Love Made Me Do It (8 page)

I wanted to make love to my man and live happily ever after.  But every time I was in close proximity to him.  I started to feel disgusted. I didn’t want him to touch me and then go crawl in the bed with her. I didn’t want to smell her perfume.  It was too much.  I wanted to kill myself and bypass all the bullshit. 

My lover finally realized that it was over, when we went to the Oakland Zoo on a date. We sat in the car and began kissing. It felt weird.  He felt weird.  The ridges in his muscles felt foreign.  His smell was unfamiliar to me.  Everything was off balance.

None the less, he moved his seat back from the steering wheel.  I hopped on top of him. We bumped and grinded.  He tugged at my zipper and I moved his hand.  Then I backed up and got off of him.

As horny as I was I didn’t want him to touch me. I wanted a man’s touch.  He wasn’t a man, he was a cheater. As he tried to get in my pants, I had racing thoughts of them in the bed.  Instantly, my libido and eagerness went limp.  As if I had a dick. He backed up and started the engine.
Oh well. Take me home.

No eye contact or conversation as we drove to my house. I jumped out the truck and he took off. I was trying to reach out to him.  He was giving me nothing to work with. I would give back even less than that.

Chapter 10

THE ROOMMATE

I was fed attention and energy from the roommate. Even though, I knew that this could be a potentially disastrous situation.  But I needed to stir the pot a little bit. In the mean time I looked for a job.  So that I didn’t stay at my sister’s house, longer than necessary.

Since I just left American Express., I had no problem finding a job that was equally as good. I started working at a Marble and Granite Company.  About three weeks after I returned back to California. Me and my lover were hit and miss.   There was no intimate interaction between us. But there was plenty intellectual stimulation going on with his roommate. It was hard to imagine myself with someone other than my love.  But it was obvious that he felt another way.

Our relationship should have been a slam dunk. But my lover made it hard. While I was transitioning myself back to California living and figuring out my love life.  I made a friend at my new job that still plays a monumental role in my life.

Living with my sister just like when, you live with anybody started to get old.  She was very particular as to how she liked her house to be run. But honestly a one bedroom was too small for all of us.  Then, just as I knew it would… shit hit the fan. My belongings were packed up and placed on the porch.

There was no blame in the situation.  Just not enough room, for more than one alpha personality. I had a job, and I had money.  But now I needed a place to live ASAP. I stayed in a hotel room for about one week, while I searched for an apartment or roommate situation. I found a condo, and the location was perfect. 

I was moving directly across the street from them both. Even though I asked the roommate how he felt about me living across the street from them.  I was going to do what I wanted to do. Luckily, for me he was passive aggressive and in love with me.  He didn’t care. So I moved in.

As the roommate and I were getting closer, I urged him to tell my love what was going on.  I felt kind of like it was the right thing to do or maybe I just wanted to be mean.  You can’t hurt me and just think that’s okay.

The roommate was nice.  But I knew that sooner or later.  He would want more of me, than I had given at that point. As soon as he told my lover about our interactions, I received a call. “You ain’t shit.” I laughed so hard my eyes watered. I hug the phone up.  My lover didn’t even know that he just cussed out his new neighbor! The situation was out of control and so was my life. 

My new place was great. My roommate was awesome and I had a budding friendship with my coworker. My coworker had invited me out with her and her family and I couldn’t wait to hang out.  I need to take my mind off of my problems. She introduced me to her best friend, sisters, brothers, and cousins.

As soon as her brother and cousin saw me they started messing with me.  Wondering, who I was. I loved the attention. That night would be the first of many nights filled with fun.  Their whole crew became my new addiction. The timing of meeting new friends didn’t sit well with the roommate, who had graduated to being my boyfriend.

With my lover completely out of my life, things were better.  But the roommate was so insecure.  He didn’t want to let me out of his sight. I owed him a little more respect than what I was giving him.  Although we were in a relationship, he was fearful of my lover because of the decision he had made to be with me.

I drove the roommate’s car like it was mine.  I let my friends drive it. I was spent his money like it was mine and I was eating dinner every Sunday with his parents. In order for me to reap these small rewards, I had to put up with unnecessary paranoia. He wanted me to drive an alternate route home so that my lover wouldn’t see me. He wanted me to move when my lease was up.  Plus he wanted to call me by my middle name.

During this time I thought to myself…he should know that I was vulnerable and weak for my lover and not for him.  I wished he would stop acting like he didn’t know that. But I played along.  I fed his ego.  I eventually fed his loins too. I kind of knew what I was doing, kind of. Did the roommate and I have sex…? Yes we did….Was it amazing? No, it was awkward.

He was still living in the house with my lover and his girlfriend.  I was living across the street, casing their every move. This was a hard job.  I was constantly trying to position myself to be seen by my love.  The first four months I was living there.  I never saw him. But during those months I was being showered with gifts from the roommate. I gracefully accepted every gift. I was caught in a world wind of emotions, erratic thoughts. I was in a spider web of deceit and betrayal. This was hard. 

