain.  When I saw my eye in the morning, I cringed at my own reflection.  The foster kids questioned my battle wound.  I lied and said that some cans fell on me in the pantry.  They weren’t that bright but between the four of them, they knew I was lying.  I dismissed their questioning and continued getting ready for work.

              The drive to my job was solemn and filled with random noise from the DJ’s on the radio station.  I sat back with my shades on, thinking of what lie I could use at work.  Unable to come up with one, I decided to recycle the one I used with the foster kids. 

              I sat in my cubicle with my glasses still on, and just when I was ready to remove them. I was called into my manager’s office.  Not again.  I would refuse to take another loss, I would beg for my job if I had too.  Luckily I didn’t have too.

When I took a seat in my manager’s office I was asked to remove my glasses.  I took them off and kept my head down.  My manager told me I was beautiful and that I didn’t deserve that type of treatment and I shouldn’t be using that
stuff
.   Looking at him in disbelief I played dumb.  “What stuff?”

Apparently the chick who played us, her dude is the one who my lover bought dope from 85% of the time.  She told it all.  I could have killed her.  But instead I smiled at my boss, held back my tears and apologized for coming to work inappropriately and swore that it would never happen again. 

              I never admitted to using any stuff, and dismissed his accusations of domestic violence.  That was yet another mistake I made that really cost me down the line.  I worked the remainder of my day, doing my best to keep the bruised side of my face away from my coworkers.  But they knew.  It was so obvious.  I had started my first day there and all my other days filled with so much charisma.  I was bubbly and personable, but on that day.  I was simply a shell of person. 

              My lover picked me up from work and asked to look at my eye.  I pulled off my glasses and let him look.  Shame covered his face as he leaned over and kissed me.  I smiled and pushed the incident out of mind.  I put it on a conveyer belt in a box with all the other accidental, but purposeful ass whoopins.  There were no more words exchanged.  We shared a lighter, and we fueled up with dope.

              We had many, many, fights either over drugs, money or both.  That interfered with my work performance.  To add to my issues, I had started another relationship as somewhat of an escape with a
woman
at my job. She loved me so much she was willing to buy me drugs if I just left him.  I considered her proposition. I loved her in a way that was past intimacy.  However I knew that he would kill both of us if he found out. 

              I stay many nights at her house and used carpooling and saving money on gas as an excuse.  I did my best to hide my feelings towards her but soon he discovered that something was fishy and when he found a letter from her hidden in the lining of my purse. All hell broke loose.

              He was getting high in our bedroom and I was watching T.V in the family room after a long day of work.  I had to wait to get high until his mama left for work.  That wait seemed like an eternity.  While I was waiting to sky rocket away from my problems he was looking thru my stuff. 

              I was called into the bedroom and told to lie down.  I did as I was told.  He pulled out the letter and asked me to read it out loud, in the tone of voice I had written in.  I kept thinking he was going to kill me.  I read the letter out loud…the next thing I know is he grabbed my shorts by the belt loops and ripped them off my body.  He delivered relentless amounts of blows to my body.  I never saw such strength from him, it was terrifying.  He yelled at me to stay quiet and not to move.  I continued to lie still as he proceeded to examine my vagina.  The woman I was involved with wore a lot of glitter eye-shadow.  There was evidence all over my body.  I was busted but I didn’t care.  He’s lucky that I didn’t leave his ass. 

              It was close to the time that his mom would be coming down stairs to leave for work.  So he let me up with these careful instructions; “Don’t act funny, in front of mama.”  I knew he meant business.  So I fixed his mama’s plate and sat and made conversation with her.  My body hurt, and I knew that he wasn’t finished with me.  As soon as the garage door closed he came charging at me like a raging bull.  He slung me around like a rag doll. 

              He let go of me for a split second and I darted for the front door.  Barefooted I ran for my life and as soon as I was literally an inch from my neighbors doorbell.  He dragged me all the way back to the house by the hair at the top of my head
(hair still does not grow there.)
  He beat me up half the night.  I endured every blow and went to work yet again like nothing had happened.

              I never said anything to his mama she wouldn’t be able to save me anyway.  So I left my girlfriend alone and even though we worked together, I never even looked her way at work.  His mama knew something was wrong, she always did.  But she never involved herself in our domestic dysfunction.  She continued to enable us and she probably secretly hoped that I never came to her with my problems. 

              Being high was our only escape from the fucked up reality we were in and his mama knew it.  Yet we came in the house late with her car, with no apologies and just handed her the keys and locked ourselves in our room.  She talked about us, but not really too us about the drug abuse.  I feel like she could have helped but she opted out. 

              Slowly we kept spinning out of control.  The more money I made in commission at my job the more money was spent on drugs.  However I also had my rent money for her.  Meanwhile, he rarely was giving up his money unless it was for gas.  I was able to treat myself and got my hair done.  His mama made me feel guilty about that.  So I gave her some money I had stashed so she too could get her hair done too.  I tried to rectify every 10 shitty things I did in the world would at least one kind gesture.