Love Made Me Do It (5 page)

The conversation went something like this…“What’s up man?” “You have a problem with my girl?” “Uh, uh, uh, no sir, not at all” “I’m not sure what she told you.” “She told me you have a problem with that mouth of yours. “  “I thought we cleared that up.” My boss glanced over at me.  He knew damn well we hadn’t cleared shit up.  “You better watch your fuckin’ mouth, before you get yourself hurt.” We got in the truck and burnt rubber out the parking lot.

That night we made love.  If only we could stay this way forever.  He was my perfect peace.  This is why I didn’t know how to leave.  But I knew I had too. So as the time ticked.  I prepared myself for what was to come. I arranged an interview over the phone with American Express in Arizona, and proceeded with my packing.

Our routine was still in effect, our love on repeat.  A small part of me was dying and yet he had no clue. I wanted to be able to love without incident.  I wanted to live and be happy.  But with a cheater riding shot gun in my life I didn’t have a fair chance.

Then it happened; my sign from God. It was Friday night our date night.  He went into the store and I stayed in the car.  Looking for my favorite CD I found a stack of naked Polaroid pictures. However, in the handful of pictures I looked through, not one was of me. 
This bastard did not deserve me.

It was three or four, different women.  My heart fell outside my body and my breathing slowed.  I was defeated.  I realized at that moment, love shouldn’t hurt.  This needed to come to an end.  Love isn’t about betrayal.  It’s about feeling worthy to another human being. I hadn’t found that because, I had yet to know that I was worthy without a man. He was bringing my property value down and I allowed him too. He walked back to the truck, with paper bag full of liquor. I’m sure my face told how I felt.   “Just take me home,” he looked over at me puzzled, puckering up for a kiss. I repeated, “I am not kidding, take me to my fuckin house.” He did just that.

When he stopped in front of my house I threw those Polaroid’s in his lap.  Crying and hyperventilating, I got my ass out of that truck. I cried myself to sleep.  Hoping not to wake up, begging not to feel pain. Asking God what did I do to deserve this treatment?  God had given me plenty ways out. I just never chose them.  Now am I completely aware that the whole duration of the relationship, I always had my free will.  My phone rang and rang and rang, thru- out the night.

In the morning I woke up with a new lease on life.  I finished packing and had an impromptu yard sale.  I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of California. My plane ticket was purchased.  My bags were packed, and my love life was on the brink of extinction. But the most importantly I needed to get away.  I needed to clear my head.  I needed to do something different and experience something different in an element that was different.

My love and I were on speaking terms, but I just couldn’t understand why he insisted on having more than one woman.  Wasn’t I enough? Didn’t I satisfy him? The answers he gave me over the years would fluctuate from the truth to unbelievable lies. But soon enough, I would put all those issues behind me. It would be wheels up and everything would slowly evaporate behind me. I was looking forward to leaving him and his lies.

During that last week in California so many things were going on around me.  At 22 years old I felt so lost.  My maternal grandfather was dying with his mistress by his side.  It seemed like everything I was familiar with was slowly parting from my grasp. Two days before I left for my new home in the desert.  I went to the hospital to hug, kiss and say goodbye to my grandpa as he lay dying.

It was September 29
th
, 2001.  I carried the guilt of leaving my love behind. Plus leaving my granny and my mother during their time of grieving.

My grandparents had long divorced but my granny was old school, she stood by his side even when he was undeserving. I watched as him and my granny started parting ways.  Acting less, like husband and wife and more like roommates.

Family is important.  It’s the most important relationship on earth.  Granny adhered to that, until my grandpa gave her a reason to proceed with a divorce.  After over 30 years of marriage. I sat in the hospital waiting room… me, mama, and granny.  His mistress in the waiting room, life seemed to be out of sorts in every which way. I reflected for a moment on my family. My family as I knew it began to take a different shape.

Now we all sit separately waiting for the inevitable, for my grandpa to pass onto the next life. Yeah I needed to go. I didn’t want to be the strength for everyone else anymore. I wanted to live for just me, just this once.  Grandpa passed the next day. Even though I was sad, in two days I would be leaving behind my grief and pain.  My life still had to carry on. 

We made up for the sake of me leaving.  I refused to hear the lies about the Polaroid pictures.  Or the excuses of why his dick was constantly in between legs that were not mine. I just wanted to have fun and avoid arguing.  That night we went to his cousin’s house…That night I was introduced to drugs. 

I’m talking about Rick James, Whitney Houston, rock and roll type of drugs. Of course I had seen drugs before.  My parents came from the Dope Era. I was an 80’s baby.  I had already seen a lot and was about to experience more.

At his cousin’s house we drank and reminisced about the course of what our relationship had been. We smothered our liver in alcohol and laughed and enjoyed the night. While a blunt was rolled in another room, I was in the midst of enjoying the night.  All the bad times were almost behind me.  I sat on his lap and whispered in his ear.  “I love you.”

He was my lover and always would be. When the blunt was passed to me, no one told me what was in it.  But the thickness of the smoke and the sweet scent told me that it was laced.  We went back to his house and made love to Mary J Blige. I cried with every stroke.  I couldn’t help but wonder if this would be our last time together. 

I was high, he was high…we were
high
.  The next day would be high on a plane.  With no expectations or knowledge of what was to come. You hope for the best but expect the worst, always.  I lay there knowing that in just a few hours I would be boarding a plane and embarking on a new journey. I looked to my right and my lover lay so sound, looking so peaceful. I just stared at him for a moment….looking at him and admiring his face.

I noticed lines in his forehead that I had never seen before. I let the sleeping giant lay.  Finally I fell asleep too.  Before I knew it, it was morning.  I slipped out of bed and into the shower.   It was show time.