What do you do when the person you love the most; more than yourself… is with someone else and you’ve decided to have an affair with his best-friend? No matter how I tell the story.  It never sounds right. My lover and the roommate never fought about me. At least, not to my knowledge.

Boom, boom, boom…”Tamekia, open up this door!” I ran to the door.  Unaware, of the bad news awaiting me on the other side.

It was the roommate.  He told me that my lover and his girlfriend had been arguing like cats and dogs.  Then he started going off about me. He ranted about us being together.  Allegedly, my lover said “Johnson is mine blood, until I say other –wise.” “But now you’re putting your dick inside of her?” “What the fuck is wrong with you?” When this was told to me, initially I was in shock.  But I felt that those were words of love, jealousy and envy.  My lover was just mad because it wasn’t him.

This confirmed that I had his attention. But all attention isn’t good attention. I wish I knew that then. My next move I made would have to be more hurtful than the move before.

CHAPTER 11

NEIGHBORS

What exactly was it that I was trying to accomplish?  What is it that I needed from him? I burned through those questions so many times in my head I was tired of them.  But I wouldn’t stop making moves until those answers came to me. I was sick of the roommate already.  He was so dramatic and unnerving that I couldn’t think straight. He had the ability to give me everything I wanted.  But I just didn’t want it with him. But I played the part.

I accepted his love but it was hard to reciprocate because I didn’t feel the same. I did love him, but there was no spark.  I wanted who I wanted.  Only God could change that. The roommate knew…he had too, at least by now. 

When he spoke of my lover I had a twinkle in my eye.  When he talked about himself it had less of an effect on me. I was wrong.  But I wasn’t sure how to stop this monster that was driving me to be so mean, bitter and obsessive. So time went on and we continued
to be together and date
. We had adventures.  We had an intellectual connection but I was starved for something that he couldn’t feed me.

My life was good if you just took a glance at it from the outside. I had a good job, made new friends, had an awesome roommate.  But in between it all, there was a devil and an angel sitting on my shoulders.                Unfortunately, I was always siding with the devil. My patience was running thin.  I had yet to be seen by my lover.  He had yet to see that I was living right across the street from him.

I felt like a private eye, watching and waiting.  Then more watching and waiting. My anxiety and blood pressure were through the roof. The roommate started storing things at my house because he was plotting to move out.  So every night, I lay and stare at his belongings.  Disgusted with myself.

Admittedly, I was being selfish.  I never gave a fuck when he would moan and groan about my lover finding out that I lived across the street. “Get over it!”  “He knows that we’re fucking, and soon he will know that I live across the street.”  That was my only response to this same old, tired, ass discussion between us.  We were both accountable for this fiasco. He just needed to ride this out.  I was still the center of my own existence and therefore my happiness came first.”

I partied with my new friends’. I experienced Oakland and parted with San Jose. I drank
Bad Apples.
I was known for partying till the sun came up or until I threw up. I clubbed almost every night of the week and would slither in the house around 3am.  Sleep for a few hours, and then go to work…

The solidarity that I experienced with my new friends was similar to that of a family.  I desperately needed to feel like I belonged to something and someone. My club life started to make my boyfriend feel insecure.  So I took the advice of my coworker. I started going off on him every time he opened his mouth to complain, about what I was doing.

Sometimes I would just look at him with so much disgust.  But sometimes his words were so heartfelt. Especially, when he told me how much he loved me.  There were way too many conversations like that towards the end.  That’s when I knew that I would have to end this. Although, he was a man with good intentions towards I didn’t want him. 

So I kept the brick wall up.  Only removing some bricks, when I felt the need to have sex. I refused to take my wall all the way down for him.  More time passed and then the day came…. when I was seen. Four months later. I made my debut as my lover’s neighbor! Nobody was ready for the scene that was about to be made.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was going to the store with my roommate.  As soon as I stepped foot off the porch I saw him. I was so scared I backed up. My roommate turned to me “Girl, come on…he’s nobody.”  So I followed her lead to the car. He was in his backyard with his skinny bitch. Since he was so tall he saw me over the fence. I never saw my lover move so fast.  He started coming towards me, but stopped in the middle of the street.  She was tugging at the back of his shirt.

I stood tall, and with confidence.  While he ranted and yelled at me from his side of the street, I just smiled. He was accusing me of breaking into his house.  I smirked and shrugged.  Whatever else he said, my heart beat, drowned it out. I was winning and my lover would soon be back where he belonged. With me.

I got into my roommates car, let the seat back and smiled.  I was content. I was ready to begin taking back what was mine.  To be madly in love is a gift and a curse. I was madly in love.  I was deep in love.  The voice of reason was long gone.

CHAPTER 12

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, LIKE YOU LOVE THYSELF

My every waking thought revolved around being with him. I was definitely a young woman with insecurity issues. I needed reassurance and nurturing.  But I had no idea how or where to receive any of that. These problems were my own.  But, I thought love could fix them.

I was as transparent as I could be regarding my lover and his roommate.  I don’t know if that transparency hurt me or helped me. Sometimes too much transparency can hurt you.  Only, because other people don’t know how to respond to that…or they use it against you.