Love Made Me Do It (6 page)

24 hours later, I didn’t even matter at least not to him. Finally, replying to his roommate “Don’t bother calling him to the phone,” “he’s obviously busy.” I hung up. I needed to get up.  I had to conquer a whole new world.  I could hear the pitter patter of my cousin’s little feet just outside my bedroom door. That made me smile and took my mind off of him. The show must continue even if the band left.

Arizona was not off to a good start.  This place already had me ready to flee.  It was too hot.  But I was going to tough it out and not run back to California.  So I stopped calling. I stopped communicating and I stopped worrying.  I did that well. 

I was beginning to enjoy church. I decided to give myself to the Lord.  For a little while that eased the pain that I had.  I was training myself to walk by faith and not by sight.  The bible had more answers that I had ever fathomed, but probably because I never felt a pain like this. Adjusting to a lifestyle of church and family was easy.  I was able to fully transition that into my everyday life.  Every time I picked up my bible I was able to find the answers I needed. Lord knows I needed that. Everything that I ever worried about became obsolete.

I landed a wonderful job with American Express as a Credit Analyst. I worked from 5am to 2pm.  All the free time I had, was spent at church. With my family or working out. I had exonerated all ill feelings towards my lover.  I chose to concentrate on the most important element of my life…ME. 

Time came and time went.  It had been an entire month with no contact with my lover.  I was still breathing, still living and still functioning.   I wanted and needed to hear his voice.  I wanted to know what he was doing.  But more importantly I wanted to know who he was doing it with. Love was making me do it.  Love was still the master mind behind my steps.  I should have already known by then that it wasn’t love.  When I dialed his number, I listened intensely to every ring. Waiting for him to pick up…. he didn’t, but his roommate did.

Thank God for nosey, back stabbing roommates.  The roommate told me everything that I needed to hear.  He also told me a lot of other things that I didn’t want to hear. 

I listened to the cautionary advice that the roommate gave me.  I set a plan in motion, to fly home to California.  Honestly, how many times did I need to catch him in the act?  How many times did I need to confront him? I had thoughts of killing him and her.  Along with thoughts, of killing myself. At that point, I wish that I could have shaken some sense into myself.

The first piece of advice was “Make sure if you come for a visit you stay here at the house,” “Don’t let him talk you into staying the weekend in some hotel room” The second piece of advice was “You’re too good to go thru this, with someone so undeserving.” I paused for a moment. While the roommate was still talking, I was searching the internet for plane tickets. I found one for $500. 

So while the roommate was going blah, blah, blah in my ear.  I was putting a $500 plan in motion.  I was about stir some shit up. As soon I hung up, I started to cry.  I started to be mad all over again. But instead of punching anything, I picked up my bible and read from Psalms.  That soothed the storm that was brewing inside of me. That eased my desire of wanting to take my own life.  I read until tears streamed down my face.  I cried out for God to help me.

The next morning I called my lover.  I told him I would be there the last week in November. Just like the roommate said, he insisted that we get some fancy hotel room.  “No, I want to stay at the house.  “That’s where I feel comfortable.”  He paused and said “Ok.”  He showered me with meaningless I love you’s and even kissed me thru the phone.  My heart skipped a million beats.  But I couldn’t smile because I was planning a wicked weekend visit.  Someone was going to get hurt.  Hopefully, it wouldn’t be me.

After it’s all said and done, there are a lot of things that could have been done different. I could have handled different.  But I cannot say with confidence, that the end result would have been different. I honestly believe that my brain processes situations different, when matters of the heart are involved. When I don’t process those matters accordingly, that’s where my troubles begin.

Arizona wasn’t a mistake.  But I knew as frantic as I was on a constant basis. I needed to return to California.  In between psychotic meltdowns and waiting for the day of my trip. I went to work and I went to church, to occupy my mind. 
Operation make my lover see things my way,
was under way
.
I tossed and turned every night.  I dreamt of him or them every night. I think I was going crazy. I was scared.  I no longer owned or operated my own emotions.

How could I allow someone so far away be my puppet master?  There was only one answer to that question…
Love Made Me Do It
. We had begun more consistent phone calls, as the date for my return inched closer. We even had phone sex one night.  All I could think about was the real thing.  That was too much power for one man to have

I day dreamed about making love with Mary J Blige playing in the background.  Now I’m sitting here miles away with a house full of kids and bibles. My lust for him was happening, and it was happening right now.

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t dying to be noticed. I was noticed everywhere I went, even when I didn’t want to be. There was a man that pursued me, a very nice guy from an affluent family…was the report I was given. A God fearing man, that went to the same church as I did.  My family insisted I date him. 
Please is all I said
. 
My heart beats for one man and one man only.
That was the end of that conversation.

Finally, it was the day to get on the plane for my weekend back to California. I felt like nothing in my closet looked good enough for him.  None of my perfumes smelled good enough for him. My hair and nail same story.  Everything was off, but my libido was ablaze. I was ready to be taken in his arms.  I was ready for him to invade my insides.  I wanted to feed him my soul and in return I would devour his.

CHAPTER 6

GOING BACK TO CALI

My lover was already at the airport when I arrived. He was smiling and so was I. He was my knight and I was his damsel.  However this damsel wasn’t in distress she was horny.  I hopped in the front seat of his truck, grabbed his free hand, placing it on my thigh.   I looked at him, nothing else mattered.  The smile that he gave back to me was priceless.