He was wide awake when I came out of the shower. I kissed him on the forehead.  “Get ready, we still have to go by my sister’s house.”  It was October 1st 2001.  It should have been chilly outside but we were having an
Indian summer,
in the Bay Area.  The sun was slowly getting ready to set and I was riding shotgun in his truck, music turned up with my hand on his thigh.

We hit the freeway and we were on our way to my sister’s house so that I could say my goodbyes. So many thoughts ran thru my mind on that short drive.  The main one was self-doubt, but I pushed those thoughts out. I needed to do this, and I was going to do this.

My love and I sat in my sister’s living room just “shooting the shit” and passing the time. This was good, because I didn’t want this goodbye to be emotional.  Anything I could do, to prevent a flood of crocodile tears would work best for everyone.

But as the time ticked on and minutes passed by, I started to get emotional.  Then it was time.  We hugged, we kissed, and we said I love you. Making promises to call as soon as I landed safely. It was sad.  But I had to leave.  I was in too much emotional turmoil. The trip to the airport was lightning fast, we didn’t run into any traffic…all systems were a go.

We parked in the lot and when he took his key out of the ignition, he placed his hand on my thigh.  I couldn’t face him so I looked blankly out my window.  Tears fell down my face. I wiped them and jumped out the truck.  I stood there for a moment with my back against the passenger side door. I looked up to the sky.  Praying to God that my lover to ask me to stay.

I walked around the truck and helped him with my luggage.  Our eyes met.  He grabbed my wrist and pulled me into him.  I burrowed my face into his arms. I let my tears flow freely and to my surprise he did too.

There are many pivotal points in a relationship, and outwardly expressing emotions was one. He wiped his face after he lifted his head from my shoulder.  But not before I saw him for who he should always represent…a man that was down for his woman.  A man, that loved his woman.  “I love you”  “When are you coming back?” “I love you too, but I can’t come back until I’m better.” “I won’t come back until I know that other people can’t easily control my emotions.” Then in a half whisper I said, “I don’t want to go.” Either he didn’t hear me or didn’t care.

Then as quickly as the emotions came, they left. We had come to the end of the road.  The end of the craziness, he couldn’t go any further into the airport with me. One last hug, one last kiss and one last I love you. As I re-tell this story, my eyes tear up thinking about what could have been and why it wasn’t.

I swear to God I wanted things to be different between us.  I wish that I would have had the wisdom then that I do in life now.  The end result may have been different.  As I walked with my carry on, I really thought he would come running thru the airport screaming my name.  Begging me not to leave, but that never happened.  Instead I stood in a trance hypnotized by my own fantasy.

Forcing myself to move forward, I boarded the plane.  Walked all the way to the back, and sat by the window. I cried until we took off. I was scared.  My heart was shattered and my faith had been crushed.

CHAPTER 5

ARIZONA

I nodded off and when I woke up I was in Arizona. I was so slow getting off the plane.  So slow, that the attendants asked me if I needed to be escorted in a wheelchair. This was harder than I imagined.

I shook that feeling off and put a little pep in my step and a smile on my face.  I was ready to greet my family. It was so heartwarming to receive such love from my aunt, cousins, and uncle. I hadn’t seen them in a very long time.  On the ride down the unfamiliar freeway, I cried silently.  I honestly didn’t know what I was doing. It felt like I was acting like I had my life together.  Like I had all the answers, but God knows that the truth.  I could barely function.

My heart was so hurt, and so broken. I needed the quickest remedy to mend it. I was going to be living in a house with my uncle, my aunt and my four little cousins. I would have to suck up my emotions or else I would be answering a lot of questions from impressionable minds.  They went to church at least three times a week.  I would be expected to do the same. It’s not something I really was in the mood to do.  But I knew that nothing else had worked so let me try and reconnect with Jesus. Can’t go wrong with Jesus right?

That first night in a new house was eerie.  It wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just unfamiliar. I called my lover as soon as I was settled. HIs roommate answered the phone. He said that since my lover came back from the airport he was locked up in his room.  “Well knock on his door and let him know that I am on the phone, please.” My lover picked up the adjacent phone.  “Hi baby” and I cried back “Hi baby!”

I think that was one of the very first times he called me baby. I sat in my new room at the edge of my bed listening to his voice.  He asked me, how my plane ride was. “Bumpy, I cried myself to sleep”  “Then I woke up in Arizona.”  He told me that everything would be ok. “Do you still love me?” I replied “I will never stop, not even death could keep me from it,” he sighed… then I sighed. “I love you too”

Drifting in, and out of sleep, I had strange dreams.  It was dreams of my lover and her.  The frail ex that loved him just as much as I did. I woke up in a cold sweat. Out of habit, when I saw that it was 6am, I picked up the phone and called my lover.  Even though I was in another state it was imperative to keep our connection, if we were going to survive this separation.

The phone rang and rang and then rang once more…. When it was answered there were two voices that I heard on the receiving end. One voice was his roommate. The other voice was hers.  Damn!  Why in the fuck was I so naïve?  Why was I even surprised? I left and she came back. The roommate quickly said to her “it’s not for you, hang up the phone.” Everything around me became so quiet. I felt like I had suddenly became completely deaf.

I could barely hear the roommate repeatedly calling my name.  But I felt the vibrations thru the phone and I snapped out of my shock. What you allow is what will continue.  As soon as I was gone there she was.  Loving him and becoming one with him. His roommate whispered into the phone. “He’s in there with her,” “I can go and call him to the phone if you want.”  I sat there on my bed dumbfounded and speechless. Now what in the fuck was I going to do?