There were a lot of perfect moments in the middle of all the dysfunction.  Those few moments, kept me warm when our relationship grew cold.  It’s necessary to carry a few good memories of people even if they hurt you.  After, he picked me up from the airport.  We didn’t go straight to his house. We rode around forever.  He was wasting time.  But I had been warned that, this is what he would do.   

I tried not to panic.  But in the back of my head I thought about what his roommate said.  He implied that she was living there with my lover. After about 2 hours of doing nothing.  We finally pull up to his house.  Much to my dismay, I see her clothes piled up on the floor. There had to be a hidden camera somewhere.  Recording these bullshit episodes of my life. 

The bed was disheveled and the house was a mess. I was crushed to say the least. But instead of going off right then, I kicked her name brand shit under the bed.  We sat in the living room.  The living room where it all began and we just stared at each other. Our vibe was definitely off.  But hopefully that would change. 

I went over and sat on his lap.  Held his face in my hands and kissed his lips. I knew this trip was about to go downhill.  So I better make it count. We kissed and it felt damn good. My heart was warm, my panties were moist.  This is what I came for. I came home to feel like I belonged to something and someone.  I wanted to feel like I had a purpose. 

I straddled him and I began undressing him.  But I would not allow him to carry me to that bedroom.  He would have to take me where I was. The bedroom was their sanctuary.  I wasn’t ready to go in there just yet.  He took his time, reacquainting his self with my erogenous zones. . It felt like we made love on the couch for hours.  We were drenched in sweat and engulfed in a false reality.

This was a perfect Friday night.  But I was a bomb and I was ticking.  Saturday, we left the house before noon.  We went out visiting. Our vibe was still a little bit off. But we were warming up to each other.  Once we put drugs into our system, our vibe would be perfect.  When Saturday night came, he rolled up a few laced blunts.  We got high and I started to feel the devil brewing in my soul.  He told me to hold in the smoke, until I felt like my lungs couldn’t take it. As long as the drugs kept coming and I felt bits and pieces of love, I didn’t care if my lungs collapsed.  Yes, it was that serious

We sat together in his room.  My high eyes darted.  I took mental inventory of things I seen of hers. I kept thinking in my head "Oh she lives here now." He said he had to step out.  Perfect timing.  I said "Ok." He doubled back “Johnson, don’t touch shit.”

CHAPTER 7

OH… SHE LIVES HERE NOW?

When the coast was clear, I took out her clothes from under the bed.  I looked them over. I wasn’t impressed.  Fuck her and her clothes. I spit on those clothes and threw them back under the bed. I figured that wasn’t enough though. I needed to really make her eat shit. He needed to eat shit too.  But right now it was her turn. I would make sure that he had his turn very soon. 

On to the medicine cabinet.  I know women she probably had high priced cosmetics and toiletries in there. Sure enough she did.  When I was done she had containers filled with water and a toothbrush covered in shit. I heard him pull up I tried not to look suspicious.  You can’t play with the words... "I love you.”  It’s not okay and he would find that out.

Drugs were like kryptonite to our already weak foundation.  This was only the beginning. I felt slightly guilty.  Not very guilty just a little bit. I just cleaned a toilet with her toothbrush.  But I could find every reason why I did it and why it was okay. Was it really her fault that she was living with him?  Or was he to blame or were they both at fault?

I feel as if she broke the girl code.  I also feel like he had no code. Anything went as long as it satisfied him. He was a consistent liar.  Leaving me confused.  Therefore we all maintained our spot, which was a constant state of deception, and betrayal. Was this part of the game? If so I needed to bow out gracefully.  But I never had the courage to leave a situation where, I was an implied loser.  If I left this situation I needed to feel like I was in complete control. Right now I was in control.

I sat there with a smirk on my face, on the edge of his bed in my boy shorts and my bra. I probably looked like I swallowed a canary.  He came over to me and began to kiss my neck.  I crisscrossed my legs behind his back and made him fall on top of me. He began tracing my skin, right along my hair line.  He looked into my eyes “You know you’re crazy right?” I smiled and said “Only in matters of my heart, so don’t play, and don’t hurt me,”  “Just love me the way that I love you.” He moved off of me, like I struck a nerve.  He needed to be real with me, but he wasn’t.

Instead, he told me that he went and picked up some pills.  They would help us forget everything. We were already smoking blunts that were laced with cocaine.  I was scared of what type of mood enhancement these drugs would cause. Would the interaction kill us?

My lover felt my concern even though I didn’t say a word.  “I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” I said “ok” I popped my pill and went to take a shower.  When I was in the shower I felt the drugs hit my body like a ton of bricks.  I felt good. Fresh out of the shower and sprawled out on the bed.  He slathered baby oil all over me.

Oh my goodness his touch was everything.  We talked, kissed, and fondled.  Then he excused his self to roll a blunt, that he would be snow coating with cocaine. For reasons unknown to me at that time.  My lover never ever allowed me to see him roll these blunts.   He would just come with them already rolled. He had the blunt in hand and dived onto the bed.  We made love. It was intense and surreal. It was illuminating and magical. All you could smell is sex and drugs.